Attention on the Uncomfortable

 Energy flows where attention goes.

Not sure who said that first lol

I was meditating today and was initially distracted by a piece of hair on my cheek and chin...it was tickling me.  My first inclination was to take my hand and brush it away but something stopped me. ...another intention to remain still. I took a deep breath, in hope that focus on my breath would draw my attention ( and the energy) away from my tickling skin.  It didn't.  The tickling turned to a prickling sensation and it seemed all consuming. I could feel my resistance to it in almost every cell of my body. It seemed the more I tried to resist, the worse it got.  You would think by my reaction to it, it was the sharp talons of a lion about to eat me...not a tiny, light piece of hair! I really, really wanted to lift up my hand and brush the hair away from my face. Still that intention to remain still was powerful enough to keep me from doing so.  The tickly, prickly sensation was becoming stronger and stronger. It turned into what I labelled as "pain".  

Instead of leaning away from the sensation, I decided to lean into it.  ...which was easy to do because it was a sensation that was taking over my attention.  I just breathed into it and let go of my resistance...I 'allowed' all my attention to go there.  I had judged it as "unpleasant" from the beginning but when I initially focused all my attention on it...I found myself wanting to judge it as "awful, painful, even excruciatingly uncomfortable."  It was just a piece of hair digging into my skin but it was sooo overwhelming. I watched myself judging and stopped resisting the judgement...took a mental step back and observed how I was mentally reacting to the sensation.  Took another slow, deep breath and let go of the judgement.  It was simply a sensation.  I reminded myself how all things come into our experience and how all things go...as long as we do not cling or attempt to resist.  So I made this feeling the focus of my meditation. I  watched as it increased in intensity.  I took another breath and on the exhale...the sensation's intensity began to diminish. I watched it as it slowly left.  It was the most amazing thing.

Such a silly thing, I suppose, to write about but every time we confront and reduce our tendency to react to external stimuli is really something to celebrate.  This little thing showed me...that it isn't external stimuli that overwhelms us but our mind's reaction to it that does.  If we let go of resistance and lean a little into the uncomfortable experiences of life we will see that they will pass through us without any damage done.  Hmmm! 

I just thought that was cool. 

All is well

Question #5: What happens after we die?

 

It is the unknown we fear when we look upon death and darkness, nothing more.

J.K. Rowling

Death will always remain "the great unknown"...until our time comes.  We need to find some peace, here, in not knowing.

All is well!

Add on on January 24, 2022 after hearing that Thich Nhat Hanh had passed ...came across this video:

Plum Village ( January 22, 2022) What Happens When We Die?/ Clip from a Dharma Talk with Thich Nhat Hanh, 2014, 06,17 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xLbZZAjjY8

Going Deeper

 

The deeper you go, the more likely you will find something of value.

Bruce Mau

Hmmm!  I reread and revisited what I wrote about yesterday and I find myself dipping back into guilt for my perception. Maybe not guilt, so much as a realization of the unwholesome and unskillful nature of such a thought stream.  I see it all as a "wrong view" which, for sure, in many ways it is.  

Why is it wrong view? I am watering the wrong seeds.

Huh?

1. I am failing to remember that the images we have of others are just mirrors into our own internal worlds.  (Hawkins, 2012)What I see in this individual, I see in myself.  The part of the unconsciousness I notice in him, is the unconsciousness that still lingers in me. It represents a part of me I don't like and don't want up in my conscious mind. So as it is triggered,  I am projecting it outward,  to some degree,  onto this individual. I judge his unconsciousness so I do not have to admit to  my own.  I judge his habit mind directed greed and selfishness so I don't have to admit to my own. I too can be unconscious.  I too can do what I can to have my ego needs met, sometimes at the expense of others.  I still get pulled down again and again by habit energy.  Habit energy is so strong in me. I can only imagine how powerful it is  for individuals operating from "addict mind".  Though, like I said, there is some legitimate  reason for and history to my fear, could it be that the fear of his energy is actually a fear of my own, projected outward?

2. My view is not "deep" enough. I am still stuck focusing  on the horizontal line of the superficial world, on superficial issues.  My relationship with him, my living arrangements, my sense of "personal" safety is a superficial issue.  I am not following the vertical line, the spiritual line  down to the roots ...to the "ultimate concerns" ( Br. Phap Dung, 2017) to see the ultimate meaning in it. If my major focus remained on becoming solid, stable and as steady as a mountain; as fresh, joyful and as flowering as a flower;  as clear minded as a still lake or as light, free and empty/detached as space...I would not be watering the seeds of fear, distrust, anger or resentment on the superficial plane, would I be? (see video below). His level of unconsciousness would not effect me.  It is my attention on it that waters these seeds. He would still be a recovering addict with unconscious energy patterns but I would find it easier to handle his behaviors and his choices.  I would not be so impacted by them. I would choose, instead,  to water the seeds of  loving kindness and compassion toward him...which I do. The weeds of anger, resentment, fear, and distrust, however,  keep getting watered too and these weeds are overtaking my mind's garden. 

3. Though I outwardly practice kindness and compassion toward him.  My inner experience  has been tainted by thoughts, feelings and sometimes speech that is contrary to my goals. As long as I am focusing on his unconscious energy, I am failing to heal from my own. To heal and deepen my practice I need to take my eyes off of others and turn them inward.  I need to look deep into my own wounds that are triggered and poked at when I am around this energy, my own habits and my own views. I need to go deeper.

Say What Crazy Lady? 

What does this all translate into on the superficial plane of existence? Do I deny what my gut is telling me? No. Do I bend over backwards to feed his ego needs? Definitely not. Do I deny my own needs, like the fact  I need some physical space here to heal my wounds? No...I need to create a certain physical space between us, for now. Does it mean I believe him and  others that  "he is all better" when he has yet to complete a rehab program or go to a meeting or stop using substances. Definitely not.  Does that mean that I trust his unconscious energy ? No

What it  means is that I trust the practice to heal me so I can give him, myself and the world what is truly needed...not what ego says it needs. What is needed is a solid, joyful, clear minded and "detached" me. I am obviously not there yet but that is okay...from here I can begin. He is not where he can be yet either...that is okay...from here we can begin. 

To heal this relationship, I need to accept him right where he is at this stage of his evolution and love him from there. To cultivate the seeds of loving kindness and compassion, I need to stop watering the seeds that come from this idea that "He should be different than he is, I should be different than I am right now, and our relationship should be different than it is."  It is what it is. 

I also need to, instead of focusing on the physical consequences of his unconsciousness in the past, present and the potential future,  look for the goodness and innocence that is within him as it is within us all. I can look for and point out all the  steps he has taken toward recovery and they were huge, all the wonderful things he is ( and there is a lot he is...bright; he has demonstrated compassion toward animals and others in need on many occasions, he  loves his Dad, he can be very  polite and outwardly appreciative etc)  

I can do the same for myself. Instead of beating myself up with my guilt for my less than fully evolved nature and reaction to his unconsciousness, I can accept that this is where I am at in my going deeper...I can love and accept myself from here.  I can be compassionate with my need to heal from wounds, my need for space, my own unconsciousness and reactivity. 

Hmmm! It all begins with accepting where we are right here, right now. This is where we are and we will only get to a better place from here. 

All is well! 

David R. Hawkins ( 2012). Letting Go: A Pathway of Surrender. New York: Hay House ( Kindle Edition) 

Plum Village/ Brother Phap Dung (August, 2017) Heal the Wounds and  Transform our Habits. Wake Up Earth Retreat https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ek3xkieaZg0

Safety in Unconsciousness

 When we can trust Self we can trust others....Trust is internal

Br. Phap Dung

I found myself swept away again on a written thought stream.  My reactions to what I perceive as "the unconsciousness"of  others,  being the topic of choice.  (And it is a choice...even though it doesn't seem like it.  We can choose what we think about.)  

When I allow it to...this mental story carries me away every time from my committed  practice of  finding safety, solidity and  refuge within the Self. This story telling and building is a reaction I tend to have when I am triggered to remember the unconsciousness in  another.  I react to awareness of this unconsciousness with fear and aversion....with a strong desire to create space between me and it. I do not trust this unconsciousness and that means I do not trust my ability to cope with it and find that place of safety, solidity and refuge when it is around me.  I don't think I can handle it.  I don't feel safe. I also feel guilty for allowing my need for external and internal safety to force me into decisions that others do not agree with. 

