Pearls of Wisdom Formed By Irritating Sand

 

From a grain of sand in the pearl comes.

Confucius

From "All About Me"....

Another irritating grain of sand has been tearing up my insides. I am hoping it is making a pearl in the form of a cleared-up infection and not the beginning of a head-to-toe rash. I feel very ill on this antibiotic and the gums are sore and swollen still. They are worse, actually. Sigh! I also feel like I am getting caffeine pumped nonstop through my veins ...wired (and not in a pleasant way)!! This body, I can tell from this point, is too sensitive to this antibiotic. It does not want this medication in it...like it is knowingly but unwillingly ingesting a toxic substance (which it is). Is it "hypersensitive" to Flagyl like it is to some others?  I suspect it might be. I will soon find out. A rash will prove the point. 

And though I gratefully have much more ROM in my neck and am doing more...it is still irritating and annoying...I just cannot get comfortable. I have been lifting my grandchildren too which is not the wisest thing to do with this neck the way it is...(How can one say "no" to a child asking to be picked up?) I also have not been doing my hatha yoga practice, so I am stiffening up around the injury, making matters worse. 

I am just so uncomfortable in this skin right now.

Can you hear a thousand tiny little violins being played all over the world? lol

A Grain of Sand

So, I woke up irritated at 3. I was tossing and turning from one position to another because of the neck. At one point I heard myself saying, "Man! I am wired!" I really felt like I guzzled three large double doubles from Timmy's before going to bed. (Translation: very large coffees with two sugar and two creams, from Canada's coffee place-Time Horton's). 

"WTF [front door]?"

It took me a minute to connect this insomnia to the medication, but some antibiotics (like ingested toxins) can cross the blood-brain barrier of the brain. They can be like grains of sand in that delicate tissue. The more "sensitive" one is, the more irritating. I am, I guess, like the princess in The Princess and the Pea lol. My body can pick up the most minor of discretions... sometimes. The grains of sand in this life unfolding in front of "me" appear to be everywhere. Even my brain is irritated. 

Anyway, long story short... and to answer that unspoken question.

Well crazy lady how did you handle the irritation? 

I meditated, of course.  I sat up. I sat with what was going on in the body; with what was going on in the mind (not so positive); and what was going on in the heart (the irritation itself- tried to strip it of its story so I could just experience that feeling of irritation). 

I found myself at one point asking, "How do I get past all this irritation to the deeper consciousness behind thinking mind...to the soul?"

A Pearl of Wisdom

Then there was suddenly a big "WTF[front door]? Whenever I sit, I attempt to get to higher consciousness, the soul...the Ananda body...the Atman etc. from out here. It is as if there is this "me" out here trying to get through some veil of disturbance to another place-in there.

 'Who' is trying to get there? Is there a 'who', that is not the soul but attempting to get to the soul? There can't be...I am that higher consciousness that I am trying to get to. I am the soul. That is who I am. So, it must be "I am" that is meditating and trying to get through all this irritation to "I am." There is no other entity called "me" trying to get to "I am". No entity called "me" exists.

Where is this "I am" trying to go and from where? I am both the destination and the point of departure. I am literally not going anywhere. I am here. There is no "out here" and "in there". There is just here, now."

WOW! 

...to "All About I am"

Thanks to that 'grainy' irritation I felt last night, I was gifted with a realization. I was taken from a delusional "me-irritant" focus to a focus on a potential pearl for humanity. We need to realize we are not a seperate "little me" with all its so-called irritants and problems...seeking to get someplace else.  There is no "me". There is nowhere to go. We...every single one of us... are Consciousness seeking Itself. We are the non moving "I am" in the center of a circumference. 

Now, I have intellectualized and narrated this idea many times on my journey but I never felt it like I did last night. I never quite had this realization of "non-locality" before. It kind of blew me away. 

Thanks to a little more irritation, a pearl (of wisdom) was formed. 

All is well. 

What Does a Yogi Want and Need?

 If you want to be a Yogi, you must be free, and place yourself in circumstances where you are alone and free from all anxiety.

