Lost in the Streams

 The golden moments in the stream of life rush past us, and we see nothing but sand; the angels come to visit us, and we only know them when they are gone.
George Eliot

I am thinking of many things as I sit here not sure about what it is I am to write about.  Maybe I will just address some of the things I have on my mind.  My mind is a good example of just how busy thinking can get. You know how the mind is...if you follow one thought stream it will branch off into another and that one will branch off into another and another and another until you are good and lost in the stream following antics of the habitual mind.

I was thinking of the following things:

1. how welcoming this spot seemed this morning
2. my meditation yesterday and teh compulsion received to write poetry
3. the poem I wrote yesterday
4. a comment made by someone about the possibility of someone taking my poems from this blog
5. the thought of the possibility loss and betrayal in regards to this
6. the chest pain I am presently having off and on from pushing myself to do a yoga sequence yesterday that overtaxed my ticker leading to what I know to be a cluster of coronary vasospasms
7. past experiences with physicians that were shaming and hurtful
8. how I have learned to handle that, becoming untrusting of a system and the egos of those in it
9. my hot flashes
10. how I become aware of myself running off after these thoughts, trying to create story around them
11. my breath
12. just observation of the chest pain and the hot flash
13. accepting this moment and all that is in it
14. My mantra: It is what it is and it is because that is....it is all okay!
15. and how welcoming this spot is; how good it is to be here in it now!

Wow!  That is what went through my mind in a matter of seconds.  The mind can be a hyperactive monkey, can't it?

Thought stream One

My first thought was about how welcoming this spot seemed this morning when I sat down to write.  I did de-clutter it a bit over the last few days.  The light coming in this time of the day is lovely.  I can see the sun coming through the branches of the lovely Juniper outside my window and hear the breeze blowing in such a comforting way.  It is good to see how the earth is finally being relieved of the burden of snow that covered it so thickly. So yeah...this place was always comforting but seemed especially so today.  And I started to wonder if it was divinely orchestrated that I should find more comfort and welcome in this spot because it is where I am supposed to be.

Thought Stream Two

That brought me to the second thought stream.  I recalled how yesterday during my meditation, I asked what is was that was wanted of me, how I could serve with the little I have and the answer came to me as it usually does, "Write!".  Then I heard this time "Poetry!" I can't say it was an actual  voice I heard...I am not having auditory hallucinations...but it was an inner voice of some kind. I also seen the word as if typed out on a piece of paper in my mind's eye and I felt it.  It was weird but it was very powerful. 

At first, I resisted, telling myself that was just a quirky thought I was putting in my own head.  Why would I want to write poetry? It is too exposing, putting one out there to risk ridicule and shame and I am so shame based as it is...why would I do that to myself?  Besides how would I live as a poet, especially a not very good one.  Who makes money as a poet?

This resistance went on but the feeling beneath was too powerful so I surrendered to it and I heard more clearly what was asked of me.  I am not to call myself a poet...I am not to call myself anything.  I am simply to write what is coming through me.  Whatever words that come through are not mine.  I cannot take responsibility for them or credit...they simply come through me.  Yes, I can put my name to those poems (using  my pen here or my real name) and if any literary credits or compensations are due I can take those. But it isn't about me really.

I had this strong feeling, then, that I was to take what I am seeing, experiencing and learning and instead of always putting it into prose like I usually do, I am to allow it more often to come through into verse.  I am not to worry about the outcome, just the process. Weird! And I just said, "Okay!"

That is what I recalled this morning as I sat at this place that suddenly seemed more welcoming.

Thought Stream Three

Then I remembered  about how I came here after that meditation yesterday and I wrote a poem.  This poem was based on  much learning I have gathered over the years and was triggered by the video offered by Anita Moorjani , who by the way,  was saying how we should listen to our higher Self in determining the direction of our lives thus prompting me to ask that question about "How shall I serve" in my meditation.  

Her description about the world and Self we see being like the tip of  an iceberg really stuck with me as well. Now I have heard the ice berg description in terms of understanding the mind, as I have written here before.  10 % of the mind is our conscious mind and all we tend to see and understand.  Beneath that is the subconscious and unconscious mind which actually guides our behaving, feeling and living more than the conscious mind ever could but we do not understand it. I liked the way she took that "tip of the iceberg" analogy and applied it to how we understand Self and Life. That stuck

Thought Stream Four

So I was thinking about how a reader of my blog commented that they actually got choked up on reading my poetry and warned me to be careful. This person felt that others could take my words from this blog and use them as their own.  Though I assured him that that wouldn't happen, that I was copy right protected etc...he still felt I should remove all my poetry to protect it.