There are a hundred legitimate reasons why I don't feet safe.  Many things have happened in the past (directly derived from the unconsciousness of this individual as well as the unconsciousness of others) that have left deep scars in me, making trusting challenging. My form, my property and my my mind were at risk before for harm and injury as were the forms, properties and minds of others. I do not want to cling to this past because it is just that.. past...and not necessarily  the reality of my experience here and now.  I would like to say and see that the individual involved has changed...has evolved from a lower level of consciousness to a higher one, making these risks less likely to manifest.  And he has...tremendously so...but has he evolved to the point he and and others are telling me he has?  Has he evolved to the point where his intentions are for the higher good and can be trusted? My gut tells me no.. My gut tells me he is still being pulled into this unconsciousness and maybe his intention to rise higher is not as valid as we had all hoped....for whatever reason.  I can still feel compassion for him and where he is right now. 

I see superficial steps toward recovery, I do, and they are huge.  Maybe that is how we all start right...at the most outer layer and work our way down?   Though I celebrate these achievements,  I see it only as a fragile beginning....a very rocky, and unstable beginning.  I have yet to see the willingness to take those  hard steps toward true recovery.. I still see his primary motivation as narcissistic fulfillment and immediate gratification of "ego" needs.  Though I want to support and help him in recovery, as much as another person can, I personally find it hard to "sacrifice" more than I have already to feed some one else's ego. That's what I feel like I have been doing. Ego grows so big when we feed it...to the point it gets so angry when we don't.  That is another reason I don't feel safe. I stopped feeding it. 

The thing, I have to remember, is that I am the reason I don't feel safe...not this person's level of unconsciousness. My fear, my aversion and my resistance are mine...coming form me.  I am responsible for those. If I continually practice finding the safe, solid refuge of Self within me...it won't matter what type of consciousness I am facing in another.  I will be able to feel safe around the unconsciousness of anyone. Hmm!

For now...until he and I get our  bearings straight...I will make some  space between "my person" and his unconscious energies. I will continue to  seek the innocence beneath the ego directed mind and remind myself again and again,  that all but for the grace of God go I. 

All is well.

Plum Village ( January, 2018) Brother Phap Dung &  Breathe, Remember, Return. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIjxJ9TONGU

Reacting ...Again

Stress is determined by our belief systems and their associated emotional pressures. It is not the external stimulus, then, that is the cause of stress, but our degree of reactivity.

David R. Hawkins

A Trigger

I felt the sting of ego this morning as I sat at the table with D. for our Sunday morning coffee/tea and excitedly asked , "Do you want to see the video I put up yesterday?" 

The Reaction to External Stimuli

When he put aside his people pleasing tendency and his usual desire to accommodate me and said "No.  Not right now,"  I felt that all too familiar sting of rejection brewing in my gut and the flush of shame reddening my face. Thoughts came pouring into my conscious mind, "He doesn't like your videos or your blog...he is only listening and reading out of obligation to please you. He doesn't appreciate or understand where you are at now on your journey.  Who could? He is just saying he does to avoid conflict.  If he, this guy that is always trying to please you, openly admits that he  does not want to see your videos, who else would?  " 

I went quickly from a reaction of self degradation, shame  and doubt to one of anger, blame and wanting to make guilty.  "Hmmm!  How dare he tell me he is where I am at when he obviously isn't.  We are on two different planets. He doesn't get me.  I don't want him near "my stuff" pretending to appreciate it when he obviously doesn't appreciate me or it."  

I turned to him, with a pouty lip, and the sting of rejection still staining my cheeks... said, "You never have to listen to my videos or read my blogs.  I can see you are not interested in what I am doing. I would appreciate from now on, that you don't pretend to be. " 

He of course defended himself by saying, "I do want to listen...just not right now.  I just got up."

I nodded my head and pushed  my video displaying phone ( together with parts of my shadow self that were so coming out of the box I had them  stuffed in), out of his sight.

Stress results from the accumulated pressure of our repressed and suppressed feelings. The pressure seeks relief, and so the external events only trigger what we have been holding down, both consciously and unconsciously.

Wrapping it in Awareness

I was aware though, of what was going on inside me...I could feel the very low level emotions coming out of their hiding place: the sting of rejection, the shame, the sense of failure, the doubt in myself.  I could hear these inner voices echoing years of stuffed core beliefs.  There were the newer voices: "You know any validation you got from D. in the past, was just given to please you.  It wasn't sincere. You could tell him you wanted to start a new project of  making skin coats out of the neighbors' bodies and he would smile and say, "Really?  That's nice.  Let me know how I can help." He actually thinks it is all ridiculous. And he is right. Imagine trying to express your learning in the way you do...who does that?? Why are you exposing yourself so embarrassingly ?  Can't you see how ridiculous it all is...how ridiculous you are?"

 With these newer voices, up came the older, more deeply stuffed ones: "No one will ever truly understand you or appreciate you or what you feel compelled to do.  You are strange. No one really wants to hear what you have to say. You are not worthy of an audience.  " 

It was really noisy and nasty  in my head for a few minutes, let me tell ya.

Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it.  It means simply to let the feeling be there and to focus on letting out the energy behind it....Let go of wanting to resist the feeling. It is resistance that keeps the feeling going. ...

Moving Up and Feeling Lighter

I was, however,  so aware of what was going on inside me as it was going on. I was aware when those lower emotions started moving up to a slightly higher level emotion.  I could feel the shame turning to anger and resentment.  The fear and doubt I was feeling turning to blame and the blame to a desire to make guilty. I was aware that I climbed up some invisible ladder from a rung where I was cringing with shame for even asking him, to one where  I wanted him to feel guilty for not wanting to watch my video. I had reached the rung where I wanted him to pay through his own guilt and shame.  I was also aware of how these upper ladder feelings, though far from the feelings I assumed an enlightened person would feel, felt better than the feeling of rejection, shame, unworthiness etc. I could see, on quick reflection, how  I was moving up some emotional ladder.

When you give up resisting or trying to modify the feeling, it will shift to the next feeling and be accompanied by a lighter sensation. 

As I creeped and crawled up,  I eventually became aware of acceptance.  I was seeing what was happening and realized the silliness of it all...For a moment  after that realization, I slipped back down the ladder into guilt then shame for what I was thinking, feeling and experiencing, but thanks to my practice was able, without too much  effort, to crawl back up to acceptance. I neutrally recognized, from there,  the reactivity of my mind and how one simple little statement from another: "No. Not right now."  triggered the stuff inside me.  Like a pin used to pick a lock, it caused the door of the Pandora's  box where my shadow self lay hidden, to spring open. All this stuff I didn't want others to see, all this stuff I didn't want to see in me, came up to my consciousness in a matter of milliseconds. I reacted like a human being overly conditioned to react. The trick was in not resisting my reaction.

A feeling that is not resisted will disappear as the energy behind it dissipates.

Hmmm! With that realization, I got up walked away and came back to the table with a smile on my face.  I still felt a bit of discomfort and pain...but all that I experienced was now wrapped in a soft blanket of mindfulness and self-compassion. So when D. asked to see the video  ( probably because my reaction did what the ego wanted it to do...triggered him  to feel guilty...) and within seconds I could see him drifting off and unable to focus...I did not react.  I responded kindly and said "It is okay.  I see you were not into that and it is okay."  

His reaction to the video was okay...it was what it was.  More importantly, my reaction to his reaction was okay too.  It was simply a result of years of programming and conditioning, years of stuffed and stored pain and memory, years of habit. I can't beat myself up for that, can I?

Moving Away From Habit Energy

Getting to the point where we become aware of our habit energies when they are emerging is such a giant step forward in our healing process. Recognizing and seeing the thoughts, beliefs and emotional energies that we have trapped inside us...shows us that they are no longer trapped.  They are no longer hidden away.  They are no longer stuck. They are freed from the box they were hidden in and are now making their way up, through and eventually out. 

Isn't that amazing?  We can heal from our tendency to react negatively to stimuli that once had the power to trigger us by simply being aware.  We need to be aware of our tendency toward reactivity as human beings. We need to be aware  that within us are a host of suppressed, repressed, dejected, hidden, denied, and feared emotional energies waiting to be released.  We need to be aware of our tendency to hold the lid of that box down over these "unwanted" experiences and all the energy it requires from our life  to do that.  We need to be aware how external stimuli in the form of circumstances, thoughts, things other people say or do effects us, how it "pokes our stuff" .  It can cause us to squish down those emotional energies and close up even more. Or it can be the key that opens up the lid so these emotional energies can be released.  Be aware that it will be much better for Self and the world to have them released. Without them in us, we will be lighter and freer.   There will be nothing left  to get triggered .would there be? Therefore there would be no more reactivity. We will have more energy for Life. 