Vivekananda

Whether I have a right to or not, I call myself a "Yogi"  or "Yogi-wanna-be" realizing that "yogi" is just a word or label.  I want what that word, that pointer, that concept points to. I do want to realize Self.I want to be free. So, does that mean I need to put myself in circumstances where I am alone? I am certainly not alone...let me tell ya! How I crave uninterrupted time alone. 

I am also supposed to be placing myself in circumstances where I am free from all anxiety? Well...I am certainly not there, am I? This neck pain...this tooth issue...are all related to a certain projection of internal tension.  My body is hanging on to and reflecting that tension. A sneeze wouldn't have given me this "whiplash" or "VCF" in my neck...(whatever it proves to be)...if I wasn't "tense". This tooth issue would not be if it wasn't for cracks in teeth related to "jaw clenching"...another sign of tension. 

I am a Yogi-wanna-be and I am fully aware that I am not in the best set of circumstances to achieve that. 

You suffer because you decided how you wanted everything to be and it is not that way. Singer

So, I am not living in the most perfect set of circumstances for "yogihood". Am I living in the right set of circumtances for "ego-hood"? Ahh...no! Ego is not getting what it prefers. I experience all these little irritations all the time.  The body is experiencing all these irritations in the form of pains, discomforts, "issues"...Ego is not comfortable dealing with all this.  Life circumstance is also not "pleasant" for the ego.  It is not easy. And the mind? Well we know that what goes in this Non -Stop -Thinking Personal Mind most humans are equipped with is not comfortable for the ego either. And I am doing what most humans do. I am seeking comfort.  I am grasping and clinging to whatever I can find. 

He who desires a comfortable and nice life and at the same time wants to realize Self is like the fool who, wanting to cross the river, caught hold of a crocodile, mistaking it for a log of wood. (Vivekachudamani, 84)

Sometimes, things will show up and this ego, that wants to be comfortable, will say , "Oh Wonderful! I am getting something that will make life more comfortable for me."  

For example, the other day D. traded his truck in for a Lexus (It is a 2018 with affordable payments.). It is a beautiful car....a car my ego would previously have dreamed of owning.  This car, unlike the truck, I knew, I could drive. When I sat in it for the first time, I felt this "hope" in me emerge. It was so luxurious, like brand new, and so "clean" compared to the truck.  "Maybe, this human I call "me" will have a bit of comfort, after all", I thought. "Maybe, this is a sign that the external circumstances for this human can be easier?"

 No sooner than I thought that, I felt and heard the air in some proverbial balloon seeping out in one big hiss. I realized, first of all, that it was just a car....a car that would lose its appearance, cleaniness, and luxuriousness within a few weeks (or days) of carrying three dogs around in it.  Second of all, I realized it was D.'s car, not 'mine'. It would not provide this "me" the comfort and ease it was still hoping for.  The reality is, I...as a seperate little human... still don't have a car...a quick independent means of getting from here to there. I am still in the same place I was prior to the purchase of this vehichle. Ego is not comfortable with that.

"I am" comfortable with that though...and after ego fizzled off with all that air in the balloon...I realized that the car was just like a crocodile tail I grabbed onto, mistakening it for a log that might make this human's journey through this life easier. My priorities got mixed up again. I remembered that what I really wand from this journey is to realize Self, not make a nice, comfortable life for ego. 

Is it ironic that this car arrived at a time when I physically couldn't drive? (I can't look over my shoulders)...Taking me a little quicker to this realization?

So, do I still need to change my present circumstances in order to be a Yogi? 

Don't get me wrong. I am fully aware that the car is neither here or there. It was just a little antecdote used to make a point.  It doesn't matter if I drive a Lexus or my grandson's tricycle to work lol (neither will make me more or less a so called "yogi") . The way I am living now, however, does seem to do the opposite of allowing me to be "alone and free from anxiety". That is what I am pondering. None of 'this' feels right to me anymore. Sometimes, I think my body is also reflecting the external tension these life circumstances provide. I feel that need for change again.

Change or not, I need, once again, to get my mind off myself and get back to Yoga!

What are you doing, making you the center of the universe? 

