Michael A. Singer
If you have ever read anything I have ever written or listened to anything I have ever said, you will see that I am committed to my sadhanna, my practice of healing, learning, growing and expanding. I am committed to untangling all the knots inside me that prevent me from realizing and being my true Self. I am committed to letting go of my stuff, and my 'self'. I know, in every cell of my being, that if I want to do anything truly positive and worthwhile in this life time, that is it. It is the only truly significant work I could ever take part in. Any service I provide out there, will be lacking until I do the work in here. (That doesn't mean, of course, that I do not provide a service out there. Providing service is a giant part of my sadhana. It will help me to remove the focus from "self" ( "little me") so that my focus eventually expands to Self which is everything. everyone...no thing/no one.)
Some partners need to do a lot of inside work
Anyway, I digress. I am committed to my practice. I wake up in the morning and I meditate. I practice kriya yoga. I come out here, on mornings I am not providing service elsewhere, and I listen, read, study something significant from another human who has already ascended or who is at least a head of me on this journey. I absorb it, if it resonates, and I further my commitment to live by the teachings. I write here, or do a silly video, regurgitating my learning. I practice hatha yoga. I teach hatha yoga. I take care of my pets. I feed my crows ...now 'crow'( yes, that is part of my practice). I spend time with my daughters or grandchildren. I walk in the woods with the dogs surrounded by nature. I do all the other things of daily life. I cook and clean for self and others. ( Wellll...I could do a little more of the cleaning let me tell ya. ) . I read. I try to knit ( working on mitts for grandchildren and man...I am struggling lol). I watch too much TV in the evenings. I deal with each crisis or request for help from another when they unfold in front of me as best as I can. I read and meditate before sleep...and I start all over the next day. Every moment is part of my practice. I do my best to stay observant of my mind and my tendencies. I try to recognize when I am being pulled into them, to relax when I notice, and I gently call myself back. (I am getting gentler and more compassionate with self as I notice...which is a sign of my healing and my growth) Oh man, I fall flat on my face in the muck of my samskaras again and again but I am committed to letting them come up and out. It isn't fun; it isn't easy; and it is far from comfortable...but I am committed to untangling this mess the true Self is caught up in. It is work for me to untangle, a lot of work.
Others Don't
Then, I look at D. and I am floored. I see a man who had more challenge and trauma in his life than most, yet he isn't all tangled up in his samskaras like I seem to be. His ability to let go is phenomenal. There is so little reactivity and so much relaxed detachment in him. He just walks through life lightly and gently, expecting little, grateful for all. And people seem to flock to him. They recognize that easiness in him. The children and the teachers at school love him. Animals love him. Babies and toddlers love him. He is like a warm May breeze that flows from one open window to the next. Whatever he says or does in the presence of another just goes in and then out, but it leaves the other bathing in warmth. He has absolutely no idea what he is doing. He doesn't meditate, nor is he the most aware or mindful person I know. He isn't putting effort or work into being like this. Infact, when he does start to practice with me he loses something natural. This is simply the way he is. He is a person that would seldom trigger anyone into reactivity.
Triggered
Yet, I am apparently triggered by him at times. I am reactive around him. I share this because I believe reactivity to be a common occurrence in long term relationships. It is worthy of exploring as we "enter the laboratory of soul exploration" as part of our practice. Understanding our wants, our expectations, and our needs when it comes to relationships could be a very big step forward toward our healing and Self realization. Don't you think?
Why are we triggered in our so called "special relationships" (ACIM)? Why do we question them?
The attraction of the unholy[special] relationship starts to fade and be questioned almost at once. Once it is formed, doubt must enter in, because its purpose is impossible. The ideal of the unholy [special] relationship thus becomes one in which the reality of the other does not enter at all to"spoil" the dream. And the less the other really brings to the relationship, the "better" it becomes. Thus the attempt at union becomes a way of excluding even the one with whom the relationship was sought. For it was formed to get him out of it, and join with fantasies in uninterrupted "bliss". ACIM-17:III: 4:3-8
The fantasy of what a relationship can bring versus the reality
Why am I triggered into reactivity by someone who is so non reactive? The first thing, I need to remember, is that what ego wants the relationship for ( to stop me from feeling the pain of stored impressions and to create an illusion of bliss inside) is not what the higher me needs it for.
