Harsh Words and Strong Action

In actual life, you sometimes have to speak some harsh words or take strong action in order to protect or benefit the family-here the key point is motivation. The same action, or even a tougher action, accomplished with a sincere and good motivation, is sincere and good.
-Dalai Lama

I read these words this morning and thought to myself , "Oh that really doesn't apply to my circumstances right now." I went on my way and forgot about them. Then about twenty minutes ago I found myself slinking back to my desk needing so desperately to hear those words again.

Harsh words

You see... I took harsh words and strong action this afternoon against that company I thought was "ripping me off".  I perceived that they provided a misleading service ...asked for money up front without providing any receipt or written invoice of our purchase cost break down.  (My daughter who is absolutely loving and trusting of all things in life-what a wonderful way to be- was the one who sought the service on my behalf).  They  quoted the cost as one thing, asked for both the payment and  deposit upfront and she left believing we would likely get a refund.  When she came home that day without any written documentation of pricing and worse no receipt the hairs, I will admit, stood up a little bit on the back of my neck. I told myself to breathe and not to let ego suspicion emerge too fully.

Strong Action

But the hairs never came down completely. Today my daughter was informed by that company that not only do we not get a refund, but that we owed them. I got angry.  I felt cheated.  So I took a deep breath went to the phone and called the individual my daughter had been dealing with  myself.  I told her  that I felt upset because we were told a price and were expecting a refund but did not think it was fair for us to have to pay.  I got round about stories about what we were being charged with  and why... none of it clear.

I would have none of it.  I was  intent on being assertive and direct about the mistake the company had made . In response, the individual (doing what most egos would do in those situations wanting "the heat' off themselves) pointed a finger at my daughter, saying that she probably didn't understand the explanations. I felt myself getting more and more lost in the anger at that point, becoming a little more than assertive.  I was speaking "harshly" and threatening "stronger action". I was operating from emotion.

Trying to  See the Person underneath the anger

I kept  bringing myself back though...Catching myself in the height of emotion, calming down to some degree enough  to say to the individual that I was not doubting her or judging her as a person ...but was very frustrated with the way the business was dealt with and the consequences of it. Still...the anger and self righteousness would not go away.   I could not let them pin this on my girl.  "If the explanations were so hard to understand", I countered, "why wasn't written documentation provided in an invoice form detailing the cost breakdown?  Isn't that what most business' would do? Why was she not given a receipt?"

The individual defended herself by saying, "I would have given her one if she asked."

I suggested with a hint of superiority and an air of  higher knowledge, "Should that not be protocol?"

I asked to speak to the manager  but the individual truly wanted to explain the situation first.  I allowed her to, assuring her it was not my intention to dump my negativity and judgment on her. (I was conscious enough to do that lol). She agreed to send me a cost breakdown. I still was not ready to give up my ego need to prove how right I was and therefore how wrong they were.

Consequences

Eventually, I spoke to the manager. She was obviously already informed of my complaint and was on the defensive,  not very customer friendly during our conversation.  I reiterated what I told her employee and she was quite defensively, explaining that everything was explained and once again pointed a finger at my daughter's lack of comprehension. I got very angry then. I stressed the difference between what we were told and what we were charged and once again suggested, as if I was in a position to do so, a better business approach for future customers: receipts and written instruction on their charges. I also requested a full documented breakdown of our specific charges which I have yet to receive.  (I had incorrectly assumed that would have already been done for their own business records and could have been forwarded stat to a disgruntled customer ???)  I did inform the manger that I could take this further but decided it was not worth the effort (I was thinking of the cost to my peace and the hassle to my body and mind that would cause). Instead, I informed her I would never do business there again and if I speak to anyone about this service I will be honest and direct about my experience which will reflect very negatively on them. She assured me she would send the cost breakdown out right away. And that was it.

Cost to Peace?

Hmmm!  Did I do the 'right' thing if my true goal these days is to maintain a certain level of peace?

I did feel it was important that I stood up to this business which unfortunately meant confronting individuals who were employed there.  I wasn't kind throughout the conversation, far from it. (Which I regret).  And I wasn't all together calm.  I felt anxious and ready to attack. My ticker had a bit of a work out, let me tell ya. I slipped into and out of unconsciousness throughout the process.  I really didn't want to hurt anyone but I would not let my daughter or myself be treated unfairly either.

Still I felt guilty for slipping away from presence ( and at the same time I am not actually sure that I did completely...I was aware of behaviour throughout and kept pulling myself back...hmmm?)

Well some of you might say, Well you still got ripped off crazy lady. To which I would respond , Maybe. But I am okay with it. I expressed my truth  and my anger. I refused to pay the extra and I will let sleeping dogs lie.

Well  are you just  going to let them win?

There is no winners or losers in this.  What have I lost?  A few dollars of a refund?  What have they gained? Absolutely nothing of value. In their minds, they may have lost peace, money and business as well. 

What a wonderful learning challenge. Egos might feel as if they won or they lost but what matters is recognizing who we really are beneath all that ego drama and choosing that over being right.  When it is all said and done....I choose peace.


Confrontations can come at a cost to our peace.  Does that mean we should avoid them?

No.  I like the Dalai Lama's words. Sometimes we need to stand up and utter a few harsh words or be prepared for stronger action. Sure the individuals we deal with are valuable and are deserving of our respect. But we are valuable too. Sometimes a little assertiveness in the protection of our rights can remind us of that value. 

Of course, we need to practice asserting self with as little emotion as possible. We need to work on developing a kind and calm approach in such matters.  That isn't always easy, as this lesson taught me. Sigh....

All is well in my world.