Get your mind off yourself...This is yoga. Yoga is a body of knowledge that is the deepest body of knowledge that has ever been collected in all humanity, in all of time...It is about from here to there [going from being tangled up in your personal mind to complete and utter freedom.] Michael Singer

Hmm!

All is well.

Michael A. Singer/ Temple of the Universe/ Sounds True (August, 2025) Gratitude for the Miracle of Life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_lHPst_cvpg&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1

Vivekananda (n.d.) 2.3 Hints on Practical Spirituality. The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda. Kindle

From a Grain of Sand to a Pearl

 A grain of sand gets washed into the shell of an oyster and irritates it. The irritation produces a secretion in the oyster, which covers the grain of sand and the beautiful pearl is the result. Similarily, external things furnish us with suggestions, over which we project our own ideals and make our objects.

A long wait in an emergency room can definitely be like a grain of sand. Yet, when we realize the opportunity for the creation of a pearl through this minor irritation...cool!

My nine and a half hour wait birthed a pearl.  There were definitely some positive outcomes from the experience: I lucked in again. I got the same kind and thorough triage nurse I had last time and I also got a very thorough doctor who took everything I said very seriously. I felt very seen and very heard.  He ordered a very thorough Xray...anterior and lateral view. There doesn't appear to be a compression fracture but because of the inflammation, I am going to wait on a radiologist's confirmation in case there is an itsy bitsy one in there (something is going on the vertebrae themselves). I trusted and trust his thoroughness so I didn't ask to see the Xray. Whatever it is, is not life threatening or serious! Relief! I got an injection of Torodol and some steroids to help reduce inflammation and within an hour I was moving my neck much more...probs a 40 % increase in ROM!! 

He also took the fact that I have another mouth infection very seriously...he orded blood work etc and assessed for the beginning of any signs of cardiomyopathy related to the  infection. Grateful! I am now on antibiotic round number six :( with a different component added. I worried that might not happen as my face swelling was way down and the abscess was no longer in the back behind the teeth. My gums were still very obviously swollen though. Anyway...the bit of irritation preceding and during the wait was worth it.

Not only for these body reasons...in fact despite these body reasons.  I am so impressed with this growth process.  I see how though there is obviously pain in this body ...pain doesn't "bother me" anymore.  I can deal with physical pain now like I could never before. This mouth infection, obvioulsy, is not "pleasant" and there is a lot of pressure and discomfort in my neck that I might even have to rank high at times on the pain scale (with certain movements) but it is not consuming me.  I did not go into the ER for pain management, nor did I go to the dentist necessarily to alleviate the pain of a tooth ache.  I knew the pain, as pain is intended to do, in both cases was pointing to something that needed to be dealt with.  I needed to get to the cause. I was focuing on the cause in a rational way not adding any mental reactivity to the pain experience. It is so cool to see how I handle pain now!!

The less the thought of the body, the better. For it is the body that drags us down. It is attachment, identification, which makes us miserable...

The experience also allowed me to practice Yoga in the purest of ways.  Sure, I had the opportunity to read Vivekananda's wisdom and to meditate. ( I took my mala off my wrist more than once and did breath awareness meditations). But I also had an opportunity to watch what was going on around me from the seat of the Objective Observer...to see and experience the suffering of the fellow humans around me (both the patients waiting and the exhausted and busy staff), to feel compassion and connection, to watch the reactivity I witnessed without judgement, to witness this human I call me occassionally slip into that reactivity and pull itself back, to be kind and selfless with "my turn" on more than one occassion, and to observe and "feel" the perfect beautiful imperfection of humanity. I felt so alive!!! 

That is the secret: To think that I am the spirit and not the body, and that the whole universe with all its relations, with all its good and all its evil, is but a series of paintings-scenes on canvases- of which I am a witness.

I feel so grateful right now.  I really do. Just grateful to be a human who gets to have these amazing experiences- the so-called "good" and so-called "evil". I am a being  who gets to explore this amazing art. Wow!

(Okay...it might not last lol.  I might fall back into being a reactive "me" when these steroids wear off lol... but for now I spirit...I am the Pearl of this human experience, not the body.)

