God's blessings on all nations who long and work for that bright day!
National Anthem
U mojem srcu pjevale su ptice
U tiha jutra, za sunčanih sati.
Birds were singing in my heart, in the quiet morning during the sunny hours.
Dobrisa Ceasric (missing accents over the first s and the second c), Moje jutro u Maksimiru
The words from this sad poem written by one of Croatia's famous temporary poets seems to fit, in an odd way, with what I am experiencing this morning. In the quiet morning, during the sunny hours, I find myself sensing something in the air.
What is it that is in the air here? Something subtle yet soothing, gentle yet powerful. It is true that it is my first trip to Europe and I have nothing to compare it to, but I feel this place is special in some invisible way I have yet to understand. There is something in the air carried with the aroma of strong coffee steaming from the cup I hold in my hands, with the salt from the Adriatic, with the hum of the native tongue vibrating in the background. It is a peaceful feeling I am left with, a sense of being home even though I am thousands of miles from where this human I call me has circled a spot on the map and labelled as home. I realize as I hear the ancient church bells in the distance that the world is a small place...much smaller than I ever imagined when I boarded the plane days ago. That is what is in the morning air during this sunny hour, I guess: The truth of the inter-beingness of all humans. There is some connecting force carried by the morning breeze reminding me that we are no different, regardless of what language we speak, the colour of our skin, the religions we practice, where we were born on this globe, or whatever we tell ourselves and the world we are. There is only the superficial distinctions but no difference that matters. ...that really matters. Under our skin, our flapping tongues, the flags we wave in the air...we are all one. That is what the Croatian morning air has brought to my attention. We are all one. Sigh.
All is well in my world.
Non Bene Pro Toto Libertas Venditura
Liberty cannot be sold for all the gold of the world
I had the once in a lifetime opportunity yesterday to walk the walls of Dubrovnik. What an amazing, enclosed city. In its ageless beauty it continues to survive, still, the onslaught of modern life outside and inside its walls. The walk was breathtaking and a photographer's dream. I had to soak up more of its history through research when I returned home.
What I love about Dubrovnik history:
Hrvatska je prekrasna, apsolutno prekrasna.
Wow!I did not realize how much I needed a break and how perfect this place was to offer a withering mind and body one. So, so beautiful. And the language is like music to my ears for some reason. I am learning it. I had to try out the method I used in my book to understand this tongue. Definitely will never be fluent while here but I am recognizing and understanding the alphabet and the phonemes. Croatian (Hrvatski) is so phonetic. It is actually written in phonetic symbols....so, unlike English, this version of the roman alphabet ( Gaj) sounds like it looks. Anyway...Learning a new language (jezik) is a fun way to pass a few hours a day in the sun. Oh...and I am shooting again. What a joy that is. I got my camera working better...not perfectly...but better. I forgot how good it feels to capture life on this amazing planet in a few stills. I feel so blessd right now. I am so very grateful....that this human I call "me" has been given the opportunity to experience all this. I will do what I can to share it with the world. ( Most of the pictures will have to wait, though, until I get home to post process on Lightroom...all good.)
All is well! Dobra!!
What inspires me most to write is the act of traveling.
Tea Obreht, Croatian author
Sitting here on the deck overlooking the Adriatic Sea. The water is as blue as a clear sky and the horizon is outlined by a series of perfect green hills. Houses of white stone with orange terracotta roofs splatter the landscape on both sides of the sea. Sail boats float on the surface of what appears to be motionless water, their unneeded masts down while the land near the shore offers its bounty. The world is rich with vegetation. In this yard alone I can see lime trees, pomegranate and olive trees offering up their abundant offspring to us the temporary guests of this ageless coastline. The sun...bright and golden above my head shines down with its precious rays to warm the skin and the soul so quietly watching from within. The air is warm with a soft breeze blowing a tiny hint of almost scentless Oleander in my direction. The Croatian tongue heavy with its Slavic roots humming around me feels as comforting and familiar as my own dialect, though I do not understand a word. It echoes of a time long forgotten but that still vibrates off the ancient stone, reminding all who are blessed enough to hear it of the glory, the pain, and the splendor that will live on for ever. Yeah, this is a place that soothes the soul, warms the heart and calms the mind emptying it of its ceaseless chatter. “Rest, rest, rest”, the ghosts of many ancestoral lines whisper and I can do nothing but obey.
Elixir Labelled "Hope"
The world sold me a sticky
syrup...
snake oil...in a bottle
labelled "hope".
I was assured by crooked
smiles this magic elixir
would assist this "me" to cope;
it could numb and put an
end to pain,
taking away all fear;
and it could make all
moments bothering me
simply disappear.