Every strong emotion is really a composite of a number of subsidiary emotions and the total emotional complex can be disassembled.

We can disassemble those emotional blocks within us through awareness and letting go our resistance.

All is well!

David R. Hawkins (2012) Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender. New York: Hay House (Kindle Edition)

Question # 4: Why is there suffering in the world?

 

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.

Friedrich Nietzsche

All is well!

Claiming the Shadows

 Whereas our  higher, greater  Self is like the sun, all the negative thoughts, doubts, fears, anger, and resentments that we hold dim the light of the sun and, finally, the light comes through only weakly.

David R. Hawkins

Do You  Want to Shine Brightly or Weakly?

My goal is to have this light of a greater Self shine through. I am assuming you are wanting the same for yourself. 

I believe, as you can probably tell, in being honest with myself and honest with the world around me.  I do not wish to hide what I think and feel anymore.  To me, that need to hide our private thoughts and feelings, is one of the things that keep us stuck in this mind set of separation, the "me" against "them" struggle. 

Besides, "I' do not,  really, have any "private, personal' thoughts, do I?  When you read what I write do you not sense a connection (even if that connection is in the form of a repulsion, a judgement, a blaming)because you realize the feelings and thoughts I express are also in you?  I mean, the situations differ, the triggers differ, the degree and variety might differ somewhat, but we all have "guilt" don't we?  We all have "resentments ", "anger", "blame"?  We all have "fear, worry and anxiety" from time to time?  We all have "sadness", " negativity" and even "despair" at times...do we not? I relay what I write because I want to learn more about what makes us human and I want to heal from a suffering I know extends beyond this little clump of flesh and mind I call me. 

There is what Carl Jung referred to as a shadow self buried within all of us. Most of us are terrified of ever touching that part...fearing that if we opened up that Pandora's box we and the world around us would become overwhelmed by the "monsters" inside. So we keep the lid down, holding with all our might, using up so much energy that could be better used enjoying Life to avoid, deny, suppress, repress, project outward  and hide the contents of our shadow self from self and others. This shadow self and our need to keep it contained runs our Life. It prevents our inner light from shining through. Sigh!

We cannot heal from suffering until we open and release what is inside us. We really can't.  We can't be whole human beings until we acknowledge and accept those parts of us as parts of us.  As terrifying  as it is to venture into this dark and uncharted territory...it is something we must do if we want to heal. 

He [Carl Jung] said that the self cannot become healed and whole unless we look at and acknowledge the shadow. This means that buried within us all, in what Jung called the "collective unconscious", is everything that we most dislike admitting about ourselves.  The average human, he said, would much rather project his shadow onto the world and condemn it and see it as evil, thinking that his problem is to battle with evil in the world.  In actuality, the  problem is merely to acknowledge the presence of such thoughts and impulses in ourselves.  By acknowledging them, they become quiet.  Once they are quiet they no longer consciously run us. 

This is what true liberation is all about.

You do not have to do what I do here and spill your guts all over the page but I do suggest, if I am in any position to suggest anything, that you at least become willing to look inside for the sake of your own healing, and the world's healing.  As Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, The only way out is in.

All is well in my world! 

David R. Hawkins (2012) Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender. New York: Hay House (Kindle Edition)

Learning From Guilt.

 Being freed from guilt brings about a renewal of Life energy.

David R. Hawkins 

Oh!  I just went off on a written thought tangent in my journal.  I began to worry about someone who recently moved out when I started putting pieces of information together that suggests that he might not be doing as well as I had hoped...and boom...the story just took off like a snowball down a hill. It...the small amount of information I received ...triggered and poked at so many things stuffed within me, digging through so many layers of both  recent and long ago stored thought, feeling and emotion that could be directly connected to him and also that which had nothing to do with him. I felt a rumbling within me. So much wanted to be released. 

 As these things started to come up to the surface, however, my habitual mind, so conditioned, to keep them down jumped up to hold  the lid  down over the boiling and steaming pot I call "little me".  Man...it happens so fast. This individual in my life and the energy that surrounds him is constantly triggering this reaction in me and I am constantly trying to keep it all in, with the hope of keeping an outwardly acceptable exterior. My insides are anything but calm. 

I sat down to write in a devotional journal with the motivation to gratefully express what life has given me when the tangent started.  I found myself, in my mind while my fingers were un-moving on the keys, having conversations with others,  rationalizing, defending, explaining and expressing not only my concerns for this individual but mostly why I, from the beginning, was saying that he needs to move on.  That what I offered here was not good for him or for me. I was rationalizing the decision I was strongly encouraging since this time last year.

Guilt

Why do we rationalize?  To appease our sense of guilt. 

What is guilt? According to David Hawkins, in Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender, guilt is a form of fear always associated with a feeling of wrongness and potential punishment. 

I fear my very strong encouragement for this individual  to step out and take more responsibility for his own life may have pushed him backwards.  I am and have been feeling guilty from the onset of our journey together.  Feeling guilty that I was not helping enough at the expense of his well being, or helping too much at the expense of my own (that expense entailing my home, my own need for recovery, my relationship with significant others, my peace of mind that his being here greatly impacted). 

I had these deep intuitive knowings that what I was picking up was so different from what others were picking up.  I could see things others couldn't but my attempts at expressing what I seen or "knew" at some deep bodily level, were often thwarted.  So I tried to limit what I was perceiving by denying, suppressing and repressing  this internal knowing and its associated feelings/emotions, to the level of what others were seeing.  I tried to operate from there.  If he or they said he was doing good...he was doing good.  If he or they said there was no passive-aggression or risks there, there were none.  If he or  they said that I was making too much of things, I was making too much of things. If he or they said he was "the best patient they had" or the "model of recovery" ...he was. 

Therefore, when these thoughts  or these intuitive feelings came up  or even when there was blatant evidence or  confessions that supported my gut feelings...I would automatically feel guilty and blame myself for deviating from the collective schemata.  "I was wrong for seeing what I was seeing.  I was judging and perceiving unfairly.  What was wrong with me for doing that?  How unkind, I am. I better try harder and stop being so selfish.  Wasn't I suppose to be dedicating the remainder of my life to serving those in need? Bad "me"!  Bad "me"! Bad "me" ! " " Poor him!  Poor him! 
Poor him!" 

After these guilt attacks...I attempted to sublimate  the guilt by overcompensating and doing more for him which  led me to  enable that unhealthy part of him and exhaust myself. 

All the time I was doing this, so much of my energy was spent denying, suppressing and repressing feelings of fear, anger, and resentment.  It became easier to beat myself up with guilt, overcompensation  and sublimation than to simply say, "I don't have a good feeling about this and I don't want it around me anymore.  I am not helping him in a way he needs to be helped and I am certainly not helping myself. "

I allowed myself the guilt.

The Truth About Guilt

To make wrong and to make guilty is really a form of cruelty, is it not?

Does my guilty conscious benefit anyone? Guilt is the most useless emotion there is.  It really serves no purpose other than to tear us down. It is cruel.  It is a product of fear, a product of ego. It is absolute garbage.

Guilt is really self condemnation and self-invalidation of our worth and value as a human being. 

Through my own conditioning, I  have come to believe that I am not worthy of as much consideration and care as others. That my needs are not as valid as the others. If I attempted, in the past, to assert my rights and have my needs met, I was often shamed.  So now I am stuffed to the brim with this garbage of guilt and shame and it gets triggered by my dealings with this individual.  I have an over exaggerated sense of responsibility even though I know  his life and the decisions he makes are his responsibility.  I didn't break it and I can't fix it.  

I have lived a life surrounded by addiction and lovely individuals who have been swept away by it.  I have approached each of the individuals in different ways, gradually  learning the hard way, again and again, that "I didn't break it so I can't fix it."  Yet the memories of all this, all the voices that told me what I should be doing and should not be doing in regards to this and all the associated pain are still stuck in me and when I see it in the addict mind and action of yet another , it triggers me, again and again.  I feel that my stuff is being poked. 

In order to truly heal I need to let go of my fear ridden guilt. I need to let all those stuffed feelings come up without all the story I attach to it. I need to realize that I don't have to beat myself up for wanting not to take care of another to the point of enabling. That it is okay to take care of myself. I need to remove the garbage that has been programmed into me so I can see my own goodness and innocence. We are all inherently innocent and do not have to stay buried beneath this garbage. 