All is well.

Vivekanada (n.d.)  2.3 Hints of Practical Spituality/2.4 Bhakti or Devotion. The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda. Kindle Edition

Be the Centre of an Infinite Circle

Man is an infinite circle whose circumference is nowhere, but the centre is located in one spot; and God is an infinite circle whose circumference is nowhere, but whose centre is everywhere. He works through all hands, sees through all eyes, walks on all feet, breathes through all bodies, lives in all life, speaks through every mouth, and thinks through every brain...

Man can become like God and acquire control over the whole universe if he multiplies infinitely his center of self-consciousness...

Vivekananda

How beautiful, eh? How jaw-dropping truthful and wise this statement is if we decide to put away our resistance and open up to what it is saying. I drank up all this wisdom during my ER wait yesterday.  It helped to fill the time. I hit the part of Vivekananda's works...after three years of  reading this very, very large "Complete Works" ... that interested me the most... just at the right time. Grateful to be able to use what reactive mind might want to call a "frustrating, boring, and possibly unnecessary wait," as a part of my practice. 

Michael Singer shares this same idea in the below linked podcast that I opened up to early this morning in my steroid active state (I get so wired on steroids lol...was awake since 430). (below paraphrased)

You are so big...God descended...but you fell from the universal state of consciousness down to "little me's" reflection in it.

Why don't we live like we are God-descended? 

The problem is we are focusing down on some encapsulation of consciousness we call "my mind, my body, my life"...instead of looking around us from the center of the circle, seeing we are everywhere. 

Singer also encourages us to keep reminding ourselves, "The problem is my mind." He is right we cannot deal with life if we are constantly dealing with this "little me'' drama inside us. 

So few humans deal with Life as it is, allowing, with peace, wisdom, and serenity, for it to be exactly as it is. We look around at all the reactive humans , who are also focusing on their "me-meness" because it was conditioned into them to be the normal thing to do. We watch as their "personal, disturbed minds" pull them in,  and like watching someone yawn, we do the same.  We get pulled into our own "personal, disturbed mind." 

I excitedly read along, highlighting these chapters like crazy, as Vivekanda spoke/taught about the reason why we tend to react. Most importantly, he stresses it doesn't have to be this way. (Of course, Singer did the same.)

Practical Psychology? Bringing the Samskaras Out of Hiding. 

Its [our consciousness'] past experiences have been replaced by the present, or have become subconscious. We are not aware of their presence in us; but there they are, unconsciously influencing our body and mind. Every movement that is now being made without the help of consciousness was previously conscious.

Practical psychlogy directs first of all its energies in controlling the unconscious, and we know that we can do it. Why?

Because we know the cause of the unconscious is the conscious: the unconconscious thoughts are the submerged millions of old conscious thoughts, old conscious actions become petrified- we do not look at them, do not know them, have forgotten them, ...We may have many things stored in us as in a pocket. We have forgotten them, do not even think of them, and there are many of them, rotting, becoming positively dangerous; they come forth, the unconscious causes which kill humanity. True psychology would, therefore try to bring them under control of the conscious.

Basically saying, we need to bring them into conscious awareness again so we can deal with them (control them)...by dealing with them we set them free...and therefore set ourselves up for a higher learning, a higher experience that will set us free! Do you get that?

From Below to Above

This is the first part of the study, the control of the unconscious. The next is to go beyond the conscious. Just as unconscious work is beneath consciousness, so there is another work which is above consciousness. When this superconscious state is reached, man becomes free and divine; death becomes immortality, weakness becomes infinite power, and iron bondage becomes liberty. Tht is the goal, the infinite realm of the superconscious...

That is the ultimate goal attained in samadhi...true Self-realization. We may not reach it in this lifetime...that's okay. We will have another opportunity to do so in the next. That is our aim though, right? Whether we know it or not? We want to have this experience of freedom, of true knowing, and a true peace that surpasses all understanding?  But we do need to start with practical psychology first,  bringing the unconscious to the conscious. 