So, I took the bottle in
my shaky hand
and opened up the cap.
I lifted the glass to my
mouth
as the world around me
clapped.
I swallowed down the
sweetened water,
leaving not a drop.
It burned my
throat, caught in my chest,
and made my
breathing stop.
Dizzy with the effect of
it,
my being began to spin
and I was pulled so
quickly
from the moment I was in.
I was carried to a
pleasant time
that existed
up ahead,
a wonderful place of
joy and bliss
where fantasies were fed.
I left the pain I knew in the moment,
the one I left behind
and in this new
time Life matched my desires.
It was so very kind.
I could have staid in this
new place forever
but the high soon wore away
and once sober, I was
pulled back into reality,
back to the present day.
Here, I found
myself facing the world of twisted smiles
with an empty bottle in my
hand.
The weight of existence
fell on my shoulders
making me heavy once again.
Voice trembling with the
effort, I held out
the drop-less bottle to ask for more
of the sticky syrup, the
magic elixir
I would, like most humans,
come to adore.
I knew then that I was
addicted to
this thing in the bottle
labelled "hope,"
and that if I ingested it
daily,
it would become nothing
more than dope.
Whatever it gave humanity,
I learned,
would simply never
last.
The solution it offered
was not real
and the high wore off too
fast.
A knowing voice
inside me whispered
in a tone so soft and
sweet
that my preference list
was never something
Life was here to meet.
The magic elixir is
not what is needed
in order to get by.
What we need is reality,
to embrace what's real
without the high.
A sober moment has its
blessings
despite the pain and grief,
acceptance and
allowance of what is
could bring us true relief.
A potion can never save u.
It cannot give us what we
need.
Once we realize the beauty
of this moment,
all humans could be
freed.
So, I put the bottle on
the counter
And turned to walk away
with hesitant mind I began
to open
to the beauty of this day.
I observed as mind
surrendered to the truth:
The only way out of pain
is through.
I opened my heart to the
life in front of me.
There was nothing left to
do.
My head then cleared, and
the forgotten breath
dropped back into my chest
I found the peace I longed
for.
Finally,
my soul could rest.
©
Dale-Lyn, 2024
... Never seek for the Eternal in this world of finite things.
Vivekananda
Man I know what it sounds like when someone expresses a lack of hope as I did yesterday. Hopelessness is listed as one of the biggest symptoms of depression. It is like one has given up on life. I have, by no means, given up on Life. I have given up on "me" and that maybe considered a problem to most who still identify as their "me". Though, I too still identify and am certainly struggling to find and discover the light and beauty in some of the moments that have unfolded to satisfy this "me" (because man...is it whiney and complainy)...and this is where hope normally steps in......I realize that "me" cannot be satisfied because "me" is just a hungry little self concept. Who I am,beyond this "me", cannot be satisfied either by the things of this world. It is seeking the infinite not the finite.It is seeking the eternal not the temporal.
Hope, is about satisfying "me" not the Soul or spirit or deeper Self...or consciousness ( whatever you wish to call it). Hope is about creating mental images of the temporal, not the eternal; the finite, not the infinite. I know now in the deepest part of me that the finite and temporal may satisfy "me" for the briefest of seconds but it will not satisfy who I really am. My practice is all about satisfying who I really am. Thusly, hope doesn't work for this human anymore. :)
I am going on a trip to Europe tomorrow...something I used to hope for like crazy. Since I was little I wanted to travel and especially travel to Europe. So much history! It was always on my vision boards and smart goals lists lol. I used to get so excited about the prospect of any trip away...vibrating and not able to sleep for days before hand dreaming about what it might be like.
Now, that I no longer wish to jump from my moment into my mind like I did then...now that vision boards have been put away and goal lists have been deleted...and now that the trip is a day away...am I excited, hopeful?
No I mean I am not adverse to going...I did the things needed to get ready to go...all the planning and packing etc...but I am not up ahead...I am not already on the airplane or walking the cobblestone streets in my mind. My body and mind are still here in this moment writing you. I am not envisioning what it will be like. I have no expectations. I am still trying to make the most of this moment...observing as the words come out as I drink my tea. I still have things to do to get ready to go but there is no panic or excitement.
Well isn't it good to get excited?