What went into our memory banks was garbage, and when we see this, we will have much less fear. We will enjoy starting to let the feelings come up, seeing them for what they are, clearing out all of the garbage, and letting it all go. Once we have looked deep within ourselves and found that innate inner innocence, we will stop hating ourselves. 

We do not need to live motivated by guilt and our fear.  We can instead recognize the innocence in self and the innocence in all despite what they or we  might do. We can base our motivation to speak, think or act on the power of Love.  That would be much more sustaining , wouldn't it be? 

All is well

David R. Hawkins (2012) Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender. New York: Hay House. Kindle edition

Question # 3: What are we most afraid of?

No one is afraid of them[illusions] when he perceives he made them up. The fear was held in place because he did not see that he was author of the dream, and not a figure in the dream.

ACIM :Chapter 28:II:7:3-4

Nothing real can be threatened.

Nothing unreal exists.

Herein lies the peace of God.

ACIM Introduction

We just need to wake up from our dream of fear.

 All is well!

Replacing Habits in the New Year

Replacing just a few key negative habits with a few positive habits can be the difference between being mostly unhappy and being happy almost all of the time. 

Tynan

 It is a New Year in our man made tradition of calendars, clocks and schedules.  According to Brother Phap dung of Plum Village, it is also a time to examine our habits, to look deeply into them to determine if they are skillful or not skillful.  We have a lot of unskillful habits, don't we? 

Habit of Over -Thinking

Some of our habits include what he refers to as NST or non-stop thinking. When is the last time, you were aware that you were not thinking?

Habit of Doing and Being Busy

Our habit list also includes our busy doing.  Most of us have been conditioned to be busy...in a world where efficiency, or at least the appearance of it, is so very important.  We have been trained to rush, to do more than one activity at a time, and to keep moving. I doubt if any of us know exactly what direction we are moving in and for what purpose but like fish in a frantic school we keep flapping our fins, caught in the momentum of busyness. 

Habit of Reacting

We also have a habit of reacting to what happens around us.  When an external stimuli enters our sense perception we automatically slip into reactivity...judging if it is good or bad, right or wrong, should be or shouldn't be.  We react by reaching out to grasp and cling to the things we judge as right, wrong and should be and by pushing  away the "bad, wrong and shouldn't be." Br Phap Dung suggest a possible meditation to help reduce reactivity.  It would involve having a group sit around a perfectly clean table with a glass of orange juice in the center. While the group is sitting and concentrating  on that orange juice, he suggests having someone tip the orange juice unexpectedly over.  Most of are conditioned to perceive and judge the spilling of the orange juice as something, "bad, wrong, shouldn't be" and would react with a pile of unpleasant and uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, words or even actions.  Would we not?  As it is spilling and making a mess all over the clean table...the meditative goal would be to not react or even maybe react in a positive way with, "Oh wow cool!  Look at the flower formation the orange juice is making."  This may help to break our habit of reactivity.

Habit of Scheduling and To-Do-Lists

Another habit, most of us are so conditioned to make a part of our lives is our our addiction to routines, schedules, calendars and clocks. In a productivity programmed culture, the "to-do-list" is oh so important for most of us.  We have a tendency to feel pretty smug when we accomplish all those things on our lists and we also tend to beat ourselves up when we don't. We have to remember that the expectations of the "to-do-list" are man made, as is the clock and the calendar.  As is time actually. Observe nature and her rhythms...she doesn't go by a clock or a calendar and she certainly doesn't drag a to-do-list behind her does she.  If we could mimic her...which we are actually a part of and are meant to do...using light, sun and moon, and change of season to move us, rather than be  dependent  on  a hundred scribbles on a piece of paper or a big red circle on some calendar page...then we would be much healthier. Wouldn't we?

Electronic Habit

Another habit our culture has developed is our addiction to electronics.  When is the last time you left home without your phone and how panicky did you get when you realized you did? We will not perish without our phones but we have developed an attachment to them as if they were our life lines?  They are not our life lines.  In fact, they get in the way of Life.  It has become much easier to text someone a little heart or happy face than it has to embrace them with a hug or a genuine- in -your -face smile.  We are, after all, too busy for all that face to face stuff, aren't we?  Busy doing what?  Swimming around in a school of fish that are just going in circles?  How has that become more important than human connection? Our phones and electronic gadgets are just another way of keeping us swimming rather than living in the moment. You get that right?

The Need For Story

We are also very habituated to the need for story. Our personal stories and our collective stories are how we identify ourselves to and with the other fish we are swimming round with.  These ideas of where we came from, and who we are by the bodies we are in, the roles we play, what we own or don't own, our beliefs and ideologies  etc.  Come on...it is all just story...more thought to add to already overloaded minds.

Breaking Free of Our Habits

Our habits take us away from connection to the bodies we are in, to the moment. Do you think that maybe 2022 would be as good of a "calendar time" as any to start dismantling our habitual tendencies...just a bit even? 

Maybe we could begin observing our minds to determine just how busy they are.  Maybe we could start focusing on the pauses between thoughts and make extending those pauses our goal. 

Maybe we could practice slowing down, just a bit. Observe first, how you and the rest of the world are moving...then make a commitment to catch yourself "rushing" and when you do ...slow down.  Become mindful of each step hitting the earth, each foot being lifted into the air before the next step. Become mindful how you brush your teeth, wash the dishes or open a door.  Slow down enough to notice the movement of the body and the breath.  The breath is a great way to bring us back into the body and into the moment. So is a yoga practice. 

Let's stop doing for just short periods of the day.  Let's see what stillness and quiet feels like.  Let's try meditating.  What can it hurt? 

What if we were more mindful of how we reacted to external events, how we judged, how we grasped and how we pushed away? What if we began to practice non -reactivity in little ways with little things like spills?

We could put away our to-do-lists on some days couldn't we?  Sure we have to plan at times  but do we have to plan and organize every single moment of our day?  Do we need to heap so many expectations into them?  Lets just limit, at least, how many things we plan and put on our lists.  Let's be kinder to ourselves by giving some space to just be. 

Have you tried disconnecting from your phone for a day?  That is a challenge I offer you.  Put it in a cupboard and leave it there for one day.  I guarantee it will not kill you. And then knock on the door of the person you usually text ( COVID restrictions considered) and give them a smile or a hug in person! 

Then maybe we could let go of our stories a bit...go beneath them and their discriminating borders and see that who we really are has no need for story or separation.  It has no need to swim in circles either. It just is.

Anyway, a long ramble.Thanks Brother Phap Dung for your insight.  Here is hoping everyone's 2022 is one where we break free of at least some of our habits!

All is well. . 

Plum Village/Brother Phap Dung (December 31, 2017)  New Year's Eve Talk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6P-NrCNUSJU (not sure if this is the  link to the same video?) 

Suffering: The First Step Down the Path

 When you suffer you go deep.

Br Phap Dung

You can guide yourself in the right direction, but you are not in control of Life.

Eckhart Tolle

I heard these words from two teachers in bodily form today as I was doing my usual morning ritual. I found that both quotes are connected.

The first quote, in reference to a discussion on the Four Noble Truths, speaks to the idea that yes, there is suffering and there is a cause for suffering.  We need to go deep to understand what that root cause is which has a lot to do with our tendency  to want to control, grasp, cling, or push away aspects of the outside world in order to create conditions that please us internally. We look to the superficial plane of our existence as both the cause of our suffering and the solution for suffering.  It is neither.  What Life offers us, be it pleasant or be it unpleasant, is not the source of suffering.  Our reaction to it is.  

When we have the experience of suffering we are given the opportunity to look deeply into our minds and our experiences to determine if we re reacting or responding...to go deeper...to the roots of it all. . How do we view the external event?  What do we think about it? How do we speak about it?  What actions to we take in reaction to it?  How are we choosing to live or make a living? Are our efforts wise, wholesome and committed  enough to steer us inward in a healthy response to external stimuli or are they unskillful enough to keep us stuck in the superficial world of form?  Are we mindful and concentrating on  the healthy seeds in our store consciousness? Or are we unconscious, mindlessly watering those reactive emotions that cause suffering?

The way out of suffering is always in.

