The good things, do them
the bad things, don't do them.
Purify your mind.
This is the teaching [of the Buddha].
Brother Spirit
Exploring the Mind
I have been very interested in exploring my own tendency towards arrogance lately, or at least exploring the motivation from which I make my behavioural choices. I am fascinated with exploring my mind. That fascination can make each moment an interesting moment rather than a difficult one...but...that doesn't mean it isn't painful or difficult to do so.
Like many, I have a tendency towards shame when I remember and then judge some of my past behaviours or tendencies. It is a very visceral feeling for me. I feel it in my gut with a sensation like a twisting knot. I cringe. I feel the body curling forward automatically as if I need to protect that spot (myself from my own samskaras). There is, with that, an emotional experience of not only shame but of fear as well. I think some punishment is going to come from somewhere. I go from saying out loud to the air, "I am sorry," to possibly even, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." (If you were raised Catholic, you will understand where that comes from lol). It can be a very "uncomfortable" experience. I then find myself very resistant to the experience and I automatically go back to the tendency of pushing it all back down.
All I may have done in the past, according to this memory, is say something that came off as less than kind or make a mistake that I assume inadvertently caused another to suffer to some mild degree. Maybe, I failed to say hi to someone I passed and realized later that I didn't do so. Maybe, I did something with what I thought were pure intentions but others deemed it as arrogant, making me quetsion my motivation. Maybe, I drew too much attention to myself and liked it.
This what I experience is cognitive dissonance.
What is cognitive dissonance?
Cognitive dissonance, in my understanding, is when what we do, say, or express energetically does not feel comfortable to body or mind. Might have conflicting beliefs or have a desire to convince self or others that we do or do not believe what we do at the core.
According to Brother Spirit, it is a mismatch between our actions and the values we have or that we claim to own.
The" Be humble and good" belief
I was raised to be "good" which meant being quiet, not causing any trouble, not hurting anyone, denying self, being "nice", and humble. That is a core belief. I also have an added socially enhanced belief that contradicts that, "To redeem your shameful mistakes: Be strong, speak up, get what you want, get noticed, do something significant...be assertive even to the point of arrogance." I use the latter to deny my core belief, but that old shame core belief will still get triggered again and again. Sigh!
I do see when I reflect that neither belief is healthy, and I am working my way to their dissolution...but I still feel cognitive dissonance again and again. I especially feel it when I see myself trying to redeem myself to some professional image. I catch myself having or have had an experience of being "arrogant" and automatically I find myself cringing forward. I want to punish myself for being arrogant...and then when I return to adhering to the shame based core belief, I want to punish myself for being so "pathetically humble or delf defacing". I do not like it either when I catch myself for being "nice" for the sake of appeasing a core belief. I am "harsh" to this self when I catch myself in the midst of either tendency.
Avoiding Discomfort
Cognitive dissonance is uncomfortable and I want to avoid it. Brother Spirit lists ways in which we tend to avoid such uncomfortable moments.
We are profoundly adverse to discomfort ...we need to look at the ways we avoid feeling this discomfort and learn instead to become at peace with it
When we feel this conflict, we tend to ...
- change our behaviour
- justify our actions
- add other behaviours (supplement with less conflicting and "positive" behaviours more in line with these core beliefs)
- or we ignore or deny the evidence
So how do we make the right decision, say, when we are deciding if we should write and then promote a book to support language learning that may help others and help us at the same time, even if we do not see ourselves as experts? Seems simple enough, doesn't it? Sounds like a good thing to do...so why wouldn't the choice automatically be, "Go for it?"
Well, such decisions are not so easy to make when you have battling egos like I have.
The Right Choice
Brother Spirit tells us that in order to make the "right" choice, the most skillful and beneficial one we need to know if our choice will: reduce pain, or increase pleasure. Which is our major motivation for most choices we make, is it not?
The writing of this book helped to reduce pain in this human I call "me. It was a distraction away from some pretty heavy life circumstances. Did it increase pleasure? Yes, again it increased pleasure for this human I call myself. I love to learn, write, and teach. I could do all three with this book creation, so it was a great "pass time" for "me". Was it a pain reducing pleasure for others? Hmm! If it were to be what I set out for it to be: a tool for reducing the pain of a language barrier done in a fun and interesting way...then yeah. The intention was for it to reduce suffering and add pleasure to others. I have yet to see it doing so, however.