Of course, it is good to "be" excited. But it is important to remember that excitement is a flow from inside. "Getting" excited because of some external thing is not the reality...right? The actual or potential external event simply was a trigger that opened up what was already in us. We come to believe it is the trip that is bringing excitement but it isn't. Enthusiasm and excitement are natural flows of energy that are meant to pour through us freely. We don't think of it like that though...do we? We just know that sometimes we feel good and sometimes we feel not so good. We "assume" that some things make us feel good and somethings make us feel bad. Trips to Europe are things that should make us feel good and excited. We fail to recognize that we are so stuffed with blockages and expectations that the external world is here to satisfy us and make us happy, that we are constantly looking for temporal and finite things out here to open us enough just so the energy can flow. Like a trip!
The trip is nothing but an experience this human gets to have...one of a trillion number of potentials. It doesn't make it excited.
So am I excited at all?
The reason why I am not feeling the natural flow of abundant excitement in me right now is because I know, number one, that no finite thing has the power to give me that. So...the idea of this trip doesn't trigger a small opening. I want more than what the world can give me. I know not to seek the eternal flow in a finite and temporal thing like a trip. Secondly, I am in the process of releasing that which is blocking me from feeling excited and open all the time. These shifting samskaras that are getting ready for release are still blocking the internal flow of this beautiful natural energy. I am fully aware they are still there. My short term smart goal is to release what is there and to avoid putting anymore samskaras on top of them. Looking for the trip to make me happy and excited will simply be another samskara slowing down the release of the stuff that so desparetly wants to be cleansed.
So will I even enjoy this trip?
I do not know what the trip will be like but I know I am at the stage of my waking up where I can observe, appreciate and enjoy the human experience as it unfolds around me. I still have a mind that loves history and natural beauty and culture...so yeah this human and this "soul" will likley enjoy this trip no matter what happens in it. Long term forecast is calling for ten days of rain lol. So be it. I want to experience and enjoy each moment as it unfolds...in whatever way it unfolds. I don't wnat "me" in the way dictating how it should be and how I should feel. That make sense?
It is all good!
Note: Bringing this with me so I might be able to write a bit while there. (I can't imagine not writing for two and half weeks lol)
The world sold me a sticky syrup...
snake oil...
in a bottle labelled "hope".
I was assured by crooked smiles,
this magic elixer would
help all humans cope.
It could make all moments
bothering us
simply disappear;
it could numb and put an end to pain,
taking away all fear.
So, I took it in my shaky hand
and opened up the cap.
I lifted the bottle to my mouth
as the world around me clapped.
I swallowed down the sweetened water,
leaving not a drop.
It burned my throat, caught in my chest
and made my breathing stop.
Dizzy with the effect of it, my being
began to spin
and I was pulled so quickly
from the present moment
I was in.
I was carried to another
more pleasant time
that existed up ahead,
a wonderful place of joy and bliss
where all fantasies got fed.
I left the pain I knew back in the moment,
the one I left behind
and in this new time Life was matching my desire,
and was being so very kind.
I could have staid in this new place forever
but the high soon wore away
and once sober, I was pulled back into reality ,
back to the present day.
Here, I found myself facing
the world of twisted smiles
with an empty bottle in my hand.
The pain and fear fell on my shoulders
making me heavy once again.
Voice trembling with the effort,
I held out the empty bottle
to ask for more
of the sticky syrup, the magic elixer
I would, like most humans, come to adore.
I knew then that I was addicted to
this thing in the bottle labelled "hope"
and that if I injested it daily,
it would become nothing more than dope.
Whatever it gave me or others,
I would learn,
would never last.
The solution it offered was not real
and the high wore off too fast.
A magic elixer is not what we need
in order to get by.
What we need is reality,
to embrace what's real without the high.
A sober moment has its blessings
despite the pain and grief,
acceptance and allowance of what is
could bring us true relief.
A potion can never save us;
it cannot give us what we need.
Once we realize the beauty of this moment,
all humans could be freed.
©Me, September, 2024
As I have written, this human I call me is going through a time. One of the reasons life seems so challenging for 'me' right now is that I don't use the defense mechanism of hope anymore, not like I used to anyway. I kind of see hope as a snake oil sold by humans to other humans as a way to "get by". It is a defense mechanism that can quickly become a problem. I just see how it doesn't work. I mean, we project into the future to escape this moment...the only time there is...through hope. We do not live our lives...I mean really live our lives ...if we are living in some future in our heads, do we? Yet, the future never comes, right? There really is no future. And that high we get doesn't last. It wears off and we will just need something more to hope for when we come down from each hope high. It is a head game.
This moment, right here, right now regardless of what is in it is our life...is the only thing that is real. If we want to truly live we need to embrace this moment!!! Not take a mind trip to another moment. Hope is just a mind trip to another moment.
