It is

True wisdom is being able to say 'it is what it is' with a smile of celebratory wonder on your face.
-Eric Micha'el Leventhal (from Oprah Winfrey's and Deepak Chopra's meditation series)

I have been up since four. :) My body doesn't like the night sweats and in those awakenings comes the thinking about all that has been going on around me. 

I was able to get through the last two months because others needed me. I was able to put aside, to some extent, my body's complaints and my own response/reactions to stress. I trudged forward.  I clung to every moment of relief like it was a precious vacation but they never lasted for long.  Things that needed to be dealt with kept calling me back from any fantasy of margarita sipping on the beach lol.  There really was no break from pressing circumstance and I am exhausted, absolutely exhausted from carrying this load.

I am aware of the distinction between life circumstance and Life. I am aware of the True Self beneath this little version of 'me'.  I am aware of the wisdom in the lovely mantra I have been repeating since yesterday Grace is perfect even when my life isn't.  I am so grateful for my Life...I really am...I look for reasons to be grateful and I find them. I am also very aware  there is a sun shining brilliantly behind this heavy cloud cover. 

But sigh...I just want to feel it.  I want  a break in the heaviness!  I want to see a good sized crack in that cloudy sky. I want sun on my face.  

I need something  to change so obviously for the better. I need relief. 

There seems to be so much suffering around me, brought to my attention almost every hour of everyday  and I don't know what to do with it. And it isn't like I am out there looking for it. I am not seeking it.  I am not  reading the news or getting lost in social media rampages.  In fact...I am doing my best to run and hide from it lol.  I am even isolating myself...Yet people are reaching me with their suffering. I feel it so intensely. I want to help.  I want to make change and do my part to solve the greater issues but I am not sure how.  So in my ignorant  helplessness, I simply offer my presence.  In the offering of that support and that presence that I so want to offer, I feel my bony little knees wobbling.  Why does it suddenly feel like so much?

Anyway...In the midst of insomnic fretting, I bring myself back to It is what it is...and I keep trudging forward with that in mind.  I want peace.  I am committed to that endeavor.  So I make peace with the cloud cover above my head.  I make peace with the moments of suffering and I tell myself it is all okay right here, right now just the way it is. And it is.  It is.

All is well in my world. I am going back to bed lol.