In the second quote we are reminded that we all have the ability to take the right path ( in this case maybe...the noble eight fold path)  but that doesn't mean that we can control Life.  Life is going to keep giving us challenges and pain.  The path just offers us a peaceful way to get through all the natural chaos, the loss, the temporal nature of satisfaction, the grief, the pain  that is as much a part of Life as the joy. It teaches us how to respond and bend like the high grass in the wind rather than to react or resist which causes our sense of suffering.. 

Awareness of our suffering can be the first step down this path of liberation from it. 

Hmmm! All is well in my world. 

Brother Phap Dung/ Plum Village (July, 2017) Manual For Living. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Loi-R0drg-0

Eckhart Tolle/ Conscious Awareness ( December 28, 2021) Acknowledging the Good and Being the Light of the World.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=drlbmknhasg

No Poverty Inside

 No amount of riches can compensate for an inner state of poverty.

David R. Hawkins

Reading yet another book related to my present learning/teaching (see below).  You do know that it is "me" I am attempting to teach, right?  I hope I make that clear.  But by teaching "me", I feel compelled to share my learning with all who are ready for it...because we are all one big clump of Life in apparently separate forms. Making a difference in the world begins with making a difference in me.

Anyway, I digress.  What the quote above is alluding to is that many of us, who feel this inner poverty...this sense that something is missing- and who go about the material world searching for it  in order to fill that hole- will reach a realization  eventually  that nothing "out there" will end that sense of poverty experienced within.  This sense of poverty we experience is simply a mental disconnect from who we are and the True Source of all Life, all that is important. When we reconnect to that Truth...we are rich beyond belief, in the truest sense of the word.

We need to go in not out  and when we do that we find that we were never poor...The greatest riches are within us in the form of all the conditions we need for happiness.  Hmm!

All is well.

David R. Hawkins (2012) Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender. New York: Hay House (Kindle Edition)

Question #2: What makes a spiritual teacher?

 To know the truth you need not undergo all this torture of learning.

Not by reading, do you get the Truth.

Be quiet, that is Truth.

Be still, that is God. 

Ramana Mahrashi

All is well. 

Happy New Year

 Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come whispering, "It will be happier."

Lord Alfred Tennyson

Happy New Year! Here is hoping that everything worrisome from the past few years settles down into a peaceful simmer in 2022.  May your heart be light and may it spread light to all the darkened corners of the world.

All is well.

Question #1: How do we obtain true peace?

 What you are looking for is not out there, it is in you.

 70,000 readers registered on my stats page at this moment.  Not sure what it means, if anything...but such a perfect round number, isn't it? 70,000.

New Learning/Teaching Exercise Intention

 

Words transform. Speak only with a good purpose. Say only things that serve you and others. Choose your words wisely.

Robert Allen

I am going to begin something new.  I am going to attempt to answer a very challenging "spiritual" or "persona;l" question ( they are one and the same, I suppose) in a ten minute time frame, maybe once or twice a week. I gathered a series of questions from others and I have also come up with some deep questions of my own.  I put all these questions in an envelope and I will, on video, pull one question out and answer it ...impromptu style...in a ten minute time frame.  

I remembered this exercise from my Toast Master days.  Back then we were given a minute and a half, I believe, to answer a question or to speak about something without preparation.  It was a pretty intense exercise but very helpful in building thinking and speaking off the cuff skills. 

Why do I want to do it here?

 I guess, I want to build on my ability to tap into the wise part of me ( that part  we all possess within us) that lays beyond the ego.  I want to learn to speak, teach and advance my learning from there.  I have learned so much over the last few years in regards to my awakening and I want to share it....without ego getting in the way.  I figure what comes off the cuff...is how I authentically assimilated that learning.  So being aware of it will help me to gauge and measure my learning, as well as possibly helping others.  

I cannot stress enough that I am no expert, no spiritual guru or teacher even.  I am just learning.  I just happen to believe that we learn through teaching, and we teach as we learn. Whatever answers I may give during this exercise must be taken with a grain of salt.  Just listen and look within yourself as you do... see how the answer feels for you...if it resonates a certain truth you are already aware of...investigate further with other resources and with the "experts".  K? 

These answers will be far from perfect.  Being that I have set my camera to shut off after ten minutes, they may end abruptly. I just want whatever comes through to be authentic and real. 

All is well!

Sukha at Christmas

 Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. It solely relies on what you think.

The Buddha

It is so beautiful out there...in the part of the world this clump of flesh and busy mind I call "me"  is on. There is a fresh covering of pristine white snow over everything.  The landscape offers  the perfect Christmas card, expressing "Peace on Earth" . That is a fitting reflection since this time of the season is where I tend to find what I was looking for in the holiday...when it is near its end lol.  Ironic eh? Everything just seems to be perfect as it is right now...no need to change anything. What is is good enough.  This feeling experience is what, in Sanskrit, would be called Sukha. 

Sukha

Sukha, of course, is related to and, at the same time, the "opposite" of Dukkha.  In simple terms...(as long as we do not get stuck on the terms, concepts, language choices)...Sukha or happiness is simply the absence of Dukkha or suffering.  Dukkha is the absence of Sukha.  They are interrelated in the sense ...we cannot even begin to understand or experience happiness unless we understand and experience suffering. Just like we cannot understand or experience darkness unless we understand and experience of light.  Darkness is simply the absence of light. Suffering is simply the absence of happiness and happiness is simply the absence of suffering. 

The Unconditioned

I listened to another lovely dharma talk today ( see it listed below) and these words resonated in me:

Touching happiness means touching the unconditioned. 

After hearing those words, I immediately found myself going back to Joseph Goldstein's, Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening

When the Buddha speaks of the end of dukkha, he is not simply talking about being in a good mood. The radical, uncompromising freedom of Nibbana [Nirvana/End of suffering] is not dependent on conditions being favorable; it is not dependent on conditions at all. page 315

Three Cravings that Take Us From Sukha

The dharma teacher in the below video did say that there were three types of cravings responsible for our sense of suffering.  We have a tendency as human beings to look for happiness in our sense pleasures, in becoming a certain someone, and in not becoming a certain someone.  Yet, as long as that is our goal, we will not find the sukha we are looking for and without sukha we have suffering.  

During this season, I often find myself  going back and forth between the experience of happiness and the experience of suffering. I am still dependent on conditions to bring me peace and I have a craving to please my five senses, to be a "good"  person and refrain from being a "real" person who is imperfect in their evolution away from attachment and aversion....I do not want to be a person who is still "suffering" at a time of year they believe they should not be suffering in. ( How many thousands of people are like that, I wonder?) . 

We look to bring pleasure in through our five senses and when we do not succeed at doing so...we suffer. Christmas represents and fosters a certain type of expectation on conditions. We look to Christmas to bring us pleasurable sensations through what we see (lights, decorations, landscapes), hear ( Christmas carols, laughter, warm wishes etc), taste ( all the food we tend to over consume), smell ( Christmas trees, turkey coking etc) and feel ( hugs, warmth of a fire, "Jack Frost nipping at your nose" lol)  

No Conditions

Yet, true happiness is not dependent on conditions being favorable. It is not dependent on conditions at all. 

Without expectations or attachment to these conditions...be they related to Christmas or any other time of the year...we all have what is needed for Sukha within us. Conditions will be what they are in Life...sometimes they will be favorable and sometimes they won't be.  Sometimes they will be wrapped in darkness and sometimes in light.  True happiness is being able to sit with it all, embrace it all and even smile through it all.

So the scenery I see now, though very favorable, is not why I feel peace.  Christmas is not why I feel peace and happiness. I feel peace and happiness becasue I know there is a way through suffering that has nothing to do with the conditions that surround me. That is Sukha!

All is well.

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True

Deer Park Monastery (August, 2021) (Class # 17) The Third Noble Truth Can be Called the Truth of Happiness https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TfFvGsmMcKU

A Little Christmas Miracle

 

Do not be willing to let anything that happens in life be important enough to close your heart over.

Michael Singer

Awe!  What a lovely day.  I feel so completely blessed right now.  I had all my children and their children under one roof last night and it was just soooo nice!  I sat on the couch with all three grandchildren at one time and thought to myself: How does it get any better than this? My heart was opened...way, way open and all the other less than positive feelings I had been watering...the kind that closes hearts ...were pushed aside by these positive feelings of peace, joy, love and abundance. 

