Disturbed?

Jesus said, "Those who seek should not stop seeking until they find. When they  find, they will be disturbed.  When they are disturbed, they will marvel and reign over all."
Gospels of Thomas Collection (see below)

Where is the Reward for Seeking?

When I finished reading/studying the text for A Course in Miracles for the third time, I finally felt like I was "getting it".  After rereading it and other spiritual scripture, studying , thinking, and dreaming about the teachings I could finally say I was learning.  I was indeed waking up.  Then suddenly I felt myself disturbed. 

I was an emotional and mental mess.  My head was full of ruminating thoughts about worldly things an awakening person I assumed  should not be thinking about. so I felt guilty and ashamed.  I couldn't meditate without agitation. I felt out of place everywhere I went, unsure of myself, anyone  or anything.  I was doubtful, fearful, anxious.  I couldn't get my mind to work in the precise way it used to. I couldn't even teach right, think right, write right  or talk right. I couldn't seem to "fix" my moment  in the way I was used to-by gift wrapping it in a pretty package of words and thoughts that I could hold away from this image I had of myself and admire from a distance.  That wasn't going to work anymore. I felt sick as if ego was wrapping its sticky fingers around my throat and chest squeezing the awakening right out of me. And  I was pissed!

"Say what??!!! " I found myself asking the universe.  "WTFront door. That was 669 pages of hard core reading and analyzing. Am I not supposed to be getting peace now?  Do I not now deserve to gain the rewards of all my hard work? I suffered enough, read enough, studied enough, analyzed enough, "did" enough, did I not, to get the prize?  Why am I feeling everything but peace?"

The universe didn't answer...or at least  not obviously.

Letting Go of the Familiar

Somehow and in some way, I was made aware of this spiritual teacher and this book he wrote. It was almost as if it was a planned sequel to my learning from A Course, the missing piece, even though I am sure that is not what the author intended (to be the missing piece for my learning lol).  When I began to read, Adyashanti's, Fall into Grace, I instantly  realized what was happening. I was falling (undoing, atoning)  and on the way down I was looking for something familiar to cling to.

What was familiar was the connection I had with words, identities, behaviours, thoughts and beliefs. It was by these things I identified myself, I identified life. What was familiar was the chaos, the mess in my head, the fear.  What was familiar was ego. That is what I reached for.

The, "Who Am I?" Question

What I was getting from A CIM and all the other  spiritual seeking I was doing was that...I am not these things. It was leading me to ask the question: Without them, who the heck am I? What is life? What is anything?

When we believe what we think, when we take our thinking to be reality, we will suffer.- Adyashanti, Fall into Grace

The learning I gained from a Course didn't add "knowledge' to my mind...it actually undid it and took it away. I learned that what I thought I knew, I don't know.  It floored me to realize I know nothing...absolutely nothing about anything.

Free Fallin'

So here I am free falling into what I hope ( but do not know ) will be grace. I have no knowledge.  I have no perception of stable ground beneath me. I have no identity.  It's bloody scary!


 I am afraid of the landing even though I actively sought it.  So what do I do instinct wise- I grab onto ego thoughts and ideas, names and identities...anything that will break my fall. Yet, I am aware enough to know that if I grab onto anything I will go nowhere.  I will remain stuck.  I also know (or think I know because of my understanding of science lol)  that the softest landing is  one where I do not tense up and resist the impact.  So I feel like a mess because I am trying to cling, trying to let go.  I am trying to fall gently into grace and at the same time I am tensing up and resisting the fall.

That is where I am right now in my awakening. Not near the  grace I long for but getting there.  At this point I have this inner feeling that I do not need to do anything but continue falling. It is ego that tells me I have to grab, cling, fix this moment of free fall.  It is spirit that tells me to just lay back in the space and let the moment be.  Grace  already has her strong protective arms around me.  I am safe.  I was always safe even though I know nothing.

Spirit is in a state of grace forever. Your reality is only spirit. Therefore you are in a state of grace forever.-  ACIM

(Thought I would share that with you in case you can relate. :))

All is well

References/ Recommended Reads

Adyashanti (2013) Falling into Grace. Sounds True.

Foundation for Inner Peace. (2007) A Course in Miracles: Combined Volume. Third Edition. Mill Valley: Foundations for Inner Peace

Patterson, Stephen & Myers, Myers-translators (n.d.) The Gospels of Thomas: The Nag Hammadi Library. from The Gnostic Society Library. Retrieved from http://gnosis.org/naghamm/gosthom.html   (So interested in reading these in more detail)