As a spiritual being you fear nothing because you know there is nothing to fear. And all that truly exists in the world is Love. 

Deepak Chopra

I guess the moral of my last two entries...what I have learned is...we do so much better when we do whatever it is we do more lightly. My friends remind me of that.

This is how I want to proceed with the remainder of my physical life: 

I move through my days light-hearted and carefree, knowing all is well. 

Deepak Chora ( n.d.) 21 Day Meditation Challenge for Abundance . Spotify

The Personality and "My Life"

 All too often our personality is nothing more than psychological clothing that we wear to hide our true self [Self]from the world. 

Teal Swan https://kidadl.com/quotes/top-personality-quotes-to-unleash-your-true-self

I spent hours, off and on, yesterday on a big long post related to what I learned that morning in my "listening" practice and in my meditation practice related to a real-life experience I had on Monday but I struggled to put the message out in the way that felt "wholesome and skillful". There are still so many tangled knots in me that truth sometimes gets caught up in on its way out...snagged...you know...so it comes out thready and a bit tangled itself.  I know that when I struggle over an entry...say if it takes more than an hour...if it just doesn't come..."poof"...out, that ego is still lurking around wanting a say. "There is ego slipping in through the back door trying to have its say", I may say to myself at those times.  Other times, I don't recognize that once again I slipped and am allowing ego to come in to take control of my household. My message gets convoluted.  I post it because that is what I do here...but when I recognize the ego nature of it,  I will take it down for either revision or sleepy time. I do my best to remove the ego contribution.  So I will go back to that entry because it is really important and wants to be expressed....I will determine  where "my personality" and "my life" got in the way of the truth wanting to be expressed and revise it with as little ego as possible.  

Hmm! So today I will probably take some of yesterday's learning and today's learning and whip up an entry on "ego" and on this idea of "my life". 

This morning  I listened to Eckhart Tolle in How to Release Yourself From the Grip of Personality. He spoke about how we get mixed up in our understanding of things because we are very attached to these notions of "my personality" and "my life".  When you read, if you read lol, about the little experience I had with my ego on Monday in a social situation...you will see how caught up I was and still am in "my life" and how "my personality" appears to others. These notions very much dominated my communication and my relating.  Ego went in bruised and somewhat broken in some mind- made comparison scale and once or twice attempted to redeem itself by displaying itself as someone who had "knowledge" or was somehow more because I had such suffering and challenge  in my life etc.

The ego strives incessantly for some type of superiority.

Truth is my ego and my personality are dissolving as part of my own transformation. Without it, I feel oh so naked, especially around others who still view me by my personality. I assume my friends have  an idea of me and who and what I am bsed on our shared working past. I don't want to disapoint because I fear that I will belong less than I do now and I do want to belong.  I always wanted to belong. (The process of awakening and dismantling our shells, I am discovering, leaves one feeling very, very vulnerable) . Though I am in the process of stepping away from ego, that doesn't mean my big fat, reactive ego is gone.  No, not at all. It will step in through the back door again and again especially in social situations. It stepped in Monday. Before I went to brunch, ego was telling me I no longer met a certain standard of acceptability, if I ever did.  I didn't belong and in order to belong I had to be a certain way. If I couldn't compare on the material , belonging to a group, postivity level than I would somehow be superior on how I handle  suffering and having "less than" level.  Bizarre, because I don't feel like I am handling the suffering and the having less than very well at all lol . I realize that my sharing of some of the negative experiences was to redeem "me" from my "notion" of being a pesonality that no longer belonged. I unconsciously sought to  redeem and strengthen this idea , and it is only an idea, of me as the  "brave sufferer" in the group. Yes, Life was offering me plenty pf challenges throughout the years  and I did suffer but ego used those challenges as a rationale for why I didn't belong as a personality...too much suffering! Infact, I realize  this was the screen through which I related to these individuals for years.  Whenever I felt vulnerable, at the point of nolonger belonging, I would amplify my personality as the sufferer and my life as one of suffering. That is what fed my ego and kept me imprisoned in my personality. Yuck! 

Personality

What is the personality, anyway? Tolle describes personality as the subtotal of mental and emotional conditioning. He explains that we often describe ourselves by referring to the opinions of us expressed by others over the years, our past, our memories, by the roles we play in society, what we do, what we have accomplished, what we believe, and how we think and feel. He also explains how limiting this is, how when we define like this we confine like this. We can actually imprison ourselves in our own personalities. This idea of the personality of "me" is just a concept!  Just an idea.  When we explain ourselves as distinct, separate "little me's"  we are deriving a sense of who we are from a conceptual mind-made self.  It is just an idea that we support, cling to, and defend.  We need to get that, right? It is just a mental concept in our heads...it is not the experiential reality of who we are. The personality is merely the "surface you". You are much deeper than that. 

"My Life"

What is this idea of "my life" then? He goes on to say that the idea of "my life" is our story.  It is the predominant narration in my mind, that through which I interpret everything I come in contact with...the screen through which I interpret other people, events, places, and things. 

Notions, Not Reality

We are often so attached to these notions and they are just that: notions.  In truth who we are, is so far beyond the personality and its confining nature.  There is no "my life"...there is just Life being breathed through all of us and happening all around us as it has been for billions and billions of years.  Yet these ego-minds cling to the "my" in us as expressions of that Life, as if somehow we are the center all these ancient complicated forces circling around. Man...we are not "It"...we are just an expression of "It" and we get this miraculous opportunity to observe it and experience it.  We get to be a part of all this! The reality of who we are is pretty cool actually...but so many of us are snagged on those tangled knots of ego and are so lost in the screen we cannot see what is behind it. We are so lost in our heads, building and protecting ideas of self, that we do not "experience" Life as the Self. The screen gets in the way of us seeing the world, others, and life circumstances in a clearer view and it prevents us, if we are so lost in those notions of "my personality" and "my life", of seeing who we really are beneath it.  

Sure we have roles here and that is okay and normal to our experience.  We just have to come to see, according to Eckhart Tolle, that those roles are merely our functions for serving Self and humanity, the world, Life.  They are not who we are. 

In the Way

You know, the "you" and the "me" is often in the way of our experience of Life, clouding it, confining it, diminishing it etc. Deepak Chopra explains that gratitude is one of the most effective ways of  getting ego out of the way and getting in touch with the soul.  If we could only learn to see the whole picture beyond our puny ideas of self, if only we could recognize everything we experience s a gift. Life would then be a very sweet experience. 

I love this mindful approach to understanding our personalities: 

By recognizing our patterns and those of others, we begin to understand them all as being impersonal, simply as the playing out of our habitual [and conditioned] tendencies, rather than as the expression of some reified sense of self. They become less of an unconscious prison and more of a playground of transformation.

Joseph Goldstein,  page 237.

All is well! 

Deepak Chopra (.n.d.) 21 Day Meditation Challenge for Abundance. Spotify

Eckhart Tolle (June 28, 2022 ) Release yourself from the Grip of Personality. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnQTridVaTM

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening. Boulder: Sounds True

Positive Psychology Meets Knife in Heart

 Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly. 

GK Chesterton 

Warning: Some boring personal disclosure used to share some important learning

It is a bit cloudy out there today...but the blue sky is beneath it.  I just need to remember that.  All the committed practice, all the devoted effort...and I still often get lost in the cloud cover. That reminds me that  I am not taking Life lightly. There are plenty of times I did, I am sure, when the heaviness of circumstance was lifted and I could breathe and laugh easily.  The first thing I want to do when that heaviness lifts a bit is laugh.  Man, I love to laugh. Why does life circumstance have to change in order for us to laugh freely, I wonder.  Why can we not just find it all humorous? I want to be able to stop taking life so seriously and just laugh at it, you know?  I grew up in a family that did that.  Why can I not tap into that response so easily now?  There were times in my life when laughter was so much easier than it is now ( don't get me wrong...I still laugh a lot...just not as much).  