Then I need to remember that if I am questioning the relationship, it has little to do with my partner. He is not the problem. Whatever disturbance may be going on inside me is mine...caused by "me" and was likely there long before I ever met him. The areas being unintentionally poked are simply a part of the tangled mess of my past. Whatever he may or may not be doing is simply triggering something that needs to be released. Instead of blaming him for "getting on my nerves", "not being enough" or "too much", as humans tend to do when expectations are threatened in such relationships; instead of saying, "Okay...that is it. This isn't good for me. I am out of here!" ...I can/ we can take another approach. We can take our attention off of the other person and put it back on self.
Huh?
Instead of asking, "What is wrong with him or her or them ?", we can ask, "What is wrong with me? What knot inside of me is his/her/their words, actions, presence untangling? Why am I closing up to love?"
That is basically what the relationship disturbance is, isn't it? A closing up. A reactivation of a stored impression ...a triggering of a locked away memory from the past. The other person is either not 'making' us happy by allowing space for the positive impressions we are clinging to,to arise as we assume they should, or they are seemingly, (and unlikely unbeknownst to them) unravelling and allowing the painful stuff to emerge as we assume they shouldn't. They are not matching any unreal expectation we had for them in this relationship. What he is doing, is not the problem. My expectations and what I have stored within me, are. Do you see that?
When we are reacting, we are comparing and looking for inadequacies in the other. We are seeking to make them "wrong" so our resistance to experiencing what is coming up, our closing up to love, can be viewed as "right" and justified. There is no right or wrong here...there is just the unwholesome closing and the wholesome opening of the heart to which we are entirely responsible. One keeps us on the path towards Self realization, and one takes us off it.
Comparison must be an ego device, for love has none. It is established by a lack seen in another, and maintained by searching for, and keeping clear in sight, all lacks it can perceive. (ACIM, 24:II:1:1-3)
The more I examine this, the more I look at my reactivity, the more I put away ego comparison, I realize D. is the perfect partner for me. Not only because of his easy going nature, or what others see in him...but because he is triggering me. I don't know why or how but he is. If I am not triggered, I am not motivated enough to explore my samskaras and to eventually let them go. As a partner, he makes me look inside so I can do the work needed. He is in my life, possibly, to do that. He doesn't know it but he is an essential part of my sadhana. He is going to help me untangle and unravel once and for all. He is, without even trying to, helping me to heal. He is touching my stuff, without meaning to, and I need to have this stuff poked so that it comes up and out.
Once it is up and out...once I am clean and clear, I will see that the love, we so erroneously look for in another person, was always inside me. I was just closing to it. That 'river of joy' Yogananda spoke of will flow again.
Love is already in us, people. We don't get it from another person, but another person can help us to let go of the stuff that needs to be let go of. We need to realize that. If we do let go, everyday of our lives can be higher than the day before.
As I continue to commit to my practice of becoming Self realized, free, whole, and the love I have spent my life looking for in others, I will see and appreciate D.'s natural "goodness" on a personal relationship level, and I will honor what he does for me on the spiritual level. This does not have to be an "unholy special relationship, it can be a holy one. I am so blessed to have him in my life.
All is well
Please note: Honoring and accepting our partners on the spiritual level, does not mean staying in abusive relationships or in relationships where the conscious or unconscious intent of another is malicious and undermining. Loving, protecting and nurturing self is of utmost importance in your spiritual practice. If the relationship challenges your ability to do that, please get help!
ACIM
Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe (December 11, 2023) Working Inside for Unconditional Well Being. https://tou.org/talks/
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