Pride divides the men,humility joins them.
-Socrates (https://quotefancy.com/quote/908711/Socrates-Pride-divides-the-men-humility-joins-them)

I have been feeling less than well.  It is hard for me to admit to that. This is the only place I feel completely "safe" in doing so.  Here is my place of truth because it represents my quest. It is a place where I can be imperfect and honest while I discover who I really am.  (Aren't you lucky you get to hear me whine lol). 

Ego pride.

Outside of these self-reflective and isolated places I wear my stoic clothing, a remnant of ego pride that clings like the dickens to me. I am way too proud for my own good.  Pride, according to the Buddha, is three-fold involving a  thought that we are superior, a thought that we are inferior and/or a thought that we are equal. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABgOBv20_fw).

In my attempt to hide my perception of a lack of wellness I am striving to be all three of these.

I strive to be seen as superior to myself and others...in the sense that I want to appear like some special being who can easily get beyond physical complaints and limitations and challenging life circumstance without uttering one complaint or needing help from anyone.

I also feel pride when I goof up and fail in this impossible request.  When I start to feel sick I feel inferior and ashamed so I do not want to admit out loud...that I hurt, that I need, that I want help and support.  I retract back into my safe place and wait it out...so no one sees me hurting and "failing". Most sadly, I punish myself by pushing myself to the point where I am at now because I think that I am not worthy of recovery time, wellness maybe.  I devalue myself and that according to Buddhist teaching is pride.

Then there is this striving to appear equal to everyone else.  If I say that I "can't do " what everyone else does with ease; if I admit to my physical limitations or this feeling of unwellness; if I call attention to my life circumstance I will not be like everyone else.  So my pride keeps me from admitting that I am not equal....that I have special needs.

Pride puts me in this place again and again.  I put me here because I choose to listen to ego and thus cling to my ego pride rather than divine pride.

What is Divine Pride?

Divine pride recognizes that we are all parts of the one spiritual essence.  There is no division between those who can and those who cannot. The only limitations are the ones we put on ourselves, a crippling refusal to know our own blissful light. (https://somathread.ning.com/groups/buddhism/forum/divine-pride)

We all have this divine light inside of us.  To deny it does a great injustice to the world and to ourselves.

Let's be willing to trade our ego pride in for Divine Pride.

References

Video: Published by Michael Scalet( 2017) Opening your Heart with Ani Tenzin Palmo. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABgOBv20_fw


ADMoon (Feb, 2014) Divine Pride in Somathread. Retrieved from    https://somathread.ning.com/groups/buddhism/forum/divine-pride