There were also times when things seemed to be going right and they kept going right for a good long stretch...like I was caught up in the play of the universe that spreads the banquet of abundance before you. (Deepak Chopra). The more positive things I noticed, the more I could have fun with Life and laugh at Life.  The more I did, the more positive and favorable situations appeared around me, as if to support me.Deepak Chopra, in his meditation series listed below, calls this "synchro destiny."  I am recalling such a time. 

I am also thinking about how we ride negative waves sometimes and they too can seem long.  It seems that one challenge hits, and before you have time to catch your breath, another one hits and another and another.  When one rides this wave it is like we are picking up every negative element in the universe.  I have the perception and it is likely a "wrong perception" that I am riding a negative wave of synchro destiny and I just can't seem to get off of it.  I am longing to ride the wave of positivity I recall. 

Why am I so prone to getting lost in the negative, attracting more negative,  after all the work I do to stay positive?  I am taking a positive psychology practitioner course, for goodness sake. Why can I not take Life more lightly and fly like the angels?

I Got a Knife in My Heart.

Thich Nhat Hanh, in Fear, writes that many of us are walking wounded, going around with a great big knife in our hearts from the past. It is really embedded in us, yet we fail to even see that it is there. That is until someone bumps into those knives or certain life events jiggle or add weight to the handle.  Then we feel the searing pain and become "reactive" and defensive.   I was a knife-carrying person most of my life and unknowingly did whatever I could to protect myself from more pain.  Even during the good times, I was very often sensitive and reactive without truly understanding why. I also had a tendency to be consumed by wrong perceptions.

Knife meets Knife -Respecting- Positivity

I recall when I rode the positivity wave for a few years in a row.   After a lot of struggling,  I "spontaneously"  landed my dream job "teaching" in 2004 and I was partnered with this friend... someone who had an infectious and positive personality. We connected and built a history together with an awful lot of laughter in it. She was a person who took Life lightly even if she took her job very seriously.   Though this relationship certainly had its share of ego interruption and reaction to life circumstances, and there have been several "changes" occurring both in the work environment and our lives outside the environment over the years that impacted many things including the relationship...work was fun! Life was fun! I was enjoying being in the rhythm of Life's cosmic dance. (Chopra) Good things seemed to happen (despite the challenges that also popped up)...I earned a really good income doing what I loved to do, I had great students who liked me, I got a house, I got a car, I got pets, and I got my life back it seemed after a marriage that was not healthy.  My "personality" and "my life"  were becoming things I could be proud of. What was being built was certainly "ego's" idea of success and not necessarily what I am now seeing as important...but man it made things easier.  I felt this connection to life's goodness. I trusted that Life had my back. I didn't realize until yesterday just how much that flow had to do with my friend.

Positive Psychology Practitioner 

 This friend  had/has remarkable communication skills and she had a way of making you feel like your positive points were always being lit up and your mistakes somehow were not so bad. I always felt, that  I could do many things well largely due to her cheerleading,encouragement and support...I am sure. She seemed to see something in me I did not see in myself...At first, I did not recognize the character strengths she would point out in me ...but I actually began to look at myself differently, in a more positive light. My personality and my ego were flourishing. 

So as I learn about Positive Psychology from my course, I  have this realization  that she was and is a "Positive Psychology Practioner"  without ever trying to be.  She may not have put me on that wave of positive synchro destiny but she certainly helped to keep me there for as long as I was there. 

Broken Inside

 I was riding the wave, it seemed, of good fortune when I met her and it seemed to last a fairly long time. The whole time I knew her, however, I was, like many of us, also very "broken" on the inside in ways I did not even understand.    Even though I was only vaguely beginning to understand in that stage of my development, that I was very broken and beat down by Life, this internal brokenness impacted everything I did.  I had that knife in me.  It didn't go away or fall out. I just wasn't focusing on it or "pain" so much during those good times. I am not sure if my friend ever  noticed the knife handle sticking out of my chest or the blood I dripped everywhere because she seldom bumped into it. It was like she was intuitively sensing it and respecting it.  I  didn't feel quite as broken, in those earlier years I worked with her.  I felt stronger, more capable. External challenges were still there, in fact, they seemed to be increasing but Life was something  I had come to believe I could handle.  There was this flow of positivity under everything Life  offered in those years. 

 I see now, how that had a lot to do with her. Even though the life challenges continued to plop down into this river of positivity making it a bit murky and negative, and even though it occasionally got very hard to swim,  there was always a current of "I got your back!  You can do this! " Somehow and in some way, she added the positivity to the river we floated on even when things got tough.  And they got tough! But I flourished.   I flourished greatly because of her positivity.

Riding the Ups and Downs

Well Life has a wave-like motion to it, this synchro destiny too seems to have a wave-like motion to it. Sometimes we are up, sometimes we are down.  Sometimes we flourish and sometimes we languish.  

Well as the years went on...this arrow in my heart continued to get beat around enough so that I could no longer deny its presence.   I started to see how "unwell" I was because of it. How it created great fear in me and how that fear was always there affecting my decisions and actions. I got sick. The events in my life  seemed to get more challenging and negative ( or at least my focus was on the challenging and negative things).  The flow of positivity was still there under my feet but I didn't recognize it, let alone appreciate it, too busy was I on focusing on what was going "wrong"and what I had to fix. Ego, which was starting to die, was clinging to anything it could get a hold of so it wouldn't perish.  I found myself full of resentment and anger for people and circumstances who I blamed for not helping me fix my body and my external situations when all along it was this knife that had to come out that was the real problem. I started losing all those things that were a part of my positive wave and I resented it...I was not where I am now in the understanding of the impermanence of things. I felt gently pushed out of the work team picture, out of a group I so loved belonging in. I felt like I no longer belonged.  I  did not see my incessant need to prevent the knife from being bumped as the possible cause for my sense of not belonging and told myself that it was because my life was too heavy for others.  Man I was a mess. I kept getting sicker.   I actually thought everything would settle once I left work.  It didn't.  Sure I am able to rest more and my body feels better, but I cut myself off from a lot of positivity.  I realize how I miss that flow of positivity under my feet that my friend inspired somehow. Where is the positive synchro destiny I once enjoyed with or because of ( not sure which) my friend? 

Hesitant to Contaminate; Afraid Knife Might Get bumped

So once or twice a year she and I and another friend/former colleague who also added warmth and positivity to my working experience, get together. My Positive Psychology Practitioner friend invited us to brunch yesterday.  Since I am in the process of removing this knife that is not yet completely out of my heart and I am a bloody mess, dealing with that and the other life events that have arisen since our last meeting without the pseudo protection of a once intact ego-personality, I debated about going to brunch yesterday. My thought was, "Why would they care if I went on a good day...let alone when I am so bloody "messy" right now? I really don't belong anymore, do I? I don't want to ruin their afternoon. "

I also had selfish reasons for debating if I should go.  What if they bump my knife? Judge me for it? Say then and there that I could not belong because of it? I had a lot of "wrong perceptions". 

 At the same time, I wanted to see them, wanted to pick up some of that warmth and positivity I usually get from them, to be reminded of that part of my life that was filled with laughter and lightness and belonging. So I went and somewhere along the line I blurted out a few of these experiences that were weighing me down, sliming them with "my life".   It is bad enough that I am perceiving myself in a negative flow, but I certainly do not want to take others on it. 

Regardless, it was a lovely afternoon! There was warmth, lightness, positivity, and laughter and I walked away feeling like, maybe I still do belong and that there is hope for me yet.

Moral?

Anyway...what is the moral of this big long spiel crazy lady? 

It was supposed to be about the positive effect, positivity from others can have on our own perception of brokenness and how it can enhance our life satisfaction. This one experience of enhanced life satisfaction can be the beginning of positive synchro destiny.  It can take us on a nice long ride down the positivity river. At the same time, however, we need to accept that we may have a knife in our hearts and if we do, we and we alone have to remove that knife.  Until we do we are going to be pulled back again and again from the positive flow to the negative flow of synchro destiny. 