Believe me, I would love to escape some of these moments I have been having lately. I want some more light...and for some reason I am still thinking the light is up ahead and that hope will take me there even though I know in every cell of my being that is not the way it works. I miss hope! I miss the high! I remind myself:
This...right here, right now... is my moment...this...right here, right now... is my life...and it has a lot of things my mind judges as "crappy" in it...and it has a lot of things my mind judges as " beautiful" in it. This is my life. Not what hope gives me. I want to make peace with this. Sigh!
Anyway, my mind also judges this poem as yucky but I put it down anyway . Why? because it is. It came out in a moment.
All is well.
The true essence of spirituality- relax and release. As soon as the energies start to get weird inside...relax and release...let go as soon as possible and come back as soon as possible.
Michael A. Singer
Imagine holding on to a tug of war rope. It may seem like you have to play this game...but you don't. As soon as you start feeling that rope being pulled, notice the tension. Don't pull back. Simply let go of the rope and lean back. You belong back here, not in the mud.
It is all good.
It starts with understanding and it ends with realization. All you want is peace.
Michael A. Singer
Still and clear reflecting the world, the lake glimmers from the sun's rays, like a million twinkling diamonds have landed on its surface.
Perfection, peace, and presence emenate from the deep depths of this water source.
I stand on the shore peeking in at the reflection of my awkward human form. I inhale deeply, breathing in my only true desire...that which the lake is offering me now. ...perfection, peace, and presence...
Then, out of nowhere, the wind blows ...and a leaf...a tiny browning leaf... is pulled from a nearby branch that once clung so tightly to it.
It falls, twisting and turning in effortless circles. I watch as it slowly and surely drops in one big exhale from my distracted Life to the perfectly still surface of the lake.
It lands in the center creating a tiny ripple...a tiny disturbance in the perfect peace and presence I have been witnessing.
The tiny ripple extends outward creating another tiny ripple and another... until my reflection becomes blurry.
I gasp in resistance as the image of who I am, the clarity and perfection, the peace and presence of this lake is disrupted. I spit out that disturbance from my struggling lungs. My peace is being swallowed up by these ripples and I shout out "No!"
I know I must do something about it.
I jump into the frigid depths. Splashing and splattering I swim towards the leaf at the center. With great desperation and contempt I swoop it up with my trembling hand. It and the weight of my resistance are like a heavy anchor within me. I am pulled down into the depths. Though there is something familiar and homey in these waters below the surface... I refuse to be swallowed into an abyss I cannot make sense of with my mind. I struggle to come back up to the surface of familiarity, creating more ripples, more disturbance with every movement I make. The ripples turn into waves, and the waves into rip currents...I choke on the turbulent water as it fills my lungs with each breath I take. I cling to the leaf even tighter.
Somehow, I manage,with leaf in hand, to awkwardly and painfully make my way back to the shoreline where I, crawling on exhausted limbs, pull myself up from the lake with its now thrashing waves. I collapse into the sand with the cause of disturbance tucked neatly in the palm of my clenched fist. I will not let it go. I will hang on to it as a reminder of what I must do.
It takes a long time for the waters to return to their pure state...to perfection, peace and presence... but they do. I smile then, pleased at myself for my accomplishment as I watch the sunlight flicker and dance once again on the clear surface.
I can rest.
That is until... the wind blows and another brittle leaf falls to the lake's surface to start the rippling all over again.
All is well.
What you call matter, or spirit, or mind, or anything else you may like to call them, the fact remains the same: we cannot say that they are, we cannot say that they are not. We cannot say they are one, we cannot say they are many. This eternal play of light and darkness-indiscriminate, indistinguishable, inseparable- is always there.
Vivekananda
What is more important than this?
Eckhart Tolle
I beleive tapping into the higher Self is the most important thing. That doesn't mean that our relationships are not important; that our health is not important; that our living situations are not important or that our jobs are not important. They are important but not as important as being in that Seat and staying there!
When we are centered in higher consciousness, clear and wise in a way we can never be as 'little me', we make all these other experiences better and healthier. Our relationships will be better, our health will be better, our living situations will be better and so will our professional lives.
Why?
Because there will be no reactivity, no attachment or need for these things to be a certain way. There will be no resistance. When we are centered we will be able to enjoy and participate freely and joyfully in whatever else is important in our lives.
Hmm! All is well
Eckhart Tolle ( September 8, 2024) Is your State of Consciousness More Important than Your Life Situation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL2oxXNd6zA
Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.
Carl Jung
I had a dream last night. I was hauled aside by a loved one of my GP and kindly asked to stop bothering him. I was shocked but needed more clarification. I was told that she heard I was saying unkind things. I felt terrible that I could be unintentionally hurting someone. So, I sat down with her and explained how much I respected him...and though I may have made comments when I did not agree with an approach or order as nurses tend to do, I never meant anything disrespectful. I wanted so desperately to ease her pain.
