Relief

Relief

Remove  just one shackle that keeps you chained

to this old way of thinking;

take one brick away  from the load

you  carry on your back;

pour  one drop of truth's elixir between

your parched and blistered lips;

apply cooling ointment to one wound

that oozes and throbs from the captor's whip;

give yourself  one moment to sit and rest 

your weary bones and hurting feet;

allow yourself  just one breath of freedom

from the torment your mind inflicts...

so mercilessly....

....and you will experience Relief.

 

Relief is not something I or the world can offer you.

It is something you must give yourself....

for you are both the captive

and the captor

in your story of Dukkha. 

 

Be kind...

remove yourself from this suffering....

with one bout of relief at a time.

Set yourself free....

and all will follow.

 

Dale-Lyn December 2019

 

 

Hmmm!  Had another one of those, "Oh you gotta get up!"  moments last night.  I didn't get up (I am just so tired these days lol). I had one word circulating through my mind all night and I cannot even remember what that word was...but this morning, this came to me.  Whether or not it is related to what was going on in my head last night, I will never know :). It really doesn't matter.

All is well!

Joy

Joy is the reward, really, of seeking to give joy to others.
- You know who ( desk top calendar...Andrew's McMeel, 2018)

The Art of Mind Training

The training of the mind is an art.  If this can be considered as art, one's life is an art.
-Dalai Lama (desktop calendar; Andrews McMeel Publishing; 2018)

There was something very profound that I wanted to write about.  It came to me in a dream and once again I said, "Ahhh...not getting up. Too tired.  I will remember it when I do get up in the morning."  Well I didn't remember it lol. 

When am I going to learn to get up when these things come to me?  Imagine if Milton didn't get up when "Paradise Lost" came to him...we would be without one of the greatest epic poems of history.  :)

Not that I have such an inspiration for classic pieces of literature rumbling through my dreaming mind in the middle of the night lol...but there is something I know I need to be tapping into. Maybe it is nothing more than a jingle for a dog food commercial...but something is telling me I need to get up and write it down.  :)

Don't go back to sleep.-Rumi

Anyway...ticker is acting up a bit , possibly related to the "stress" my mind convinced me I should be experiencing due to the recent circumstances.  Brady enough to make me nauseated, chesty and weak...but atlas...have been here many, many times before and I will come around.  Just glad I am not teaching a yoga class today. I may have given new meaning to downward facing dog.  ( I have a tendency to faint when I feel like this). It is all good...it really is.

What was the major point of my inspiration last night?  I know it fell along the same lines I have been writing about.  You know... all the usual?  That so called "happiness" is not found outside, it is found inside.  That all there is to live is now.  That we are so much more than our bodies, minds, circumstances. That we extend way beyond this idea of "little me" we fight so hard to defend and maintain. Hmm!  I guess, it relates to today's quote from the calendar, to the art of training the mind to see and understand these truths.

The last couple of weeks were an amazing learning opportunity for mind training, for creating my own form of epic poetry throughout my day. I am grateful for this Life art.

Hmmm!

All is well.

The Unseen Blessings of the Mind

A man's felicity consists not in the outward and visible blessing of fortune, but in the inward and unseen perfections and riches of the mind.
-Thomas Carlyle

So, so tired this morning.  My day turned out much better yesterday than I expected. Well I really wasn't placing expectations on it anyway and because of that lack of attachment to outcome,  I walked away relieved but not thrilled or over-joyed.  The thing is...it didn't impact me that much other than offering a bit of relief of the worry I carried (though I kept saying I wasn't carrying it lol).  I really was ready to accept whatever...wasn't going to be blown away by bad news nor would I be jumping up and down with "good".  I was just going to accept!  Which, I have come to believe after years of doing things the hard way, is the healthiest way to approach Life.

Well, I did not get the life altering news I thought might have been possible to receive, which definitely provides a great deal of relief from an imminent threat.  But (I feel guilty putting a but in there :))...I didn't get the closure either.  More tests...I need to go for more darned tests. Ugh!!!! I am one of those people that do not like to be in between things.  Either tell me it is something so I can begin processing or tell me it is nothing so I can walk away and put it out of my mind forever.

But atlas...this is what we got and where we are. It really is no big deal!  If it were a big deal...that would have been put on the table yesterday.  That would have been obvious. So that is a blessing and the relief it brings now is also a blessing.

Though I didn't get ..."It's nothing...put it out of your mind...all done!" ...the outcome of yesterday's appointment could have been much worse.

I am so grateful for the care and attention the professionals ( especially my GP) devoted to this matter. I am even more grateful for the new way I can use this mind of mine with its unseen perfections and riches.

I am blessed.

Hope for Happiness??

