From Animal Surival to an Archeological Dig to the Core of Who We Are

 We fear to know the fearsome and unsavory aspects of ourselves, but we fear even more to know the Godlike aspects of ourselves.

Abraham Maslow

The need for approval from others is a tricky thing to get rid of and I don't actually think we can get rid of it altogether.  We are hardwired through our nervous systems to maintain our place in the pack.  As mammals interdependent on a social pack to ensure our survival it is impossible to completely diminish this instinctual need to be accepted. We need, therefore, other approval to some degree. We are also wired to experience intense reactions when we do not get that approval or when we receive its opposite...again a survival warning sign that our expulsion and therefore our demise may be imminent if we do not change our behaviour. 

Beyond the Biological Need to Belong

Some of us have very heightened nervous systems with over active amygdala's and others have underactive or underdeveloped prefrontal cortexes...so this surival thing gets over exaggerated.  It seems that everything is a threat to survival even when it doesn't make sense....  We cannot always "talk ourselves down" or rationalize our way to a sense of safety and security or to a sense of belonging. Some of us also have deeply conditioned beliefs(from the pre-seven-year-old programming) that tell us that who we are is not something the pack wants or needs.  We better, then, pretend to be whatever the pack needs us to be so we don't get kicked out. We build layer after layer of protective personality over this core belief that we are defective and worthy of expulsion. We begin to see ourselves as those upper layers of protection, denying what is underneath them, even though what is underneath will still get triggered by life events and seep up again and again. We live in a perpetual state of "imposter syndrome". 

The Dig Inward

Then as we begin this journey of healing inward, we are told we need to remove the layers or more precisely let those upper layers be debrided away by Life. Instead of clinging to them, defending them, claiming ourselves to be who they are...we begin to gingerly let go of those false selves we created to belong. We try to find our way inward to the One true authentic Self that resides in the core. 

Like an archeological dig, the journey is an arduous one. As each layer is peeled away, we become more and more raw...with less and less protection. Its scary. In our lengthy excavation we suddenly hit that pre-seven-year-old programming that was so well hidden from view but at the same time contaminating all the soil layers above it. It's like hitting cement...the shovel's reverberation can be intense sending shock waves through us. 

I hit that layer hard!  If your programming is anything like the junk I have been carrying around and been subliminally controlled by...it can be overwhelming to face...especially because we are now red and raw without protection, without the guise of our imposter costume to escape behind. We have to face who we have always truly believed we were. Then, there staring up at us is this belief of how unworthy we are. We see that our lives have been determined by this belief that we are not worthy, not good enough to stay in the pack. Without our false masks we are exposing our selves to be seen as these imposters and deeply fear we will be thrown out. Our demise feels like it is imminent. 

If we are not careful...we can get stuck here.  I sense that it is a very precarious spot to be in. Mental and physical health can be greatly affected by the negativity that occurs here, by the intense reactivation of the amygdala and the rest of the nervous system, by the heaviness that comes with realizing these beliefs. Right now I see the impact on my body.  My immune system has made a hasty exit it seems.  My ticker is acting up.  My mouth is inflamed again as are other parts of my body. Having wicked night sweats at night. It's crazy!  As for my mind...it is screaming at me to "Run!" and I am like "Where? Where can I run to now? I have already dismantled most of my hiding places." 

I realize I just have to sit with these beliefs and the reality of  this programming until I am ready to move on. And it is very, very heavy. Not a heck of a lot of fun, let me tell ya!

Hmm! At the same time I know...that this layer too...is not who I am. I am committed to keep digging. This layer  is not the core I am digging towards.  It is, however, where most forms of psychology and science will stop, but I know in my heart there is something deeper than this.  I want to keep digging...even though I realize not many go beyond this level and there is not much encouragement to do so. I won't have the support I had to dig through the upper layers.  It will be challenging to settle into this so I can get beyond it.

I have to soften the earth here before I can go deeper.  As I wait for the ability to go beyond this layer, I  sit with the artifacts I am discovering...see how they impacted my life...possibly see where they came from and learn from them.  I need to accept their part in the history of this human I call me without getting pulled down into the story again. It won't be easy but I can do this. If I can do this, anybody can do this!

This layer I am at now is the last human layer to dig through. What awaits beneath it is the Being level...the One being layer. Part of me has to die...all my ego layers, including this last layer of core belief programming must go...before I can experience proverbially rebirth at the deepest level. 

When the layers soften enough for them to be peeled away I will go deeper to the light I know is there. That Who I Am is hidden like a buried tomb of treasure beneath all this ego stuff that was piled on top of it. I am determined to uncover it...if not in this lifetime, in the next. Sigh!

But for now I am, like many of us, seemingly stuck at the slow part of the dig. It seems like we are drowning in these new and not so new discoveries. It is painful for sure, but this stage like all things in life will pass. We will find our way through if we make the light of who we really are our pole star.

Anyway, quite the ramble, eh? My twisted mind took this human from a rampage on the animal-like survival need for approval... to an archeology dig for  the soul of who we are.  Now that is a busy day. :)

All is well.