One of Those Dreams
That was "one of those" dreams I get and that is why I am here. I was, in a sense, being asked to face my own darkness. I know some growth or action is required after those dreams. Of course, dreams are very symbolic, right? Though, I understood the person making the request was a particular someone ...they didn't completely look like that someone. They were a morphed combination of different people I somehow knew even if I never seen them before. And the person we were talking about (that I thought was my GP) was actually a collection of all individuals that I have the potential of hurting or that I hurt in this life (or another). In order for my mind to understand the karmic effect of thoughts, words, and actions I was given a simple dream storyline to follow. An infinite number of beings showed up in one form; the multitude of life experiences showed up as one situation; and all the possible lessons in this curriculum showed up as one conversation. Universal laws like Karma, for the most part, go way beyond the human mind's ability to understand. Consciousness will often "dumb it down" for us as it did for me last night. :)
Karma?
Now, I have been actually thinking of having a sit down conversation with someone over what they were saying in the community about a loved one of mine...bordering on slander...and what they were inadvertently doing to 'punish' him. I was actually going to say those exact words that were whispered to me, "You need to stop bothering him." So, in this dream that person who approached me was also me.
The Learning
The big take away here was how bad I felt about possibly hurting another or having someone else hurting because they thought I said, did, or thought something hurtful. The shame and remorse was very intense, as was my empathy and compassion. Her pain was my pain. It was like a collective shame and guilt I was experiencing...as well as a collective empathy and compassion. I felt that connection. There was no "me".
Consciousness Can Stretch
Why did this all come out in a dream? Consciousness is free to stretch itself out when this idea of "me" isn't in the way. When we are sleeping the controlling 'me' isn't in charge.
Say what crazy lady?
The Effect of Doing What is Unnatural to Consciousness
I believe anything other than the higher energies of Love (and its little ducklings: compassion, empathy, kindness, happiness, peace etc) are foreign to Consciousness (or if you prefer to use the word 'soul'...that's fine too. To that who we truly are.) Even at the most physical level, any lower energy emotion or thought or deed makes us uncomfortable...because it is foreign to our true nature. It makes Life uncomfortable. When we hurt other beings intentionally or unintentionally it is very uncomfortable. So what do we do with this discomfort? Well...all of Life experience is meant to just come in, teach us something, help us to grow, and flow back out of us. We are meant to simply observe and experience not to judge or resist any of it. If we stayed 'clean' inside, all we would feel are these pure energies of Love. There would be no unkindness to another...no need to suffer.
Is that we do? No! We judge discomfort. We resist it! We explain it or defend our reasons for doing it. We suppress, repress, deny, avoid, supplement, numb, project and a host of other defense mechanism actions. We stuff it down and we store it. We clutter our pure Conscousness with junk, including our harmful actions be they merely thoughts or words. That deeply stuffed stuff becomes who we think we are and we do anything to protect it...thus the emergence of the idea of the 'seperate self'.
The seperate self is just an idea and our attempt to feed it, build it, protect it, explain its actions and therefore destroy the seperate self of others who we fear might harm it, leads to a lot more stuffing and storing, a lot more samskaras and a lot more karma. Consciousness just wants to flow. We end up having, however, all this lower energy stuff coiled up inside us that pure consciousness wants nothing to do with. That stuff is not meant to be in here. It is so ailien to conscsiousness that it is constantly getting pushed out but we, with our free will...stop it from coming up and out. We push it back down in defense of the "me". Consciousness just wants to be free of whatever is keeping it from flowing. When we harm others we feel the 'wrongness' of it merely because those actions are foreign to Soul. We stuffed the guilt and shame. When we go to bed at night, though, we are like volcanos with layers and layers of lava waiting to erupt out of us.
The Cleansing and Teaching Power of Dreams
Luckily, Consciousness doesn't push it all out at once. Our suppressed and repressed stuff only trickles out when we are sleeping. With this idea of "me" out of the way the mind begins to teach and purify itself through our dreams . We dream to release that which we resist releasing in our waking hours. Me is not in control during REM...consciousness is. Consciousness can do the teaching then. Consciousness can do some purifying and cleansing then. We can heal through our dreams if we recognizie what they are. What we think of as nightmares to be avoided are simply an expression of consciousness trying to free itself from under all the stuff we stored on top of it. Dreams can be so, so healing.