Thought Stream Five

I began to ponder over that possibility and felt myself a little worried and betrayed. I thought about the numerous times the  plagscan url showed up on my stats. Would someone take mediocre poetry and call it their own?  Why?  Could they do that and get away with it?  I reminded myself I was copy right protected but that led me to feel guilty about not trusting and fearing the loss of some thing like ego credit.  I want to be more evolved than that.  Then I remembered the meditation and how I was more or less told to not worry about outcome...it was being taken care of.

Thought Stream Six

Then the chest pain interrupted the above thought stream taking me in another direction.  I felt the pain and still, despite all my practice,  when I initially feel it, my first reaction is to resist it. "No!  I don't want this!  It should not be this way!"   Then to avoid that feeling of "doom and gloom" that usually comes with it...I get deeper into the thought process to begin to analyze it ...to determine what the cause of it is.  I recalled how  I tried and tried yesterday to capture a dancing warrior sequence on video for my yoga page.  Dancing warrior is too much of a cardiac strain...and I pushed past the symptoms then trying to convince myself that I was somehow evolved past this physical limitation that has been a part of my life for decades.

Thought Stream Seven

Then that led me to question why I keep pushing past that point.  Besides the fact that I still have some unhealthy "doing" tendencies I am still stuck in some knots created by  my past experience seeking validation for this pain and the other symptoms.  I have known for years  without a doubt it is cardiac...familial...but whenever I get the pain I am instantly reminded of my past  health seeking experiences. I recall with shame, anger, frustration how those in the allopathic system that I sought help from over the years have yet to truly validate my experience and I  remembered all the consequences I endured in  terms of loss of livelihood, documented inaccurate and very hurtful assumptions about me and years of feeling shamed and unheard. I felt a familiar and unpleasant feeling being activated. That knot is always pulled automatically at the first twinge of chest pain and it has led me to behave in certain ways over the years.

Thought Stream Eight

This stream took me into how I have chosen to behave over the years.  I thought about my lack of faith and trust in this system.  Of course, that brought guilt.  I do not like to think this way but the truth is I do. I do not trust that I will be looked after in my physical need.  This is evidenced by my latest health issue that I have totally given up seeking help for.

I do not like to feel helpless as I do with this thought stream so I then try to make myself feel better by realizing how this experience of so called suffering is actually a gem that now glistens and shines.  It has taken me to a deeper understanding of well being that goes beyond the body focus and dependence on man made systems in the physical world.  All I have experienced has actually helped me to evolve!

Thought Stream Nine

As I am thinking this I get a very intense hot flash.  And though I usually do not react to my hot flashes and am quite content to just watch them ...I did resist this one because I was still tied up in the reactive thoughts and  emotions of the  health seeking knot.  I thought , maybe this is not a hot flash....because I am sweating profusely with this while I am having chest pain , maybe it is actually a cardiac symptom.  Maybe most of them are now. How will I ever know?  No one will take me seriously.

Thought Stream Ten

Then I simply observed how I was caught up in these thoughts and how I was feeling all caught up in these emotional knots. I became aware once again of my  need to create story, to avoid feeling shame, pain, fear... how I run off from one thought stream to another.

Thought Stream Eleven

I brought myself back to breath.  I just consciously breathed in and out and I followed that breath in my belly.  I told myself I needed to cast this anchor out so I could bring myself back.  

Thought Stream Twelve, Thirteen and Fourteen

I then consciously decided to be aware of what was going on around me in this moment.  Since the chest pain and the hot flash were still so heavy in my awareness, I just focused on them.  I became very mindful of how hot I was without resisting that feeling.  I became aware of the beads of perspiration forming along my wrists.  I just sat with that and watched.  I watched the chest pain...observed how it came and went in little spasms on the left side of my chest moving to the center and between my shoulder blades.  I just watched it. As I did so I visualized that knot.  I allowed it and then I did something strange...I embraced it.

I put my hand on my chest and just said, " It is what it is and it is because that is...and it is all okay!"

Thought Stream Fifteen

After a few seconds I found myself back in this spot, in front of my computer, ready to write.  I looked about me and thought , "Man...this place is comforting today!"

 I took myself full circle from here to there and back to here, from now to then and back to now, from presence to  being lost in thought and back to awareness.   When I found myself out of the streams and back in the here and now, I began to write. 

As I tune into my chest now there is a bit of heaviness but no pain.  The sweating has stopped too.  How cool is that?

All is well in my world

Anita Moorjani (March or April 2020) ...sorry , for the life of me, I can't seem to find this you tube link so I can cite it here.   :(  I will keep looking!