Reality and the Spiritual Life

 

There is only one Life and that is the spiritual life.

Michael A. Singer

Hmm. To describe  my journey towards tapping into the essence of who I really am, I will often use the word "spiritual." Sometimes that word creates an uncomfortable idea in people's minds Maybe, an image  of bearded men siting in orange robes on a Himalayan mountain top chanting "Om" will be conjured up ... or maybe one will see  others gathered around a table  holding hands as it levitates  off the ground while they call on deceased loved ones. The connotation of the word "spiritual"  can sometimes lead people to walk away from hearing more from myself or others about this path we are on. Sometimes it even gets stuck in my own throat like a dry cracker when I try to explain it. 

I have to remind myself often that "Spiritual" , "Spirituality", "Spirit" are just words that have a host of different meanings for different people. We can't get hung up on the word! We can't get so blocked or triggered by words that we refuse to look behind them at what they are pointing to. What the word "spirit" points to is something so beyond our comprehension, it is hard to understand , let alone explain with mere words. Yet, at the same time it is so simple. It is that which is right in front of us...that which we too often do not see. 

I agree with Michael Singer.  There is only one Life...whether you call it a spiritual life, a practical life, real life or Fred...doesn't really matter. The point is, there is only one life, one reality. Spirituality, then, is reality. What is real,  is spiritual. Most of what we call life or living is just a bunch of "mental modifications".  We are often so busy living in our heads, thinking about life, that we are not living Life. We may spend our entire lives running from what is real so we can protect the unreal.  We are not experiencing "what is".  "What is", is spiritual. This moment, right here and now, cannot be anything but spiritual. If we put down our resistance of it and open up to it, we would see that.  That would be spirituality.

Spirituality is about letting go of that which prevents us from seeing and accepting, allowing and embracing the reality of each moment, the "suchness" of it.  It is about touching the essence of life with the essence of us.

What is in the way of us doing that?  The "me" is.  The "me" is unreal.  It is a compilation  of all that mind stuff we created that prevents us from experiencing directly the reality of who we are and what Life is. Without it we would be pure spiritual beings living  purely spiritual lives. 

A spiritual life then is one dedicated to removing the false layers of "me" so we can get down to the core of who we are.  The "me" desires, prefers, averts, judges, condemns, grasps, clings and pushes away what is.  Without our preferences, our attachments and aversions...without our  judgements, opinions and beliefs...there is no "me" and when there is no "me"...there is nothing covering Self. Self is pure consciousness and awareness. Self is essences and presence. Self is spirit!

Why would we want to painfully tear away all the layers of me and live differently? Because the way we are living now, pretending to be anything but spirit or spiritual, doesn't work!!! We are not actually living...just getting by, disconnected from what is real, therefore disconnected from the only Life there is.  We are not peaceful, happy, joyful or blissful, are we?  A spiritual life promises all those things. The unreal lives we are living lead us to pursue the non direct route that seldom takes us to this real experience of Life. It leads to non stop  chasing of things "out there" that might make us feel okay "in here".  It leads to pushing away reality and what it offers  becasue it triggers our lack of okayness inside. What is not okay is "me". We feed "me" and "me" gets bigger and we get even more "not okay". We get farther and farther from recognizing who we really are. We don't get any happier. We pull "me" away, on the other hand,  and what is not real about us gets smaller and smaller until all that is left is what is real. Life would be much simpler then, wouldn't it be, if we only had to deal with what is real? The spiritual Life is a simple Life.

Man I just want to be rid of all this unnecessary and unreal drama that "me" creates. It creates so much suffering! That is my reason for being on this "spiritual " path. And there is nothing "woo-woo" about that.  I do not have to talk to dead people and I do not need to renounce all my worldly desires to meditate on a mountain top, to be spiritual.  I just have to let go of the unnecessary, the unreal...and notice, allow, accept, embrace and revel in the miracle of what is real in me and in Life. 

Sigh! It is hard to explain.

All is well in my world!

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( May 25, 2023) Using Reality to Let Go of Yourself. https://tou.org/talks/

Leaving the Destination to Find Another Way to Get There

 

Every breath we take, every step we make, can be filled with peace, joy, and serenity.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Oh the mind is a strange and twisted thing! Well, at least mine is lol. I am finding it so interesting to watch this crazy mind of mine in action. After my entry  today about desiring, I felt almost free of the need for desire. I understood, once again through my self reflection, that desire would only take me away from this moment and this moment was more than enough as it was. 

 After a nice long meditation, D. and I took the dogs for a walk in the woods.  It was an absolutely beautiful May afternoon. As we were walking, the sun was shining, the breeze was blowing and  I was looking at the world around me amazed by the absolute beauty of it all. It all seemed so perfect. Suddenly,  I began to feel so connected to the earth and the path below me that I was walking on.  This smile came over my face for no reason. I just felt so happy.  Everything in life was good just as it was.  It was a truly lovely feeling. I thought..."OMG...this is it ...this is what unconditional peace feels like...this is what I have been really looking for from all those things I was desiring. This is amazing."  I didn't want to talk with D. as we walked I just wanted to bathe in this feeling I was having. 

That is until this little voice in my head began to talk, " Wow! This is nice that you are feeling this way.  Things are turning around aren't they?  Your spiritual stuff is working.  Your manifesting a bit of that peace you always pray for.  Hmmm!  Maybe that means your life is turning around for the better.  ....Maybe this is a sign that things are going to change for you.  Maybe the kids are going to be okay.  May be the money is going to come in.  Maybe your book is going to get published after all."  I began to visualize a publisher calling me on the phone to tell me they wanted to sign me.  I was having the full out  conversation in my head... 

And suddenly "Cuttt!!".I caught myself!  I could suddenly see what I was doing. There  I was savoring the most peaceful experiences I ever had, one that had no conditions attached to it...just enjoying life exactly as it was...not needing it to be any different, not caring if  it was ...I was experiencing real peace directly!  But  I left that experience  to run after a thought based on desires for things I erroneously believed, all my life,  would bring that same  feeling to me. It was like arriving at the destination you always wanted to be at and turning around to go find another , longer way to get there, a way that would only get one lost. I was having the direct experience of peace  and I left that experience  for  thoughts about the indirect and round about way to get that experience of peace. How ironic and crazy is that? 

I quickly brought myself back to breath, to the feeling of my feet hitting the path, the sound of the wind and the feel of the warm breeze on my skin. I found that feeling again within me but it was not as intense as it was. That's okay! I now know it is in me waiting :) . Besides... the learning I received today was invaluable. I have to chuckle over just how silly this mind can be.

All is well!

Desiring?

 Desires are a direct signal that you are not okay. There is nothing holy about desires

Michael A. Singer

I have a confession to make.  Well not a "Forgive me  Father for I have sinned..." kind of confession , but more of  a... revealing that I am not as far along on this journey as I would like to be... kind of confession. I still have worldly desire.  I am still wondering what I can  grab "out there" so I feel better in here. Yep I still desire.  I still have dreams for this form and for my family that I am clinging to though I am trying to suppress them.  Suppressing them and pretending that I have evolved beyond them doesn't make the desires go away. :) I still day dream, at least once a day, about being pulled up by some redeeming thing I "do" and accomplish, or of my children being pulled up by what they "do" and "accomplish". I want us to be redeemed  to a state of social equality and approval...heck...maybe even to a state of social superiority, making all the worldly problems we are facing now with money, judgement, health and isolation go ..."poof!"... out the window! 

My desiring starts small.  I dream of a slowing down in the addictive and unhealthy patterns I am observing in those I love...small steps taken toward recovery. I dream of  my loved ones having access to the appropriate mental health services they need.  I dream of them feeling better about life and themselves. I dream about them being, at least, willing to hear what I have to say about what I am learning. I dream about them and myself  having enough income to pay off debts and get by, at least without the worry and strain many are facing now. I dream about all of us having enough mental and physical health to live a fairly decent life.  I dream about us being more peaceful. I dream about this house getting cleaned and maintained somehow.  I dream about being able to travel a bit more...to see a bit more of the world. I dream about maybe having more yoga students, more readers here, publishing another article or two. Small desires maybe...but still desires that involve a "looking out there" to make me feel better "in here". Desires that take me from the "what is" of my life. I desire freedom from suffering and I desire peace. Sigh!