Hmmm! Big long spiel when all I could have written was: got together for lunch with friends yesterday and it was lovely.  I realized how much of a positive influence they had on me, even in my brokenness, and how  I missed having it and them in my life.  Dealing with the brokenness on top of some heavy situations now, and it is pretty messy.  Did not want to slime them in any way but I went to the brunch regardless and dropped a few slime bombs.  I must look into the true motivation behind doing that.  Hope they can forgive me. I hope I can forgive myself. I must tell them how much I appreciate them.

All is well.  

Deepak Chopra (n.d.) 21 Day Meditation Challenge for Abundance. Spotify

Thich Nhat Hanh ( ) Fear. Audio book Spotify.

Eckhart Tolle ( January, 2022) Is Your Awakening Taking Too Long?/Eckhart Tolle Teachings https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCcmr6WrrUI

Alan Watts (May, 2022) Lust For Life https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HPjUUplIIg

How Can I Serve?

 

There is a way I can fulfill my true purpose in Life.

Deepak Chopra

We all have unique gifts, talents, or abilities. How can I best use these gifts to serve the world?  This is the question we need to ask ourselves on a daily basis. Do you know what your "gifts" are?  These gifts I believe not only serve others but they serve these entities we call "me" as well.  They can make "the heart soar ", and fill us with passion and fulfillment simply by doing them.  It is said that when what we love to do matches what others need...that is our purpose, our dharma.  Hmmm! I wonder if I am offering what is needed,  if I am using my so-called abilities for the greater good.  I truly want to do that.  

Even bigger questions we need to ask on a daily basis are: How can I help?  How can I serve? 

I am asking...I am asking.

All is well.

Deepak Chopra ( n.d.) 21 Day Meditation Challenge for Abundance. Spotify

Letting Go of the Need to Arrange Life

 As I let go of the need to arrange my life the universe brings abundant good to me. 

Deepak Chopra

I am not sure about the abundant good, coming my way, but I do see how attempting to arrange my life just leads to more stress and frustration than necessary.  Letting go of that tendency will bring abundant peace. 

If only we could: accept uncertainty and witness that which spontaneously springs forth from it. 

All is well

Deepak Chopra (n.d.) 21 Day Abundance Meditations  Spotify 

No-Fear and Understanding Death

 We must first understand the true nature of dying before we can understand the nature of living.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Okay,  that quote above may not be exactly how it was worded in Fear and I apologize to all concerned.  I was listening to the audio version as I sat with my tea this morning and, of course,  as I do whenever I hear something that resonates within me, I have this urge to write it down.  All I had was a dying pencil and an old envelope to jot it down on. Well, by the time I finished listening to this chapter I had the envelope covered inside and out with my scribbly writing which is hard to make out on a good day. So many beautiful tidbits of wisdom captured on that folded piece of paper that I wanted to share and I can barely read it. lol.  A bit of sound advice for any readers will be to always go back to the source.  

Anyway, he relayed the beautiful story of how two of the Buddha's monks and disciples went to help relieve suffering in a devoted follower and businessman (cannot even begin to spell out that name...but will come back with all names and extra details).  To help ease his physical and emotional pain due to the very normal fear of encroaching death, the monks guided the Buddha's friend through this meditation.  Though it is somewhat paraphrased from what I heard, it would go something like this: 

This disintegration of the body is not me.

This body is not me.

I am not caught in this body.

I am life without limits,boundaries

These eyes are not me,

I am not caught in these eyes.

These ears are not me.

I am not caught in these ears.

This nose is not me

I am not caught in this nose.

This tongue is not me.

I am not caught in the tongue.

This mind is not me 

I am not caught in the mind

This body is not me 

I  am not caught in the body.

I am life without limits.

The sights I see are not me.

I am not caught in the sights.

The sounds I hear are not me.

I am not caught in these sounds.

The smells I smell are not me.

I am not caught in these smells.

The tastes I taste are not me.

I am not caught in these tastes.

The contacts with the body are not me.

I am not these contacts.

The thoughts I think are not me.

I am not these thoughts.

This body is not me,

I am not caught in this body.

I am life without boundaries.

The decaying of this body

does not mean the end of me.

I am not limited to this body. 

Of course,  there are many more versions of this in Thich Nhat Hanh's teachings but this is what I scribbled down as Thich Nhat Hanh relayed the meditation in his book. These monks helped this dying man through his suffering, with great success in alleviating his fear.  

Thich Nhat Hanh expressed that he wanted us to understand that if we could look at death in this way, see that we are not our bodies, our minds, our senses, or what our senses pick up, to see that we are not going to lose the essence of who we are when our bodies expire we would finally be free from fear and suffering. 

There is no coming and going, no being or nonbeing, no birth or death of what we truly are.  The body, when the conditions are sufficient will manifest, and when the conditions are no longer sufficient it will cease to be seen and felt by our consciousness. Our form presentation will change but who we really are won't. Just like water that is evaporated into a cloud, is still water when it leaves the lake, is still water when it is the cloud, is still water when it comes back down to the earth as rain or snow, and is still water when it freezes into ice, or when the ice melts to become ripples on the lake again.  The water never came and the water never left; it was not born and it will not die.  Its form is constantly changing but what it is, simply is. That is us too.

If we knew that, truly knew that, there would be no fear of death and with no fear of death, there would be no fear at all. 

I love this from the Vasisthas as recited by Deepak Chopra in The Secrets of Healing: 

The Self does not go, nor does it come, for space and time derive their meaning from consciousness alone...Where can the Self go when all that is, is within it. The unreal has no existence and the real does not cease to exist.  

When the infinite vibrates the worlds appear to emerge.  When it does not vibrate the worlds appear to submerge, even as when a torch is spun fast a firey circle appears and when it is held steady, the circle vanishes.  Vibrating or not vibrating, it is the same everywhere, at all times.  Not realizing it, we are subject to delusion.  When it is realized all cravings and anxieties vanish.

Vibrating or not vibrating, emerging into or submerging from the physical form, we are always the same.

It is entirely possible to live happily and to die peacefully. 

Hmmm! 

All is well.

Thich Nhat Hanh (n.d. ) Fear: Essential Wisdom For Getting Through the Storm. Audio Version. Spotify

Deepak Chopra & Adam Plack (n.d. )The Secrets of Healing. Spotify

Submitting For Publication

 When I sit down to write a book, I do not say,"I am going to produce a work of art". I write it because there is some lie I want to expose, some fact to which I want to draw attention.

George Orwell

Mostly I write for the same reason Orwell does.  I want others to "see" what I see in regards to an injustice I witnessed or was a part of, a truth of some kind I realized, and believe others will benefit from realizing or just to share something beautiful. 

I wrote a book that did all that...I believe, anyway. 

I finally, after 6-7 years of playing around with, putting away for "other things", ignoring, editing, revising, scrapping, and rewriting... sent out a sample of the book I wrote for my sister.  This book was so challenging but was so demanding to be written.  I struggled partially because it will never be good enough It represents something so precious to me...my time with my sister. ...and how do you capture that and do it justice?  I knew though that I had to send it out...at least a sample of it to begin to let go of that energy somehow.  So I submitted to one publisher and will not submit elsewhere for three months. I had this feeling of "Wow!" when I pressed the submit button.  I have never struggled over anything else I have written like I struggled with this.  It was so personal maybe...so real... yet it probably won't seem real to people who read it.  Truth is often stranger than fiction.  I did whip it into a fiction piece...(based on real-life events) ..but is so full of my memory of life with my sister it floats on truth. 

It's done. I celebrated it being done with a half-glass of wine that has been on my counter for a month now. Getting to this point of writing this book, after pouring my heart into it, twisting and turning over it for as long as I did deserves some type of celebration.  Of course, if it does get considered, and the editor wants to see the full manuscript,  I will have to go back to the rest of it and make it as perfect as I can. So I am not quite "done"  the work yet...but the story is down and it is being released, at least in part.   That is something. 

All is well! 

