You are very beautiful-you are-not the mind, not the personality-you. The one who is in there when you relax is very beautiful and you will start to experience that beauty. People call it Light, people call it joy...spirit...Shakti...Chi...whatever words you want to use. You will start to experience beauty inside because that is what is there.
Michael Singer
We all need to learn just how beautiful we are. Beneath these overactive minds and busy bodies and personalities there is something so pure and beautiful that requires a certain process and lots of learning to access.
Hooked On The Learning
Oh the learning, the learning, the learning. I share so bloody much of my personal life because of this learning. I see every moment as a learning opportunity and as a learner it is my duty and privilege to share in order to pass on this learning. I know it sounds so...as my children would say..."cra-cra" but I am utterly compelled. I may not have much zest and excitement in my little version of life these days but this desire to learn has such a pull on me, I couldn't untether myself if I tried. (Even though...an "untethered soul" is ironically where the learning is taking me). I am in this learning venture 100 % . Part of that learning is teaching, whether or not me or anyone else on the planet finds it annoying lol.
If you are reading this, at least if you are coming back to these pages, you are learning too and possibly teaching against your ego's protests as well. :) Why are we on this path and now that we started it finding ourselves unable to get off, even if we wanted to?
Why We Get On This Path?
So, by changing your mind, you change everything. If only we could understand this point, we would see that there is nothing wrong outside; it is all in the mind. By correcting our vision, we correct things outside.
Satchidananda/ The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali
Maybe you realized like I did years ago, that the old ways of doing things: letting the first three levels of mind run the show...being consumed in likes and dislikes, wants and do not wants...just doesn't bring what we truly want in our lives, which is feeling okay inside. Michael Singer in his podcast ( linked below) reminds us that if we are being really honest with ourselves, if asked the question, "What do you truly want from Life?", we would answer, "I want to be okay inside." And feeling okay inside means being able to feel peace, love , joy, strength, enthusiasm and wellness. Though I never really looked at it this way, I knew for a very long time that I wanted "peace" instead of this monkey mind that never shuts up and that leads to so much unrest. Peace of mind became my goal when I started on this learning venture. So I embarked on this very simple but, oh so challenging, journey that some might refer to as the spiritual path. I may never reach the final stage of this learning...what might be referred to with words as "complete enlightenment" and I can not say even that that is my intention...I am in this for the peace of mind. I will, however, go as far as this road takes me.
How Do We Achieve Peace of Mind, Let Alone This "Beauty"?
So how do I get to this peace of mind? Well Michael Singer offers several stages one goes through from victim of a restless monkey mind to truly transcended/ascended being. The final stages are fascinating and sure, if Life takes me that far, I will take em...but again...peace of mind is my goal for now ( and now is all there is, right?) . So I am trudging through the first few stages he speaks about in, The Stages of the Spiritual Path: The continuum of Letting Go.
My View of the Process
I see it this way: I am presently learning to step mentally back a bit, relax and observe my tendency to want and not want. I see so clearly that though this is a conditioned and "normal" way of approaching Life as a human being...it does not take me closer to my goal of peace of mind. It takes me farther away. It causes more stress than peace!
Bouncers with Lists at the Mental Club
I use this analogy to help me understand the process. Maybe, it will help you too. I see three bouncers or gate keepers at the door between my psyche and the external world. These bouncers are Cittas: My "ego-/"little self" mind, "judging/discriminating mind" and "Desiring mind" . Their job is to protect and avoid disturbance inside my mental club, my version of life. Each bouncer has a clip board with two lists on it. A "Want it! Allow it! Make sure it comes in even if you have to go out of your way to pull it in" list and a "Don't want it! Don't let it in! Keep it out even if you have to beat the crap out of it !" list. So these bouncers are very much busy and en-gaurde 24-7. There is always, always something showing up in front of them and they are always going through their lists and doing their jobs. They are great bouncers but they work so hard they are driving us crazy.
And on top of that these lists are very faulty. The trouble with the first list is that the bouncers let in guests we think we want just because they made the list, only to realize when they get in that we don't want them, they are not peaceful and pleasant but noisy and disturbing guests. Or sometimes the guests on the "I want" list only stay a few minutes and leave, creating an empty feeling of loss or sometimes we want more and more of these guests but we just can't get them....no matter how busy these bouncers are at trying to lure them in, we just can't get them(/ the things we think we want) to come in. The trouble with the second list is that whatever the bouncers try to keep out becomes even more determined to get in. Unwanted guests will sneak in through windows and back doors and they will get in. They do not go away. They get in and because they do not want the bouncers to discover that they snuck in...they will stay in the shadows to avoid painful punishment at the exit door. It will therefore get very crowded inside our minds. crowded, loud, chaotic, overloaded. The bouncers, so busy looking "out there" do not have a clue, nor do they care, what is going on "in here". Their job is to select what shows up as Life unfolds externally from the list, only allowing in what is wanted, pushing away what isn't. While ourinsides get more and more messy!
So What Do We Do?
So I discovered that these bouncers and these lists...this process of trying to control, and manipulate what came into my life experience by liking and disliking...does not bring peace. It creates an overcrowded and chaotic mess inside me. I discovered that what I have to do is step into the mind and from there I have to fire the bouncers I had depended on for so long. I need to let ego-mind, discriminating-mind and desiring-mind go. It is hard to let them go. I am not sure what will happen to my life without them. But I am committed to doing just that. I do want to send them away with some appreciation for what they tried to do for me. I know they were only doing their jobs. I will give them a good severance package and wish them well but I know I have to let them go. And I must insist they take their lists with them when they go. I guess, I am still in the termination process to some degree. The disgruntled bouncers have not left the building completely yet. They are still dragging their feet as they head for the door, trying to convince me I still need them while they wave their lists in my face. . I just cannot engage myself in their conversations any longer. I have to learn to ignore them until they are finally out the door. Sigh
At the same time I am firing the Cittas, I am learning to leave the entrance and exit doors wide open as I open up every window. I am looking for a cleansing breeze to freshen up my mind. I am also learning to stay back in True, spacious mind, to relax and release there, while guests come in and out...allowing them all, resisting none. I simply want to welcome and observe, look deeply into what they may be bringing with them, how my body and mind "feels" with their presence, appreciating whatever shows up and then watch each guest, each thing, each experience leave through the open exit door. (Not always able to do that...sometimes I find myself running to the door to shut it on something that might be trying to get in or going outside my mind to find something I can pull in that will make me feel better. I am a work in progress).
With no bouncers they come and they go freely. I don't expect or want any of them to stay forever. I do my best to react to none of it and when I can avoid reaction, this spaciousness inside me gets wider and wider. Even more beautiful...yes it is starting to get beautiful in here...despite the fact it is far from cleaned up...the old unwanted guests that were hiding in the corners because they were afraid of the bouncers are now free to leave. They are gathering their courage and starting to emerge and move toward the open doors.
I am letting go.
Spend every moment of your life letting go of that part of you that is trying not to let go.
Michael Singer
Well this is the stage I am on now and it is challenging enough. Though the stage of transcendence is alluring...I am not striving to get there. I am doing my best to just relax and release here. Like I said, the bouncers with their want/don't want lists are still around. Maybe my goals may differ when they are completely gone but for now...I am okay relaxing here. So I just let go and relax here. This too is a beautiful part of the healing journey. There is beauty here.
All is well.
Michael Singer Podcast/ Sounds True ( April, 2022 ) The Stages of the Spiritual Path-A Continuum of Letting Go. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W23Qob0d6rA
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