What is timeless is always there, because its being is eternally changeless.
ACIM-T-7:7:9
Been a Little Uneasy
I have been feeling a little uneasy about my time here over the last few weeks. For some reason, instead of taking the usual hour to get all my thoughts down in an entry, lately it has been taking up to four hours per entry. And I have been struggling to articulate what it is I am learning in that time. It isn't just flowing out like it usually does.
There has been so much wonderful learning...why cannot I not get it all down?
Okay...I know I have a sleep deprived, menopausal brain that has been on the last to receive end of a slowed cardiac output ( ticker has been acting up a bit)...so that could physiologically explain why I am challenged to write. I am okay with that but something tells me it is more than that. I am questioning if there is a "bigger" reason why Grace & Ease keep stepping out for extra breaks.
Best Use of Time an Energy?
Am I making the best use of the time and energy I have to best serve at this time? Sounds so dramatic, doesn't it? But seriously...am I? Is there some better way I can serve in these four hours I spend on this everyday? I believe this message is so important but I also know so few are ready to hear it and would more than likely be best off hearing it, if they are ready, from someone other than me. (Like from experts, and those dharma teachers and wise individuals I cite at the end of an entry). And if it is not coming up fluidly...what does that mean?
I have been averaging about 25 readers a day, according to my stats but I really cannot depend on those stats because it doesn't register some who tell me they are checking in and some who say they have been "subscribing" for years when my stats consistently show "no followers". So it is confusing. I still get a bit of spam despite all the spam filters...so I am never sure the people, stats are reporting, are actually readers or whatever. So it is confusing.
Like I said before, the number of people who read this...is not important. If I get through to one individual ...it is worth it. Right now the biggest readership is coming from Turkmenistan, an Asian country, once part of the Soviet Republic on the Caspian sea. Of its close to six million people, I may only be getting one reader but if the stats are correct and you are reading this sincerely everyday...thank you! If you have other agendas...please let them be ones that will benefit you and others while doing no harm. I say that to all who tap into this site. I am so grateful and so hopeful that this learning I express here will be received with the intention that I send it out.
Anyway...I digress. What I wanted to say is...I am wondering if at least some of my time here could be best spent elsewhere.
I do have a full life away from the blog, especially when I am only here for an hour or so a day...I take care of household matters, cooking, baking bread, yoga, loving and caring for family members, pets, reading, studying, walking, appreciating and shooting the life around me (though I have not had a camera in my hands for a while) and I do watch Netflix for a couple of hours a night. Still, I question if I am doing enough and what I am supposed to do or am I "hiding out"? When the time spent here goes beyond a couple of hours I really feel like I might be beacsue other things get neglected.
We all have something unique we are to "do" right? I am quite sure I am to write but what? I had that call to poetry a week ago and I never really followed it with the exception of getting a chap book out...it wasn't enough. Now I feel I have to get another one out? And I am remembering, in those sleepless hours of the night, all the other things I promised to write, intended to write, started writing ( some over half way done) that I put aside to come here . I am thinking of all teh stuff I have written that needs to go back on the submission train. Hmm! I am remembering all this for a reason.
Maybe It is a Habit That Doesn't Serve
And as she usually does, Serendipity stepped in this morning as I was listening to the dharma talk below about habits that sometimes get in the way of our collective turning and awakening. I started to question if my coming here is more of a habit that serves the ego, rather than a step toward this collective awakening as it was intended? Is it a crutch that stops me from stepping up as the writer I am meant to be? Am I to serve in a different area than writing? Or as a writer in a different way?
I don't know. I know for sure I am not going to stop coming here but I am going to come less often. I am going to explore the world of living and writing outside this page a little more deeply. I will come here 2-3 of times a week rather than everyday. It is like cutting back on beloved spicy food...to see if that is the cause of ones uneasy stomach? An experiment! Now...I have done this experiment before...I keep coming back, don't I?
But this uneasiness I have been having is here for a reason. I must recognize it, accept it, embrace it, look into and gain the insight it is offering . So I leave here to step into the nursery where it is crying...I will pick the baby up and we will go from there.
I am not leaving. I will be back.
All is well.
Plum Village/ Deer Park Monastery ( March 23, 2020) A Time of Collective Turning/Thay Pap Ho. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mL_sD-SPjO0
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