Freedom: From Personality's Wave to Water

 You do not need to waste your time doing those things that  are unnecessary and trifling. You do not need to be rich.  You do not need to seek fame or power. What you need is freedom, solidity,  peace and joy. You need the time and energy to share these things with others.

Thich Nhat Hanh.

As is the way with synchronicity, the events of yesterday and today, one by one in some perfect order I will never be able to understand, have lead me to that quote, to wise words that would resonate within me with a lovely reminder of truth.  I have been wasting my time, precious time, that I am not sure how much I have left of on the unnecessary and trifling.  Again that feeling of "running out of time...need to get the "important" things done",   has entered my experience. ( As it has many times in the past...and I am still here lol). I have been spending precious life energy worrying about my finances, among other things and struggling to attain some type of readership.   Why?

Wanting Freedom

I do  not need riches...just sustainability.  I do not need fame ...just to know that what I am doing is reaching its target.  I do not need power...just a sense of safety and security....but maybe even this is "unnecessary and trifling"? I know what I truly need...what we all truly need is that freedom from suffering brought on by our by our minds, our ego's need to gain power and control, to create drama, to react, to stuff down all that is unpleasant and to cling so desperately to all that is pleasant creating one big knot of tangled up life experiences to process through. 

I want to be knot free. I want that freedom, more than I want my financial situation to rectify itself, more than I want material wealth of any kind. I want that freedom more than I want publication or readership, more than I want any type of control or power over Life. That is why I am here...doing what I am doing.  Yet, I keep slipping back into ego's world of collecting grievances, resisting what is and making a mess of things inside, if not outside too. 

Yesterday, as I was walking, I had a taste of this freedom.  It came about spontaneously, without any effort from me. And it was lovely.  I was free.  I was solid.  I was  not only experiencing peace and joy, I was peace and joy??? Bizarre really. As soon as I got home it slipped away and I was back in busy, reactive mind that was so desperate to make sense of my overly busy world again. 

Freedom from the Heavy Personality

Upon listening to Eckhart Tolle this morning talk about how we need to forgive in order to finally reach enlightenment he said something that reminded me of what I was experiencing yesterday...He was talking about this happening in terms of our relating to people who we had grievances against but it also applied to my experience yesterday.  It is like suddenly we are freed from the heavy personality and something deeper shines through...you have become conscious. In those moments, I was freed from personality and my personality lately was the size of a bull elephant. It was hard to carry around. In those moments of walking,I wasn't lost in "me"...there was this feeling of "lightness"...a feeling of being  lighter and being light-er.  Something came through. 

Two Dimensions: Wave and Water

Then...in the series of events that lead up to the point I read the above quite, I was listening to Thich Nhat Hanh, in Fear,  explain the two dimensions of reality, of Life.  He said there is  a historical dimension and an Ultimate dimension.  Historical dimension is, of course, our story, the past  we have collected and the future we are anticipating.  It is  full of beginnings and endings, comings and goings, beings and non beings, highs and lows.  We can compare this dimension to a wave on the ocean...with a crest and a trough.  Sometimes that wave is high and and sometimes it is low...sometimes we can barely see it.  This wave sees itself as separate from all other waves and from its Source. Because of that , it fears the ups and downs, the comings and the goings...It doesn't know what will happen next so its afraid of the future and is afraid of the past that may have affected its perspective. 

We are this wave when we are lost in ego mind...when we are lost in an idea of self.

The wave is riding on a vast ocean of water. That water is the Ultimate dimension, is everything that is.  In its depth is this freedom, solidity, peace and joy we all really want  There is no comings and goings, no births, no deaths, no highs or lows. That water on the surface manifests itself in so many waves.  Each wave, however, is that water. The water is in the wave without the ideas and beliefs that it is separate or alone.  It is only  the wave that creates those notions, not the water.  The water knows what it is.  The wave doesn't.

The trick is for the wave to see that it is the water.  We first must do that by practicing in this historical dimension...seeing how mind works clearly, recognizing and living with the duality.  We observe everything, allow everything even the fear that is so much a part of this dimension. We observe it all. Then we fall back into the water that we are, and from there we observe again, this time as water,  instead of wave. The duality disappears and so does the fear.

Hmmm! How beautiful is that?

So once again I am sharing my puny little experience to emphasize to you and to me...what I am learning about truth, about Life.  I hope, though,  you are able to observe your own life and discover this wisdom for yourself.

All is well. 

Thich Nhat Hanh ( nd) Fear:Essential Wisdom For Getting Through the Storm. . Audio book. Spotify 

Eckhart Tolle (May, 2022) How Not Forgiving Can Delay Your Awakening. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wcn5uIZBqXU

Self and Potentiality

 Through the law of pure potentiality I can create anything, any time, anywhere. 

Deepak Chopra

Warning: Some self-disclosure involved. 

I am reciting that today as it was the centering thought for Day 8 of Deepak Chopra's 21 Day Meditation for Abundance. I have done this meditation series before and I also read the book he referred to today as well, The Seven Secret's to Spiritual Success. He mentioned the book, I felt compelled to write the title down, then suddenly  I remembered I read it 12 years ago and that I have it in my collection of many, many books I have read in hope they would improve my situation...so I went and found it.  I began reading it again. 

So I am wondering what Confucius would have to say about my reciting that mantra when he did not believe, it seemed, in any law outside man made order and ren ( our natural inclination to do good). He did not believe in divine orders like the law of potentiality, karma  or destiny  as the cause of what we were able to manifest or not manifest. He saw the reality of poverty but I am still not quite sure if he was saying that the poor should be ashamed for their situations or that the powers that be should be ashamed for allowing poverty...and right in this moment,  I am not quite keen on his very internalistic view of sucking it up and finding satisfaction in that situation, even though that has been what I have been attempting to do as a part of my own spiritual practice for decades now. Obviously, I am not settling in to what is in my life the way I have been training myself to do.  I am doing an abundance meditation, for goodness sake. What does that say?  Repeating to myself and to anyone who will listen: Through the law of potentiality I can create anything, any time, anywhere. I am trying to use whatever means  I can to change my situation. :)

I Want my Situation to Change 

I have been observing my mind as I was walking the dogs today, trying to get to see the knower in there while I watched what my mind was doing with my object of consciousness, this increasingly turbulent situation.  The more I put attention on it, the more I stirred it up making it go from neutral to "unpleasant" very fast.  And all the other things I got going on just jumped right in. I had the familiar knot in my gut, the clenching of my jaw...I felt tense!  So I saw this all happening and felt it wanting to accompany me as I headed out. Then something happened.  I watched as a part of me just breathed, just concentrated on each step, noticed the flowers, the trees, the beautiful sky emerging after days of cloud cover, as I felt and listened to the breeze. Each step was slow and effortless without me putting any effort in to make it so ( lol).  There was no words...well maybe a few but I gently  observed them, and labelled them as "thinking" and watched as  they just went away. Then I was back to my step and what I was noticing.  My whole body felt unusually light.  And I found myself walking at a delightful slow pace that I was not accustomed to. It was very pleasant.

Now on the way one of the thoughts grouped in the pile of "thinking" was the thought  that I had another book to read. "Oh maybe this one will be the one to take me from this...to change it all once and for all." And I had this "aha" realization... I could suddenly see how I reach for spiritual and personal development books like an alcoholic reaches for a drink.  I want something to drown my worry in...something to push all the "yucky's " back down.Hope that the book I am about to read will give me some great insight that I can change my life with, does that.  I have used these types of books my entire life and the thought of this book was renewing in me that familiar "hope" .  It was going to either change my life or it was going to distract me from my life.  Now this thought, "Oh you are about to use this book as a means to push down those uncomfortable feelings you have about your situation that are emerging."  just came in...poof...it was gone.  I did not cling to the realization...I just watched it come in ...get grouped with all the other thoughts under that label "thinking" and then leave. I was back to enjoying my walk. 

Self Referral

I wish I could deal with life for the rest of my life in the same way I  was somehow dealing with it on my walk.  I was amazingly mindful and peaceful despite what my habit mind wanted to do and I didn't try to be.  It just happened. I was experiencing what Chopra would call, Self-referral. 