So, this dream may have little to do with the forms of persons in it but I will respond to the obvious side of that dream as well. Any of my sharing here about my health seeking challenges over the years had nothing to do with the person in question...I expressed in caveat form how I felt, for the most part, support and kindness from him in each entry (or so I thought). I hope I made that clear. If not, I am making it clear now. Rest easy...I have no intentions of bothering him or anyone else. I just want to embrace my dreams and heal.
Knowing your own darkness is the best method for knowing the darkness of other people. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The most terrifying thing is to accept onself completely. Your visions will become clear only when you can look inside your own heart. Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside awakes. Carl Jung
All is well
You cannot control what unfolds in front of you but you can control what you do with it
Michael A. Singer
This pain that awakes me every morning around five is teaching me something. I question what that lesson is. Sometimes I fall back to sleep as I ponder that question and other times, like this morning, I just sit up to meditate...not so much on that question but on Life in general. I just sit there in my bed...in easy pose...watching my breath...watching what is coming in through my senses, mostly the sounds of early morning...watching body sensations (the pain being one)...watching the feelings and thoughts as they arise...and watching that space behind it all when I fall back into it. (I fall in to and out of that space many times during a practice). Today I sat for an hour,with kriya included in that hour. ( I have no idea what I am doing with Kriya...I mean I set a pure intention, follow Yogananda's directions and add a few mantras but I have no idea what it is doing.)
Anyway, I got up afterwards to embrace the day (or at least give it one of those awkward hugs we offer people we really are not in the mood to hug) and here I am. Others have already approached me with, "Can I talk to you?" and I smiled and said "later". I need some space.
I listened to Michael Singer but as I listened I found myself restless in the moment thinking, "Maybe I need something a little more than a contemporary take on ancient wisdom...maybe I need to get a little closer to the source"... but I sat anyway.
Life is still unfolding around me. Some things are getting what my psyche deems as "better" ( which equates to simply matching my inner expectations), other things are remaining the same, and some things, like the pain, are getting what my psyche deems as worse. Such is Life. I think I am a bit more distanced from that unfolding and the coming and going of circumstance. I find myself back here in the Seat a little more and pulled out into the drama a bit less.
Have I made changes in my outer world? I guess I made more changes in my inner world. I made the decsion to let some things go...like my pears. There will be no canning this year. I might freeze some but I am not even committed to that. Sigh! I hate wasting nature's bounty but I guess my energy is nature's bounty too.
I bought new flooring and we are going to try it again. I feel a little bit better about it this time and I am going to be more actively involved, possibly trusting less, but I am confident we will do better by using different flooring and a different method.
Once the bathroom is done, I can put things back and clean up a bit. That will be such a relief.
I also got the ebook version of my book up so it will soon be available for those that might need it. ( I have yet to view the published version...I am quite sure I will open a copy up to discover glaring mistakes but hey...it is up!) It will be found on Kindle: All About the Sound: Making Learning English Easier with the 3 P Approach. ...over the next couple of days. The next step is the audio version as an audio companion to assist with reading comprehension. Of course, I am not looking for fame or fortune with it...just an opportunity to serve (that sounds so lame and corny, doesn't it? lol) It is a good thing I have no expectations because it too may fall into obscurity like most things I write. That outcome, I soothe myself, is not up to me. I did my part. I created and I shared. I leave the rest to the powers that be. I feel some peace knowing that I have it out there.
Actually getting things done for the trip too. I even had a moment of excitement the other day. I had some butterflies in my belly which of course was somehow veiled by all the going ons I have in my belly these days...but I felt it. It was there under the pain. It made me realize, too, how the pain was a knot or blockage both physically and energetically in the way of the good stuff coming up...I am confident that once I cleanse whatever is blocked there, the pain is going to go....and feelings like excitement will be the norm.
My daughter is on a medication to cover her until she gets into psychiatry...which is wonderful.We got through to a Nurse Practioner who both empathized with her situation and who prescribed. (I love nurses!) Not sure how that medication will work. It will take a few few weeks but it is something and it gives her a little hope.
I am still moderating the custody thing but I am confident that over time all that painful energy will diminish a bit and there will be less tension and more kindness and respect.
It is all good.
All is well in my world.
Knowledge is when you learn someting new everyday. Wisdom is when you let something go everyday.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I want to apologize for sharing so much...then I want to apologize for apologizing. Like everything...or at least almost everything I do here...I feel compelled to share what I am observing and learning. I shared what I have been experiencing with you because it was there unfolding in front of me...and there I was, this very imperfect human, reacting to it all. I felt compelled to share more than anything the "and it is all wonderful " part. All this 'personal' drama...all these challenges...all this reactivity...is wonderful. It feels like absolute crap lol...but man I get to experience it!! It is all just energy passing through and I get to watch this human experience it. I get to learn and grow because of it! Now...that is pretty cool.