When I let myself go there, I have bigger desires too!  I dream about being published and paid  for what I do. I dream about publishing a book that increases my readership. I dream about having readers that appreciate and  validate that I am providing a service, letting me know in someway that it is okay to spend my days writing!  I dream about having a little more money than what is required to get by so I can save and never have to worry about it, while having enough to give more to my loved ones and those others who need it.  I have dreams of teaching what I so want to teach and knowing that I actually am reaching people. I dream of my children taking the path I am taking towards  healing and understanding of Truth or at least getting far onto another path that will take them towards recovery. I have dreams of being able to travel once a year, being on a beach in some lovely tropical get away one year...travelling the streets of Europe another year. I have dreams of having enough money  to hire a housekeeper to do the heavy cleaning once a week  and maybe enough to do the renos that so need to be done around here.   I have dreams of being redeemed...creating something that makes others who once believed I was nothing see that I am something. I dream of happiness. Sigh!

And I can, if I permit myself, have even bigger desires! I dream about becoming a best selling author.  I dream about reaching millions with my words and having a global impact. I dream about having enough money to do the things I can only image doing now...taking the whole family on big vacations...getting them the best help possible...living in a house on a beach somewhere that I don't have to clean  and that my children and grandchildren visit often. I dream about them all finding their way and being well.  I dream  about  taking my teaching to stages all over the world, reaching large groups of people with my healthy, recovered children by my side. I dream of being full of joy and enthusiasm for life. Sigh!

So yeah...I dream and I desire worldly things. These dreams get bigger and bigger, when I allow it,  even though I know that these worldly desires are not what I really want.  I want what  I erroneously believe these desired things will bring: peace, happiness, joy and enthusiasm for life.   I want an end to suffering and possibly some peace...that is what I want at the base level. I dare not, my mind tells me, ask for too much at once but it  would be really nice, as well, if everyone around me could be happy. Seeing joy and enthusiasm for life radiating from myself and all whom I love may be a stretch right now but yeah, if I am being honest...I want that too someday ( that hope thing again) .  

So I do desire and I do dream about things changing outside of me but I also know that it is not these things that need to  come into my life in order for me to be free from suffering, at peace, happy and even joyful and enthusiastic. Though it may not be skillful or wholesome to linger in desire, suppressing desire is not the answer either. We are human, and humans have desiring minds. We are going to want and we are going to dream. 

We just need to recognize when we are desiring and come to terms with why we are dreaming. Then we have to remind ourselves that even if we get what we want, that will not change the root cause of our desiring. 

So our desiring often comes from this idea that we are lacking and not okay inside.  Desiring takes our attention away , then, from appreciating what we do have.  Maybe we are not lacking in reality? Maybe we already have more than we believe we do? I am reminded that to many, many people out there looking in at my world, I would be viewed as very fortunate.  Many might  even desire what I have.  They may desire the bits unfolding in my experience that I  feel are not enough. This life style I am living  may be more than enough for others. Infact, my life may be seen as purely abundant!To many homeless people, I have a wonderful home and it is a lot cleaner and more comfortable than where they are living right now! To many poverty stricken people scrounging for food to feed their families with,  I have an abundance of financial wealth. To many people with children who overdosed or took their own lives, my children are very healthy and well off.  To many people, living in war torn countries, I have peace. To many people living in countries where they have to pay for health care service, the services my children and I  have access to are a true blessing.  To many people living in cramped cities, the part of the world I ended up on is a beautiful vacation land in itself. To many people having to put all their energy into mere survival or to those isolated for whatever reason, I am fortunate just to be able to write and reach one reader, to teach yoga to one student.  To many people my life may be  something they dream of having? How can I, then, even see myself as lacking enough to want more? 

In order to achieve these grander dreams I must accept something that may not be wholesome in the bigger picture. It may require that this "me" gains a "special" status. Specialness means that I must have more than others; do more than others; stand out more than others etc.  It is a setting apart. from others. We desire sometimes to gain and maintain a special status through our dreaming. Do I really want to do that? Seeking a "special" status also  comes from a sense of lacking and a sense that we are not okay inside. Why are we not okay with just being ordinary?  Why  do we want to be "extraordinary"? Will that  take away our deep sense of unworthiness that often spurs on our desiring? No, it won't.   

When are we going to realize that getting what we desire is not going to make us okay inside? Our pursuit of this false idea that it will...will lead to a lot of longing, hoping, being pulled out of our moment, reality denying and eventually disappointment. 

When we catch ourselves desiring we can , instead of asking, "How can I get that which I desire?"...ask:  "Why am I desiring? Why and how am I not okay inside?" That question will pull the mind away from its longing tendency, away from its habit of running from reality and it will guide us to look inside for the solutions for our lack of okayness. 

If we become aware that we are desiring and then ask those questions, we can begin to work on  fixing what is broken inside. We can become okay inside!  That will put an end to the need for desire  We can operate from  a deeper consciousness that knows we need nothing from the outside world to be complete and whole. Peace, happiness, enthusiasm and joy  cannot be found in anything out there. They are inside us already, waiting to be discovered. 

Something to ponder.

All is well.

Michael A. singer/ Temple of the Universe ( May 23, 2023) Freeing Consciousness- The Path from Distraction to Liberation.https://tou.org/talks/

Peeling The Onion to Get to the Light

 Life is like an onion: You peel off layer after layer and then you find out there is nothing in it. 

James Huneker

If you read my entry yesterday, you may have walked away  bored to tears or at least confused. I was on a rant, I guess, trying to explain some insights I was gaining as I sat in the Seat of Witness Consciousness. It is a cool place to sit and from here things are kind of interesting and amazing, albeit...still painful. From here I am not lost in what I am experiencing...certainly  feeling and experiencing it...but disengaged somewhat. I can relax as I watch. I see what is going on around me and in me...and at the same time I am very much aware that it and this "me"  isn't who I am. I see that there is Something Greater watching and Observing.  That Observer, I am beginning to realize, is who I really am. 

Not Enlightened!

In this process of waking up, my observing tendency, doesn't mean I am enlightened...far from it.  It simply means I am on the path.  How far I get on this journey and where it will take me, I don't know. I don't even know exactly what it is I am looking for.  I don't know what is "in here" beneath it all. I just want to get beneath all this junk that is causing so much strife for "me"...that I see causing so much strife for others who are also buried under their stuff...regardless of what will be there when all the layers are peeled away. It is very much a self centered little mission at this point...

What is under the peeled away layers?

So what is this thing that is there under all the layers?  Consciousness?

The greatest mystery of the world is consciousness. It is the most important part of your being. Take every thing away and it is the thing that remains aware that it is happening. (Somewhat paraphrased).

Hmm! So I asked the question yesterday: If you peel all the layers off an onion, do you still have an onion?  What is left is "nothing", right? No- thing but empty space, what the Yogis would call Akash. What is in this Akash? Consciousness, awareness...that which we are? I don't know.

 "Onion" was just a word used to describe the form from which the Akash emerged or what was left after the form layers were peeled away.  "Me" is just a word to describe all these layers over consciousness? Is conscious Akash what is in us when we peel away the form layers of thought, beliefs, feeling, story, roles,  ego, personality and all that which lays beneath the image- and then beneath the  broken "little me" and its problems, likes and dislikes? I don't know...but I want to find out. Do you? 

