Undermining the ego's thought system must be perceived as painful, even though this is anything but true. Babies scream in rage if you take away a knife or scissors, although they may well harm themselves if you do not. In this sense you are still a baby. You have no sense of real self-preservation, and are likely to decide that you need precisely what would hurt you most.
ACIM 4:II:5:1-4
Sometimes I feel like I am running with a pair of scissors in my hand. :)
I don't know about you but this awakening process is a very lonely one at times. There are few people around me who seem to get what I am all about now. Heck, half the time I don't even get it lol.
It is all so strange and so new and it too often feels like I stand here alone with my shifting beliefs and "abnormal" ideas. Like a shy kid on the fist day of school, I find myself stepping back and away from others. I sometimes feel like a target for judgment and shunning because I no longer think like the crowd. I am different. The defenses that once protected me from the potential of negative opinion are gone. My image, my title, my so called status, and my desire to conform...gone! I feel as vulnerable as heck from the stripping away of all the familiar things ego provided for so long, the things I thought were me. Who am I now? What do people think of me now? What do I want them to know? Where do I go from here?
Getting Clean and Clear
I am like a recovering addict getting clean for the first time and taking the first painful steps to "clear." I am red and I am raw. I need support. Yet, where are the support groups for this? There are no Ego Watcher's groups set up to help us shed the extra pounds of sickening ego from our lives. There are no 12 Step Ego Anonymous groups though maybe there should be. There is no sponsor I can call up when I feel myself slipping back into ego ways.
Though there are so many teachers in the words I read, there is not one person standing before me that I can actually see and touch who knows this path well because they have been there that I can go to. There is no experienced "body" guiding me and pointing me in the right direction. It feels like I am doing it alone and I am not sure what I am doing, especially now as I realize I know nothing!!! Some traditions state that a Guru or teacher is a requirement. What happens if you are already knee deep in and you don't have one? Will I sink?
The more I "seem" to lose from ego's world the more raw and exposed I feel, and the more vulnerable I feel, the more likely I am to turn to old familiar patterns of coping...and it sucks to slip. Not only do I feel guilt and shame when I do but I also feel doubt . "Am I ever going to get this?" I question. "Why am I even trying?" Not only that, the old ego comfort tricks don't even work for me anymore. They do not bring comfort or anything akin to a high. They only make me sick.
Rehab
Man, I need some type of rehab...seriously. I am afraid though, if there was rehab facility to go to for this, I may never want to come out into the real world again. I don't know how to live here anymore. I don't quite know how to relate to people without my ego getting all inflamed again. Part of me wants to stay away from people all together. I don't want to explain myself, rationalize why I am here, get lost in the "meaningless" again . I don't want to deal with judgment of any kind when I feel this vulnerable. Is this why people join monastic traditions?
Biting the Bullet
Or maybe I just need to suck it up and keep going. Though I am tempted, I chose not to leave the world behind and hide myself away. I am here for a reason. I am going through this process for a reason. I picked up that book by Norman Vincent Peale, way back in 1981, for a reason. It began the process, a process I am determined to finish even if I have to do it alone. I have something to share with the world...I am not sure what this is exactly yet...not sure the world is even ready for it or for me and my strange ideas :) but I got to do what I am here to do. That simple. So I bite the bullet and go on.
Peace will follow
Though I might not be experiencing all the peace I want to feel right now, in this early part of the waking up process, I am confident it will come. I am going in the right direction. Of that, I am sure. I will be led, if not by an actual alive person lol, by Something within me to where I am supposed to go. I am getting many inklings of that peace now...so I know it is there. I just need to be patient as I wait for the healing to be complete.
But when you move amidst the world of sense, free from attachment and aversion alike, there comes the peace in which all sorrows end, and you live in the wisdom of the Self.
Gita 2:64-65
All is well.
References/ Reads
A Course in Miracles
Easwaran, Eknath (2009) Translation of The Bhagavad Gita. Tamales: Nilgiri Press
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