Otherwise we are experiencing a "pretend" life which perpetuates suffering and not the Life we are here for - one that perpetuates joy and love.

As the sanskrit saying goes, "It is a headache without the head." 

Remember this, whether we have reached that state of realization or not:

This is the first fact of consciousness-I am. Who can imagine a state of things which never existed? It is the most self-evident of all truth.

And when Life outside is not the way ego wants it to be...do your very best to remember all this wisdom and instead of reacting, learn to say:

Can I bring peace into this moment no matter how much reactivity I am witnessing around me...I do not have to react..."How can I help...how can I serve this moment...?" Michael Singer, somewhat paraphrased.

All is well. 

Michael Singer (August 14, 2025) From Preference to Presence: The Journey Beyond the Mind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piRP5DkXJ3I&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=2&t=2127s

Sri Swami Vivekanada (n.d.) 2.3 Hints on Practical Spirituality. Complete Works of Vivekananda. Kindle Edition

Listening to Rational Mind

Believe in yourself and the rest will fall into place.

I wake up hearing my fearful personal mind talking, 

"Oh I can move my neck a bit more...maybe it is getting better...maybe it is nothing...maybe I don't have to go to ER for that??? ...And though there is still a little one in the front of the teeth...one or all...I can't tell... of the abscesses in the back of my teeth have opened and drained (terrible, terrible taste in my mouth) ...maybe that is all taking care of itself too...maybe my immune system is strong enough to handle a bit of Viridans Strep or any misbehaving members of the HACEK family that might have popped in for a visit. The chances of anyone getting an IE are so small anyway..."7 fold more likley" is not that big of a probability.  This flue like feeling I have is likely just in my head or just fatigue due to the lack of sleep I am getting because of the neck. Maybe I don't have to go in??? Maybe I can wait until October?? "

Then a very frustrated rational mind interupts.  Rational mind says...

"Yes, you are going in.  You need to rule out a VCF (compression fracture in your neck). Your T-Score in your spine was -2.8 a year ago...and you have not been on enough of the medication to make it higher since then. You have not been on anything since April. You already had a VCF and it too was in an unusual place...T-3 and T4? This remarkably increases the likelihood of another. You had "more than" full ROM two weeks ago...you are hypermobile and you have been practicing and teaching yoga for years...this lack of ROM is very unusual for you and is indicative of a possible VCF!!! It doesn't matter what anyone thinks or says...you are a smart cookie and you know...you know it has to be checked. As far as the mouth? Five months with infection coming and going is going to increase anyone's risk for sepsis or IE! And 4 courses of amoxicillin and one of clindomycin in a 5 month period is way too much antibiotic...Yet it is not enough...It is not "clearing up" the infection...it is just slowing it down...That shows how virulent this infection is ...it is not going to clear up until the source of the problem is fixed. You cannot keep popping antibiotics like they are candy...there will be repercussions for that.  An emergency root canal is what is needed! You need a dentist who will do it! 

For now...you need help to sort out the infection thing. So, you are going to march yourself in there...be prepared to sit and wait as long as it takes...You are going to keep your head up high (well as high as you can hold it up with the neck the way it is lol) knowing you are doing nothing wrong getting it checked. You will ask about the mouth infection and about getting an Xray.  Yes! You are going to ask for an X ray if they do not suggest one (insist on an Xray if you have to without being impertinent). (A lateral and anterior-posterior view is needed...hopefully that is what will get done). If they come back and tell you you were wrong...you are going to want to see the Xray...look for any wedging...any cracks on the anterior portion (and the posterior though that would be less likely) of C3 down to C7 ( though the location of pain seems to stop at C6)...and if you don't see anything...thank them so much for their time...and get yourself a collar somewhere to wear for the next six weeks....

As far as the mouth...just ask about controlling the infection without another round of antibiotics...ask if you can risk going without....until you can find a dentist who will do you sooner than October...Oh and show them where your jaw is very tender....stress that the jaw has been getting more and more tender over the last two months. Don't expect a lot of help here...(being that it won't be a dentist that you have)...other than help with preventing an IE or other potential consequence of a persistent mouth infection in this set of circumstances. "

Wow! Rational mind is getting kind of bossy, isn't it? lol 

Well, I think it is just tired of all the "pretending to be stupider than I am" I have been doing in these situations just so as not to step on toes or do anything that will allow ego judgement to get in the way of a solid diagnosis. 

