The Human and the I am

 Your human is a child but you are a great being! 

Michael Singer

I had an experience this morning.  I woke up in physical discomfort...the pain actually woke me up-  and with this sense of self pity I had not felt in a long time. I was reminded last evening, after watching a show about the ER, of my health seeking experiences. And when the pain was there upon awakening it just triggered a lot of that stuff to come up to the surface.  I was also reminded yesterday that I may not be as important as I thought I was in a particular team. My redeemer ego was on a rampage  for months in an attempt to build this "me" up into something it wasn't. Of course, I know it could never be what it thought I should be to others but you know how self pity goes...it just digs up every reason it can to justify itself.   So, that was on my mind this morning as well. 

I knew what I was experiencing was all ego and so irrevelant but ego can be nasty.  It stepped  up to chastise me for my self pity and for giving into the pain. Hmm!

I suddenly had a feeling then that the self pity, the pain, and the self recrimination had a purpose beyond the obvious. It was all just a tapping on the inside of the closet door.  Some old stuff wanted to come out

 Don't judge self-pity too harshly. 

Self pity is not something we have to stay in.  It isn't a seed we want to water and grow...but when its grown in the mind already, instead of beating ourselves up for letting it grow...we can simply see that is there for a reason.  It is a superficial emotion that can open us up to something deeper, that can open the door and take us back to the stored stuff. We do not need to revel and roll around in that old garbage i as the ego wants us to do...but it can help us to keep the door open long enough for the stuff that needs to come out, to come out. Self pity can start a cleansing process.

So, I went down to my studio this morning for my morning meditation practice and I allowed the self pity and the physical pain. I listened to the knocking...I opened the door and I allowed something to come out as I observed this human being human.  It did in big salty tears.  Nothing dramatic...just cleansing. 

I need to, we all need to, stop beating ourselves up when we catch ourrselves in self pity.  We do not want to get lost in painting ourselves as a victims and others as victimizers, as the ego searches for jusitification for itself...but we do want to notice it, and observe what the mind is doing. Try not to judge the self pity or the person experiencing it.  It is there for a reason.  

For whatever reason, I have had a lot of painful experiences  in my life as a human being and I stored an awful lot inside. I have been conditioned to believe that I am doing  something wrong  when I give in to physical pain or negative emotions like self pity, when I allow them into my conscious awareness, when I just don't shake them off like I have been taught to do.  The shaking it off, the grasping and the aversion...is what filled my closet with so much junk in the first place. 

I want all this stuff out of me.  I want all the stuff I stored out of the way.  

Anyway, as I was meditating I heard myself saying, 

"Wow! This human me is having a hard time with what it had and is experiencing. It has been through a lot!"

I felt compassion and empathy for this human in a way I never did before. Self pity transmuted into loving kindness. 

Then I heard myself: "I" , the observer, was seperate from the human having the experience. The "I" wasn't experiencing it. The "I" wasn't harmed by it. It was simply watching the human experiencing it. 

I realized that I am not this human. I am in this human, here to experience whatever I can for a certain period of time through this physical and mental form. This human body and mind isn't who I am ...it is just a sensory space suit that I get to wear. This human's  experience was tough, made tougher by its collection of learned experiences, its reactivity and resistance, its grasping and clinging. Now it is tired and sad, full of stored stuff in the way of it experiencing what I am. Hmm! The last thing I need to do is chastise it, shame it further, or beat it up for being what it is...human.

That realization kind of floored me as I sat there. I seemed to see things so clearly.

Anyway, that was the experience I wanted to share with you.  It reminded me of what Michael Singer said a few days ago.

All is well. 

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe ( June 3, 2024) Levels of Working with Your Energy. https://tou.org/talks/