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I believe that the only thing keeping me upright right now is the caffeine from my tea. :) I have not been perceiving wellness over the last couple of days in my body or in my world. There is something to learn from that.
A Personal Tale of Woe :)
I am going to share a personal experience with you. Boring in detail, maybe, but loaded with learning potential as are all our life experiences.
I worked too many hours on Tuesday in an attempt to keep up with my course load...didn't think too much of it until 3 am following that work day. I woke up with chest heaviness, palpitations, swollen eye lids and an incessant whooshing/clicking in my left ear leaving me a little breathless and dizzy ( think the valve is acting up) as well as an anxious unsettled feeling that wouldn't go away. I couldn't go back to sleep.
My mind, needing to explain the anxious feeling, fed me with all kinds of awful things that might explain it, including a load of shameful and painful memories. I couldn't seem to turn it off. And of course, when I feel this way I notice all the things that are not so great in my life...including a dying washer machine that has decided to flood my washroom and leak through to the basement, a house I cannot keep up-at all, and the constant reminder of people who I need to pay for one thing or another. Ugh!!!! So, in a sense, I was suffering with physical, emotional, mental and circumstantial symptoms that left me perceiving anything but wellness.
Tapping On the Door
These types of symptoms that so many of experience in one way or another from time to time are like taps on the door to our consciousness saying, "Helloooo! Anyone home?" They want in. they want to make us aware of some blockage in the flow of life's energy. Man I tried to hide from them, stand in the corner away from windows and hold my breath until they left...but the pesky visitors wouldn't leave. Life was more than determined to speak to me!
Then like the door to my actual house, which was left wide open this morning while I was sleeping so my dogs could get out and wreak havoc with the neighbors who were snow-blowing ...it came barging in through the door of my moment. I had no choice but to let er rip! I had a mini crisis to deal with. One of my dogs did something I cannot fix or minimize.
In my attempt to accept what happened and retrieve these lovely but untrained dogs I was hit with a chest full of pain and nausea, almost to the point of collapse. My back went out again from being forced to carry this one unwilling creature away from the scene of the crime. More important, I am filled with a sense of dread as I wait for the authorities to show up at my door once again. This time I am afraid the consequences may not be so favorable.
I also found myself fuming!! I was so angry that it got to this point and I was left to handle it. I was angry that my body wouldn't let me do the simplest things...that it wouldn't give me enough energy to train the dogs in the way I know they need to be trained. That it wouldn't even let me carry a dog a few feet to my house without dropping me to my knees. I was angry that my life "was so hard" and angry at anything that made it harder! I was angry that I have been targeted by the neighbors as someone who is irresponsible and uncaring. I was angry and someone had to pay!
So I chose D. and told myself I was angry at him for leaving the door open, for not being here to handle the consequences and for having dogs that did not match his temperament enough so he could train them properly in the first place. So what did I do with my other directed anger? I had to call him and tell him what happened while I was still breathless and recovering from the angina attack because I wanted him to feel guilty. I was projecting my anger outward in a subtle and passive/aggressive form of attack as so many of us do.
"Huh?" My mind interrupted shortly after I hung up. "So that means, Ms. Oh -So-Enlightened One, that you were really angry at the fact that someone you love made a mistake that anyone could have made (not ensuring the door was sealed closed before he left), for going to work to help pay for bills you can't pay for and for being too sweet, kind and gentle with all living things? You should not be angry!!"
My mind interrupted my mental rampage outward by turning it inward through the nasty power of "should?"! What it said made sense but it also blocked a flow of normal emotion through me that could have been easily expressed and released over a bit of time. Instead of allowing me my anger release, ego served me a bowl of anger- resistance with a big dose of guilt and a cherry of shame on top. Instead of going straight to my hips it went straight to my back. Ugh!!!!Anger creates unwanted symptoms in the body but anger-resistance is even worse!
Seeking Refuge in my bed and in my silly thinking
It all seemed to be too much. You know? ...like one of those situations where you go to bed and put the pillow over your head to hide from the rest of the world. I thought as I lay there, "Okay...now I really gotta leave the neighborhood...What are the police going to say and do this time? We have run out of warnings. I do not want the dogs to pay for our neglect in training and I do not want D. to suffer in anyway...(well maybe I am still thinking that I want him to suffer just a bit...lol) . Between the dogs, the dandelions in the summer and the snowplowing I haven't paid for in two years... I am going to be as outcaste as a person can get. How am I going to sell this house when I cannot get the energy to clean it let alone get it ready for viewing? How much damage did that darn washer do anyway? How much damage will it do in the future because I still have to wash clothes and I cannot afford a new one? Do you think anyone will notice big puddles of water dripping from the ceiling? Do you think I can pass it off as a second shower downstairs?
Maybe I will sneak off into the woods by myself somewhere ( or maybe with my dog) and build myself a tiny little home out of twigs and branches. I will leave D. with the neighbors, the other dogs that are getting us into trouble, the house, the washer and the indoor water fall, as well as with the police and the disgruntled unpaid snow plough guy to deal with? What about the kids? I am sure he will look after them if I ask? He is after all very kind.
I mean I will miss everybody and it might be cold and I might get a little hungry...it will be hard going food wise in the winter for a vegetarian...but...I wouldn't have to deal with people and life circumstance and crap...and maybe if it is just me I have to look after I can finally get a handle on my health by becoming like the Buddha. My Boddhi tree will be the big Spruce or Maple along the trail in the woods where I walk. By the spring maybe I will be so covered in Moss or "Grandfather's Beard" no one will recognize me. The neighbors may even begin to revere me as the neighborhood yogi or something? You think? There are options for redemption and avoidance, isn't there?
Sucking it Up
Or maybe I will just suck it up; accept what is; get up out of the bed and face the moment as it is right now.
Sigh!!! You know that is what I gotta do, don't you?
So what is happening in this moment: Chest pain is gone after one shot. Back pain is still there but I can handle that and the more I release resistance to anger, the more the muscles will relax. The dogs are inside. They will be holding their pee for the next ten years of their life...because I am not letting them out again...but the life circumstance between them, the neighbors and myself is just a memory, the sequel to which may or may not happen in the unreality of future. Some of the anger I felt has been released by my willingness to experience it through writing about it. I realize how much I love and appreciate D. I am not at this very moment beating myself up with guilt and shame. Nor am I beating up the now. In this moment right here and right now...I am finding a certain peace; taking a deep breath and just allowing life to be life.
Hmmm! It's all good.
Learning to Let Life Be What It Is
Isn't that what we all have to do? Learn to let life be what she is, and flow through us as she is so inclined to do without resisting her ?
I tell you this story for two reasons: 1. Yes! I wanted to vent and feel sorry for myself for a minute lol! and 2. To share learning. There is so much learning in it that we all can benefit from. Unless you are one of the one percent of truly enlightened masters in the world, you have had such an experience to some degree. You probably have experienced a lack of wellness yourself.
What is the moral then of this major long spiel you may or may not have suffered through?
It is resistance to what is that causes suffering.
So?
Let life do what she is going to do with or without your approval; let others think of you what they are going to think, let animals do what they are going to do ( but work on making it better for all and be willing to accept the consequences if you don't instead of "blaming" the animal or others) and let yourself feel whatever it is you're feeling. Be aware of it, express it. Then let it all pass through you...
Don't resist, don't resist, don't resist.
For more on emotional resistance check out my blog post from February 13, 2017.
All is well.
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