Tied by your thoughts, you lose the truth, become heavy, dull, and unwell. Not well, the mind is troubled. Then why cling to or reject anything? If you wish to move in the One Way [be peaceful, and happy, in harmony with Life], do not like or dislike even the world of senses and ideas.
Seng-ts'an Hsin-Hsin Ming as interpreted by Eric Putkonen
Another Interpretation of Hsin-Hsin- Ming I read today as I still ponder this idea of embracing Life as Life is instead of allowing this notions of "me" to get in the way.
A Reaction Beginning
Been feeling much better and getting to the point where I can completely forget about the woes of my body again. That is until, I over exert like I did this morning, and symptoms return with a very loud reminder to "Slow Down!" Having the pressure, pain and weakness in the body is one thing...but having them in the mind is another. My mind still wants to follow those symptoms and that low energy feeling. I was so "up" before the symptom-reminder and now I am on the verge of going down, down, down. Especially when my daughter comes to me with an onset of symptoms, while I am experiencing mine ( and I did not mention to her that I was) so similar to the ones I had for years: sudden run of palpitations with a rate of 160 , sweating, pressure in her chest, SOB and that awful mental feeling that goes with it. Her heart rate has been up over 130 for days which she tolerates....but then it will jump up to 160, 170, 180 for no apparent reason. I want her to go in for an ECG and am strongly encouraging it but she won't go. (At the same time I am remembering my experience when I was a little older than she was going in with these same things, again and again being miscounted. I don't want that for her either...I want her to trust what her body is telling her and not walk away confused like I too often did). But she needs to be seen and treated!
From Poor "Me" to A Fear for "Others"
This is familial, whatever this is, is familial. Why wouldn't my children have it? It is not like I conditioned her to believe she has "this" ....I did just the opposite. Though in the beginning of her symptoms years ago (she ws passing out in high school gym class) I did take her in and insist she be evaluated, I soon learned then the futility of "me"being her advocate. Because of the assumption attached to me...she got referred to a specialist who dismissed it all as "insignificant". (Very familiar words to my ears). Somehow, I fear, my situation contaminated hers. So over the last few years I causally responded when she approached me with her concerns, "Mention it to your doctor when you speak to him. Maybe it is just anxiety or the fact that you are out of shape ( yeah right). Don't worry about it. Just mention it...but if the rate stays above 160 for more than a an hour or the pain gets bad...go in. Please go in!" I want her to go in, as an adult, without me and any "assumptions" attached to me in the way of her assessment. I have another daughter with the same symptoms...her pulse, however, is completely irregular when she is having her runs. I know it is atrial fib but she won't go either. Man! How can I advocate for them or encourage them to get the help I never got, even though I want it so badly for them?
An Opportunity to Practice
After all I wrote yesterday, after all I have learnt over the years in my practice, I still have a mind that wants to react. Still have an ego-mind that sees this as happening to "me" ; still have an intellectual/conceptual mind that is analyzing the data and determining that it is a "bad, wrong, shouldn't be" kind of thing and I still have the desiring-mind that wants both my daughter's and my own symptoms to be gone and more importantly wants the "disturbance" they cause in my mind cleaned up. This is, then, a good opportunity for practice.
The Practice: Do Not Like Or Dislike
Anyway...I was feeling up this morning and now I am on the verge of reacting. I feel the tentacles of "worry" around me, shame and fear resurfacing to sit by my side...and they are such annoying house guests. I want nothing more than to slap them across the face and send them back down to the basement ...but I know doing that is not wholesome or skillful. So I breathe, just as I encouraged my girl to do. I take three deep breaths in and and out and then I sit quietly and just observe my natural breath going in and going out. I call on the mindfulness, happiness and joy I have stored with in me. Then I step back mentally from the situation and I observe it all. I feel my body supported by gravity and I feel the symptoms.I observe my mind skipping back to the past and forward into the future. I remind myself that is not "True Mind" through which I am seeing when I do that. I make an intention to observe all this with "True Mind". I focus on breath again. I encourage the body to relax. If there is resistance there I observe that. I allow that. I nurture that with self compassion and understanding. Then I notice "worry, shame and fear" sitting beside me, how they feel in my body, how they feel in my mind and forgoing the urge to push them back down I say, "Hello friends. Back again are you? Sit beside me and tell me what you feel I need to hear. Or sit beside me and say nothing. Just be as you are."
I affirm that this is my experience right now: agitation brought on by body symptoms, worried about my daughter's symptoms, shame that I cannot help her in the way I want to help her, fear for both of us, sadness. This is my experience. I do not need to like it or dislike it. It just is! Now from my seat in the True Mind, I relax and observe, allow and investigate and I nurture myself and all that is. Hmmm!
Then I get up an make an appointment for her, with her permission, that is. And I hope she gets in soon. And I hope that when she does get in she will have a favorable outcome. But that is beyond both our control. It will be what it will be. So I then find myself praying, "May there be peace and wellness, then, may there be peace and wellness".
How do I feel after this mindfulness practice? Tired lol. Symptoms are gone, worry and shame and fear have all diminished significantly though they are still lingering around. I notice them but I am not about to engage too much. I feel better.
Hmmm!
All is well.
Seng-T'san, Hsin Hsin-Ming : Verses on the Perfect Mind as translated by Eric Putkonen. https://www.holybooks.com/wp-content/uploads/Hsin-Hsin-Ming.pdf
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