I always say the purpose of life is to be happy.  There are no guarantees about the future, but we live in hope.
-Dalai Lama ( the calendar)

The Problem with the word Happiness

I am always cautious with the word happy.  It is just a word doing nothing but pointing a finger at something deeper but the word itself has always seemed too superficial to me for some reason.  Happiness seems to be an ego word, representing something conditional and gained by seeking outside the Self.   I prefer joy, peace, compassion, love....to happiness.  Just me, I guess,  and the way the word resonates inside me ( it doesn't lol).  Now I do use it, a lot,  knowing that others look at it differently.

So anyway...the purpose of life is to be happy ( i.e.  joyful, open, alive, peaceful, grateful,  enthusiastic, inspired, compassionate and loving). And if we are not feeling it now in this present moment we "hope" that we will reach that "happiness" in some moment up ahead. 

The future as we all know can not be predicted, controlled, fixed or guaranteed to go a certain way.  As long as we seek happiness in it and depend on everything in the future working out a certain way, the less likely we will actually find this idea of happiness.

But as the Dalai Lama says we live in hope of finding it someday. Hmmm!  Hope is another concept that trips me up.  (My bad for contradicting the Dalai Lama) .

The Problem with the Concept of Hope

Now it has its merits for sure. I much prefer the feeling of so called hope over the feeling of despair...big time.  It is a nice feeling to  hope...it pulls us from the depth of defeat and makes one a little taller and more energetic.  That's good. There is no doubt about that but hope again takes us away from the present moment to the future where we assume, project, and wait for this thing called happiness. It is still a future projection.  The hope we are looking for is usually  based on conditional outcomes, depending on  something to change in our external environments  to make us happy, is it not??

Does that not deny the truth that all we need to be happy is right here , right now regardless of what is going on around us or to us?

See...I have this conditioned notion right now that I need "hope" to get me through tomorrow and the upcoming days and weeks.  Most people, if they knew what I had going on, would say, "Be positive!  Don't give up hope. Things will work out!" I myself, would probably say that to someone having the same experience.

Yet, things may or may not have the outcome others would deem necessary for happiness. Yes, things may work out positively and that is great.  Everything may be just honky dory after tomorrow which will definitely make feeling peace a lot easier, let me tell ya.


But....

 At the same time I know, after all my seeking truth, that my peace does not have to  be dependent on what happens tomorrow.  My waiting for a positive outcome tomorrow is not going to allow peace ( my version of happiness) to flow through me right now.  Let me rephrase that...it is not going to connect me to the feeling of peace that is flowing through me right now.

Does that make sense?

Hope is a higher energy frequency than defeat is.  (Don't get tripped up by that 'energy' word...you know how tired and listless you feel in defeat and despair...compared to the skip in your jump when you are optimistic and hopeful...right?  That's energy!)  You want that energy. But it is not "hope' that you need.

Just Don't Close!

You want the opening it provides. You do want that higher energy coursing through you and your Life.  You do want to feel grateful, in awe of Life, enthusiastic...what his holiness refers to as "happy". Our purpose is to keep that energy flowing in us and others. 

All I am saying is that we just need to tap into that feeling that is already in us, always will be in us...right here, right now!!! We don't wait until things turn out a certain way and hope for the best!!!  Regardless of any possible outcome we open up now to this feeling.  As long as we are not feeling it (whatever word you choose to use to describe it) ...we are simply closing up to what is there.  It has nothing to do with what is going on around us or to us.  We simply decide to be open ...which is translated  by most people as ...we decide to be happy unconditionally.  (Singer, 2007)

Hmmm!  I am willing to be happy (i.e. joyful, peaceful, grateful, open, alive, enthusiastic, compassionate, loving etc.) unconditionally regardless of what tomorrow's outcome is.  I don't need hope.  I just need to stop closing.

All is well.

Michael Singer ( 2007) the untethered soul. Oakland,CA: New Harbinger/NoeticBooks

Remembering

Beauty exists not in what is seen and remembered, but in what is felt and never forgotten.
Johnathan Jena (https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/remembrance)

I am remembering and missing two people I loved and lost in the month of December.  There is my beautiful sister ( the one I am writing my latest book about) who died suddenly and unexpectedly in her sleep in 2004, at the age of 45.  And there is my Dad who lost his battle with cancer, dementia and heart failure in 2015.

I found this poem about my Dad. My sister wrote this shortly after he passed.   So I am going to publish it here and if by chance she is reading this ( I assume and hope she gave up on my "woo-woo nonsense" lol long ago), you may never hear from me again. She will kill me!!!

She is a brilliant writer, much better than me in many ways.   This poem captures my Dad to a tee...it is almost if I can reach out and grab the cap from his head when I read these words.

First, take the gleam

from the hood of a red truck

And then a small sliver of rust from its dent

along with the Virgin Mary, plastic and blue, from the dash...

