Freedom or Confusion in Not Knowing?

Freedom is given you where you beheld but chains and iron doors.  But you must change your mind about the purpose of the world, if you would find escape.
-ACIM-W-200:5:1-2


Hmm!  I am going to step back a bit and listen to the words that came sputtering out of me onto the page over the last few entries.  You are not the only one who may have been confused by them...let me tell ya lol. I am.

I have to think about why these things  are coming out and whether or not I should (I know ...one of the bad words lol)  share them here.  I read so much, I listen to so much outside and inside of me, I 'feel' so much and I write to understand.  This stuff literally just comes pouring out of me.  I cannot seem to stop it any more than I could stop a cut from bleeding.  I could cover it, put something over it but isn't that what got us into this confused mess in the first place lol? 

Anyway...I am not an expert!  I know nothing!  I really don't know anything and it is actually quite an experience.  The more I realize this, the more I pull away from the way I used to live and function on a daily basis. I can't seem to function the way I used to.  I do not socialize like I used to because when I am around people I realize that I do not know all the things I used to think I knew and we used to share.  I don't know them...I mean I see egos and personalities but I know that isn't them ...so I find myself staring at people in such a different way.  It's like, "Wow! Who are you?" (And I know they are saying the same about me because I appear so different to them.) ...I say so little...I listen but I find myself bored with social chit chat or petty problems...I want to hear  about the 'meaning of life' and peace.  (And very few people want to talk about that lol). I am becoming so reclusive.  I do not need people the way I thought I did. I still care very deeply but in a deeper more connected way that doesn't quite make sense to me yet. (another bad word lol)

I do not enjoy what I thought used to be so much fun but I revel in being able to sit outside on a beautiful evening and listen to the wind through the trees or watch as the light changes.   I do not need 'excitement' and thrills. I don't need to 'do'.  I see all the 'numbing' behaviours going on around me and I feel sad...the use of substances, mindless activities, work etc to dull or distract us from the life experience saddens me deeply.  Don't get me wrong, I see it in myself too. I want it to be different or at least, I want to see it differently.

I am knowing less and less and changing more and more. How can I share what I don't know? And how come it sometimes comes out of me like I do know?  It is all so bizarre...so wonderfully freeing, awkward, nonsensical and amazing at the same time.   

So I caution you to take what I write here with a grain of salt.  I can't validate the 'knowing' only the information that comes from sources that have come to me.  I can tell you that it feels so right regardless of how confusing it may seem to those reading and to myself.  It feels right. But I definitely do not know!

All is well in my world.