Why I seek

Why do I want to find out?  Because I want to be a spiritual and fully enlightened being?  No...I honestly don't truly know what those words mean and what they entail.  They are just words.  I just want to stop suffering!  I know, now, intuitively more than conceptually, that the only way out is through.  Nothing "out there" is going to take away this suffering for me or anyone else in the world. It is an inside game. There is peace in here...I know there is! How or why I know...I can't say...I just know there is.  I have had precious glimpses of it. I know I have to get through each layer of protection, stored memory and junk , peeling one layer away at a time to get to this peace. I guess I am digging my way to Akash...though I wouldn't use that terminology. I am just breathing my way to peace. I am digging my way to Who I really am (which may be nothing more than space) beneath all this junk I stuffed on top of it. My motive is very selfish, at the same time, I know intuitively it is the least selfish thing I can do.

I know...I know.  It doesn't make a lick of sense but man oh man, I am 100 % committed to this something that doesn't make sense. 

Only Beginning

From  the below podcast, I am reminded that I am just on the first lag of this journey.  If I am still seeking what lays beneath the layers mind built around this thing I call "me" ...which Singer calls "consciousness"....I have a long way to go yet.  What we really want, he tells us, whether we know it or not, is to return to the Source of Consciousness, that many of us would call God. We take this light of consciousness that we are shining on the world around us and on our little self ( which I am doing...I am narrowing the beam of light to observe this "me" being peeled away one layer at a time...that is my focus) and we shine it on Itself. Consciousness must turn to Observe consciousness. 

Huh? How does a light shine on Itself without a mirror reflection ? I haven't figured that one out yet...lol...will get back to you.  

How?

Step One: Observe the Layers

We can start by removing our light from the distractions around us. We are told we are the light.  We are  told we are already in a state of peace ( actually in a much greater state than peace according to yogic teachings..."Sat Chit ananda") but we can not see who we are, what is there at the core of us because we are so busy being distracted by the likes and dislikes and the so called problems of this "little me" we created.  Most of us are not even aware we are "caught up" in those layers...not seeing the possibility that there may be more than this. So attention is often  caught up in the layers, in preserving them, so we don't have to experience the pain of the ones beneath. We are not doing this consciously but reactively.  We are lost in a dream.

Step Two: Question if there is more to Life than these layers.

Then we may begin to realize that there might be more to us than these layers.  Maybe Life comes around and rips  one  layer off and you are left with the sting of it but realize that you didn't stop being because that layer of "me" did.  

Step Three: Realizing that Building Layers  and Outside Protection Doesn't stop Suffering

We start to become aware that we are suffering and that building layers n top of our suffering is not the answer.  We see a certain light flickering in the direction of us and what we have been doing. We are still at this point attached to our layers and doing what we can to protect them.

Step Four: Be Willing to Have the Layers Peeled Off

Even when we realize that folly of that, like I have done, and willingly agree to have the rest of the layers pulled off...our attention, this light's focus, is still on something other than Itself. .  Me is still around...me is still causing pain and problems...even more so now that it is being so tortured by the amputation of each layer. The light shines  on the dissolving of each layer of the "me"....which is a big wonderful step forward...but it isn't finished there .

Step Five: Stop Being Distracted From The Seat of Self

 I have not realized Self yet. This light is still far from the point where it can, through "my" will,  shine on Itself and where all else is dissolved into that light.  I am far from enlightened. I still suffer and react and get lost.  I still feel the sting of layer removal and have no idea what I am going to find when all layers are removed. I just know I want them gone! I am still being distracted.

"I am being distracted from my Seat of Self.  How do I learn to not be distracted?"

Step Six: Train the mind to handle reality

Good question! Michael Singer reminds us we are capable of training our minds to handle reality.  We need to learn to handle "what is" without the pseudo protection the layers of "me" have given us which in themselves are forms of resistance.  We stop resisting Life and we start relaxing and releasing with everything She gives us.

Step Seven: Know where your light is shining

And  I believe we need to keep asking, "Where am I shining the  light of consciousness?  Am I shining it on what is real ( Life doing what Life does) or unreal ( all the mental modifications in my mind...all these unhealthy layers I may be trying to preserve)? Am I shining it on the Subject ( that which is watching) or on objects( that which is being watched)?  We cannot change the nature of the objects but we can tap into the nature of the Subject. "

Step Eight: Keep Peeling Away

I believe we need to ask, as well: "What are these layers of "little me" I have  hid this light under? Am I willing to remove this one? How does that feel?  What is that like?  What is under this layer? Am I seeing clearer? What about this layer? Am I willing to remove this one even though it might be painful and scary and I have no idea what I will find underneath it? What does that feel like? What is there under it? Can I relax and release into this underlying layer? How am I seeing now? Any clearer? " etc etc etc until each layer is removed. 

It really isn't a complicated process but when one goes to explain it, it seems so complicated. 

Anyway, once again, I am rambling.  Hope I made enough sense for someone, somewhere to get something from this.

All is well

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe (May 22, 2023) Freeing Consciousness- The Path From Liberation. https://tou.org/talks/

Dying Layer By Layer

 You must die to be reborn.

Michael A. Singer

I am dying.

Well not literally but I am dying in order to be reborn.

(Though that quote is often believed to come from Jesus ...I cannot find those words anywhere in the bible.  It is true that many times Jesus talked about "dying to self" in order to be reborn into the Kingdom of Heaven and I gather it has the same meaning as above. He didn't, however,  actually use those words.)

The point is, the meaning is the same: We need to let go of all we thought we were to be what we can be. The death is the death of the ego and all its defense mechanisms. It is the death of  personality with its likes and dislikes. It is the death of  our reliance on  mind stuff, concepts and stories  that keep us stuck in the head.  It is the death of the "separate little me" focus. It is the death of hope and expectation that something in this outer world will bring us to where we want to be.   

The rebirth is the re-emergence of the True Self when the egoic me is no longer in the way. It is the releasing  of Shakti flow when all the things we stuffed on top of it are no longer blocking it. And it is  the rebirth of uncontaminated Love and joy when fear is no longer in charge,  

There truly is a death of "me"ness and a rebirth of "Oneness" in this process of awakening.  We give up the sleepy half conscious self for the fully alert and awake one. Heaven is our goal but we need to stop clinging to earthly things and old patterns of thinking and existing that just don't get us there...in order to truly be here, where we always were and never truly left.We have never left Heaven...we just built a "mental concept " of  hell around it. 

Dying is more of a scraping off of old useless  layers that we once used as protection but that were always just layers in the way, creating a hellish type of suffering. Having these layers that we once thought were a part of us...felt we needed...and under which we hid in these pseudo safety zones ...removed...stings  like the dickens. With each layer that gets peeled off we feel more and more raw and naked ( without the Fig Leaf) and more and more vulnerable. 

I heard my great niece (now seven) recalling what it felt like to have her soother taken away years before..."I felt so scared...so sad.  My throat was choked up every morning and my nose was full of the snot of my crying [her words]. I was mourning.   And though I really really wanted it back because it made me feel less afraid, I knew I couldn't grow up to be a big person with it in my mouth."

We cannot grow up to be big fully expanded human beings if we continue to cling to this false sense of security these unreal selves we created give us.  We need to let that die...so we can be reborn.

Sigh! I  am dying. And dying, isn't fun! It seems to be a slow and painful death. 

I am watching myself slowly die and I am at the point where I am standing back with my hand on my chin saying, "Wow!  This is really happening." Though it isn't a lot of fun right now, a certain "curiosity" has led me to bend over and observe a little more closely the process as it occurs. 

I wasn't always this curious and accepting. So many unhealthy  protective layers have been stripped off me by life circumstance over the last few years.  I fought and I struggled and I cried out "No!" clinging with all my might as each layer was pulled away. Pieces of "me" were being painfully amputated against "my" will.  I was angry and resistant when my professional identity , the  career I told myself was "me" and the income got pulled away. Even more ferociously, I clung and struggled to redeem the reputation I worked so tirelessly to build when it was being pulled off 'me' by  "other assumption". I fought against the reality that pulled away my "good mother"identity and this false notion  that I could fix or "save" my children from the choices they were making ( that was a big and very painful stage of dying for me...probably the biggest). There were many layers pulled away. So many of the top layers got pulled off me against my will and it took me a long time to accept that.