It wasn't until I came home that the uncomfortable feelings re-emerged...and sure enough, there was that desire to stuff them down by reading this book.  I even read the first chapter. Then I said, "No!  Feel!" 

Can we feel without object referral?

You see, I don't know what to feel and experience.  I am still lost in story. So many events of dramatic quality have unfolded in front of me since January ( many more before) and I am still trying to put it all into concepts.  I am still trying to just allow them in. I am writing the story but not  yet reading it out loud, let alone experiencing it  and feeling it.  I think this is what happens when we face so many challenges at once, when our attention is on too many objects at once , maybe?  

I have the opportunity to share my experience with someone tomorrow and I don't know where to begin. There is just too much.  What is important is not the story, not the thoughts  but the feeling experience...just so I don't stuff what wants to come up back down...those feelings need to be felt and released. 

Without the story, what would I feel, I wonder.  Can we even feel without some type of story attached? Can we  simply talk about how we  feel and not about all the crazy things that happened and are happening? Can we experience without referring to the external objects we believe lead to our feelings? 

Object Referral 

As I was prior to my walk and afterwards, many of us are lost in what Deepak Chopra refers to as "object referral" . In object referral we are always influenced by objects outside the Self, which include situations, circumstances, people and things. ...we feel an intense need to control things. we have an intense need for external power. The need for approval, the need to control things, and the need for external power are needs that are based on fear. ... Being ego based power, it lasts only as long as the object of reference is there. 

This book was an object of referral. I was going to use this little book and the hope it would help me  to regain ego power. This book was going to teach me how to fix my life as all the other books were going to do.  That is not going to happen! While I am reading it, I will truly enjoy it and I will learn from it and share what I learn...but it is not going to change  Life...and it is only going to keep me from feeling what I don't want to feel for as long as I am reading it.  It's a short book. 

I can read this book but I do not need it. I need to get back to Self! 

Experiencing Self/ Experiencing Potentiality 

What was happening on my walk, much to my surprise, was a pure experience of Self. When we experience the power of the Self, there is an absence of fear, there is no compulsion to control, and no struggle for approval or external power. 

How did I go there without trying to?

Well Self is connected to this invisible field of potentiality. There is no separation.  We can access it  by doing several things Deepak Chopra tells us: by spending time in nature ( I was surrounded by nature), by practicing silence ( I was alone and silent), by meditating ( I was doing a very easy informal walking meditation), and by practicing non-judgement (I have been practicing putting away "Bad, wrong, shouldn't be for months now).

And when you are grounded in the knowledge of your true Self-when you really understand your true nature-you will never feel guilty, fearful, or insecure about money , or affluence, or fulfilling your desires, because you will realize the essence of all material wealth is life energy, it is pure potentiality. And pure potentiality is your intrinsic nature. 

All is well! 

Deepak Chopra ( 1994) The Seven spiritual Laws of Success. California: Amber-Allan/New World 

Deepak Chopra 21 Day Meditation for Abundance. Spotify 

Confucius Said....

 You, shall I teach you about knowledge? What you know, you know, what you don't know, you don't know. This  is knowledge! 

Confucius.

Anyway...I like the above  passage from Odes about knowledge .  Automatically, it brought to mind, a limerick from Alan Watts that I  heard yesterday: 

There was a young man that said though,

it seems that I know that I know

but what I would like to see  

is the I that knows me

when I know that I know that I know. 

Alan Watts

We are more knowledgeable when we recognize we know little and accept that there is so much we do not know.  Socrates would agree with that.  The important thing is not in how much we know by knowing "things" but knowing the "knower" of those things or the knower who doesn't know. Who is this "I" that knows or doesn't know?  That question takes us beyond knowledge to wisdom.

Why Am I Thinking About Confucius? 

I started thinking about Confucius today after listening to Eckhart Tolle in the video below.  I was never quite sure about him.  His teachings, though wise and practical, always seemed to be lacking in something and I am not quite sure what it is. Maybe it was the assumption I make that he was more concerned about knowledge and blind obedience to parents and authority than he was about the wisdom that transcends knowing. He seemed to be lacking in "soul" , that higher dimension of consciousness. I don't know.    Lao Tzu, on the other hand, (if he was one person or a collection of many voices we are not quite sure),t he or they walked the planet around the same time Confucius did...and those teachings resonate with me more than Confucius' do.  I am sure they influenced each other in some way because Confucius does refer to the Tao once or twice in his Analects. 

Did Confucius Say It Was Shameful To Be Poor? 

It is a shameful matter to be poor and humble when the Way prevails in the state. Equally,it is shameful matter to be rich and noble when the Way falls into disuse in the state. Lau (8:13)

So here he refers to that invisible force or flow that moves everything along: The Tao or the Way in reference to a person's economic and social status. I think he sees it more as "justice" than an energy that flows beneath the surface of all things though. I think he is saying, if the nation, state, country or whatever that a person lives in is based on just, altruistic principals (In the Way)...then there should be no poverty...there should be an equal distribution of wealth.  If the state is corrupt, however, there should be no people who are much richer than the majority  because that would mean that the well-to-do  are taking advantage or partially responsible for the corruption.  This reminds me of the unequal distribution of wealth that takes place in our world today  and makes me question, who then should be ashamed?  The poor, indicating that the nations, governments etc around us are altruistic and benevolent and those with less must be doing something "wrong" if they have no wealth? Or the rich for taking advantage of  or even causing this unequal distribution indicating that our nations and political systems are corrupt...or at least not as altruistic and benevolent as they could be? 

Though I am not as "poor and humble" as many in this world  , I certainly am not "rich and noble" so is Confucius saying that I should be ashamed by my status, that my being here is my fault and has nothing to do with the system around me.  The system is providing, I am just not tapping into that provision? Or is he saying, the system is corrupt and others are benefiting from my lack of...and they should be ashamed? (Man...I just  made Confucius a part of my narcissistic world lol) 

Is the Way Prevailing when There Is Still So Much Poverty? 

Do you think the Way is prevailing in our nations today? And that those with less are simply not tapping into the abundance that is there for them to tap into?  Or do you think the Way is not being honored or followed and as nations we are lacking in benevolence and justice and altruism...we are lacking in higher consciousness? 

That brings me to this:

Zi Ghong asked, "What do you think of a poor man who doesn't grovel and a rich man who isn't proud?" Confucius said, "They are good but not as good as a poor man who is satisfied and a rich man who loves propriety ." 

What is he saying to me  here ("me" ....yes these analects were written just for me lol) ? Basically, what he is saying is "Suck it up buttercup!" It is virtuous to be satisfied with one's lot in life even if it involves poverty and it is good to appreciate, love,  our blessings when we get them.  I see some truth in that. At least he is not shaming me ( and all others in situations similar to mine) for being here like the above quote seemed to do. 

Is it Destiny Or Because We Deserve it? 

Confucius did use the word "ren" a lot which can be translated to mean our natural and innate desire to be good... and he said....

The Master (Confucius) seldom spoke about advantage in connection with destiny or in connection with ren.

In other words, Confucius did not ever say that our circumstances or blessings were a result of fate ( karma) or were they dependent on how good we were. Is that something I wanted to hear or not?  Don't know.

Anyway, I am rambling on about Confucius and  you can read all this for yourself and come up with your own level of "knowledge" or lack of.  Best I don't  confuse you or myself any longer. :) 

All is well. 

The Analects of Confucius – Lun Yu VIII. 13. (201) –http://wengu.tartarie.com/wg/wengu.php?l=Lunyu&no=201

The Analects of Confucius Translated by A. Charles Muller [Updated: 2021-12-01+09:00] http://www.acmuller.net/con-dao/analects.html

Eckhart Tolle ( June 21, 2022) Understanding Confucius Teachings With Eckhart Tolle https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHNNXlburrU

Alan Watts (June, 2022 ) Your Attitude Creates Your Reality. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kbq_xs_2Wk

 

Rays Of Consciousness

 Consciousness is the emanation of God, just as a beam of light is the emanation of the sun.

