-David G. Allen https://www.pinterest.com.au/pin/389209592783310299/?lp=true
The 'Personal' Reason Behind Yesterday's entry
I was thinking about a future event when I wrote that yesterday. I was hoping a little life milestone would be achieved by someone I love who has been struggling so to achieve life milestones and feeling pretty down as a result. In fact, depression and life destroying numbing choices were ensuing And I had hope that this small achievement would help to inspire hope in him.
Hope I knew, could pull him from darkness...up into higher life affirming emotions. From there he would be able to step into faith...in himself and in life in general. No matter what I said or how I said it made little difference but 'experiencing' good, success etc would inject hope more than my little words could. So I had been hoping for him to reach that milestone.
The Selfish Side of Hope
I wanted it for him but I also wanted it for me. My heart had literally been aching for him for weeks. I have been worried, anxious, sleepless and so very afraid. I felt his pain and I felt totally helpless to do anything about it. And I mean it...my heart was aching...literally...for him. I have been very brady, dizzy, ankles swollen at night, eyes swollen in the morning with a heavy chest for as long as my concern for him began. I too had hope that this achievement, as minor as it was, would make a difference in him...would do what I felt helpless to do. ...for both our sakes.
The Impersonal side of Faith
I had sat down, right as he was being tested and began to write my blog entry yesterday and as I do every morning I read my lesson from ACIM which spoke of putting the future in God's hand. Serendipitous right? I was thrilled to read that I could put it all in God's hands. That God would take care of it so I didn't have to worry anymore. I was filling my head with hopeful images of his success and his turn around.
I wrote the entry with that hope and was just about to sign off when this thought dawned on me as heavy as the feeling in my chest right now. "That doesn't mean things will turn out the way you think they should. Your idea of good for all may not be God's. Maybe this bit of suffering is necessary for some greater joy later. Trust...even when things are not going the way you think they 'should'....that God knows what he is doing. That's faith"
I went back to the entry and wrote about trusting God's knowledge of what is 'good' over our own idea of it. I knew I needed to do that.
Things didn't work out the way 'i' Hoped
For about one hour, I was all the things I had thought I was somewhat beyond experiencing. I was anxious, pacing, wringing my hands, expecting, 'shoulding', doubting, bargaining etc...all the things that tell me I am not yet where I want to be.
I discovered at the end of that very ego dominated hour...that things were not going to go our little way. He was not successful and down he went into the spiral of some dark space I couldn't follow. I stood above him and sang out my support, my love, my concern, my fear and yes even my anger(which I had hoped I could rise above). He was too far down to hear me and all the pain just settled in my chest where it so loves to curl and down I went physically.
Trust God; Trust Life
I have to remind myself that Life knows what it is doing. If things don't turn out the way that 'I', in my small little ego dominated mind, think they should... it doesn't mean that it is not happening the way it needs to...to ensure the greater good.
I stepped aside, later that day, away from my numbing busy work. I sat outside with the sound of bird chatter, buzzing insects and the breeze through all the trees that were surrounding me...and I allowed myself to feel two things...love and gratitude. Those two emotions consumed me and somehow eased the feeling in my chest.
Ironically...I wake up today (after allowing myself to sleep in until 11)...to this lesson from ACIM
Love is the way I walk in gratitude.
-ACIM-W-Lesson 215: 1
I feel peace. I feel a calm acceptance. I will be patient. How cool is that?
All is well in my world.
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