 As I look closer now,  I see the perfection in it all. I  can see how I actually created those top layers to protect the layers beneath them. They were not healthy...just hiding more unhealthy layers beneath them. Even more layers??!! It was the exposure of the layers beneath the surface that I was trying to avoid with all my clinging.  They were layers of redemption I built over my broken bits..but Life said "Nope!  Time for you to be reborn...so the layers on top must die to expose what is underneath. " My outer personality ...that image I built to show the world that I deserved to be here had to die first.  So layer by layer it began the process of dying. It is still dying but thanks to Life, a lot of it is already gone.  It is a strange sensation not to have those layers of "me" to hide behind anymore.  I mean, I see how "unreal" they all were, how superficial...like building a house on sand. I tried to redeem the little self by building something grand in my mind and then by projecting it outwardly.  I can see how arrogant, self righteous and self centered  this "me" was when in the layers beneath, this "me"  was so frightened and unsure. I see how it was all a show...to make me seem like something other than what I was underneath...broken. The confidence I was expressing in the socially approved roles I selected was an "act" to hide the anxiety and the sense of unworthiness that was such a part of my life . I built self-esteem because I was conditioned to believe it was a good and healthy  thing to do that and in so doing I built layers of unrealness over what is truly real. When those layers crumpled or were stripped off...I was left to face the broken me. The broken me was never real either ..and I didn't know that  until now. It was just another layer that had to be peeled off.  I am slowly working on that.

 Beneath the "broken me" there is still a lot more dying to do. I am excavating right down to my samskaras. That  is the layer I am looking at now. It is dark in here and when the light shines  on it a bit I can see it isn't pretty and easy to look at. I feel that darkness and that pain in every cell of me though I can explain none of it.  I still have the overwhelming tendency to want to pull one of those removed layers back over it.  But I don't.   I am not going to look away any more.  I am committed to this process of dying to be reborn....one layer at a time. 

I am no longer resistant to the layers being pulled off "me"by life circumstance. Though I am still scared, I say, "Bring it on!"  I am ready for all the layers to come off until there is nothing left of this "me" . I am not sure what will be there when that happens but If you pull every layer of an onion off ...do you still have an onion? I want the "me" gone so  I can get to what is underneath, if anything. I am putting myself in situations where the remaining outer surfaces will get scraped off and the inner stuff will be exposed. I mean...I am already so vulnerable in this naked, exposed state with most of my old layers gone...so most experiences are uncomfortable and samskara triggering anyway. There is still a tendency to avoid but  with a great deal of curiosity I just watch that tendency and I watch what happens when I do not avoid.  I watch myself being triggered.  I watch myself  reacting or responding. I watch the  remnants of old layers flapping around on me. I can pick up those old tendencies to hide, pretend, stuff, run etc  so quickly in me and I just watch them as I move about doing what I am doing.  I feel the stuff inside me coming to the surface and sometimes it is absolutely awful. But I experience it all. It is terrifying, depressing, exciting and amazing as I observe! Ten years ago this would have been crazy making. I would have run and hid behind any layer I could find.  Now I am committed to facing the pain. I am aware of what is happening.  I am willingly observing it, experiencing it and learning from this discomfort. I am more than willing to look at that inner stuff and release it all. I am willing to die, for the rebirth of who I truly am to occur. I have faith that it will be worth it. 

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( May 21, 2023) Exploring True Compassion. https://tou.org/talks/rove 

An Honest Book Review

 Criticism may not be agreeable,  but it is necessary. It It fulfills the same function as pain in the body. It calls attention to the unhealthy state of things.

Winston Churchill

Hmm! I debated about doing this, I did, but I feel compelled to give my honest review of a book I just read ( well partially read). Why do I feel I need to do so? I am really not sure.  I was greatly disappointed because this book did not meet my hopeful expectations...but that has nothing to do with the author and everything to do with "me". Expectations and hope, I have learned long ago , are just mind stuff that carry us away from "what is",  leading to more suffering in the long run. I knew this...but "my bad" for forgetting it.  

There may also be some ego stuff I am dealing with interfering in my ability to be completely objective.  I felt somewhat jealous that this person appears to be externally succeeding as an author and teacher, reaching many, when I wasn't. (I really had to work through that before coming here...I did not want something so petty leading me to project criticism, you know?) I want to be objective. I also want to be fair and kind to the author, to any potential readers and to myself. 

I was referred to this author by a friend who heard her speak about her research. After listening to this author speak, I  found myself compelled to learn more. She seemed humble, knowledgeable, intelligent and articulate, trustworthy and selflessly committed to using her "expertise" for the betterment of humanity ( she spoke about her years of service to the disadvantaged youth during and after Apartheid in South Africa).  So I rushed off to order the book, thinking it would help me to awaken a bit faster by helping me to "train my mind to change my  brain". I was very, very interested in the premise, excited and enthused to read the book. 

I picked up the book when I received it. I liked the cover: a hand scrubbing away at something and thought it was well suited to the title, "Cleaning Up Your Mental Mess". Mental mess? Isn't that what Michael A. Singer is going on about all the time?  This book, then, would be a good compliment to his teaching? I looked down at the  author's name ad I got my first intuitive pang of resistance  in my gut.  It began with Dr.  than the person's name.  I knew the person had a pHd (in something I wasn't familiar with)  and I have no problem with author's offering their credentials behind their names but it seemed "very off "to see that Dr. in  front of her name with no initials after. A certain credibility was definitely lost. Though I loved Wayne Dyer I  always sensed the ego when his books were written as "Dr Wayne Dyer." 

I pushed the feeling down. Then I excitedly began to read the book. After the first page that intuitive pang in my gut got stronger.   I couldn't get myself around the writing. It did not seem at the level of someone who probably had to write a doctoral thesis to earn a pHd...and someone who claims to have many research papers published in scientific journals...not at all.  And it made the book very, very hard to read. I reprimanded myself for being so judgmental... not everyone is able to express themselves well through written word, I told myself.  It doesn't make what is being said or taught less credible. But the more I read, the more this feeling in my gut grew in intensity.  "This doesn't seem credible!"  

The argument in the book was very vague and repeated over and over again with this promise that if we followed the five steps and bought the app we would see for ourselves what the science was supporting.  It was even proposed on many occasions that the five step approach was more effective and practical than the "fad" or "trend" of mindfulness and meditation could ever be.  That definitely added to the pain in my gut.  

I tend to be quite good at recognizing  voices...be they spoken or written...and I could also hear the author's voice in the quoted testimony's offered by so called research participants and clients throughout the chapters. I was having a very hard time with credibility.

Still I was determined to read on...maybe I would get something from the science revealed in the book. Apparently there was over thirty years of research done. I have read many, many scientific research papers on a variety of subjects over the years so I do not find it difficult to read such. I was looking forward to it.  I wanted the science to prove me and the suspicions I was having wrong. It didn't.  I found  it very, very difficult to read and make sense of the scientific research presented in two of the. chapters. I found very little valid correlation between the research done and the research conclusions made.  It seemed to be  extremely vague and assumptive, loaded with a great deal of observer bias. Extremely, extremely repetitive pointing to the conclusion that  the only possible variable for the findings was the use or lack of use of these five steps and the app that had to be bought. Sure there were diagrams offered, scales used, charts and what not, a control group and an experimental group but what was presented as evidence was so vague and could basically point to anything as the cause of the so called changes found in the experimental group compared to the control group. Maybe there was a possibility that the actual  science done  was okay and could live up to all the hype it was given...but by the way it was presented in the book, it lost all credibility to me. 

Then when I got to the chapters giving us the definition of thought and mind...it was again repetitive taking the teachings found in many ancient scriptures and turning them around in a very confusing way. Denying, as well,  the validity of some of those teachings in the name of science (a science  that really wasn't science)?   At that point...I found myself saying, "I just cannot read this. Am I the only one that is confused by this book and now distrusting of the author's intent?"   I went to the Amazon reviews to find out and after a few of the more positive  reviews,  I scroll down to the not so good reviews (there were a few) and find one review in particular that echoed what was  in my heart and mind. I was not the only one.

