The Four R's

 The only thing we need to honor and give our full attention to is this moment.

Eckhart Tolle

Maybe you can relate to what I call the Four R's.  Maybe you too are struggling with a particular living situation that is less than healthy and are finding yourself reacting with  Resistance, Repulsion, Resentment and Running.

My first reaction when I perceive I am in an environment not conducive to my wellness is to resist by uttering these words in my head and believing them, "This shouldn't be!  This is not right!  This is not fair! I don't want this. I can't live like this! I never signed up for this!" I am literally tensed up in a little ball...thus the back pain, I suppose. What about you?  Are you resisting something? 

Then I slip into repulsion mode. I judge the situatuiion as unpleasnat but ego wants more drama and tells me it not just unpleasnat, it is "repulsive". It wants to make sure I do not accept it as the deeper I may insist I do. I begin to collect all the 'repulsive' things about the situation so I can justify why I am repelling it mentally. 

Of course, the more things I collect on my "repulsive" list, the more resentment I have for those individuals who have seemed to drop this situation on my lap, or for life in general. I have a bad case of the resentment flu right now. Sound familiar?

Finally...I have this urge...this strong, strong urge to run away from this situation.  I do not feel capable of changing it because I know I cannot change other people.  I have tried to make changes in my environment related to this, set limits and boundaries but because I am dealing with a fair degree of 'unconsciousness' ...there is no apparent respect for those boundaries and the situation  does not change.  My ego mind keeps telling me all kinds of story like "I am not respected.  Being taken advantage of.  My needs will not be considered so my need and desire to heal at the deepest level will not be met in this environment etc etc. I and others may even be put at risk." 

And it isn't because those involved are bad or uncaring...just unconscious to a certain degree and they are not ready or able to 'wake-up' enough to see how their behaviours and choices are impacting others. I see it!  I try to communicate it in a gentle way.  It doesn't get through! 

So I say..."if I can't change the situation and it is literally making me 'sick', I should leave.  Since I am not attached to much here other than people and animals...maybe I should just pack up and leave, go somewhere where I can gain my strength back.  Let them have the physical structures of this environment so I can preserve the most important thing to me...peace of mind." 

Though I haven't run away...I am contemplating it and finding a bit of relief just in that. 

It is all Ego

We are  in the  midst of ego reactivity when we  process through these 4 R's.  It is very easy to get lost in them or confused by them.  The important thing to remember is we do not have to.  Being aware of the process is the first step to getting beyond ego reactivity to the solution for our present 'problematic" situation. 

I don't know about you but I  feel like an old injured Tom Cat.  I just want a quiet solitary corner where I can lick my wounds.  I want time and space to heal. Right now my corner doesn't appear to be respected y otherss. It is like people are oblivious to the cuts on my ear or the patches of fur missing on my back so they cannot understand my need for space. They see my corner as a space they can enter anytime without knocking.  (Well that is how my dramatic ego puts it, :)) .  

It seems like I am expected to come out of my corner when others need me to do things for them.  And the call seems constant and never ending. It feels like I am even pulled out of that corner at times by the tail and I come out hissing and scratching.  I am really not a scrapper so when I do hurt someone in my self preservation behaviours, I feel terrible...guilty and ashamed.  I say, "OMG...I am trying to be evolved and here I am hurting others with my selfish needs... why can I not put ego aside and just accept this situation for what it is? Afterall...it isn't suppose to be about 'little me' at all is it?" 

I am confused as to what all this means to the deeper Self. The thought  keeps coming to me, "This isn't healthy  for you or beneficial to your own recovery and because you are hissing and scratching a lot these days...it isn't good for others." 

Beyond the Reaction

Hmmm!  We know the 4 R's are an ego reaction. They aren't healthy but are they pointing to some higher wisdom? How will we ever know?

We need to slow self down and  try to find that space Eckhart Tolle speaks of in the video below.  The answer to, "Should I leave?" will come to us  from there. For now...we  do not have to pay much attention to the resistance...whatever is, is what it is; the repulsion collection-we can switch to gratitude collection instead; resentment- we  can look for reasons to be compassionate with others as well as Self and finally we  do not need to run away.- If we are being  guided to leave a situation, it doesn't have to be a quick reactive running away. It can be a peaceful, wise, loving  and slow departure. 

All is well! 

Eckhart Tolle (November 12, 2020) Dealing with Conflicting Thoughts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpBOcw5WQPg