Making the Darkness Conscious

 One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely. Your visions will become clear only when you can look inside your own heart. Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside awakes.  Carl Jung 

I want to awaken and I am willing to look inside, to make the darkness conscious.  I was just not expecting quite so much darkness. Sigh. I have some stuff in here that is so dark I cannot see it. It was buried so, so deep and is now hidden from regular memory by some grace I have yet to understand.  There is a reason that it was buried so deep. Though I cannot remember the cause of it or see it clearly, I know it forms the greatest samskara blockage in me...It is like a giant bolder affecting absolutely every aspect of this human life. I bravely face my fear to look inside, removing all secondary arrows that it somehow pulls toward it, but the first arrow causing the deepest wounding is still in the way  of my ability to see within my heart. The unrecollected memory is surrounded by so much darkness. And like dark matter in a black hole, it has the ability to pull my conscious awareness down into it. My external life seems to be a reflection of it.  I am tired of being led through life by this thing I can't even see. I want to heal. To experience the light. This samskara has to go!

Be careful what you wish for.

I have intended and prayed for an acceleration of this samskara release process. Last night I had dreams that showed my prayers were being answered. The darkness is becoming conscious and Grace, understanding what is hidden in those depths, is willing to oblige my wish, but only by allowing a little bit of that energy and associated memory up at a time.  Pandora's box is being opened one crack at a time. That was a good call. The bit that came up in glimpses of memory is pretty horrible. I would likely not be able to handle it all at once.

In one dream snippet last night I was accepting my broken self (was actually hugging and consoling a form of another that I later realized was me.) Imagine.

That repressed stuff also came up with chest pain...a different type of chest pain than the kind I get with the vasospasms. This kind is like the proverbial "something sitting on my chest" thing and is much more persistent. Kind of explains the heavy sweating that has been happening lately too. I am quite sure, on a physical level, it is a form of angina. (Which I will take care of in a physical way: rest, A.S.A. and nitro...a visit in later if it doesn't get better). On a deeper level, could it be the movement of some trapped energy upward into the heart chakra?  I do not feel that tightness in my core this am.  It is all in the chest. Wow!  Imagine if that were the case.

So, though it is going to be far from pleasant I am going to continue to make this darkness conscious...to encourage and allow whatever is down there to come up into conscious awareness. I want to respect the dream state's way of handling this...I do...but part of me is wondering if hypnosis for memory recall will speed the process along. This amount of "horrible" coming up, might need the help of a professional as well. 

A lot to think about.  If anything, I think it motivated and inspired me to get back to my novel.

All is well