Because I was still in love with the premise of the book and hoping to gain something from it, I went back to the book to skim through the last few chapters to see what the  five steps were,  the essence of this so called brain changing technique: Gather, reflect, write, recheck and active reach. There is really nothing unique in this life style approach...except for the names of each step......at all.  But, I was reminded  again and again by the author ,  it was the only proven way to tap into the neuroplasticity capability of our brains. And in order to get the full benefit of this "scientifically validated" technique , one has to purchase the app. 

I fell in love with the premise of the book and totally agree that we have to clean up the mess in our minds.  That is a truth that has been passed on by teachers of ancient wisdom for centuries.  It isn't new and it isn't "rocket science".  Let me rephrase that, "It isn't neuroscience."  It is just truth...a truth that is freely offered to all.  You do not need to buy this book or this app to get there. You definitely can buy them  if you want to...it might prove to  be a valuable pointer for you taking you closer to where you need to be. By all means go for it.   I am fascinated with the science of neuroplasticity and have been reading about it for years,

The book was in essence, I am afraid,  just one long promotional sale technique to get us to buy the app. I personally feel...what it offers is not credible enough to become worth the purchase of the book, let alone the app.  

Please do not judge the book or the author ( especially not the author) based on my review. It is best we do not judge at all, right? Determine for yourself what is true or not true, okay? I am trying to be objective but I know I am not completely being so. My gut feeling is too loud and noisy.  I am judging the book, the credibility of the research and the intention behind the book.  I am criticizing in order to call attention to the unhealthy state of things...in me, in the self help movement and in egos need to succeed. I am doing my best not to judge the person the author is because I do not know her. ( That is why I am not including her name...of course, with research, you can easily find out but I will not make it easy for you) . 

I can learn from the experience of reading and reviewing this book . We can all learn from this...we can all learn from everything. And we do not need an app. We just need to observe Life and mind.

All is well.  

Some articles on neuroplasticity worth reading:

Fuchs, E & Flugges, G. (2014) Adult Neuroplasticity: Over Forty Years of Research. From: Neural Plast: 2014: 541870. Published on line: Hindawi. Retrieved on May 21, 2023. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4026979/ 

Voss, P et al ( October 4, 2017) Dynamic Brains and the Changing Rules of Plasticity: Implications for Learning and Recovery. From Frontiers in Psychology. Retrieved on May 21, 2023. https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2017.01657/full

Just a Stage

 Humanness is a stage you are going through.

Michael A. Singer

You are not "just human."  Being human is just a stage...one small step in your evolution...lasting but a blink of an eye to eternity. It is just something you, as a much higher being,  are going through, a universal extension of  the terrible twos, or the teenage years , or even a mid life crisis.  Humanness is merely a stage.

Our  80 plus years (if we are blessed with that much learning potential) in these bodies and limited concept of  self is just something we are temporarily experiencing as consciousness.  They are not who we are. Our human and soul  mission, I believe, is to grow up and realize who we are. Some of us  will fly through this stage of being human like the toddler who masters potty training in a week. For others it will be like the long torment full years of acne, hormones, and the sense of never  fitting in that occurs between childhood and adulthood. It will be painful and slow. And for many, many of us, it will be like we are adults that are never able to grow up. Some of us will never grow up or wake up to the truth of who we are.  But that is what this stage down here, on planet Earth,  is all about.... learning and experiencing what it is like to be human and then transcending that humanness for who we really are.

Pretty crazy, huh? 

The Buddha taught that the highest state we can achieve in this earthly school of evolution is compassion. Compassion? Yeah compassion.  Compassion, of course goes beyond sympathy and pity for the earthly problems we all share while we are in these forms. Singer, in the below podcast, tells us true compassion is rooted in a deeper understanding of who we really are beyond these forms and the cause and effect nature that brings us to where we presently are. It is about an understanding that beyond the earthly "problems" and this made up idea of "me" and "you" ( the self), .. is the Self we never left, exactly where it is meant to be. We need to get past this facade of "self" or "me" in order to realize that truth and to truly experience compassion. 

When you get past yourself...you can live in this world with compassion.

We cannot be truly compassionate with another suffering these human woes and concerns so many of us are lost in until we realize that there really is no need for concern...that there is nothing wrong  anywhere  but in the story we created in our minds to make rudimentary  sense of why we are here. It is, only when we can get past this "little me" and its bleeding heart...that we see that all is exactly as it should be....and  this "me" or that "you"  had nothing to do with it. 

In compassion, we do not commiserate...we know better. We offer this wisdom to the suffering other

Every moment  is perfect result of all the forces that caused it to be that way....

Acceptance of that reality and the reality of what is, is a major part of compassion. Singer reminds us that it took 13.8 billion years for the moment to be exactly the way it is. How can we have a problem with it in these mere seconds it is unfolding in front us then? Because "me" stands up and resists what is! We become so super focused on the object...that which is unfolding in front of us, we forget about the subject...that which is observing. We get so caught up in little me's drama we fail to see the dramaless nature of Self. We are the subject, not the object and our mission is to redirect that light back on Self. We are simply meant to stand back as Observer and say to whatever Life offers us, "Wow!  That is so cool. It took 13.8 billion years of events happening the way they happened to become what I am observing now.What is even more cool is that which is observing and gets to experience all this!  ". 

Once we reach that understanding...there is no more suffering.  We will look out at others still suffering the torment of "little me" and without judgement or condemnation be able to sincerely say, "I see your pain . I feel your pain...but I know it doesn't have to be this way. When you are ready ...let me show you how to get past your pain." 

You want a nice life? You want to bring love into this world? Well be more understanding that  it is the way it it is because it is...things are the way they are....because of all the forces of creation that made them be that way...you had nothing to do with it. 

There is no need for renouncement in order to become fully evolved and compassionate beings. Just a willingness to look into the dark,  sometimes secretive world,   inside, searching past the humanness for the universal roots of suffering in the way of us truly experiencing who we are. Then it takes a relaxing and a releasing. Once we begin the process of  cleansing and being free...we can help others do the same in a truly compassionate way. We may just find ourselves evolving into our senior years with great wisdom, clarity and peace. .

All is well.  

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( May 21, 2023) Exploring True Compassion. https://tou.org/talks/

Edit

 Message in a Bottle 

Dripping with my truth,

the pen transcribes 

a message 

onto  crisp  paper.

In  a cursive  

awkwardly mastered,    

loops and twists 

scratch out  the  first 

of the inadequate words :

"Dear Reader..."

I  know not who this reader is

that I write this message for....

it matters not

to the being 

doing the  dictating.

Lost in the call, 

with little to no

thought of outcome,

I bleed out my learning,

my life, 

teaching, writing, sharing

until my hand is tired

and the loops and twists, 

despite their longing 

to be eloquent, 

 become exhausted 

broken symbols

that are difficult,

 to decipher. 

The message,

I must trust,

transcends the scribbling

in its clarity,

extending beyond 

the  mere page

with little help 

from "me".

Done,

 I sign a name,

comfortably  heavy 

in its obscurity, 

before  lifting 

the now inkless pen

from that which 

it so lovingly

 made contact with 

only a moment before.

I roll the paper, 

and this truth it carries, 

ceremoniously, 

 into a tight little cylinder 

before stuffing it,

into the narrow opening

of the somewhat resistant

glass bottle I have selected. 

I seal it in preparation

for its journey.

Standing on the shore line 

of eternity

I close my weary eyes 

and with breath sucked in

I swing my arm back,

 then  forward 

and with  quiet  reluctance

I  let go.

This 

message in a bottle

is pulled up and away 

from my  grasp, 

released  into 

the ocean's waiting arms.

When I feel

 the cool splash 

of its departure

on my satisfied skin, 

I know

my job is done.

What happens to those

scribbled words

 is now

out of my hands.

I may never know

where this message 

will end up. 

The waves of Life,

not me,  

will decide its fate.

