It is time for changing thoughts and obscure notions to pass through;
leaving nothing[no-thing]in the space of all we thought we knew.
me ( whoever that is :))
Night time Muses
I woke up around four in the morning and as I lay in bed, still halfway between sleep and wakefulness, these words came to me...quite forcefully actually...as words sometimes do in the middle of the night. I sometimes have full 10 stanza poems coming to me in that way and I am usually too lazy to get up to write them down. I tell myself that I will remember the words because of the force at which they come to me but I usually don't.
Well last night these words came to me and it was like "Oh wow! It is happening again. " and at the same time "Oh crap! I am supposed to remember this and if I don't write it down I won't remember." I didn't want to get up. Because it was only two lines, I told myself I would remember. I kept repeating the words to myself over and over in hope I wouldn't forget them and could jot them down when morning came...But no...that wasn't going to work. I was compelled by something inside me to get up and write the words down. Which I did.
And now I am like, "Huh? What do I do with that?"
Changing Thoughts and Obscure Notions
Of course, it is just a reiteration of all I have learned to date about waking up. We just need to let go of our attachment to thought which keeps changing and is far from eternal...and our notions of what will bring happiness and what will bring pain...just let them pass through us and our lives until we are in that space where there is no form (things), just space and this knowing that what we thought we knew was really nothing. When that is gone we will fall back into being aware of being aware, of spacious essence and all we truly are.
Wow! This bit of reminded wisdom came out in a rhyming two liner. Who thinks in poetic verse besides Mother Goose?
Anyway that brings me to the topic of notions and thinking and more specifically wanting. I tend to go back to the posts that I notice are being read and reread them. I do this mostly to appease my critical ego who picks up every grammatical error and poorly structured sentence or articulated idea but sometimes I get valuable insight about my own growth. I went back to entries I wrote about 'wanting".
Changing Notions About "Wanting"
I want to clarify not only the difference between wanting and grasping but the difference in my understanding from then until now. I owe gratitude to the dharma talk I heard today ( linked below) for helping to realize this.
When I first heard of "The Law of Attraction"...I was skeptical but hopeful. I was looking for a way out of my present set of circumstances at a time in my life where I felt I was being bombarded by loss, illness, memories of past trauma, broken relationships, the death of loved ones, serious parental issues, financial crisis etc etc...it was definitely not the life I would ask for. There was so much stress and I wanted its opposite.
I was a person who was also aware of the spiritual dimension of my being and of the power of the human mind. So when I heard of "The Secret", at a time I was living a life of scarcity and what I didn't want, I was pulled toward that possibility. I was desperate to try anything that would relieve this deep sense of suffering I seemed to be living through. I began to focus on what I thought I wanted: more income ( or at least enough so I wouldn't lose the house), a return to health ( or at least validation for a lack of it so I could go from there), a healthy romantic relationship, recognition and validation as a writer, an end to all the things my kids were going through. I was specific in my wanting...as specific as I could be. When a couple of the things I wanted came into fruition ( "manifested" ) I became convinced that it worked.
A lot has changed since then. I am not saying that The Law of Attraction is or is not real, I am not saying focusing on wanting works or doesn't work. I discovered, in my own experience with it, through this process...that what I focused on was not what I really wanted. They were notions...misguided obscure notions that specific things in my environment would make me happy. I believed that if the physical things in my world changed, if those ever changing thoughts of things I put on dream boards were to manifest ...I would be happy. My suffering would be ended. I learned that that is not the case.
With this Law of attraction stuff I was focusing on wanting things "out there" to give me what I needed "in here". I was "grasping" and we all know by now that grasping will never bring peace. Wanting felt good though ..it brought some "excitement" and "enthusiasm" in my life when I felt I was being flattened by circumstance...but did it bring me what I really wanted?
I began to look at those things I had on my list. I realized they were just "notions" and "changing thoughts...not a path to what I really wanted.
" Is a romantic relationship what I really want?" That question came about around the same time I was studying about special relationships in ACIM and studying other doctrines as well. I had a notion about special relationships, about romance cultivated in me from the time I was a young girl. It was a "fantasy" I was placing my intentions on...not the reality of relating with a partner. I grew out of that fantasy.
"Is being a well known famous writer what I really want?" I assumed recognition as a writer would bring happiness and the end to my financial suffering...so I wanted that to "manifest". I did get some recognition and quickly learned that it would never be enough. And when I focused on getting recognition rather than just writing...my writing became work rather than something I creatively let happen. I stopped seeking that ( though my desire for publication is still there to a lesser degree)
"Is money what I really want? "I wanted more money...just so I wouldn't lose my house. It was that close. Somewhere along the way I realized that if I lost the house I would be okay...so I began to find ways to ensure the kids would be okay if that happened and was almost anticipating the challenge with a little excitement. "Wow! Maybe I will grow so much through this. And I won't have to worry and struggle so much in my attempts to keep it. " Luckily, things turned around and I still have the house...for now.
"Is freedom from all illness or at least validation from medicine and support systems what I really want?" I learned the hard way that it isn't what I need or want. I need to find my own way through perceived illness and that begins not "out there" but "in here"...not so much through the body but through the mind. So though the physical conditions are still very real to me and the last of which did not miraculously go away because I put it out of my mind two months ago, I am not fighting against a system to be heard any more and that gives me so much more space and energy to heal in the only way healing can really take place. I am not discounting that I will need medicine someday for most, if not all of these conditions, but for now...I don't need that validation.
Grasping: Not What We Really Want
So I guess what I am saying is the type of wanting I wrote about in 2017 was leaning toward "grasping". I have evolved enough to know that none of these things could give me what I really want over the long term. And what is that?
Peace....what I really, really want is peace and that cannot be found on dream boards. It is inside me already.
I do not have to hope and dream and affirm changes in my external world to get peace. I just have to go inward to where the peace is unconditionally.
So the wanting I do now is not based on seeking and grasping for something out there to change or become different...but for me to use my mind in such a way that things do not have to change for me to be happy. To be happy unconditionally.
Hope that makes sense and is helpful.
There is nothing wrong with wanting but just know what it is you truly want.
All is well.
Plum village ( May 2020) One Toe Wiggles/Dharma Talk by Sr, Dang Nghiem (Deer Park Monastery)https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=18LBG8yi6NQ
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