Compassionate Communication?

 "I do see that you are suffering, my love. But I also see that you don't have to."

"Me"

I am told that I am not as "compassionate" as I used to be, that I don't seem to "get it" when others share their tales of emotional pain with me. I have even been accused of being "cold, and mechanical" in my reponses. Sigh! And if I dare utter the above statement that is so sincere, it doesn't go over very well...let me tell ya! 

 Be careful using that above statement when a loved one comes to you with their "problems" and "complicated emotions. " 

I used to be a person who became very attentively involved when others came to me with their problems and emotional issues.  I studied and taught Interpersonal Communication for years so I had the skill set to respond in a psychology-approved way.  As an empathetic person, I also tend to feel the pain others are experiencing which leads to a natural and sincere compassion. Back then, compassionate interpersonal communication meant giving back to the person what I assumed they wanted to hear. It meant focusing on what the psyche was experiencing and trying to soothe it. The suffering other would get some sense of being heard, validated, and relieved of their pain.  Back in the day when I assumed that the outside world was responsible for all problems in life, all "pain" and "suffering" I would validate that their outside experiences were the cause for their anger, sadness, depression, or stuckness.  I helped them, unknowingly, relieve themselves of responsibility for their inner experiences and I (and they) deemed that as compassionate communication. 

Sigh!

I don't see it that way anymore.  I, therefore, don't give others (one being in particular) what they "want" when they come to me with their pain experiences and expressions. Though I don't point fingers and blame...I gently, and very compassionately, try to give them back the responsibility for their sense of suffering. I see responsibility (response-ability) as the ability to respond rather than react to life circumstance and internal discomfort. I want them to see, not that they are to blame for their experiences, but that they have the power to get beyond them.  I see a way through  all pain now...I see that suffering is something that can be avoided when we allow and accept all experiences, be they painful or joyful, as part of our reality. We may not have power over what life gives us but we do have power when it comes to choosing to allow or resist it. Resistance, I have come to see, is the true cause of any suffering we may experience. 

Most people are yet to see it in that way. So, when they (this one being especially) come to me they are looking for me to validate and confirm their resistance and stuckness, as I used to. That type of interpersonal communication and support is what they see as helpful to their psyche.  They still identify greatly with their psyche's, their personalities, and are wanting those personalities stroked and coddled. I see their attachment and overidentification with their personalities as the source of their problems and ...I cannot do that anymore. 

My personality is put in the background when I interact now.  I don't even have to do anything.  I hear that emotion in a person's voice, and automatically "little me" steps back. A very calm, wise, and noreactive part of me takes over in most of my communication experiences. This one being deeply resents it when that happens and our interactions seldom goes the way she wants.

How could it go better for both of us?

I know a return of my reactive personality is not the answer, though she insists it is. Man, personality is still there enough for me to become exhausted and unhappy with these communications and the blame I receive for their outcomes (even though I know I am not to blame). I know I could avoid uttering those words even if I am thinking them.  Or I could change the above statement slightly.  It is still very important for the person to feel like their experience of pain is seen and heard by another ...that has to be uttered or expressed in some way.  "I see you are feeling pain.  I see that you are suffering."  The problem is that I attached a "but" in the above statement.  I have always taught my Communication students that a "but"deletes all that comes before it. So, we do need to get rid of the "but".  One small, but significant change could be:

"I see that you are feeling pain, that you are suffering.  I also see that you do not have to."

Not everyone is going to see it the way I see it, the way many of you who are reading this likely see it. Most of us are still very much trapped in the quest to soothe the psyche and cannot see that it is that quest that leads to most of our experience of suffering.  If one is attached to or overidentified with their pysche or their personality, then how are they going to see it as the problem? 

Hmm! Anyway....Once we reach this state of realization, there is no going back.  I cannot soothe the disturbed psyche of others in the way they want me to.  I am still compassionate...don't get me wrong...but I am more concerned with Truth...than I am with coddling something that isn't even real. 

So, these others are right. I cannot give them what they want and what their pysches need.

Sigh! 

All is well.