Cleansing is Spirituality.
Michael A. Singer
What is Michael A. Singer saying as his closing mantra at the end of each podcast? It sounds like Chakratif? Is that a word? What does it mean? I am curious.
Anyway, before I listened to this video I was down in my studio doing my morning meditation. I have been inspired by reading Aware to resume my old practice of breath awareness, followed by sensory input awareness, followed by body awareness (inspired by the book....I focused on bones and muscles before proceeding to the inner organs housed in the pelvic cavity [I seem to have a lot going on down there for some reason so I spent more than a few moments there], then up to the other organs of the body...GI system (observed the tightening in my gut), respiratory system, the heart (could hear and feel the mitral valve click/murmur so obviously), and finished with the brain.
From the brain I put my attention on both the area between the eyes...6th chakra and the heart 4th chakra. I began then to welcome any mental formations to come up that needed to come up. There was, I noticed, a lot of gaps of thought that seemed like big blocks of colour...I focused on these and I continued to welcome any thing that needed to be heard to come up. ...When a thought stream came in it was more like me reaching down and pulling it up. I explored it for a while, not getting caught up in the content, just knowing it was a thought with a general theme. I watched as it left and I returned to that big block of colour.
This mental formation observation wasn't exactly passive today. It was more about me reaching down and gently pulling up a thought than it was about me dealing with the fast traffic of a monkey mind. If there was emotional energy around each thought I felt my belly tightening. I focused on that. I welcomed the thought, the feelings and emotions, experienced them and then watched the way they left. Each thought/emotion/feeling seemed to come from from below my diaphragm, if that makes sense, and it seemed to depart to the right of me? I would notice that knot in my belly as it came up (years of resistance conditioning).
Finally, I finished with a loving kindness meditation before coming back and around . When I was finished with this, I practiced my usual Kriya yoga. An hour and a half passed and I literally thought it was only 15 minutes.
The point is, before I began this practice I set my sankalpa intention onr eleasing samskaras. I have been feeling the turbulent energy of an old shame response beating against the door I have stuffed it inside. It started when I left the little job I had on Wednesday. I am quite certain I will not be returning as others, more qualified, than me are interested. I was perfectly okay with that from the beginning. And as much I loved working with the kids and truly enjoyed the experience, I literally didn't feel any attachment or clinging. I am perfectly okay with whatever happens in the future. So, I couldn't understand why the energy started slapping against my insides as I was preparing to leave. I was suddenly doubting everything I did and thought I knew.
A lovely teacher I had the pleasure of working with handed me a nice plant in a teacher-inspired vase as a farewell token and the slapping energy inside got even louder, I started hearing "this human"say, "You should have gotten her something, too. What is wrong with you?" Things around me seemed to get really chaotic. I couldn't focus. I found myself closing/ tightening up. I didn't hug anyone and I didn't say goodbye to all. I just left.
It was a very odd feeling and I found myself automatically going through possible solutions in my mind that would diminish that feeling. "Maybe I didn't say goodbye right. I will rectify that. I will write emails, send cards, get all the work done so I can close the chapter. Yeah! Yeah! That is why I am feeling this way. I just need closure. I have to complete what I need to do. And finish the books and send them off. Then walk away and 'whatever damage you have done as you know you are prone to do' I won't have to face anymore.
WTF(front door)? What is that all about?
I knew then what I was feeling was an activation of an old internal samskara. Stuffed and stored memories wrapped in the emotional energy of shame and unworthiness were emerging from some place deep, deep inside me. I knew this one well. It has been a part of my life for the longest time: This feeling of never being good enough to be included into a team, let alone "thanked" for what I do was making its way up and out, triggered by leaving this role. This energy encased belief that all I could do was harm, never help, was determined to come up. Though my conditioned tendency to push it all back down was also triggered, this time I knew that I had to let it come up.
I have been praised, thanked, gifted, rewarded, complimented for my teaching many, many times over the years and though I spent a great deal of energy and time seeking that compensation that I hoped would keep all that shame down, all I ended up doing was covering it with desire. Redeemer ego is no match for Shamer Ego. Shamer Ego has been around a lot longer than Redeemer and it never felt worthy of any external validation for my worth. Sigh. Covering shame up was not the answer. Letting it come up and out, once and for all, was.
So, this morning, I began my practice with this sankalpa: may I be cleansed of my most prevalent samskara. Automatically, when I closed my eyes, I could visualize this shame as a large cancerous tumour, with long limbs extended outward wrapping around so many cells of my sushumna...blocking the flow of that light inside me. It was such a clear visualization. I had to ask: How do I disentangle that from my insides? This tumour is so big and there are so many limbs that all seem to be wrapped so tightly around things that want to come up and it also appears to be so attached to the the tissue of the sushumna itself. I noticed though that the majority of the tumour was fairly close to the surface...like in the throat. It was time for it to make its way out! I had to trust that it would do so. I proceeded with my meditation or mindfulness practice (I don't care what you call it lol) as above.
I finished my practice and came up here to listen to Thursday's podcast. I wanted to spend yesterday's practice re-listening to Monday's podcast as I have been so focused on my little job, finishing my books, and watching my granson that I didn't get it all. This morning's was Thursday's. What was it on? Purification of Samskaras.
This is what I got from that podcast mostly in paraphrased form:
Spiritual techniques are there to help us rise above our personal selves, to transfer our consciousness off the mess inside that we are concentrating on.
Our natural state is not to get what we want and avoid what we fear. It is complete well being.
The ultimate spiritual question is: "If that is my natural state, why don't I experience it? Why am I not experiencing pure joy and love all the time?"
Resistance to what is, suppression and repression are the cause of all our suffering.
You in there who didn't want to expereince this or that pushed whatever it was way down. You shoved contrary energy you couldn't handle on top of your natural energy flow.
We resisted what life has handed us.
"You can't have every experience but please have the experience that was handed you."
We can be healthy inside- experience sat chit ananda- once we transcend the garbage.
It is better to work on being able to handle life than it is to attempt to manipulate life into becoming something we can handle.
"When you start handling the daily stuff, the old stuff is going to start coming up all by itself. And you are going to find out you can handle it. It starts to pull you down and you say, "I am not going to give up the joy that is underneath ." You welcome it [all the garbage] up. Everytime it comes up it gets higher underneath.
That is where I am at in my practice...willingly welcoming all the garbage up. It isn't pleasant and rather smelly but it is where I want to be. I am going to trust that all this old stuff is coming up on its own exactly the way it needs to.
All is well
Daniel Siegal ( 2018) Aware. tarcherperigee
Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe (June 13, 2024) Real Spirituality: Committment to Perpetual Purification. https://tou.org/talks/
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