I began my practice today by listening to Eckhart Tolle in, How to Become More Conscious, remind all us listeners that we don't have or get  consciousness, we are consciousness.  This consciousness, he goes on to say, emanates from the Source of all Life.  

Are we God then?  

Now that is a very tricky question to ask in this world where belief and dogma, and our conceptualization of it, is adhered to with great ferociousness, and even trickier to answer.  What Tolle says in his very diplomatic way is, "Kind of".  A ray of light is not the sun but at the same time it is. It is a very reduced, condensed and seemingly separate part of that great, almighty source from which it came. The same would go for us as expressions of our source. 

Others may be less diplomatic in their explanations. We all have a soul and a  soul, as Gary Zukav wrote in, The Seat of the Soul, is a micro or a reduced part of the macro. You are an individual energy system, a micro of a macro. As part of the micro, you have all the power of the macro calibrated to an individual form of certain energies. (page 164) You have always been because  what it is that you are  is God, or Divine Intelligence, but God takes on individual forms, droplets, reducing its power to small particles of individual consciousness. (page 173)  

God is too Great  for us to be...yet we are expressions of God, therefore we have that consciousness energy,  in us. We are not just conscious then, we are consciousness. 

Are we separate and individual then?

Most of us grow up believing, Tolle explains, that we are disconnected fragments of the hostile universe. We may see ourselves as a separate little wave on a vast and turbulent ocean, not realizing our inseparable  connection to that ocean that all waves are simply manifestations of. We may see ourselves as a separate ray of light, distinct and separate from all the other rays of light, forgetting that we are light and all light originates from the same source. Though it seems we are separated from each other by our body lines, our geography and our different view points and beliefs we are not separate because we share the same infinite consciousness. 

I also listened to Alan Watts point out  in Your Attitude Creates Your Reality, that though it seems like we are so separate from all around us becasue we all have different view points  ...we aren't.  We are, actually,  all points of view growing out of the center of consciousness. We share the same center.  How can we be separate then? 

Ego or God?

Would you be a hostage to the ego or host to God? ACIM

So within us we have the consciousness, the energy of God. We have somehow, however, buried our realization of this under layers of ego stuff: our mental modifications, our belief that we are separate beings at the mercy of a dangerous  world and  a sense we are disconnected from   Source.  Because of this we live life  controlled by our fears , ready and waiting in  defense and attack mode, struggling  to make the world something that suits us and protects us from pain. We suffer. 

So what do we do , crazy lady?

When we are finally fed up with suffering...we seek to put an end to it.  We use it to transcend . (Well that is what "I" am trying to do...but what do I know.) We begin to put our energy toward  seeking to remove that which clouds our vision. We do as Patanjali suggests, control the rising of the mind into ripples...We look deeply at all the ego stuff we have been trapped beneath , the old habits of mind and observe, then realize once and for all how unwholesome they are, how they hold us back, blocking the energy that is meant  to flow through all of us.  Then we make a commitment to be a host to God, every moment of every day. ...to be open,observing, allowing, and constantly relaxing and releasing   This requires practice:  deprogramming and reprogramming, de-conditioning and reconditioning.  It involves letting go of who we thought we were for who we really are. Hmmm! 

You are a beam of light, and therefore you are light.  You are a wave on the ocean, you therefore are the ocean.  You are an expression of Infinite Consciousness, you therefore are consciousness.

You are that! 

We all need to remember that truth! 

All is well! 

ACIM

Eckhart Tolle ( May , 2022) How to Increase Consciousness. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMjE6laMQ-8 

Alan Watts (June, 2021) Your Attitude Creates Your Reality https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1kbq_xs_2Wk 

 Gary Zukav (2014) The Seat of the Soul. Simon & Schuster: New York

Questions About the Most Wholesome Approach

 Yesterday I was clever , so I wanted to change the world.  Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. 

Rumi

I am not sure how wise I am but I do want to make changing myself...the way I react to Life...my priority. What about you? 

 Sure, I would like to change the world...make the world a better place for all. I would like it if external situations supported this process a little more, supported me in this physical form a little more so I could do that,  but I really, really get it that I don't have to change the world.  I couldn't if I tried. 

Changing Self; Not the World

I can, however,  improve my relationship with the world, offer back Love, compassion and peace...instead of fear, anger and resistance....which would definitely have a ripple effect creating more positivity out there and in "me".  Then again, I cannot offer these things until they are freely flowing through me.  They cannot flow through me freely until I let go of all the knotted crap I stuffed on top of it...the samskaras.  I cannot get rid of the suppressed and repressed stuff until I learn to stop resisting it and pushing it back down whenever the external events I encounter trigger it .  In order to do that, I need to truly see what I do "in here" in reaction to the world "out there", recognize my samskaras when they start to emerge, observe this mind of mine and how it works.  Then I need to learn to accept and allow;  relax and release into what is, into this inner and outer world as it is.  That requires that I  change myself. 

Wow! Quite a process, eh? 

Internalistic or Interactionalistic: Questions!

Lately,  I have been feeling very confused, questioning the internalistic versus the interactionalistic approach to Life.  (I have pushed the externalistic approach away...seeing no benefit in that). I was questioning if I understood what the great masters were teaching  in regards  to the most wholesome  approach.  Are they suggesting that we should  focus totally inward, convincing ourselves that we do not need anything from the outer world in order to be happy, fulfilled and to live the "good life"?  That true peace is not conditional, not dependent on physical world things because it is completely an inner experience? That if we do the work, we can find peace, joy and happiness no matter what the world offers?  We do not need to "desire" anything or push away anything?  All experiences should have the same "neutral"  effect on us?  Everything we need  is  already right here within us? Everything else is just illusion?   

Or, are they telling us, we  should recognize that, though we are not our bodies or  our minds, we are in bodies with minds that think and feel, bodies that are interdependent on everything around us.  Therefore we do need to recognize our need for external support in order to be at peace. It is okay, then,  to want things to be different than they are as long as we are not attached to outcome and can still find peace with Life as it is right here and now? As long as we are doing the work of making inner worlds  healthy, we can find some type of comfort in the outer world?  

So...if that is the case... is it okay to "desire" sometimes and to resist sometimes?  Am I just not understanding these two terms, desire and aversion, correctly? 

The followers of the internalistic view would likely agree with what I chanted in meditation today, "Everything I desire is within me". They may use the word "desire" and teach that I can "manifest" what I want from life simply by putting my intention on it. My being is not dependent on the outer world; my outer world is dependent on my inner one...in fact, it is just a manifestation of it.  Now a lot of ancient Hindu and Yogic scriptures teach that (as well as some new age stuff) . And in a sense, Jesus taught this...by saying that if we focus first on finding the Kingdom of God...before we even worry about  feeding  ourselves or clothing  ourselves...we will get what we need. It will just appear without any effort from us. It will be added-on. I love this but is this the approach to take?

The interactionalists would probably adhere to another often cited Christian teaching, Be in the world, but not of it. Though realizing and reconnecting with the part of us that is not of this world: the True Self, the soul, the inner dimension, the higher consciousness, the Shakti etc within, is our priority, we still are "in" this world so we need to function in it.  Therefore we do need to "do" things to make our experiences and the experiences of others better, take action sometimes, want, and ask and push away sometimes. Again, it is okay to want our situation to be better and we can take steps to making it better as long as we are not doing so reactively but from a place of calm awareness. 

What about this statement? What approach is it taking? 

The moment in front of you is not bothering you.  You are bothering yourself about the moment in front of you. 

Michael Singer

I get confused about these categories and what the teachings I am hearing are actually saying in regards to the best approach..  One teacher I have been listening to a lot because I absolutely love what he has to say and how he says it, is Michael Singer.  Is Michael Singer, who resonates with true yogic philosophy, an internalist or an interactionalist? 

Does It Really Matter? 