Now add the smell from the inside of a ball cap

But only from one well worn – from someone who

worked long in the sun

who chewed tobacco because it was said

to be less deadly than smoking

But  just  in case

also take the  few remaining Player’s Light

 From the glove compartment because tobacco chewing

Is often as seasonal as two- tone arms

or very shy uncles

And take work boots – only Kodiaks will do

And trees on flat beds with their roots heavy and wet

and wrapped securely in burlap sacks

And don’t forget the garbage

On the passenger side floor—

especially the smell of fried onions from

the white paper box

Now take each of these

and place it upon the other

until you have the soft light of a summer evening

and your father pulling in the drive

 My sister, 2015

(I will leave her name out to protect her privacy [and my life]...but it is copyright protected.)

 

I also ran across a poem about my sister that I wrote after she passed, while I was still grieving.  Should have put it first because it  cannot compete with the one above. lol.  I will publish it here anyway, just to honor my sister.

 

Sometimes

Sometimes,

I feel you here

quietly sitting in a corner

leaning slightly onto

elbows resting on a bouncing knee.

You do not speak,

do not pass on your funny  stories

or your wisdom.

You don’t blow smoke rings

from  your MacDonald’s cigarette

over steamy cups of King Cole tea.

You don’t pull disobedient strands of long dark hair

behind your ears

the way you used to.

 

Nor do you cough in fits

 

or gasp to catch your breath

 

with each round of bubbly laughter

 

you release into the stale air

 

that I am, too often,

 

drowning in.

 

 

Yet...

 

Sometimes,

I sense you around me.

Hear an echo of that laughter

rumbling between these walls of solitude,

reaching way inside my heart

pulling out smiles

from places I thought were closed.

Faint traces of your perfume will

sometimes

override the odor of the morning’s bacon

that lingers on my drapes

and I will think of you.

You become a warm feeling … then

in the center of my chest.

That spark that once stirred in your cat green eyes

 will settle upon me

making the hairs on my arms dance in delight.

 

Sometimes,

I feel your sisterly arm around my shoulder.

Everything I didn’t say or didn’t do

is forgotten.

I feel peace

as your forgiveness wraps itself

around me in the rays of light

shining in from the  kitchen window. 

I feel your love and I know... 

I know…

 

it is all going to be Okay.

 

Me 2005

 

 

It is all so very good!

 

 

 

 

Go Back to the Bedroom

All suffering is caused by ignorance.  People inflict pain on others in the selfish pursuit of their own happiness and satisfaction.
-Dalai Lama (Desk top calendar; Andrews McMeel Publishing, 2018)

It is so ironic how these quotes always seem to match what I am reading about, listening to or thinking about when I read them each morning.

Let's look at the Dalai Lama's words which so echo so many other wise voices.

All suffering is caused by ignorance.

He begins by saying "all" suffering...not just some suffering but all suffering is caused by ignorance.  And what is ignorance?  Ignorance is not knowing where happiness truly originates.  It is assuming that it is found out there when it is found within us.  This ignorance puts us on a ceaseless, never ending quest of searching and seeking outside ourselves for something that is found inside.

I relayed this story before from Swami Vishnu-devananda's The Complete Illustrated Book of Yoga (Three Rivers Press; 1988). 

The Search for the Golden Needle

There was a lady who was sewing with a precious golden needle that was near and dear to her heart.  While she was sewing in the dim light of her bedroom, she dropped the needle and panicked in fear that she had lost it.  In a desperate search to find it she went out to the garden and began searching frantically  for the needle under the bright moon's light.  A neighbor seeing her in the garden came over to help her find it. 

"What are we looking for ?" asked the neighbor. 

"A golden needle," the frantic older lady replied. 

"Well where about did you lose it?"  the neighbor questioned further, wanting to focus their search in the right area. 

"Oh ...I lost it in the bedroom." 

" In the bedroom???" The neighbor gasped exasperated, after hours of searching.  "Then why are we out here in the garden if it is the bedroom?' 

"Because there is not enough light in my bedroom.  There is more light out here and I can see better." (page 305)

Too many of us are like the old lady and  continue to suffer because of our ignorance.  In our sense of feeling like we lost something,  instead of turning toward the place where this happiness is and always was,  we search for it outside. How ignorant is that?

People inflict pain on others in their selfish[and misguided] pursuit

When we search outside the Self we may see clearly with the eyes on our heads but we do not "see" clearly, we search in ego's domain. To our physical senses this makes  sense right?  If I see it...it must be real.  I therefore must depend on my senses to help me find this happiness.  "My" senses; "my" happiness..."my" world...."my " search. 