Maybe,

its destiny will be forever

entwined with the ocean's,

bobbing up and down

with every crest 

and trough ,

beneath eternity's 

endless skies.

Or maybe...

 it will be guided 

by  fate's tides

 to some 

distant sandy  shore  

where it will be pulled

onto the beach

to lay quietly, 

collecting  the suns rays,

glistening  in the spectrum 

of its color, 

until it is noticed. 

Maybe ....

a passerby, 

attracted to the 

reflection of light 

coming from this 

well travelled glass container,

 will bend to pick it up.

Maybe,

 the bottle will be unsealed 

by these same curious, 

serendipity -trusting fingers,

and the paper pulled out.

Maybe....

what I have written

will be read

and maybe ....

it will be received 

with

openness and awe

while the reader gains 

even just a speck

of wisdom

from the life lessons 

I have painstakingly transcribed.

Or maybe...

 the message will lay

where it has landed,

unnoticed and unread

forever.,

And , with no eulogy or epitaph

to lift it from insignificance,

slowly buried

beneath the wind blown sands 

 it  is resting on.

I do not know where 

this message in a bottle 

will end up

or if and how

it may be received. 

That is not mine to  know.

I did what I was here to do,

I wrote

and I  let go.

I release  that 

which was never mine

back to the Source 

from which it came.

© Dale-Lynn, May, 2023

Give Self Away

 To attain to something greater than yourself, you have to be willing to give yourself away. 

Michael A. Singer 

Though I write that it doesn't matter, it is quite a curiosity as to how the readership differs according to the stats page here.  One week there is over 100 readers a day, the next there is under five. Google always has a different perspective, it seems, as to how many and from where the readers come.  Why is that, I wonder. Hmm! Anyway, it is what it is and it is all good. Not what I wanted to write about.

You must die to be reborn, 

This readership curiosity is only uncomfortable to the ego, the psyche, the "little me."

Today I would like to talk about the above from Michael A. Singer's talk.  Without calling it out, he was basically describing the message in the Kena Upanishads...one of the most beautiful and resonating verses I have ever read. I would recite it, but because discerning "me" has a preference as to what translation I find most poetic...and I cannot seem to find that translation this morning...I won't . I will let you find and  read a translation for  yourself .  Of course, going to those words and concepts is not the answer.  We must get beyond it all. We must let go of it all and we will simply fall into Self when we 

In order to go beyond yourself, you have to give up yourself. You must leave where you are now and if you let go of that, you will naturally ascend...nothing at all holds you back but you...your concepts etc....paraphrased

The journey is a journey into Self....The only time you are really going anywhere, is when consciousness pulls back  into consciousness. 

Are you going to spend your life studying the objects of consciousness or are you going to spend your life studying the nature of consciousness?

Don't find God in your mind.  Do not find God in the objects of consciousness.  Find Self by giving up self and you will find God.

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of teh Universe ( May 18, 2023) Contemplating Awareness. https://tou.org/talks/

Changing the Concept of Self

...forget not that no concept of yourself will stand against the truth of what you are.  Undoing truth would be impossible. But concepts are not difficult to change. One vision, clearly seen, that does not fit the picture as it was perceived before will change the world for eyes that learn to see, because the concept of the self has changed. 

ACIM Chapter 31: VI:5:1-4

Hmm! I opened up to this today. Concepts...concepts are not truth but they often stand in the way of us knowing who and what we are. We cannot change the truth but we can change our thinking and believing. We can change the concepts and ideas we have of ourselves for the truth.  When we do that the way we see the world and everything in it will change. We can learn to see differently.

All is well. 

Message In a Bottle

 Message in a Bottle 

With a pen 

dripping with my truth,

I begin to transcribe 

a message 

onto the crisp  paper.

In  a cursive I have 

awkwardly mastered,   

I begin the note  with  

the eloquent loops and twists 

my hand and mind 

are trained to make:

"Dear Reader.."

I  know not who this reader is....

maybe many...

maybe few.,,,

maybe none...

it doesn't matter.

I will leave it at 

"Dear Reader."

Getting lost in the call, 

I bleed out my learning,

teaching, writing, sharing,

my life,

until my hand is tired

and the once beautiful  

loops and twists

 become exhausted 

broken symbols

that are difficult,

but not impossible,

 to decipher. 

Then I sign a name,

comfortably  heavy 

in its obscurity, 

before  lifting 

the now inkless pen

from that which 

it so lovingly

 made contact with 

only a moment before.

I roll the paper, 

and this truth it carries, 

ceremoniously, 

 into a tight little cylinder 

before stuffing it,

with some resistance,

into the glass bottle I have selected. 

I seal it and send it off.

Closing my eyes 

I  release this

message in a bottle

 into the universal ocean,

feeling the cool splash 

of its departure

on my satisfied skin. 

Where this message goes,

I do not need to know.

It is up to the waves of Life 

to decide its fate.

Maybe...

 it will  forever

bob up and down

with every crest 

and trough ,

blending with 

the ocean that made it. 

Or maybe...

 it will be pulled 

by tides to some 

distant sandy  shore  

where it will roll 

onto the beach

to lay quietly, 

collecting  the suns rays,

glistening  in the spectrum 

of its color, 

until it is noticed. 

Maybe ....

a passerby, 

attracted to the 

reflection of light 

coming from this 

well travelled glass container,

 will bend to pick it up.

curiously wondering 

what is inside.

Maybe....

 they will, 

with great zeal and excitement,

 unseal what I have sealed,

and pull the paper out.

Maybe....

 they will  read 

what I have written

and maybe ....

they will even be 

happier and wiser 

for doing so, 

learning from the life lessons 

I have shared.

Or maybe...

 the message will lay

where it has landed,

unnoticed and unread, 

as the wind buries it in the

sand it is resting on.

I do not know where 

this message in a bottle 

will go

and what it will do. 

I do not need to know.

I did what I was here to do.

I  let go of that 

which was never mine.

© Dale-Lynn, May, 2023

I was going to leave it at that but mind said, "No. Go back and explain!" lol I still listen to mind a bit too much .

This poem is about writing and submitting.  You probably already got that and it probably didn't need any explanation  but I gave one anyway. Writing is all about taking whatever we observed and learned from life , and  from listening to the wise eternal voice within,  and sharing it. It doesn't matter who the "Dear Reader" is...truth is we really never know. It is not up to us to know.  We are here to write, transcribe a certain learned truth before sending it away. This writing is a calling and something we may be trained to do but the real writing, and the real learning we share,  comes not from training, but from bleeding our lives out onto the page. That sometimes can get messy. It isn't about ego either...that is why there is some comfort in obscurity...the ego has not tainted anything yet when we are unknown or unrecognized.  

Then, when the message is written, it is about simply trusting that what we have written will go to where it needs to go.  Thy Will, not "my will" be done. And maybe that place is nowhere, and to no one. The process of curling the message  up, is the submission process which for me is often met with some resistance. I find it challenging to stuff what I have created into what others may  want. The bottle we stuff it in is our selected publisher or means of getting it out there. Sometimes it doesn't make it to the publisher/beach.  Sometimes the bottle is attractive enough to get the attention of readers so they actually read what we have written and sometimes the written message  just gets buried in a slush pile. Regardless once we submit or publish  like I do here, it is out of our hands.  I always feel great satisfaction when I press "send" ( for a submission) or "publish" ( here). There is a letting go and a release.  And I know, "My work is done!". 

All is well!

Set It Free

 

Hiding pain requires an enormous amount of energy, sharing is liberating.

Carly Simon

I share a lot here, much to the horror of many who know "me". Too much embarrassing self disclosure .  I do not do it carelessly or for the sake of ego gratification. I do have a deeper purpose for coming here. I do.  The whole time I am here, I am not sure how many people I am reaching or if it really matters.  I am not promoting "self" here. Last week the site said I had over 100 readers/day and today I have less than ten ( I question the site statistics because it differs from google analytics...but it doesn't matter.)  What I do here is kind of like writing a message in a bottle and throwing it into the universal ocean.  Not sure what shore the bottle will land on or if it will be read or by whom ( hearing a great big resounding "Poem" in my head lol...meaning there will probably be a poem following this entry). Anyway, it doesn't matter.  I do the writing and the sharing because I feel I have to and then I send it out. Where it lands after that, is not up to me. This "message in a  bottle" will reach a reader somewhere someday that needs what I have to share.  That I know. That is really all I need to know. 

