It is the false shame of fools to try to conceal wounds that have not healed.
Horace
As I have been writing, I have hit a very yucky stage of the dig inward. It is the stage where old protective layers have been eroded or dug away and we are forced to see the unhealed wounds we have been trying to conceal. The dark shadows we have spent our lives running from are once again staring up at us.
I am feeling more than a bit off. I am facing the reactivation of old shame wounding at the concrete layer of my Self excavation. As a result I suddenly am so aware of how I feel ashamed about almost everything I do or don't do enough of.
To be shame-bound means that whenever you feel any feeling, need, or drive you immediately feel ashamed.
John Bradshaw
It is almost like the shame creates experiences to be ashamed of? It's more than a bit crazy. Sigh! This stage sucks! :)
I know this is about more than just the cat issue or what life and my body is or isn't doing. It is about where I am right now in the healing process, with the exposure of this samskara of unworthiness I uncovered on this dig inward. I feel so vulnerable to one of the greatest fears...being kicked out of the pack because I am not only defective and not enough, but this is e exemplified by possibly doing harm to another being...sigh. So weird. I I can't seem to do things right to help my cat or others. I know it is weird and irrational but at the same time it all seems so real to my nervous system. Shame and fear, once again exposed from beneath the layers of protective ego that once covered them, seem to be the default mechanism that directs my body and mind?
Did this yesterday. It is a long one.
All is well
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