I mean no disrespect to anyone...I don't.  I appreciate and have great respect for allopathic medicine and what it does for others. I do.  I do my best to see the people in these roles as people beyond their roles...My conditioning, however, sometimes gets in the way and all I see the role that is intimidating to this "me". It is getting better. 

Anyway...I will let you know the outcome.

All is well.  

More on the Tale of Truth and Tooth

 

And the story continues...but doesn't have to...

I wrote what I wrote a few days ago...Strange Tale of Truth and Tooth....just facts and truth with little emotional attachment and no intention, what so ever, to give ego the starring role as "victim." At that point, I was simply the calm, cool objective observer witnessing a life drama (from a distance) and sharing it...only because it seemed so bizarre and interesting. It was amusing...not disturbing. How quickly one can go from being amused by Life, however, to being disturbed by the mind's reaction to Life. 

Later that day and into the next, I began to think about it and found myself saying..."I feel so bad for everyone involved, mistakes happen and I should just let it go as my wanna be yogi nature instructs..."

That would be the sensible thing to do...maybe...but as I am discovering I am not yet the sensible yogi I want to be...at least I cannot stay put in the seat of observer...

From Calm Observer to Triggered Participant

 Just as I am congratulating myself for remaining so calm...Shamer ego pops into my mind to have its say, telling me I "should be ashamed" of myself for even sharing this story in writing and possibly hurting or offending others. "This is not what a spiritual or evolving being does!!!"  

Once that shame spiral gets triggered, it gets more and more demeaning really fast, doesn't it?  

"It is just your body. What should that matter to you or anyone else? There must be a reason why all these things keep happening to your body that there is little to no external validation or help for. Maybe, it is is all insignificant or maybe, you are insignificant ...or maybe,... you deserve it!"  

So, feeling the heat of shame on my face and caught up in this unpleasant shame spiral triggered by my honest and somewhat public reflection, I resist the trigger...the "what isness" of this life circumstance. I take the story down. 

More Triggers 

Then, this morning I wake up hearing the body complain loudly...the neck is sore, and I realize there is definitely something going on in there that is problematic. I know, in my gut, that this has to be looked after.  I might have a "broken neck" for God's sake. 

And my mouth and cheek are swollen again...I have abscesses. I even have a little fever that comes and goes. Sigh! The Mitral Valve prolapse didn't go away over night.  I know I cannot keep having these mouth infections without eventually getting an IE. It has been almost 6 months, and five rounds of antibiotics, since it all began and the source of the problem has yet to be addressed. 

The Activity of the Triggered Mind

So, fear creeps in at the idea of maybe having to go into emergency again...for both the neck ( I probably should have the neck immobilized in some way) and the mouth. I don't want another antibiotic but what do I do?

 I start to feel frustrated, then angry. These thoughts keep circulating in my head pulling me from shame into 'justifiable' anger and resentment. I begin to think that beacause my anger is justified, I should let it spin into a victim narrative. ( I know better than that but I let it go there, just the same.) I put the story back up and here I am on the sequel. Sigh...

"You would think that an "emergency root canal" would be done...knowing the extent of this infection! They made the mistake! Why is the patient having to pay for their mistake in a way...if I am not being too dramatic...that could cost them their life? That is absolutely crazy!!! I still have to wait months to get in for a procedure that should have been recognized as an "emergency" in April and performed right away.  That was almost six months ago, and I am still waiting. And look what I had done since then? I had wisdom teeth removed that didn't have to be removed. I developed a sinus issue from that procedure that inadvertently led to a possible fracture in my neck because I had to go off my osteoporosis meds as I wait. It doesn't make sense!!"

Then the mind goes back to frustration over 'the idea' (and it just an idea fostered by a core belief...not necessarily truth) that I have to once again push beyond the barriers to get people to hear me, "I need help for this body!" ...knowing full well that they may not. 