The Closing of a Heart Grinch Size

Since Christmas,  I found myself stewing a bit in resentment and frustration ...looking to place responsibility for that onto others, building story, clinging...just so I could rationalize the watering of  these feelings. I was thinking about the money I spent, and the money spent on me on gifts that seemed way too extravagant and unnecessary....so much so I could not appreciate them...at all. I couldn't even pick them up to have a good look at them. I was thinking about how challenging it is for me to get all my children together at the same time. I had purposefully planned to cook on boxing day as to not interfere with the plans of others to go to other places on Christmas.  I was informed some would not make it.  I was just left with a sickening feeling and it triggered some suppressed and repressed emotions...some knots...some samskaras... and all this stuff started to seep out of me .  My heart was closing . I was not nice to be around. I watched it all go down.

The Opening of a Heart Cindy Lou Size

At some point, I said enough is enough. I am going to transform these difficult emotions into something peaceful.  To begin the transformation, I laid myself down yesterday and did a Yoga Nidra practice. I could feel my body letting go and releasing some of this stuff.  It was lovely.  I then  got up from that, put away my expectations and my attachments to this idea of Christmas and how others should be in it.  I made a big supper and sent out the reminder to everyone that if they can make it great.  If they can't, that's okay too. I decided to focus on the moment and just how good it feels to be able to prepare a meal for whoever would be here to eat it...the peeling of vegetables, the cooking of a turkey ( yes I cook meat for my family even though I don't eat it...and I do my best to make sure almost every bit of it gets eaten so that the young turkey's life was not wasted.) , and the making of a favorite dessert. I cleaned up a bit in an easy no pressure way. I got myself ready...and when the time came those who was not expecting showed up and the house was full, the meal was eaten and appreciated ( thanks young turkey!).  My house was full of happy voices and I realized my heart was wide open.  

So I feel blessed! This is what being rich is all about.  Man I am so very rich! I may not be able to pay the mortgage next month but ... I am rich! 

A Christmas Miracle

And I am so grateful for this Christmas miracle...the opening of my heart.   The miracle  here isn't that a turn of pleasant circumstances opened my heart but that the intention to keep my heart open led to a very pleasing experience. So blessed!! 

All is well!

Christmas Everyday?

 Peace on earth will come to stay when we live Christmas everyday.

Helen Steiner Rice

Merry Christmas!  I want to wish you that every day of the year.  I want you to realize that which we seek so desperately in this version of Christmas we created...every single day of the year. So if I have to keep  a tree up all year and sing you Christmas carols in order for you to realize  this elusive, sought after "experience" , maybe that would be worthwhile?

Huh?  What the heck are you talking about crazy lady?  I thought you didn't like Christmas?

Hungering for the Experience Christmas is 'Supposed' to Provide

It is not that I don't like Christmas. In fact, I hunger for that "experience' we seek from it, more than most do.  I have just come to realize that "this thing we are looking for in Christmas"  is not necessarily found on this one  day of the year so expertly allotted for it.  Christmas' is just an idea...you get that right? What have we, as a culture done to this "idea" of Christmas? I mean...by all means ...find a day out of the year to celebrate the teachings of one of the greatest beings that ever walked the planet.  ( I am going to get in trouble for saying "one of"...aren't I?) . Celebrate His birth and live the greatest message he shared: "Peace"...but we do need to examine how we are doing that. 

The Pressure to Be Jolly

Every year I see that more and more...this pressure to keep up with the collective expectation...the desperate seeking for a moment of this "peace" during the hectic , busy time it has become.  I get caught up in it....pulled along by expectation and sometimes I am even the one pulling others along with my expectations. I do have moments of  joy ...I do...I love the warm lights and decorations, sweet memories the traditions induce, being with my loved ones, and seeing the happy, excited faces of  children. I feel myself, at those times,  opening up a bit more so this peace that is in all of us can come through. 

It doesn't last though and then I think there is something wrong with me. I spend many more moments over the holiday though...rushing, caught up in "busy, unmindful doing", worried that I may offend someone with not getting them a gift or not getting the right gift or not being fair n my distribution of wealth ( that's a joke lol)...trying to get all my family together under one roof for a meal.  I find myself stressed and literally, though I don't want to admit it out loud, waiting for December 27th to come.  I believe, when I realize this in me, that  I  am lacking in Christmas spirit and therefore I am defective.  How many people feel this way, I wonder.  I do know that this season has one of the highest suicide rates, slips in  addicts and  loneliness. Why do you think that is?

Peace is Beyond Attachment and Expectation

 I realize, so clearly now, it isn't the season or the traditions or the getting together that brings me these momentary glimpses of peace...if I am lucky enough to get them. Christmas is a celebration of Christ. Christ taught that peace is within us and cannot be found in the external world.  What we have culturally done with this time of year does not honor Him or His teachings! It doesn't represent "Peace!" We want that peace but  this deep  human hunger  has been so manipulated, habituated, exploited  and used over the years  for the purpose of the collective ego. ...as a means to control our beliefs, our spending, our commercialism.   This peace He taught about and was born to share...is not "out there".  It is not in the stores or under the tree.  It isn't in the stockings hung by the chimney with care. It isn't in the Christmas Carols or the traditions passed down from generation to generation. It isn't in the stories, the  movies we watch or the lights we put on our houses.  It isn't even in that splurge of generosity we feel  as we say Merry Christmas to strangers and plop a few bucks into a kettle.  Those are all sweet and harmless and perfectly okay. ..wholesome even...but our "attachment" to them and our "expectation" for this day is not wholesome.  It does not bring peace. It represents our culturally conditioned way of being in this world: seek outside for happiness, cling, attach, overspend, overindulge, numb etc etc

The peace Christmas is supposed to give us, to quench a thirst most of us are not even aware we have, is in us already...and what the collective mind has done with this  season...takes us farther away from it rather than closer to it.   There is nothing wrong with Christmas but our expectations and our attachment to this "idea" of it will not serve us.  Sure...we can feel peace at Christmas and what a wonderful thing that is if we do but this peace we seek is not reserved for this day only.  We can feel it everyday...if we just stop looking out there for something that is already in us.  If we keep our hearts open we can bring joy to the world every single day of the entire year.

So I have no problem with Christmas...just with what we do with it.  The only gift of value is peace...and I can't wrap that for you and put it under your tree. You won't find it there. It is already in you. When you are ready to unwrap the world ego provides, you will find it there.

So Merry Christmas...today and everyday!

All is well. 

Feeling Peaceful

 

If you want to be a voice for peace in the world, begin by making peace a permanent condition in your own life. 

Wayne Dyer

(This is what I am seeing as I look out my window...minus my old girl.  She is still around, just not in form.) 

It is beautiful outside my window right now...a perfect winter scene on the first full day of winter. (Winter solstice was yesterday at noon).  It is just lovely.  I am full of peace right now...tapping into that peace that is always there but that I somehow too often feel disconnected from.  Why am I feeling peace now? 

• Feeling a bit of relief.  I did get my booster yesterday and as with the second vaccine my immune reaction to it was a little intense. ( I attribute that to stress , more so than I would the vaccine or there being something wrong with my immune system.  I have been stressed and exhausted for months and months now...held together by the magical threads of yoga and meditation and by the  practice that I weave through my day...but stressed just the same.  When I have this intense immune response , I realize, once again the effect of prolonged stress on the human body.  I use it as a bell to bring me to my senses...time to relax and slow down. All good. I took  a couple of Tylenol to break the fever and I feel much better now.
• A Yoga Nidra Practice.  Wow!  I forgot how wonderful it is to relax deeply like that.  They say a 30 minute Yoga Nidra practice is equivalent to four hours of sleep.  I got up very refreshed from that session.
• This sense that I don't have to go anywhere or do anything today...because of how I physically feel and because  of the weather I put aside any pressure to do. ..to get there in that busy, chaotic energy of a commercialized Christmas.  I may wrap and finish some knitting but that's all I will be doing in the Christmas department. 
• A nice dharma talk I listened to that helped me to realize that I am really understanding this stuff and making it a part of my writing, teaching, daily life. 
• Gratitude...just feel grateful for what I have right here, right now.  Gratitude is a sure ticket to peace.
• Mostly, I am feeling peace  right now, becasue I choose to. I choose to let go of the unwholesome tendency to push away and I accept and allow what is. 

Anyway...it is all good!

All is well in my world.

Vaccinate the World

 Remember we are all one family living on this earth, even when our ego- mind tries to convince us otherwise. 