This "me, my, and mine" focus that guides our search separates us from one and another. 
We look at others around us  only as tools to help us find our golden needles or enemies that stand in the way of our finding it.  We use them, we push them aside, we ignore them, we attack and defend because of them, we love them when they help us search in "our" gardens and we hate them when they don't!  In our desperate pursuit to be happy we can inflict pain on others even if we are not aware we are doing so.  It is a misguided pursuit when we do this, not only because we are looking in the place where happiness cannot be found, but because as long as we inflict pain on any one we will never be happy. 

of their own happiness and satisfaction.

This satisfaction and happiness we seek does not belong to the "little me"....it belongs to all. If I hurt my brother in an attempt to find it...I hurt myself.  By tracing my steps away from my misguided seeking ...back to the bedroom (the seat of the soul) even if I can't see in there with my physical eyes I will find what I am looking for. We do not need our senses, our ego's, our misguided thinking to find truth.  We just need a bit of stillness and a reconnection to what is real.  We will then understand that the happiness and satisfaction we seek is something we share with all. There is no "me", "my" or "mine" attached to the golden needle of truth.  It belongs to all. Happiness is not an individual pursuit.

All is well.

Swami Vishnu-devananda (1988) The Complete Illustrated Book of  Yoga. New York, NY : Three Rivers Press

The Awkwardness of "me"

I wondered how many people there were in the world who suffered, and continued to suffer, because they could not break out from their own web of silence and reserve, and in their blindness and their folly built up a great distorted wall in front of them that hid the truth.
Daphne du Maurier, Rebecca (http://www.myawesomequotes.com/quotes-about-being-socially-awkward/)


Social Awkwardness

I have spent most of my life experiencing 'awkwardness' in social situations.  I have learned to stand up in front of hundreds of people and deliver without a quiver in my voice...but if I "have-to" ( unhealthy phrasing, I know lol) get dressed up and go mingle in a crowd...I feel awkward. Big time!  (My mind wants to say: "I am awkward" but that is not correct I know!).

Ego steps in with a vengeance at those times to pay be back for all the times I spent dishing it lol and I lose that sense of Self.  It habitually gets covered over by a neurotic "little me"...that fears it won't be received well or will say or do something "stupid"....that it will be rejected and pushed aside. I am not my Self in many social situations.

I can psychologically trace  back to "why" I experience this but that is a part of my past.  I don't want it to  define me or excuse me forever.  I just like to be aware of it, notice it and watch this "awkward little me" come up.

Watching it Go Down

As uncomfortable as it is at the time, it is just amazing to watch this happening to me.  All the recovery and healing work I have done over the years, all the evolving and true confidence I have gained...will give the lime light to this awkwardness of ego, for some reason...when I am in a social situation.

Even though I was excited about seeing a dear old friend again after years, I wanted to avoid the get together last night.  I wanted to avoid that discomfort and that part of myself I really don't like. I would like to stay away from any uncomfortable need to create appearances but such things don't make that possible.

Putting on an Acceptable Costume

I was in a semi panic trying to find something half decent to wear ( I have very little dress clothes these days as I am no longer teaching...gave most of them away) and I have not the money to buy a lot of clothes...(last thing in the world I would think to spend my money on).   I did, however,  have a gift card from Winner's so I used it in a very quick shopping trip to find something reasonably okay for such a thing.  Of course, though I liked it when I bought it...my neurotic little ego had something to say about it when I was getting ready yesterday. Shoes were a big problem. I bought a pair of pumps years ago when I was having the pedal edema and now that that is seldom an issue, they were too big when I tried them on...but they were the only things that worked with the outfit.  So I ended up wearing them with an outfit that may have been too out of season and too young for someone my age.  I not only felt feel uncomfortable with my appearance...I literally couldn't walk lol. And it was so obvious.

Anyway,  as I observed myself staggering and tottering in my high heels, stammering  and speaking a bit too loudly, looking away from the eyes of others and straining to smile in this tight awkward way I adopted...I just watched and found myself saying "Wow!  Look at this awkward little me take over.  Hmmm!  It is quite something to know that this part of me is still around after all these years, all the Self discovery work I have done...that it has the ability to step in so obviously and take me from my center...is quite amazing.  Really!"

Observing

Normally I would go home after such an event and cringe about how awkward I was and even ask forgiveness from someone or something out there for my social ineptness...but this time ...after  a few quiet reconnecting to Self moments...I just thought: "Cool!  I have to look into this to determine why that 'shame' is still there." And I will

Besides I don't think I am the only person who feels uncomfortable or somewhat awkward in social situations.  It is after all ego's playground, is it not?  Where there is ego there will be a disconnection from Self...and that is where the awkwardness stems from.  Imagine what a social gathering would be like if everyone in the room was operating from the true Self without any need to people please, put on appearances or come off a certain way.  Imagine if no one felt any social anxiety or fear and shame  in any of its forms.  That would be one cool party, wouldn't it?

I find that interesting.  I will look into it further.


It is all good