That brings me back to fear of more shaming. That fear-shame mind activity goes like this:  "Can I get them to hear me this time? They did last time but by the law of probability...next time I might not be so lucky.  These barriers seem so impenetrable sometimes for this shame-based "me" to push through. 

Do I have enough objective signs? I need objective evidence to prove my point. 

Maybe they won't do a neck X ray...maybe they will discount my complaints as insignificant....or maybe they will order one and nothing will show up on it? Then man...that is more shame on "me". What about the mouth? I can't give some tired nurse or doctor this long ramble about my mouth again, can I?  They will likely just say or think, "Just go to your dentist!" How can I explain in that 30 second window an ER patient has to explain the nature of their problem without losing the attention of the listener that I have been to the dentist or trying to get into the dentist to get this resolved many, many times since April ....and bizarre things are happening? I need objective signs they can see. What objective signs can I bring with me as armour? I am swollen enough now but the swelling comes and goes and by the evening it will be gone in my face, if not in my gums. Maybe I will wait for this fever to amount to some "objective sign" that cannot be disputed by others or by the nature of my own fear/shame mind? "

Jumping Into the Cyclone of Mind-Stuff

That is the activity I am witnessing going on in this mind now. It is all so bloody cra-cra. What goes on in this mind...the human mind in general...is so crazy making...yet not only do we tend to observe it...we humans will jump right into that mental cyclone and go for a nasty ride in it. We will allow it to take us away.

Sigh! I see what I am doing...yet I do it anyway. This does not help me deal with reality. Does it?

Reality

What is the reality I am dealing with? There is the reality of life circumstance that unfolded in front of this human. What happened happened. Everything I wrote in the previous entry is true. Remove any assumption, presumptions, speculation, and 'ideas' from it, however, and what do you have? 

The Boring Facts

Tooth infection in April...seen dentist...referred to Oral Surgeon for extraction of wisdom teeth believed to be the problem...also hear that a tooth needs to be extracted but that "specialist" will remove it because of health history...informed urgent referral is made because cause of infection should be addressed within two weeks...antibiotics given...bisphosphonates stopped....after a month of waiting for urgent consult for OS...infection becomes obvious again...call dentist office to inform them I have infection and am still waiting to hear from OS...another round of antibiotics ordered at my request...2 months after dentist visit have OS consult...OS explained that two wisdom teeth will be removed...no real oral exam done during consult and no mention of infected tooth...explained that being that one tooth is nestled up to the sinus there could be damage done to the sinus during procedure... could easily be repaired but worse case scenario there might be a chronic sinus issue...two weeks later procedure done...D. tells me he has been informed by surgical team that I need to have a tooth extracted when I get home to prevent IE...(remain off bisphosphonates)....week later I ask OS nurse about this during follow up check in...she hesitates but tells me that I have a cavity and if I have regular check ups it will be taken care of...noticing frequent and somewhat violent sneezes since procedure and pain in cheek...two weeks after procedure call to dentist office made to ask for clarification of what D. had heard...told that consult note was received from OS and I should be seen right away...see same referring dentist that day...told consult from OS said I have "a pimple"/abscess behind tooth indicating a deep infection in tooth...examination done...surprise expressed over the fact that I have absolutely no pain or feeling in that tooth during examination...explain that I am experiencing cheek pain and sinus issues...further investigation revealed infection in pulp of tooth...shown Xray and see what is being pointed to is where I had the pain in April...told of options: tooth extracted by specialist or root canal...I decide on root canal...no antibiotics suggested or prescribed on discharge...told appointment would be two more months away...also told insurance has been maxed out...will have to pay out of pocket...two or three weeks later mouth is very infected again with another abscess formation at the front of the gum this time...call made to dentist to see if I could get into to see "someone else"...put on hold to check and then told that there was no one who could see me that week and that the next week office was closed...the following week they are full up because of catch up appointments...might be a month or so. I was told to go to emergency if I was in pain. Went to ER that day... assessed by doctor and informed of small abscess on anterior gum...arrangements made with another dentist through ER doctor to see me the following day... started on antibiotics...the next day met with this dentist who drains the abscess and prescribes antibiotics...office closed for one week...the week of being reopened call to see if I could have the latest dentist do root canal...told he was leaving the end of August...another dentist can do same in October... off osteoporosis meds for five months...felt neck pop during a sneeze...limited ROM since sneeze: unable to look over left or right shoulder without pain ..roll head forward especially while lifting something or to hyperextend head backwards...up until this point I had full range of motion.