For the part of me that overidentifies with this human experience...it isn't so cool. It actually kind of sucks. This that identifies is twisting and turning in a coil of suffering. Yet, every time this part gets aggravated by this energy...the more it gets pulled away. Our goal is to get rid of this part...this thing I created and called "me"....we speed that process along when we focus and allow the space between this part and the part that is watching get wider and wider. Hmm!
Right now...I am looking at the space. There is still utter chaos around me but because I am focusing on the space...I am not getting lost in the chaos. I am outside of it watching it. I am not sure how long I will stay here...that stuff around me is pretty loud, demanding, and sticky. It can pull one in pretty quickly ...filling in the distance between object and subject in a blink of an eye if one is not mindful. So, I am doing my best to stay mindful...for everyone's sake.
It is all good. Heck, it is all wonderful. I absolutely love learning and I am learning the most important things a student could ever learn.
All is well.
When you can stand in the presence of reality than your being, your inspiration, your divinity, your wholeness, your soul interacts directly with what has been created in front of you and that brings about such beauty,...the Tao...complete wholeness...
Who is interacting with this crap that is being created in front of me?
I have been having a tug-a-war with many things lately...my circumstances have been getting a little overwhelming in number, if not by quality and intensity ...definitely by number...boom, boom, boom...one hit from Life after another...(though there has definitely been some very "intense" things amongst the multitude of stressors that unfolded in front of me). And they unfolded...I didn't go looking for them lol.
Life said, "Here! Deal!" and I shocked, thinking , "Wow! Didn't I kind of advance beyond all this crap?" found myself grabbing the tug a war rope and gripping on pretty tightly. I had this intense inner experience of stress and reactivity, like I had to play this game mind was challenging me with, like I had no other choice. My mind was so noisy: "OMG look at this! Look at that! Deal with this! Deal with that! Do this! Do that! There is so much that has to be done. You need to do something about the suffering taking place around you. You need to finish that book and get it up. You need to find a way to deal with the pain so it isn't stopping you from doing the things you need to do. You need to get ready for the trip and find some way to pay for it! Why or why did you agree to go on a trip you cannot afford???? Look, how nothing works out for you. You are digging into empty pockets to get a bit of renos done ...and everything that could go wrong is going wrong! ( We discovered yesterday that there is a leak from our bathroom down into the basement kitchen. It isn't from the leaky sink...it is from the toilet...the wax ring was not applied right. All this time we have been using the toilet. That means there is no salvaging any of the new floor...but we also have to replace the floor beneath and all the ceiling tiles downstairs...not to mention the amount of sanitation that has to take place. I can't even go there right now...sigh. Yep! There is so much right now that I am closing the bathroom door and not dealing with it until I can. )
Today is a day for trying to ease suffering, possibly saving a life, and for pushing against some other doors that are so hard to open. ...I feel my grip tightening on this rope as I think of that.
Life is just doing Life, I know that! I do. It isn't personal. And for some reason...for a host of different varibles and causes I will likley never understand...all of these things showed up at the same time. 'This human' I call "me" is slipping just a bit from my practice and giving into old habit energy. I am reacting. I do know that all this reactive energy I am experiencing in response to this little onslaught from Life is not who I am. I do know there is no "pole star in here"... nothing healthy guiding me . Mind is a a noisy mess right now...and I do know that I do not have to listen to it!
Believe me, I want to stay detached and centered in the seat of consciousness....but...sometimes it feels like this tug a war rope is not only in my hands but tied around my waist. My heals are dug deep into the earth but I am moving toward the mud. I am moving. I don't want to go down but I can taste the mud in my mouth already.
Don't make everything....every life choice...every direction you go in a servant of the noise in your head...reactive energy...there is no guide in there...no polestar...nothing is guiding you...you are thrashing around trying not to drown....
anxiety...depression...need ...are just pictures the lower self holds up...these pictures have a nature
These pictures are being shoved right in my face. It is hard not to look. My focus on them is bringing me down
You can analyze the pictures or you can analyze who is looking.
The Self is behind the mind...and when you return to that place there is nothing but love. From here you can be inspired to act instead of being driven to act as the lower energies do....
The only reality is that which is in front of you...the rest is mind (unreal/maya)
I get all that from Singer's podcast (these statements may be paraphrased to some degree). We only have to deal with what is in front of us. Yet, what do we do when reality is so challenging...like when what is right in front of us is so much and so intense all at once? How do we deal then?
you do not have to listen to the noise inside....
apply the will and you can transcend
The only thing that works with habit energies is transcendence
I want to transcend this I do. I want to transmute all these negative energies into something beautiful. I want to use this multitude of experiences unfolding now as part of my practice. I want to open not close.