Rebecca Jones

Hmm!  I am in a bit of an ethical dilemma.  I am booked for my third vaccine tonight.  I thought when I booked it, I was doing the "right" thing, that I was being socially conscious and proactive in helping to prevent the transmission of this virus.  I didn't really contemplate this action, so convinced was I of it being the right thing to do.  I didn't look into the science behind this .  I dismissed the thought in my head, "How does a third vaccine really help in the long run? It really doesn't make sense to me."  Told myself, if  it is being encouraged by public health officials, I will pull up my sleeve and get another shot."

Then I thought, just for an instant, "Man...isn't it wonderful, living in a time where we can get so easily vaccinated and have the means to put an end to a pandemic?"   I never thought further than that.

That is until I proudly told a public health nurse, whose opinion I greatly trust, that I was getting my booster .  She just nodded her head but she was definitely not all "Oh that's great!" as I thought she would be. 

I asked her, fearing her answer, "Do you have yours?' 

To which she answered, "No.  I won't get a third vaccine until most people in Africa have their first. I would not have gotten my second until then, but because I work as a nurse I needed it. "

I looked at her, not quite understanding what she meant and she explained something I would have discovered for myself if I took the time to be more conscious and concerned, to see beyond my own little spot on the globe. She informed me that only 10 % of Africans ( not talking about South Africa) have their first vaccine. 

Here we are in North America...pushing for a third booster that we are not even sure has any effect (you cannot rely on the studies down by the pharmaceutical companies that are producing and profiting from the vaccines)  and there are millions of people being affected by COVID 19 in Africa because they can't get their first vaccine.  Of course, it is more challenging to vaccinate such a huge continent that is more rural than urban, with temperatures that make sustaining the vaccines viability very challenging until it gets into arms...but man...what the heck are we doing?  

What Are We Doing? An Ethical Question

We are triple vaccinating  a select few adults in geographically selected  areas while many, many more, in other areas on the globe, are dying becasue they can't get their first .  We are even vaccinating children here...a population who do not get sick with COVID.  Why? To prevent transmission to adults who do.  Does that make sense? Is that even ethical?   We are producing and distributing enough vaccine unnecessarily, as a luxury,  in our selected communities that could initially vaccinate those who really need it elsewhere. Is that fair?

And is it helpful?  

This is a pandemic...meaning the whole world is affected. Sure there is this instinct to protect ourselves nationally first.  I can understand that to a small degree.  But we do not have walls around our better off countries that prevent the virus from getting through.  We are not living in bubbles. What is going on in Africa, will make its way here, as we have seen with Omicron. That is how pandemics work. In order to put an end to this pandemic, the whole world needs to be vaccinated. ...not just our individual little communities, countries, continents. And viruses being very, very adaptable and intent on surviving will mutate and mutate and mutate until they are eradicated. That is the nature of a virus. Omicron is not going to be the last strain we encounter , if we continue to hide in our national shells. If the world does not get more vaccinated...there will be another strain, and another and another.  This pandemic will go on and on. It is time to stick our necks out and see the need for change in our approach. 

Easier to Remain Unconscious

It was my hope and my assumption from the beginning  that someone, somewhere was looking after our third world countries, ensuring that the vaccines were getting there and into arms.  I understood the challenges but I thought...somehow, in someway, the whole world will get their first vaccine and then we will focus on getting the second into arms.  When the second came, I didn't check in to make sure that Africans had their first. I wanted to believe they did or at least they were on their way to getting it.  So I rolled up my sleeve for my second.  And when the "booster" was being encouraged I signed up...again...not thinking clearly  of others I share this planet with. 

Now I feel so guilty...I don't want to have a third vaccine that someone in some rural village in Africa desperately needs. I wanted to get vaccinated to make this pandemic better, not worse.  

Not Telling Anyone Not To Get Their Booster.

Whether or not we get our booster, is not the real issue here. This Public Health Nurse strongly, strongly encouraged me to get my booster, now that it is booked.   She explained how many vaccines  get wasted and thrown out because of cancellations or no shows. Imagine? The real issue is in our awareness. We need to be more aware of our inter connectedness with all beings on this planet! 

All this reminds me of this economic disparity that exists.  There is enough food to feed the world...yet so many starve to death while others eat to the point of gluttony and obesity. There is enough vaccines to vaccinate the whole world, yet here are some of us going for number three while others go without. And we are still wasting what others hunger for.

Hmm! I will go because I do not want to waste but I cannot go without first sharing with others what I sadly learned last night.  We need to vaccinate the world we are all a part of.  Even beyond the vaccination, we need to see beyond our isolated communities to the world at large...realize our inescapable  connection with one and other .  We are all one family living on this earth. 

All is well. 

Calming the Mind's Wind

 The mind is like water.  When it is turbulent, it is difficult to see.  When it is calm, everything becomes clearer. 

The Buddha

I rode a mental wave today.. a big one from trough to crest and then to trough.  I actually rode a few waves... because the world beneath "me"  seemed to become quite turbulent. In a five hour time span, I was made aware, one by one,  how each of the five adult children in my life( including my stepson)  were getting seemingly swept away by their reactions to Life.  They each called me in to their experiences in one way or another.    I am not a strong swimmer and do not do well in choppy water but I will certainly dive in if I feel I can help save someone from drowning. So I dove in...and there I was for a good portion of my morning struggling to  stay afloat.

My mind, of course, was the wind that made the water ripple. ...into a very challenging current  to swim. There was the struggles of my significant others  made obvious to me...and there was my painful reaction to this information and observation.  I kept telling myself, as each obvious issue came to my attention, "This is not the problem.  It is just Life.  What my mind does with this information, will determine if there is a problem or not." And my windy mind was determined to give me a real swimming challenge.

My heart breaks, as a Mom, to see those I love hurting in the ways I see them hurting, especially when I know that I can do so little. They each must take the reins and direct their own minds and bodies  away from those paths that lead to suffering.  I am basically helpless in doing anything but offering my presence, or possibly pointing a finger to a direction "I believe" would be beneficial and watch and wait for them to do what they need to do.  It is very challenging to do that  and I just want to fix it all for them or curl up and away from that pain...but I know that neither would give them what they truly need...an opportunity to heal and grow their way.  It won't give me what I need either...the learned ability to ride each wave Life presents without going under. 

"And this too", I whispered to myself, "this too is Life." I stood back and I watched the waves of life circumstance and the waves of my mind...trough, crest and fall; trough, crest and fall; trough, crest and fall...over and over and over again. Each circumstance crested and then fell and dissolved as I watched.  Though, I thought I had to "act" on each one of them...and was  feeling so overwhelmed as to how I would do that, I discovered that all I had to do was watch as most of them rose and fell away from needing my intervention. I did act on some...but most, even after as I was getting ready to go to some in order to intervene...just dissolved away on their own.

This is what Life does with all the things that unfold in front of us.... it appears, it crests, it troughs and then whatever wave it came in is gone so the other wave can come in and do the same.  Our minds are like the winds...that react to the observation of these waves with our clinging, craving and aversion.  ...with our grasping or resisting the wave arrival in our mind's eye....they make the water more turbulent than it has to be.

Don't allow your windy mind to make the water choppier...just watch the unfolding of each wave.  Sure, we will be called to act from time to time...but it is so important that we calm the mind first.

All is well in my world.

 

The Mission to Transform

 

Awareness is like the sun. When it is shined on things, they are transformed. 

Thich Nhat Hanh

I asked for this...whatever I am experiencing in this waking up process: all the confusion mixed in with the new found clarity, the challenges, the struggles and the somewhat painful stripping away of all that I clung to ( including my beliefs) .  I asked for this and I , despite my being slapped in the face by the reality that suffering exists when I do, continue to ask for it everyday. 

I pray before I meditate: "Help me to awaken so I can help others to awaken..." 

Huh? Why am I asking this??? What is wrong with me? 

And I don't know why I ask, and why I practice or why I think that "I" , in this aging form and less than perfect mind..., has any "right" or "ability" to help myself transform suffering, let alone help another living being on this planet do the same.  Who do I think I am? What do I know? Who am I? 

It doesn't make a lick of sense to me most of the time. Yet, here I am.  I just feel the need to do so, so viscerally,  I know I will experience more pain if I don't continue on this path than I ever will if I do. I  feel compelled. It is a pull much bigger than "me" that brings me here everyday, that brings me to these teachings that I study as if I was studying for the MCATs or  LSATS, to my studio or to my cushion.  This  mission to awaken into awareness and its practice has become the most important part of my life. 

