- Thich Nhat Hanh (from peace is every breath pg 145)
Oops!
Okay I owe someone an apology somewhere. :) I have been rationalizing my angry confrontation over and over in my head, trying to use the Dalai Lama's words to soothe my conscience with. Truth is...I slipped and I own that slip.
A Pure Motivation?
Yes, confrontation involving harsh words and strong action is sometimes called for if the motivation is pure. My motivation, other than my maternal need to protect my daughter, really wasn't pure. I went into that confrontation this afternoon...ego first not presence first. I went into that confrontation in reaction mode, not response mode. I went into that confrontation to protect the rights of an ego that always wants to be right...not the rights of Self. I went in hot headed, not calm and peaceful. I went in talking with anger and self righteousness, not listening with patience and compassion.
I may have been 50 % unconscious and 50 % conscious :) which is not so, so bad I suppose. ...but still I want to do better.
Wanting to do better in My Practice
I want to do better. I want to remain kind no matter what is happening to me or around me, no matter what others may be saying or doing...I want to remain kind. I wasn't all together kind today.
I won't beat myself up. I see this experience as another learning challenge...All our relating situations with others offer the best opportunities to practice, do they not? I see room for improvement in my practice and that is a wonderful, wonderful thing. If I see it I can make room for a better me. I want to be a better me ( 'me', meaning Self , in this situation).
What Can I do differently next time?
- Take time to cool down before jumping into a situation. Ego runs head first into confrontation because it loves the Drama. The presence in the background does nothing but calmly watches.
- Connect with that presence before confronting. I could have taken a few moments this afternoon to connect with that observing presence before calling. I could have taken more than a breath....I could have done a full out breath awareness meditation. I could have calmed and soothed the body....before I confronted. I just allowed ego to take over and that is seldom good. :)
- Eliminate some of the emotional and mental story around the situation. I used past experiences with others, my own fear of loss and scarcity consciousness to create a story around this situation that was not necessarily based on truth. I need to take the time, to remove present moment truth from story and from past in these situations. Again that could have been done with a little time and space
- Remind self there is always two sides to perception. When ego is in charge it is all about 'me' isn't it, not about the other person. We use our own perspectives as weapons in an attempt to prove how right we are.
- I could have actually closed my mouth to hear what the other individuals were saying. I was so intent on being heard, I was not listening.
- I could be kinder...making kindness my priority over being right. I could let go of my need to be right. Man, that is hard for the ego to do, isn't it?
- Remind myself and others that what we really want is peace.
I am grateful for the learning and offer a silent thought of apology and forgiveness for all involved ( including myself).
All is well.
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