...blocked energies: anger, lust, greed, envy...can be transmuted to the love, peace etc...the real energy trapped beneath these blockages
I know I, as 'me', need to pull back. It is this idea of 'little me' that is in the way...resisting what is unfolding. I need to get out of the way.
...by you pulling back you make room for it to release inside...you are the blockage
If I hold onto this rope and continue to resist what Life is giving me, I will not win. I will get pulled into lower self. What I must do is let go of the rope and then untie what is around my waist. I can do that. All this negative energy of fear, anxiety, sorrow, stress that I am experiencing can be transmuted into compassion, first of all, (and I do see that happening in me) and then from there into something even more beautiful.
I have to trust that there is something much stronger and beautiful beneath these reactive energies. I want to focus on that more so than this that is unfolding in front of me and how my busy mind reacts to it. I do not have to listen to the noise it makes. I am only complicating reality when I do that. (Right now reality is challenging enough :)) .
...water finds a crevice...it finds a way to flow through...take what Life gives you...and you can raise the moment that passes by...you can become an instrument of Divine Will instead of little me's will
Hmm! I, who I really am, will get through this. The personal self might not but I will.
All is well!
Michael Singer/ Sounds True/ Temple of the Universe ( August, 2024) The Yoga of Letting Go. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w64NK2Ar5_s&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=2
For whoever will save his life, will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world but forfeits his soul?
Matthew 16: 25-26 ESV
The focus of what I am reading and listening to right now is all serendipitously centered around the idea that this world can not fulfill us in the way "self: little me" wants it to...nor can it fulfill us in the way Self wants it to, because Self is already fulfilled.
Vivekananda in his lectures on Jnana Yoga, way back in the late 1800's and very early 1900's, spoke of these words. A true yogi recognizes and deeply respects the teachings of Christ. Yet, many, many people who call themselves Christians see these yogic teachings as blasphemous. Sigh! These words make more sense to me through my yogi perspective than they ever did through my Catechism. Am I being blaspemous or just honest? And do you think Christ would care what I called myself with words and ideations or would He simply be glad that I understood what He was saying and was willing to live by it? (Of course, a yogi with a spiritual ego, who is initatied in a special way, may look at what I am saying as untrue and unfounded because they may look at me with contempt for even calling myself a yogi,)
'Christian' is just a word, 'yogi' is just a word, and 'Soul' is just a word, right? What the word 'soul' points to is of upmost importance but the word itself (as well as the connotations, convictions, and associations we humans in our collective forces tend to wrap words in) is not. I do not want to forfeit my 'soul' ( my section of conscousness, this life experience, my deeper Self) over anything the world might have to offer. I do not want to spend any more time doing this thing we humans tend to do: selecting and pushing away what the world offers as if what I want is more important than what I am here for. I see so clearly how it doesn't work. Happiness can not be found in worldly things! It really cant be. I know from the years I spent on this planet so far that the world cannot give me what I truly need and want. Man, I have been trying to get it from the world for way too many years...unsuccessfully. My grasping and pushing away doesn't work for more than a few moments at a time. The world has yet to give this human I call 'me' and lasting form of peace and happiness. It isn't suppose to! And besides, "Me" cannot be happy. We need to go deeper beyond desire.
I also see how it wasn't 'soul' that was searching for this gratification but this idea of "me" that was. And "me" is just another word...pointing to psyche , personality, a concept, a thought but nothing with true substance. It isn't who I am...just a 'spacesuit' that I wear. It is me that desires, not soul. The more "me" desires...the "more" it wants from 'out there'. It is never satisfied. The more we try to preserve this idea of me and its life...the more we will seek happiness in worldly things. Not only will we not find happiness by doing so, we will lose connection with what is real. We will forfeit the Soul. It is only when we are willing to lose this life: this idea of me...will we find Life.
Hmm!
There comes a time when the mind awakens from this long and dreary dream-the child gives up its play and wants to go back to its mother. It finds the truth of this statement, "Desire is never satisfied by the enjoyment of desires, it only increases the more, as fire, when butter is poured upon it."
Let's stop pouring butter on the fire.
All is well. ( It certainly isn't 'easy' right now...a lot going on for 'this human' to deal with...but it is well for that which "I am.")
Swami Vivekanada ( n.d.) Section 2.5: Jnana-Yoga; Complete Works. Kindle Edition