I never in my wildest dreams, imagined myself here, where I am now, at this point in my life: retired early, absent of all professional titles,  broke as s%^&, spending every morning practicing and writing what I write here. It is all so bizarre.  Yet, here I am.

And Life responds by unfolding in front of me with  one lesson after the other.  I mean...Life is not that personal...she is not just unfolding for my purpose lol...but with lessons for all of us...it is just that I , lacking in so much of my previous defenses, am running smack dab into these lessons, unprotected.  I am absorbing them and observing myself responding ( or reacting...I still react more than I respond). It freaking stings like the dickens but I realize that  is the way I learn. 

I choose to learn.  I choose not to run or hide anymore, but to make my way through to the other side of this confusion.  I chose awareness.

This learning or awakening has little to nothing to do with "knowledge I pick up from others" , no matter how wonderful these teachers may be and how they point me in the right direction. True learning does not come from concepts, teachings, religions or ideologies, though they all can be very helpful pointers.  True learning is derived from observing the mind and how it responds to Life.

That is all that I am doing...observing the nature of the human mind by observing my own. 

Hmm! Anyway..it is what it is! 

All is well. 

Surrendering When You cannot Escape

 Five Thing to Remember:

• We will all grow old.  It is natural for our bodies to age.There is no escaping the aging process.
• We will all get sick.  It is natural for bodies to get sick and breakdown from time to time. There is no escaping illness. 
• We will all die. It is natural for our  bodies  to expire at a certain point. There is no escaping death.
• We will all lose the things we cherish and cling to today. All things are, by nature, impermanent. There is no escaping change. 
• The only thing any of us will ever  truly own is our actions. Cause and effect is a natural phenomenon. There is no escaping the consequences of our action. 

As paraphrased from the video below.

Thrashing around in a small cage is bound to hurt  the person who perceives imprisonment. It can also cause so much injury, making the situation worse.  When we stop thrashing, stop resisting the reality around us and just sit where we are, we begin to see just how much space there really  is this cell and we also notice that the door was never locked. 

So many of us are constantly struggling and attempting to escape the reality of being human, and this only causes more suffering.

We need to surrender to escape. Surrendering and letting go to the realities of Life  is not morbid and pessimistic. It is liberating and freeing.  These realities do no cause our suffering, resisting the truth  of them does.

All is well. 

Thay Ngo Knong ( Brother Freedom)/ Deer Park Monastery (April, 2021) The Art of Letting Go. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MYjJp3KqKBA

 

Letting Go

 If we let go of the life we planned, we can discover the life that is waiting for us.

Brother Freedom

Bear With Care

 

Dare to Bear With Care

Brother Freedom

My eye is sore today.  The flashing is getting worse. It has been bothering me for a while and I know I need to re-access the system in order to do that.  The thought of doing this leads to an "unpleasant feeling" and a well established aversion tendency in me. 

I mean...the reality of what needs to be done is so simple. I only have to access the system on the periphery of allopathic medicine, not dive right in. All I have to do is call another optometrist somewhere and say..." having issues with an eye and just need a second opinion,  do you mind having a look at my retina?" I am going to have to pay for it...That's okay....vision  health is something one can find money somewhere for...you know? It is really no sweat off the optometrist's  backs either. They are going to get paid directly  for their service. They just have to look...tell me that it is nothing more than  a bit of astigmatism and dry eye...and I am on my way. Or...maybe, they will tell me it is a retinal issue, possibly a slow detaching...and they refer me to ophthalmology and  we get it fixed.  My brother had the procedure done twice without any visual loss. No big deal.

An Unpleasant Story

What is the big deal for me, is the story my mind creates around the accessing of this system.  This story is a collection of past memories and experiences that are stuck within me. I try to keep them down but with the mere thought of having to "go back in" they resurface. 

I have never been overly worried about anything my body ever did or refused to do. I may have known because of my nursing background  that something probably should be done about this or that...that I should at least get this or that checked...but I never really worried about my health as much as it is believed I did.  I have  always been more concerned about being believed so this assumption  about me....  being a "hypochondriac" or "overly nervous and worried about my health" or a "depressed or mentally ill"  person who was having a "conversion" type of response....or  someone with "Fat Folder syndrome" ...or an "attention seeker" or a "liar",(Man I heard it all)...would not stand in the way of me getting treatment for what I (or my family) was presenting with.  I perceived a problem in the  having to deal with the knowing something abnormal was happening with my body that needed some form of treatment, as minor as it may have been,   but instead of just getting a straight out diagnosis and treatment I much, much too often, got lectures, and waits, and shaming, and more waits, and dismissals, and more waits, and passed on from one person to the next ( with this assumption attached to my chart  like a label on my forehead.)  and told on several different occasions that I was 'lying"...and costing the system money with my health seeking. It was very, very unpleasant!  So unpleasant...that the pleasant experiences of dealing with  the many people who could see past the assumption compassionately and supportively...were overshadowed by the negative. And now ...here I am ...wanting to get a second opinion(well more like a first opinion..the other didn't think it was necessary to look in my retina. In all fairness to this professional, I didn't have the flashing then ...just the pressure)...that requires a bit more than reentering...that requires stepping on the toes that do the assuming. 

A Stuffed Pain Experience Resurfacing From the Basement

Wow!  I wasn't going to write about this today...not at all.  This whole idea of "having to health seek' is something I just want to avoid. I want to continue to push down the memories of these experiences so deep inside me I don't feel the pain, the shame, the fear. Just thinking about having to make a call triggers such a great amount of the "unpleasant" in me  leading to intense resisting and aversion.  My belly is in knots right now just because I wrote..."I know I need to re-access the system..." 

I guess, though this topic does, in some indirect way, go with what I intended to write about today...more on dealing with our attachments and aversions.

Face Don't Run

In a talk by Brother Freedom, we are reminded that  we need to face our suffering, to look deeply within at those  unpleasant things we may wish to run  or avoid dealing with.  When we look out at the external world we may experience something that brings, or as in this case, triggers unpleasant feelings and therefore leads to the habitual tendency of aversion. Even though we think we are avoiding or running from this feeling when we resist it, we are actually just storing it in our psyches.  It doesn't go away...we just hid it in the basement and we do our best to pretend it is not there by distracting with something that creates a pleasant feeling. 

What I need to keep reminding  myself is that I only live half a life when I find myself attached to the pleasant and resisting the unpleasant.  They go together.  We cannot have light without casting a shadow.  These shadows are just as worthy of our attention, our compassion and our care as the light is. . . 

The Neutral Parent

Brother Freedom tells us to look at the unpleasant and the pleasant as two toddlers we are holding.  Pleasant, is in one hand and unpleasant is in the other.  As a mother of twins, I actually know what that feels like to be walking along with a child in one hand wanting to go up there to something pleasant and another child in the other retreating back because to her it is unpleasant. As a mom, I had to hear and meet the needs of both of these children...I had to find a neutral space. But we do not tend to treat our experiences in this neutral space, do we? What we tend to do, as we move through life, is neglect, push away, ignore and avoid the so called  negative ...that which we deem as unpleasant.  We stuff our shame, our fear, our anger, our despair etc because we judge  these as unpleasant.. Would you do that with one of your children? 

Allowing the Pain to Surface

We need to call the unpleasant emotions and experiences out of the basement and ask them to sit beside us. We bring them from the shadows and into the light. We need to put our arm around them and say, "Hey fear and shame related to my health seeking...I know I tried to stuff you in the basement...to ignore you and pretend you didn't exist because thinking of you was so painful.  Even when you temper tantrumed or screamed at me to get my attention I would still try my best to pretend you were not there.  That is not fair... you deserve to be up here with me, just as much as peace and joy do.  We are all in this together. What would you like to say?  " 

This is daring to bare pain with care. 

And until we do that we will be going around in circles between attachment and aversion and these feelings will not do what they were meant to do...arise and then dissolve. Pain feelings  just gets stuffed inside, when we repress and suppress. They will keep getting poked whenever we are faced with the triggers the external environment is sure to provide.  I don't want to feel this way every time my body does something that may require attention from an expert.  Man...I am getting older...things are going to be breaking down more and more.  I need to sit with these feelings...allow them to speak and be heard (as was just have done on this page) .  I need to treat them with the same concern and care as I would  my happy child and wait for them to mature enough to want to leave my home on their own accord. 

Hmm! All is well! 

Excuse my citation...cannot seem to find the link for that  video

Brother Freedom at Deer Park. December 12, 2021.  Being Peace