There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.
From Dharma Talk linked below
Who is Riding the Horse?
Hmmm! I have been watching what I assume is ego emerge, subside, and emerge again throughout all the learning I have been doing. Yet, I am still not sure if what I am witnessing in me is all ego or sometimes Self?
This confusion affects my motivation to do certain things. If I think ego is involved, I tend to pull back and step away from my endeavor because I truly do not want this "made-up" part of who I am to run the show. When ego has the reins everything can get more than a little chaotic and I just end up going around in circles until I am dizzy. When Self has the reins everything is smooth and peaceful no matter what is going on around me. (The horse, of course, is the mind and body, right?)
The thing is, I often don't know which part of me is getting in the saddle until we have gone a few laps around the fence. When I find myself dizzy from not getting anywhere or worse bucked off the horse I was not skilled enough to handle. ...I can say, "Oh that was ego." And when I find myself getting somewhere (that somewhere is usually not an external distance) peacefully, moving along smoothly and calmly ...I can say ..."Ohhh...this must be Self holding the reins."
I would like to know before I put my foot up on the stirrup, you know? But ...sigh...for now, I have to keep learning the challenging way to determine when I am acting from an ego and when I am not...before I learn to become the rider I want to be. Just by realizing, "Oh...this is ego"...even if that realization only comes when I am face down in the manure...is the learning...is the coming back to Self.
Poetry: Ego or Self
I think of poetry and why I write it or put it out there for people to see. Is it Self or ego riding this mental endeavor when the poetry comes out on the page? And I know in my heart that it is Self because ...it more or less...just happens and because ego hates when I do it.
It just comes out ...lately after I learn something new or hear something that resonates in my core as truth. I know as I am hearing, reading certain words...that "this" whatever it is...is going to be expressed in a poem. I mean sometimes I think about it...I push and pull the words around a bit until they calm ego down some, I manipulate here, revise there...There is still some mind in there...but for the most part , it is like it just comes out and I find myself saying, "WTF(front door)? Why did I write that? And why am I allowing other people to see it???"
Ego Doesn't Like Poetry
Shamer Ego is in the background screaming, "No!!!!!! Don't do it!" lol
Remember ego has two sides, right? One side shames and keeps us down creating an image of us as "less than, deficient, broken, defective etc". And another side seeks to redeem by creating an illusion of us being more with the gaining and grasping for things that we erroneously believe will create a redeemed persona to hide the other. (Well that is how I see it anyway.)
As there might be in some of my other writing...there is no redemption motivation in my poetry...just pure and open vulnerability. I feel more naked and exposed with a poem than any of the other stuff I write. This vulnerability activates Shamer and this part of my ego will insist I don't publish it or show it and it will chastise me like crazy when I do. So if I publish a post with a poem, it has to be Self that is motivating me to do so. That is why I say this writing of poetry and this sharing of poetry is not ego for me.
It also comes out smoothly ( albeit it may sound like crap lol but it comes out so easily). It is a calm experience that is taking me, if no one else, somewhere...to a greater understanding that I never had before I read the poem that came out of me. And it all has so little to do with "me". I can say I wrote the books I wrote. I write this blog. I write my articles. I wrote my short fiction. I can say I wrote what was published. But when it comes to poetry...I honestly cannot say I write poems. It is really ( other than the bit of tweaking I may do) nothing I have done. It just comes through me.
Serendipity
And it is so freaky deeky, at times to see how it coincides so beautifully with things I learn, read, hear...after...certain poems came through me. At the time I first read certain poems...it is like "Huh???" And then the learning begins or is cemented so clearly with serendipity.
I am going to get you to go back to two poems I "supposedly" wrote: Windows to the Soul...or Windows...under the post from 2017 entitled "Eye Contact" https://dale-lynwritin.blogspot.com/2017/01/eye-contact.html
and the poem I wrote called "Ego Reflections" that I wrote months ago https://dale-lynwritin.blogspot.com/2020/02/poem-in-progress.html
I mean there was some inspiration for each of these poems at the time I was writing them but I still didn't quite understand them.
Today I was listening to a lovely dharma talk, like I do everyday ( see link below) and in this talk Br Phap Cau spoke about Narcissus and another interpretation of that fable...and he talked about shadow projections...how we see ourselves in other people. It was like "AHA!!!"
Just like that.... w those two poems I "supposedly" wrote without fully understanding why I wrote them.... made perfect sense to me. This dharma talk and " my" poems go together in some crazy nonlinear way. It just blew me away and cemented this idea that poetry is nothing I have done or do...it is just done through this body and mind. For that reason...I have to say it is Self that is riding the Poetry horse...and no matter how much ego screams in the back ground, "Don't do it!!!!" I have to share them. That is Self.
Other Endeavors
I question which of the following (ego or Self) motivated me in another endeavour and which of the two holds me back from sharing it. I mentioned here that I wanted to offer some service or give something helpful to the world during this pandemic, especially since I could no longer nurse and have so little money. As a Yoga teacher, I created a yoga page. I think this is a great time for yoga...to help settle and calm body and mind. So I have a page with several instructional videos on asanas and pranayama, as well as on body and breath awareness I created over the last couple of months. I have offered it to some but not all of my students. Why?
I question: Was it ego that led me to produce this...a need to be recognized and seen, a way to practice and strengthen this" idea" I have of me as a yoga teacher? Or was it Self...a genuine desire to serve in some way. It was actually both of these, I suppose.
What is holding me back from making it public like I said I would? First of all, I fear Redeemer ego's role in this will taint my giving desire. I want to give for the sake of giving, not to strengthen any crazy idea I have of little me. And it is embarrassing lol. Shamer is screaming in the background...as it does with my poetry..."Don't Do it!!!! Don't expose yourself!! Your gift isn't good enough!"
You see...my videos are far from perfect, as am I, in them...As a body, as an instructor, as a speaker, as a yogi, and as a "person", I am far from perfect. This leads me to feel vulnerable and at risk for criticism and ridicule. Shamer says..."Until you are perfect...don't show yourself. You haven't got anything of value to offer."
What do you think Self has to say to that?
Something to the effect, "Just give what you have to give with kindness and compassion. Don't be concerned with outcome. It may be received well and it may not be. That has nothing to do with "you". Giving, compassion, love, joy, kindness has little to do with you. Like the poetry...it just comes through you. The real shame here...will not be in how this idea of "you" appears to others but to block the natural flow of giving with your fear."
Wow!
Yoga anyone?
https://spark.adobe.com/page/tWkqUA9YwK13m/
All is well!
Plum Village (April 2020) The Philosophy of the Philosopher's Stone/ Dharma Talk with Br. Phap Cau https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nI8yIMYR2Mc
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