Big long spiel yesterday.  Why do I tend to share such boring details?  Hmm! I share my realizations  for my own healing and for yours.

Thought

The resistance I experienced yesterday came with meeting a barrier (my body's complaints)  in my decision to keep up with social expectations. I was committed to proving myself in order to counter  the thought "You are not "earning" and "doing" enough so you are not meeting social expectations! You are not pleasing others, Painful consequences come when you don't please others." When I didn't work, the thought won. 

Emotion

And that comes with a certain degree of "shame" and "fear". Yucky almost paralyzing emotions.

Core Belief  

These emotions are directly connected to the core belief, "You are not worthy! Though you will never be worthy, you need to work really hard to be permitted to stay here and not be punished for being here." 

Memory: Individual and/or Collective

And that is related to a memory from this lifetime and possibly from others. ( Generationally so...I come from a  line of poor Irish immigrants. My poverty stricken and misplaced grandfather just happened to marry into a well to do English family here. And from what I understand, he was never truly accepted. My mother's story, of not being enough, is much more painful. This is just a smidgeon of the generational shame I inherited. I strongly believe Jung's theory of collective unconsciousness.  Though I can not prove it with scientific evidence, I intuitively propose that we not only inherit the biological and genetic markers from our ancestors, but also  their memories in a vague and diffuse form. And if you want to get a little "woo-woo", I believe we also inherit  their karma.)  

Samskara

Okay...back to the so called "my story". This ingrained and sometimes deeply buried  belief/ memory/karma, with all the emotional energy wrapped around it, is one of "my" many samskaras. 

"Why on earth would you share something so pathetic crazy lady? That belief and that shame  is not something you are meant to share.  It is meant to be hidden inside. What will people think of you?"

Hmm! First of all, I know intuitively, that I am not the only one who is hiding such a shame inducing samskara within me and whose life is being deeply and darkly affected by it.  If you took the time to really look inside yourself, past all your mind stuff and defenses ...you are likely to find something similar lurking in your cellar as well. You will likely find a painful memory or pattern that you have suppressed or repressed. The problem is in the hiding of it...the resistance of it....not the thing itself.

 I hid this thing inside "me"  most of my life. It was buried so deep, I couldn't truly see it or understand it.  All I knew is that it felt "real bad".  Everytime it got triggered by something outside and that awful and strange shame and fear would emerge, I would do what ever I could to push it back down. It got triggered a lot.  (The bigger the samskara the more likely it is going to get poked by life events.)  There was a lot of triggering and a lot of pushing down. It was exhausting keeping it down, keeping it hidden, keeping it free from the bumps and pokes out here. And it was impossible!  As much as I tried, I couldn't control the triggers that activated it. I couldn't control Life.

To it, the triggers were not a bad thing but a blessing. It wanted to come up.  To be seen! To be expressed! Why? Because it wanted to make my life more miserable than it already seemed to be? No!  Because it was simply following its natural tendency to be expressed, experienced and then released. It wanted to be set free. It didn't want to be inside anymore than I wanted it inside me. I, all my life, was refusing to "experience" it  and the pain it was buried in,  so I was holding it prisoner inside me. You are likely doing the same with your samskaras, whatever they are. An unhappy prisoner makes an unhappy warden.

So I share these realizations  with you as they emerge in the mundaneness of this life I call "mine". I want to heal by setting the samskaras inside  free.  I want you to heal so you are free as well. So I share.

I see with a certain amount of clarity as I awaken ( albeit slowly and somewhat awkwardly :)).  I am not asking you to trust that...I am just asking you to trust yourself enough to look deeply inside.  See what is there hidden in your own heart nd mind and set it free.

All is well. 

Eight Steps In Handling Resistance

 Yesterday I was clever so I wanted  to change the world; today I am wise, so I am changing myself.

Rumi

Despite a gruelling weekend of in your face reminders of the suffering of those I love the most, I was ready, mentally  and emotionally, to go in today...so ready.  I was even looking forward to it. It would be a good distraction that would help me, a bit,  to overcome my financial despair. I was committed and had peace in that commitment. Then at 11PM last night the belly started acting up big time...something I am used to, something I knew would go away, and something I could handle...but also something I couldn't bring outside this house. I found myself resisting that with a big "No! I am ready to go in...I worked through this so I could go in.  Why is the body acting up now, getting in my way?  "  I slept maybe three hours but still I was committed to going in. I was awake before my alarm, for reasons other than anticipatory anxiety this time.  "Maybe," I told myself.  "It will all be over by the time I have to go in." Then the doubting mind said, "What if it isn't?  You know how this works...you can't be 'out there' and going through this pain. You have to make sure it is all over." I decided to get up, try eating and drinking tea...to see what would happen. The belly was definitely not okay but I still told myself maybe...maybe I could do it. As I was debating back and forth with myself, the opportunities came and went. 

Through this I found myself resorting to self punitive self talk, "This is just a psychosomatic thing....another avoidance technique you are using to get out of doing the uncomfortable.''...it even went farther than that, "What is wrong with you?  You are not earning ...not even in your yoga...so you should be more productive around here. You don't do enough to be considered even remotely productive.  Look at this house and yard.  You can't even have people over.  You should be spring cleaning the upstairs and  basement.  Everything needs a fresh coat of paint.  And the outside of the house needs some work. It doesn't have to look like a scene from the Trailer Park Boys.   You are so lazy. Everything and everyone is a mess because you don't "do" enough!" 

The more I allowed it to go on the more punitive and self deprecating the talk became. So on top of the pain in my gut, I felt shame in my gut. There was a big drop in consciousness energy downward...fast! 

So  as I sat there nursing my belly and my broken esteem, I listened to Michael A. Singer. I was reminded of what I was doing and what I could do about it.  I was not okay inside...this "idea" I created of my inability to keep up with  social pressure to be okay was triggering my own unokayness. I wanted and needed to let it go.  I reminded myself of my spoken priority in life: to do and be whatever I had to do or be to be okay inside. That meant, I knew, letting go of this low hanging fruit that hung before me so the big stuff could come through. This is the process I developed and adapted from Michael A. Singer:

1. Step Back and Witness: This is the first and most crucial step.  We need to step back from the experience or the reaction and observe what is happening objectively. A willingness to look inside and a basic understanding that we are not that which is happening in us or out there,  is all that is required.  Doing so  creates a distance between us and what we are experiencing so we are not so lost in it. Instead of identifying with it,  we can see it clearly.  As a nurse who learned and taught how to document objectively, I tend to write my inner experiences down. 

2. Do a Reality Check:  What is real here? I answer those questions knowing that anything that already happened is real and cannot be changed. What is real is this stomach thing, whatever the cause. It is real. What is real is that it happened at a time I was planning on accepting work. What is real is that I made a choice I cannot go back on ( what is done is done) and that means I missed more work. I missed out on income.  What is real are the numbers in my bank accounts. What is real is that I resorted to old habit tendencies of negative thinking and self-deprecating. What is real was at those low moments, I was not self compassionate...at all. What is real is that beating myself up made me feel worse and made this "drama" noisier and more attractive to my consciousness.  What is real is that my consciousness and my energy took a nose dive and that only made things worse. What is real is this entire "experience". 