Maybe the biggest question I need to ask is, why am I so hung up on this lol? Do we really need to categorize anything? Do we need to put ourselves and our approach, or the teachings of others into one of these boxes? I hope not because I seem to flitter and flutter between both approaches.  Hmmm! What about you? 

All is well!

Michael Singer/ Sounds True (June, 2022) Are You In There? Michael Singer On Insights At the Edge. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpbVOWzCO8A

Detachment and Prioritizing

 Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  .....Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Matthew 6:25-34 ESV 

I  wasn't sure what to write today but what comes to mind is the passage from Matthew that I copied  yesterday and this, for whatever reason, that I found scribbled in the few notes I jotted down while listening to the audio version of Thich Nhat Hanh's beautiful book, Fear: 3 robes, an alms bowl, a water filter and a mat. 

Say what, crazy lady? 

Those few things were the only possessions allotted to the Buddha's disciples.  And they had it good compared to Jesus' disciples. 

He [Jesus]  told them: "Take nothing for the journey-no staff, no bag, no bread, no money, no extra shirt."  Luke 9:3

No Possessions; No Attachments

Why were these followers forbidden to bring anything besides the minimal with them on their journeys?  Were they being asked to renounce all attachment that does not serve? Were they meant to remove all attachment to the external,  material world so they could better embrace the internal one?  Were they being asked to understand, at the experiential level, that life was more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Were they expected to have enough faith to trust that they would be provided for? Was this a  test of that faith, a test they would pass if they did not give into the very human tendency to be anxious without? Was this a way of allowing them to delve into the "priority" of their life experience---to seek first the kingdom of God or the Pureland and then all the things of the material world will be added on? By then, would they realize those once cherished materials and luxuries they were once so attached to,  had so little meaning compared to what they gained? Was this a way to help them totally extinguish their "desire"? 

I don't know for sure.  I am not a Buddhist scholar or theologian, obviously. But it seems to me that both the Buddha and Christ were saying , "Be attached to nothing from the external world.  It is not important to your true Life.  Renounce your belief that you are merely a body. Accept that you are a spirit having a short human experience; not a human having a short spiritual one.Seek the glory of this realization, this enlightenment...and have faith that your basic human needs will be provided for as you do.   Don't worry: God, the Universe, Life has your back." 

Oh "me", of Little Faith

Man, it took a lot of faith, I imagine,  for these disciples to give up everything they once owned and cherished ( including their families, communities) to become "Forest Dwellers", students, teachers, on a mission to end suffering  and bring the Ultimate Peace to all. 

And here I am complaining about my hardships.  I want what they sought, yet I am still afraid to give up that which I am or was attached to...my financial freedom, a sense of security, some sense of control over Life.  I do not trust, like they did, that I will be taken care of and provided for,  The birds and the lilies, I believe, they will be fed and clothed ...but not so sure about me. So "i", of little faith,  am pretty anxious about the whole thing. 

At the same time...if you came up and said to me: "Okay. it is one or the other.  You either let go of that which you are still clinging to...this house, for example... or give up your mission for higher consciousness,  I think I would loosen my grip pretty quickly...(well maybe not quickly but I would let go eventually lol.)  I may never get enlightened in this life time, may never reach the kingdom of God or the Pureland...but that path of true understanding: seeing the interconnections of all, compassion, altruism, love and peace...doing what I can to end suffering in myself and others...is the only path that makes sense to me right now. It is the path I want to be on. 

Detaching?

I do not want to lose my house.  I do not want any added challenges right now. At the same time, I know if I lost my house I would manage.  Those I am with will be fine. I have no idea where I would go or what I would do but maybe it would be more "freeing" than challenging in the long run.  I have gradually been getting used to going without certain  things and it isn't that bad. Especially, if I feel the going without  is taking me deeper. 

At the same time...I also  still have a lot I could renounce...certainly have more than three outfits to wear in my closet and more than a mat to sit on. Maybe being without much of this that we take for granted will be freeing.  I don't know

So though I may not have voluntarily and quietly  put down many of those possessions and things I once cherished, it was only by being without them that I really  began this journey. And this is the journey I want to be on....as crazy as that sounds.  I am not sure if being on this path means I need to keep struggling in this way....though. I would, when all is said and done, not say No"  to the  "added on" if it were to come my way but maybe I don't have to want it quite as much as I do.  I can want, and if inspired take steps toward changing my external world for the better...but I do "know" now what is really important.

No Harm in Asking As Long as We Are Keep Our Priorities In the Right Place?

Doing the Abundance Meditations from Deepak Chopra again.  Why?  They just showed up lol. So as I used the mantra "Sat-Chit-Ananda"/ "Existence- Consciousness- Bliss" . ...I was reminded to repeat this phrase throughout my day: "Today, I embrace my potential to be, do and have whatever I can dream!"

What do I wish to be? Peaceful, loving, open, happy, fulfilled.

What do I wish to do?  Serve in a greater way...teach, write and speak...just a tiny bit like the disciples did ( Of course, I am not intending to do so at that level of grandeur.  I mean, I just want to do as much as I can,  as little as that may be in the long run, to help alleviate suffering. ) 

Crazy!  I know.

My point: We would all benefit from following the disciples example: being less attached to our possessions and more attached to finding the truth of who we really are.; being willing to let go of them and finding peace in doing so.  We would all benefit from having more faith and trust in Life, God, the Universe. At the same time we can ask for and take inspired  steps towards the "added -ons" knowing they are just that, added-on...and not our priority. 

Hmm!  All is well in my world. 

Deepak Chopra (March, 2021) 21 Days of Abundance: Guided Meditations. Spotify

Thich Nhat Hanh. Fear  https://www.yumpu.com/en/document/read/63967084/book-fear-essential-wisdom-for-getting-through-the-storm-free-download

Anxiety, Desiring and the Middle Way

 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Matthew 6 ESV 

Of course that passage comes from the much longer passage from Matthew below.  Just read it and see how much sense it makes to you.  It makes so much to me

Great Wisdom About Anxiety 

Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?  And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin,  yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?  Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’  For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

Matthew 6:25-34 ESV 

Anxious and Wanting More

You, of little faith...is meant fro me, I am sure. I find myself anxious and wanting more, not fully trusting that I will get it. 

I have always been so confused about the notion of "desire".  I mean I absolutely resonate with most Buddhist teachings...feeling it right through  this overly conditioned Catholic core to an even deeper core. And I agree that most of our suffering is due to "wanting" Life to go a certain way...more specifically with our resistance and aversion when it doesn't go our way. I "see" that so clearly...I do. Healing , true healing, I also believe  whole-heartedly, is enlightenment and by that I mean, healing depends on our willingness and ability to go back to our peaceful mind which lies beneath all the mental junk we piled on top of it with our wanting and unwanting. From there we fall back into Self.  Ironically,  I "want" that.  I "desire" that. It just seems I am too overwhelmed with challenge to clean my inner and outer houses.

The Hindrances of Desire and Aversion

According to the Buddhists, five things hinder us from reaching this state I so want.  The first of which is desire and the second is aversion. So am I caught in some type of a never ending cycle of wanting because I want what I presently don't perceive I have now..."true healing": my freedom from suffering? Is it "unwholesome" and "unskillful" of me to want the external situations before me to improve?  Am I caught in a cycle of aversion...resisting my suffering, because I want to be free of it? How do I break that cycle and at the same time reach for  my goal of enlightenment? (Reaching is grasping, seeking, striving)  How do I embrace the spiritual path while in a physical and mental form without meeting the basic survival needs of both? 

We Need to Survive , Right? 

So yes God will provide...the universe will provide in some way...but in the mean time lol...what do we do? 

