We should use our mindfulness to remind ourselves that when we offer someone our practice of deep listening, we do it with the sole aim of helping them empty their heart and release their pain.
Thich Nhat Hanh
Sigh! I have been thinking again. That is never a good thing, is it? I actually woke up in the wee hours of the night with this question on my mind.
I have been thinking about being there for others and what that looks like from this new perspective, this new place of awakening. ( Notice how I wrote 'awakening', not 'awakened'. I am not saying, by any means, that I have finally left my ego caboose at the station. It is still very much attached to me, slowing me down and pulling me back. Just want to make that clear.)
So how are we to be there for the suffering of others?
I have often wrote, after studying so many of those teachers who are actually cabooseless...that we need to be there for others as our True presence, as awareness, as Self and not as ego...right? Ego has a tendency to get in the way of healthy communication, leading to heightened emotions, reactions, conflict, increased and complicated suffering.
Remember what suffering is
So we want the person who is suffering to empty their heart and release pain. Remember that pain is different than suffering. When pain is released there is no suffering. When suffering is present, we can be assured that ego is present in the person's experience, clinging to pain for its own purposes.
We need to recognize that the 'suffering' the other experiences, suffering in general, is usually an ego generated thing. When we are dealing with someone else's suffering, we are dealing with someone else's ego at its worse, what Eckhart Tolle would refer to as the 'pain body'. If we are dealing with a very inflamed, negative and reactive ego in another...the last thing we want to be there as, is our own ego, right? Ego communicating with ego is not a helpful thing!
Staying Open; Deep Listening
I have been learning and practicing and actually feeling quite successful with my ability to be able, in my own belief anyway, to stay open when I encounter the suffering of others. What that means to me is that I am more and more able to get beyond my own ego, so there is little to no individual reactivity on my part. I am more often than not still, calm, peaceful, and silent. I no longer have a need to express in detail my opinion of what is going on, to respond to every verbal expression with a verbal response of my own. I can sit silently with someone for hours. It really isn't about 'little me' at all at those times.
Don't get me wrong...I have and still do goof up royally during this practice. Ego still comes in from time to time and I end up reacting, correcting, giving advice when it is not called for, maybe even judging. But this is happening less and less as I become more and more able to stay present.
I try to open up the floor to the person. I do not lead the conversation, try to control it or direct it. I give it all to the person. If they want to express something ...I listen . I may interject with a "I hear you. I know you are suffering and I am here for you." If they ask or appear to be asking for my advice or my opinion...I will very hesitantly and reluctantly offer it with a, "Are you sure you want me to give you my opinion?" If they say yes, I will give it honestly. What I give will likely reflect my new way of seeing things and not theirs...I may gently and sometimes not so gently counter their perception of things...which is not often received well.
Therapeutic Communication, No More
I have studied therapeutic communication technique in great deal. I have even taught Communication classes for 14 years. I, therefore, used to go into these situations thinking I was the expert communicator...guiding, directing the process...drawing out the suffering of the other, empathizing, soothing, focusing on the suffering and validating it. Suffering seemed so real then, like a big inflamed boil that needed to be lanced by my skill and effort. It seemed all important to focus on that suffering, to make it even more real for myself and the other person.
I didn't see the 'ego' in that suffering then. Now I do. I also see it in my old approach to dealing with the suffering of another. It was ego that made me into this 'idea' of an an expert communicator who thought she could help everyone through her intellect and skill. When truth is... 'little me-ness' has no place in true compassion at all!
Beyond ego, Beyond suffering
I don't go into these situations like that anymore because I can actually see beyond the suffering. I know it is very, very real to the person. But it isn't real to me. The person may see themself as the suffering. I see the idea of suffering, the cause of it and the solution for it so clearly. I also see them beyond the suffering.
Though I still feel their pain, and I feel what I believe is honest and true compassion for the other's 'sense of suffering', I don't get lost in it anymore. I don't react to it even when that suffering turns into anger or blame. I am there, I am listening from a calm, open and peaceful state. That is, as long as my ego doesn't step in between us. (And it still does from time to time...making me defensive or into an 'I know better' kind of communicator) .
I do not believe there is room for ego here. I really don't. True compassion and Love is egoless. That is what I want to offer the other person...not my silly little ego self that thinks it knows all...but this wise open Self, that belongs to all of us.
But?
Did you sense a 'but' there? All the other who is suffering now sees when I am there...is a"heartless, cold, distant, mechanical being".
When ego is inflammed as it is in suffering...it is ego that wants to be validated through the suffering. I validate pain and I validate the being beyond the ego but I don't validate ego and therefore I don't validate 'suffering' anymore. I am no longer reacting to it with, "I can't believe this happening to you. I can't beleive life is so unfair. I would feel the same way you are feeling if that was happening to me. Poor you...poor me because of poor you.' etc There is none of that and that is what ego is craving.
One individual tells me they want me to be more kind, demonstratively loving, soothing in the chronic, constant and long standing expression of their 'suffering'....that they sense I don't care and I am not there. They will say things like, "Why aren't you crying when I cry? Why aren't you more worried about me?" I try to assure them that I care more deeply and in a way so much healthier than I have ever cared. I tell them what I am giving them is what I believe they truly need of me...that if I reacted it wouldn't do any of us any good. I also still worry...when I am not in the moment with this person. My ego comes back when my need to be fully present somehow relaxes...and it comes back in the form of worry. But worry, as would any ego -for -ego reactivity, is not going to be beneficial here...it is another one of ego's attempts to prevent the real healing from taking place in both of us.
Healing is the Goal
I want healing for others who are suffering. And healing will only take place when ego is diminished. So I don't give others my ego when I listen, even though their ego wants it. I give Self...in hope that they will find that Self and therefore the Ultimate healing within.
Right now some think I am a terrible cold person, leaving them all alone with their suffering. I assure them sthey are never alone. I am and always will be here in the only way I can be here now and hope someday they will see what I see.
All is well.
No comments:
Post a Comment