We also need to ask, "Will this be helpful or unhelpful?" I wanted this book to be helpful. I learn better when I teach so it was very helpful to this human...but I am not sure if it was, is, or could be helpful to others? I fear sometimes that it might even be unhelpful being that it was created through learning, not established expertise.
We need to take it further to ask, is it beneficial or unbeneficial? The problem with the first few questions is that they are self and other focused. "Little me" seen itself as a separate entity getting something from this book creation, but it also looked at "the others" who might benefit. It may have been beneficial to separate entities but how did it benefit the world as a whole? Hmm! Probably very insignificantly, if at all.
A step farther: "Is it skillful or unskillful?" I did quickly ponder that question. More specifically, I asked, "Is this a skillfull or unskilful use of my time and energy? Could that energy be directed to something that would impact the world more significantly? "
Hmm! These questions are not enough because we are not contemplating who we are saying this choice should be beneficial for? Others? And what others? Who are the Others? Or is it to be beneficial to "self", meaning which of the two egos should this decision serve?
A better question then is, "Are/were we deluded or awake when we make or made that that decision?" I can see on reflection of past choices that if I am serving either my shamer ego or my redeemer ego...catering to shame-based beliefs or the redemption ones that can lead to arrogance...I am deluded. If I am not serving Self and the One consciousness, I am not awake enough to make a proper decision that will truly serve. Another great quest to ask is does /did it open or close us?
Internal Ethics
When we are reminded of past mistakes or less than wholesome choices...when we feel the inklings of cognitive dissonance brewing inside us, it is a wonderful time to look at our "internal ethics." What are we experiencing and why? Are we noticing any conflicting beliefs or conflicts between our choices and our principals? Why does this feel so uncomfortable? What is my tendency when this feeling arises? Do I want to escape it? Do I go to thinking about how I can change my behaviour to make this feeling go away? (In my case am I shifting from the directions of one ego and going to the next?) Am I trying to justify why I did what I did to make the guilt and shame go away? Am I supplementing with other more positive behaviours that appease whatever ego needs appeasing? Am I trying to ignore the evidence?
Victim?
Another common tendency I have, shared by many I am sure, is that I try to slip into victim mode. "I couldn't help it. It was self defense. Look what happened to me...this is why I do what I do etc." And when we become victims, we need to vilify others to sustain our self identity as victim. "He/she/ they made me do it!"
Rushing Decisions
Often when we are faced with any decision...we are in an uncomfortable situation that we quickly want to escape. We make quick decisions just to escape the discomfort of having to make a decision. When we make decisions this way we spend the future trying to rationalize these decisions or we change our beliefs or values to match the choices we made.
I wrote this book on a pure compulsion. When the time came to make a decision about what to do with the book once it was written and how to get it out there....I was torn. I quickly made a decision to send a copy here or there, give this person or that person a copy along with an explanation...I wasn't seeking profit, but I did need to cover printing costs and to pay myself at least a couple of dollars per book for the work. As soon as I put it up and out, Shamer kicked in big time. "Who was I to write this book anyway, let alone give it to people?"
And because the decision was already made, I started to transgress my moral principle of staying humble and allowed Redeemer to step up with, "It is a great and noble thing I did! It will help! I had the skill set to write this book. I was the one to do it and get it out there! etc." It never felt right...I could still feel the conflict between humility and arrogance brewing in my belly.
We also tend to adjust our views and values to account for our behaviours. When I do something out of arrogance, I might say, "That's okay. I am allowed to look after myself and do something that would get me noticed etc. It is good to be noticed. People who stay in the shadows do not help others."
If I do something that makes me appear humble to myself or others I might say, "Look at how humble I am. I am more spiritual than most because of my humility."
This dissonance is terribly uncomfortable and because I have had so little feedback indicating that maybe it wasn't such a bad thing to do, I feel a bit cringy and torn inside whenever the feeling and thought emerges, "I shouldn't have put this book out there. Who did I think I was? "
At the same time I am intrigued by this thought and the self reflection it leads to.
A Mirror
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