And we need to "survive, right,  as an inter-dependent  bodies in this ever changing world? That is what we are  biologically wired for...survival. These "physical world" challenges I face everyday are so intertwined in the basic needs of survival of this form...with health issues, shelter issues ( I know I can't keep this house) and finances. (Before I go any further...please know that I am fully aware that so, so many others have it much, much tougher than me.  I am so blessed in so many ways to have what I do have...I know that.  As far as survival needs,  I have a roof over my head right now.  I have food in the fridge.  I do have some money coming in and I have access to  a health care system in which I don't have to worry about paying for getting most of my health care needs met.  That is blessing!!! I know that and I truly appreciate all of it! But if I am living honestly , I have to also address the challenges in front of me at this point in my life that may pose a threat to my physical and emotional survival. )

A Personal Example

From now on, I am going to try to give you the heads up if I am going to self disclose...so you can step back and away if  it you find it annoying or offensive.  I am still gong to do it lol...but I want to give you the option  of ignoring it if you see it as just another person's trip down Self-Pity Lane.  :) I couldn't bear to realize that I am just feeling sorry for myself...but maybe I am, who knows?  Regardless....

My situation is  such , that I am worried about "survival and safety needs" which my brain, the filter for the mind, is biologically wired to contemplate...It  is, after all,  the function of brain mind to keep us alive.  It leads me to question: So how do we   fall back into a spiritual purpose without the  body having its needs met?  And  how do we  advance to higher consciousness , using this tool of a mind we  have, when it is so busy doing what it is "supposed" to be doing in a functional way as we  confront one challenge after another.  Sure... a great deal of the time my mind is doing the "monkey" thing...using me instead of me using it but a lot of other times, lately, it is simply doing its job.  Like some robotic entity programmed for survival, it goes through  my days lately saying:  "Must figure out how to keep her and off spring alive; must figure out how to keep her and offspring alive; must  figure out how to keep her and off spring alive."  And I appreciate that sentiment. I  "want" my off spring and myself to stay alive as long as we can.  On top of that...I "want" it to be "easier". I want some longer intervals of peace between the challenges. Yep...I am taking my attention away from inner responsibility for my life experience and saying, " I want the outer world to lay off with the challenges...to give me a bloody break!"  Is it a hindrance to my  mission of liberation from suffering, then, that I  am not completely accepting of my present circumstances and asking for something different or more?  

Internalism versus Externalism; "House Dwellers" vs "Forest Dwellers" 

So all this questioning brings to mind again...the different approaches to Life:  Internalism, Externalism and Interactional. And that brings to mind what Alan Watts was talking about in regards to those who went off on a spiritual quest in India during the time of the Buddha. (see link below).  In that tradition the population was divided into two groups: those that were called "house dwellers"  who more or less would be our "externalists" ...the majority who were dependent on the physical world and society.  They "desired" the physical world offerings; those who more or less lived on the horizontal plane...and the "Forest Dwellers"- those that set out away from the communities and societies they lived in, in order to renounce the "physical world" and focused entirely on the " internal" world. They expressed aversion of the physical world.  Of course, they represent the epitome of internalism and life on the vertical plane. These spiritual devotes took great care  to reach that level of enlightenment but during the Buddha's time, many were ascetics who felt they had to renounce all things even those things needed for the body to survive: food, water, sleep, warmth, shelter etc They would even purposefully inflict pain on themselves in hope that that would take them to awakening  faster.  The Buddha even tried this, for years, but eventually came to the realization that that too was a trap of clinging, striving and aversion.   

He discovered the middle way: 

Life is like the harp string, if it is strung too tight it won't play. If it is too loose, it hangs. The tension that provides the beautiful sound lies in the middle.

The Buddha.

What I get from this is, while we are waiting find that complete faith in God, that spiritual enlightenment that will set us free...  we need to walk  the middle way between desire and aversion...between house dwelling and forest dwelling, between the easy life and challenge. and between an internalistic perspective  and an externalistic one.  Maybe, the  interactionalist approach offers the needed direction there?  Maybe it is okay for us to want some of the  external challenges we are given  to diminish, for it to be a bit easier while we continue to look  inward for the truth that will set us free.  Maybe we really do not need to suffer quite  so much from external events in order to free ourselves from all suffering in the long run?  Maybe we can get off the rack,  Aristotle spoke about, and still live the good life.  What do you think?   

I don't know.  Worth some thought I suppose.  Might as well put these "monkey" minds to good, functional use. 

All is well. 

Ahuvia, A., Thin, N., Haybron, D. M., Biswas-Diener, R., Ricard, M., & Timsit, J. (2015). Happiness: An interactionist perspective. International Journal of Wellbeing, 5(1), 1-18. doi:10.5502/ijw.v5i1.1 

Joseph Goldstein (2016) Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Awakening . Boulder: Sounds True

Alan Watts/ Global Well Being ( Nov, 2017) Freedom From Illusion https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hd0g17J0sqI

Tonglen: Compassionate Suffering

 There is a place in the heart where everything meets.

Go there is you want to find me. Mind, senses, soul, eternity, all are there. Are you there? 

Enter the bowl of vastness that is the heart.

Give yourself to it with total abandon...

Once you know the way the nature of intention will call you to return, again and again and be saturated with knowing: "I belong here.  I am at home here."

Lorin Roche- The Radiance Sutras:The Vijnana Bhairava Tantra

I was reminded of this verse from Tara Brach today as she guided me ( and many, many others) through a Tonglen meditation practice.   It was lovely and much needed. She mentioned too, in her introduction to the meditation practice, about putting our prayers, our intentions, the words of the wise  "on" our hearts.  We put them on our hearts, instead of in...because most of us  have not reached that level of grace where our hearts are fully open. 

Only time and grace can put the essence of these prayers in your heart. 

I love Tonglen.  It is a meditative practice where we use our hearts and our breath to filter out the suffering of self and others so it flows diluted into the empty endless spaciousness.  We breathe in a willingness to go to that place of complete vulnerability and to feel that suffering in us and others and then we breathe it all back out into that space that gladly receives it and transmutes it. As the filter.... using breath we pull in the suffering of self and the others, we feel it...like really feel it, and then using breath we expel it so it does not stay trapped in our hearts...only touching them, awakening them, opening them.  It is the epitome of compassion and emotional empathy.  

According to Matthieu Ricard as I learned yesterday in my course, compassion is natural to us and empathy is a powerful tool to help us cultivate it and to allow us to foster more altruism in our relationships with others.  We have to be careful though.  Some of us , like I am, are naturally empathic and tend to over feel the emotions of others...blurring the distinction between "my feelings" and "their feelings" leading to emotional distress.  It is like, as the filter, say a "mesh filter", the emotions are breathed in but some get stuck in those little holes leading to a clogging and a backup of emotions...we can no longer breathe the emotion out and they stay stuck within us.  We need to decondition our blocking and resisting tendencies. The breath of Tonglen can be like a cleansing force that opens up those holes.  If we feel "too much" when we contemplate the suffering of others...we just extend our attention to our out-breaths that will become naturally longer than the in-breaths. If we are not feeling enough...we focus more on our n breaths which exemplify our willingness to feel.  Hmm! It is very, very powerful. 

Anyway...I had a good practice and a very good cry.  I started contemplating , as is done in this practice, my own sense of suffering which was more a feeling of  "overwhelm" and "exhaustion" from dealing with what seem like never ending challenges for me and my loved ones...then I focused on three of my children who are so obviously suffering( though you are only supposed to focus on one)  and that is when the flood gates really opened...and then I extended my contemplation out around them to all the people in their age group that seem to be suffering and I bawled some more.  I really had to focus on that out breath so I could discharge what I was taking in. 

When I discharged that suffering into the space that could handle it...I added a loving kindness component and wished all those individuals out there...and I focused deliberately on some who have hurt loved ones reticently and said, "Their name...May you be happy, May you be well.M may you be free of suffering and its roots" and then I did the same for me, "May you be happy.  May you be well. May you be free of suffering and its roots." 

When I was finished there was this big internal sigh that filled me. 

Sigh! 

Try it for yourself.

All is well! 

Tara Brach ( October, 2020) Tonglen :Guided Meditation By Tara Brach https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apQS0St3PKY

Matthieu Ricard Module 6: Positive Psychology Practitioner . School of Positive Transformation