Chasing your calling does not have to be this grand road to fame sort of pursuit. It could be a slow, quiet walk towards the purpose you have been created for.
Unknown.
Not Chasing , Being Pulled
My calling is to write and serve the greater good in someway. My calling isn't fame and fortune. That is a good thing becasue...I have been writing for many, many years and have neither fame or fortune. I am not even sure if I am serving the greater good.
Someone I love dearly made an innocent comment yesterday, in reference to me doing what I do here, that went something like this. "Maybe if you stop talking about yourself so much, and instead give people pointers on how to solve their problems, you could actually increase your readership and maybe even make some money."
I was not one bit insulted by that comment nor was I moved an inch toward changing what I do here. The comment was one of those neutral things that blew right through me. I listened. I definitely felt the "You are probably right" in it. I also felt the earnestness in the person's suggestion; was moved by their desire for me to "be happy" and possibly their need to protect me from "embarrassment " by encouraging me to be less "exposed". I felt great warmth and appreciation for their concern for me. I also chuckled to myself when the comment brought the image to my mind of them trying to throw a blanket over me as they chased me, in my undies only, around the yard, hushing me while I sang "Too -Ra -Loo-Ra" at the top of my lungs. There was a compassionate "I don't want the neighbors to think/know just how crazy you are" quality to that comment. It was a kindly- meant and actually a "good" suggestion. But...I also knew that comment did not come from a place of understanding that which I am just beginning to understand.
A Flow In Motion
I am not doing this. I am not making this blog happen . It is happening to me and through me and I am just as surprised as anyone else who knows "me" in my personalized, conceptualized form. The only thing I may be doing here is allowing it to happen. That's it. I am cooperating. I did not plan on spending my days, as a fairly well educated, somewhat professional human being sitting here writing a blog about waking up, of all things, and sharing with people I do not know and may never meet things about my spiritual and personal life that I probably wouldn't share with my closest friends. This is not where I planned to be and what I planned to be doing at this point in my life. Then to do it without any extrinsic rewards like "wealth and honor"...I agree "crazy!" . In fact, my readership would be completely embarrassing to my former " externalistic" self..The daily numbers are below five and still here I am. And it just "feels" so much like I am supposed to be here...like I was lead here. I am just cooperating with the movement of flow I have so little control over.
Behind anything that goes wrong, if you can cooperate with that movement that the mind calls "wrong"- great power lies in that. Cooperate instead with the movement that the mind has labelled "bad". You can be sure that it turns around or something reveals itself that is of greater good...Eckhart Tolle
I am cooperating in hope that this is leading us all to greater good but I really have no choice but to cooperate anyway. It would require great resistance , great energy, and even more will power on my part to change what is happening here. It is like there is a river flowing through me and I just have to let it flow. I am just being pulled along with it. When I get up in the morning...I feel the pull and the solid understanding that at some point this morning I will come here and write. It is my main objective and my day will not be complete unless I comply. And when I sit here ...it...whatever "it" is just happens. Sometimes I write about myself and "my "petty problems...and thou ego may feel it is being served by this...I know when I write about my challenges etc it has little to do with "me" as any more than a sample of learning. And sometimes there is no "me" in my writing. Regardless, I just sit, put my fingers on the key board and "it" happens.
I get embarrassed at times by what comes out. And I want to delete it or put it in draft mode but I will "feel" this resounding "No! Leave it! Just leave it...it is not about "you" and your embarrassment." So I do. I leave it though I may be hoping that that entry will not get read. Ironically, those are the entries that tend to get the most readers. lol
I do have a sincere hope this blog it is helping at least one other human being who maybe struggling somewhere ...just one person and I will feel that it is all worth while, even if that person is me. And it is helping me, in ways I never imagined, taking me some place very special and healing. Still, the ego part of me gets frustrated when I see the low readerships, day in and day out and I question, "Why am "I" doing this??? I am just talking to myself. " I will still come here everyday because , like I said, it is almost like I don't have a choice. I am simply being pulled to come here but on those "frustrated" days my energy and motivation will be low. And then I will get a comment from someone, out of the blue, that says, "I read you. I am getting something from this."...I say okay...it is all I need and my energy is revamped. I keep going.
Just Build It...And They Will Come
I do have thoughts or get suggestions from others quite frequently to change blog sites, publicize more, "change the way you write and what you write about and you will attract more readers". Just when I am tempted to do that, I will feel that voice again..."just keep doing what you are doing, it will all be okay" . I am reminded of that line from the movie about the dead baseball players that come to a farmer's cornfield...Field of Dreams...with Kevin Costner: "Build it and they will come" lol
So I am building, what I am not quite sure...and "they"...whoever they are will come. I am not sure "who" will come"...maybe I already have all the perfect readers right now to say I have fulfilled my calling (and I am so grateful for you) or maybe there is more to come. I don't know...none of my business. If there is more to come, I am not sure "why" they will come, "how" many will come or "when" they will come. I am not sure "what" will happen when they get here either...what they or I will get from our meeting up. All I know is I am supposed to build what I am building here...(well...I am supposed to let it be built through me...is a better way of putting it).
Maybe it is all "crazy". Maybe , I am just a step away from running around the yard singing Too-Ra-loo-Ra in my undies. Regardless of how strange and "out there" I or this blog seems to be, I couldn't stop doing it if I tried. Sigh!Looks like I am building a darn baseball field regardless of what anyone, including me, thinks.
All is well!
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