3.  Allow, Accept and Even Embrace what is real. Once I determine what is real I allow it to be exactly as it is.  The physical stuff is easy for me.  I accept this belly thing when it comes...I allow it to be exactly what it is.  I accept pain in any form.  It comes, and in my practice, I have learned to automatically accept it and allow it.  I started my practice with Charlie Horses...those severe and sudden cramps one gets in the calves and feet. They can be pretty nasty, right?  The fact they come on so suddenly can lead to a great deal of resistance. Well I learned to, instead of jumping up and down like I am putting out a fire...screaming "No! No! No!" , to just sit with them, breathe in to them. I  observe them, allow them and watch as they climax and then dissipate. I even embrace each cramp by saying to myself, in not so many words, "Hello pain.  What have you to teach me today?"  They last half the time without any story of why they shouldn't be attached to them.  I have transferred that learned skill onto experiences with other pain I get in my body. Once I let go of my resistance to the fact that the belly thing was screwing up my commitment to work this morning,   I asked that question. Then I began to wonder if it was in the universal plan that the pain came when it did, possibly  so that I would come here to write about it?  

I also accept and allow my reaction and my resistance when I observe it. I allow and accept, even if I am not at the point I am embracing lol, my financial situation.  Most importantly, I am allowing, accepting and embracing the release of samskaras, regardless of how painful and "problematic' it may seem to make my life.  I rejoice in every thing that is released! 

4. Relax and Let Go: Michael A. Singer reminds us how important this step is, in helping us to move past our resistance so things can flow through us. I suggest training ourselves to relax by practicing relaxation when there is nothing in particular we have a tendency to want to resist.  Make relaxation a daily practice through meditation, relaxation exercises like PMR, yoga, Tai Chi, deep breathing, breath awareness...whatever. So when the time comes that we catch ourselves in resisting mode we can almost automatically relax enough to let go of that which we are resisting so it can pass right through us. I think I heard him say : Relaxation is the antithesis to resistance. 

5. Confront the truth  and Reconstruct the thoughts in a positive, life affirming way that lifts  the conscious energy.  Thoughts can be changed! I can go back and reconstruct those thoughts so they are more positive, self compassionate and energy lifting.  Though that doesn't change past or what happened in the past, it will improve the way I feel about myself now and in the future. 

• Is it true that I was avoiding? Maybe, but definitely not at a conscious level.  "I am not sure if the belly was a psychosomatic avoidance technique I was using.  If it was, it was not conscious. Regardless, it was very real to my belly and body." 
• Is it true that I missed work and missed out on a day's income? That I missed out on many opportunities for one reason or another.  Yes. Can it be changed? No...what is done is done. But the way I look at this experience can be reconstructed. "Yes I missed out on work today but it was beyond my conscious control I made a choice based on what was presenting in me at the moment for the betterment of all." 
• Is it true that I am unproductive? That would depend on whose definition of unproductive I am using. " It may be true...and again I don't know....that many people out there would consider me unproductive, even lazy, based on the things I do not do. Yet...I know in some ways I am very productive. I study nonstop...sometimes reading a book a day. I write 2000 + words a day, I write poetry, I submit some,  I do a committed practice of healing every single day, I do complete the basic house keeping chores daily  and I do teach yoga whether I have a full class or not.  I clean the studio prior to every class. I am also realizing that society's idea and need for productivity is not "my need" any longer.  I choose and will continue to choose doing whatever I can to ensure peace of mind, over productivity everyday." Can the lack of productivity be changed? Definitely, I can make a plan to complete those things listed in my self talk if I choose to. 
• Is it true that I am lazy? No.  I work very hard at certain things and when I commit to hard physical labour I can push myself through unbelievable feats. " I am not lazy.  I prefer the term "sloth and torpor" and though I do see how I am often facing that tendency in myself, I, as a person, am not lazy. ( Lazy, can not follow "I am" in any of us.)   I have a powerful active mind that will allow me to push this wonderful body with its limitations very far. When I am motivated I can even push past this body's pain, this body's response to exertion...even when it means I might be be less than compassionate to its needs. I am sometimes overcome with mental and physical fatigue as I journey through this healing I am doing...but I am not lazy. It may seem lazy to others when I focus more on "inner productivity and cleansing" than I do on outer...but I am not lazy.  No I am very far from lazy! 
• Is it true that everyone and everything is a mess because I do not do enough. No. "I am not responsible for the unokayness in other people.  Though my lack of so-called productivity may be triggering the "unokayness" in others, I do not have the power to make a mess of others or everything.  I have the power to support and encourage others and the best way I can do that is by cleaning out my own inner mess and being as okay as I can be.  My focusing inward is the best thing I can do for others."

6. Remind self , "I can handle this!" (Michael A. Singer). I tend to say, "I got this!" . I can definitely  handle the belly problem. "I got this!" I can handle the fact that I miss out on many shifts for one reason or another. " I got this!"  I can handle the income I have right now.  "I got this!"  I can handle other people's "possible" opinion of me as lazy and unproductive.  "I got this!' I can handle the resistance when it comes up.  "I got this!"  I can handle the 'shame' when it comes up.  "I got this!"  I can handle the fear in whatever forms it comes up in.  "I got this!"  I can handle the release of my samskaras (which is a lot of what is going on here). "I got this!" Make that "I can handle this!" or "I got this!" a mantra repeated over and over again in the back of the mind!

7. I also like to remind myself that "I am much more than this" and " Life is much bigger than this, much bigger than "me!" I constantly try to remind myself of my "I am" ness so I don't identify with all the things going on around me or in me.  I also remind myself how big Life is...how many eons and eons it has been taking place ...how big the Universe is...and how small I am on it...If I am small...this thing I am resisting is even smaller. 

8. Be Kind to Self Through the Process:  This obviously is something I have to work on but it is so, so important. It is is funny how we beat ourselves up, causing more pain when we are in pain, isn't it?  Reflecting on our self talk gives us an opportunity to first of all see how unkind we are being and then it gives us the opportunity to rewrite the narrative in a more compassionate and self nurturing  way.  We need to make that narrative realistic too....it has to be something we can believe. (As long as narrative is needed, that is). 

"You are an amazing being on an amazing journey of learning.  It is expected that you slip up and fall every now and  again. God trusts you  enough to make it challenging! The more challenging it is, means the more you are trusted!"

Anyway...works for me. Belly may still be a little wonky but the mind is now  peaceful!

All is well

Michael A. Singer ( May 15, 2023) Learning to Handle the More Difficult Events in Life. https://tou.org/talks/

The Light that Sees

 You are the light of consciousness on which the world appears.

Eckhart Tolle

That is a pretty profound statement. One we will not realize until we awaken to the truth, until we become aware of presence.  Let me rephrase that:

...you don't become aware of presence....what happens is that presence becomes Self aware; or awareness becomes self-aware. Consciousness becomes conscious of Itself. And that is the awakening of consciousness to Itself. Eckhart Tolle

Adyashanti tell us that awakening leads to Life without process. Some people have these instantaneous shifts in perception, like Tolle and Adyashanti have had. But  most of us, seeking a state pf presence awareness, this elusive thing called enlightenment,  will spend our days processing Life and struggling with very human and egoic things, catching if we are lucky, only momentary glimpses of what Life could be like on the other side. 

It is all about moving your  base point of identity. Adyashanti

The process of shifting this sense of who we are is different for all of us. How do we do it? Two things Adyashanti shared that may help us with the process are: 

Your real great guide is your capacity and willingness to have great honesty with your self....so that when you do hide, you will catch on to it and you will own it.

For most of us ego is going to stick around for a long time even after we start taking these steps to waking up, even after we start getting glimpses of who we really are.  So we need to be observant and honest with ourselves about that. 

There is also a rhetorical question we can ask as we look about us:

"What is it that is looking through my eyes?" Don't answer it ...just endeavour to sense in to that and feel into that...not define it. "What is the experience of that?  What is that?" 

Some day we may see and realize, as Tolle and Adyashanti have done, that we are the very light of consciousness on which the world appears.

Anyway, all is well!

Adyashanti/ Sounds True: Insights at the Edge ( 2022) Waking Up: What Does It Really Mean? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cArhYkYkfZg&t=3234s

Eckhart Tolle ( May 14, 2023)  20 Minute Meditation: Don't Do Meditation; Just "Be" https://tou.org/talks/