That doesn't sound so dramatic, does it? Without the speculation and added drama, reality is just a bunch of boring facts.

What about the reality of what is happening in the body? The reality is that there is pain and limited movement in the neck. The pain is very doable like most pain is for me...but there is enough discomfort and change to indicate something is going on in there.  Right now...in this moment...here and now I just feel a tightness or heaviness right along the vertebrae as I write. Right now and right here I also feel some burning discomfort in the left upper gum...my cheek feels "puffy" . My mouth feels tender and it hurts again to smile.  I feel the bumps behind my teeth. This is the physical or bodily reality of what is going on. Nothing too dramatic.

What about the internal reality? Internal reality includes the activation of these samskaras. There is the emotional experience of shame and fear related to the possibility of more shaming emerging in my present moment reality. There is the tendency toward NST of the mind that begins with these external triggers. There is the reactive triggering of old samskaras that come up when the mind decides this human needs to seek help for the body. There is this desire for distraction away from that thought by telling this story again. There is this realization that telling the story helps me to distract from actually dealing with the story. Sigh! 

And where does that take me? Right back to the realization that I am observing all this going down...that I am seeing this very human tendency in myself...that I...as the observer... am witnessing the way the mind reacts to life circumstance...how instead of just observing it from a distance, allowing life to be what it is and pass through... the witness can quickly fall into all that crazy mind stuff and identify with it...it can  personalize it... it can get all caught up in it. It doesn't take much to go from objective and detached to all tangled up in the mental mess.  Just like it sometimes takes something as simple as a sneeze to compress some vertebrae in a person with osteoporosis...it doesn't take much for the mind to go from calm to disturbed. Does it? The mind sneezed, and now I am suffering. 

In reality there are just the facts of the circumstances I observed.  If I do not attach alot of mind resistance and reactivity to those circumstances they are just events that are no longer in my life.  They are gone. Boring facts that belong to history. 

Why am I getting all worked up about them?  That doesn't help anyone.  I just need to deal with the facts.  I need to get my neck Xrayed and I need to do something about this new infection. That's it.

All is well

  

A Strange Tale of Truth and Tooth

 Midway upon the journey of our life/ I found myself within a forest dark/ For the straight forward pathway had been lost.

Dante's Inferno

Prologue

Sometimes, I find myself on a path that is anything but straightforward. Oh, the irony of these bodily circumstances. They are anything but straight forward. lol 

I definitely see growth as I observe the happenings in this body. I no longer react with fear of what will happen to it (the fear only comes when I have to seek help for it and even that fear is being tamed). I actually look at what is happening and what has happened in the last six months or so and find it all quite amusing...like I am watching some actor in a scene from one of  Dante's epic poems. ...a Divine Comedy maybe.

I am no longer filled with, "Oh My God...What is happening to me and what am I going to do?" 

It's more like, "Oh My God...look at what is happening now. It is kind of bizarre and cool at the same time...truth really is stranger than fiction. My body is involved in a strange tale of  truth and tooth,,,wow...I wonder what will happen next."

The Strange Tale of Truth and Tooth

I started developing a problem with my mouth in April. I assumed, as I was told that it might happen, that fillings I had done in October didn't stay put. So, when I experienced the sudden bout of intense pain one day and woke up the next morning with my face all swollen I made an emergency appointment with the dentist. I stressed that my major concern was having an infection in my mouth. 

After some fancy, expensive Xray, it was decided that the pain was not related to that tooth with the fillings; that  wisdom teeth were the source of the problem and had to be removed. At the same time I am hearing that some tooth obviously had to be extracted.  It was then decided to hold on the extraction and leave it for the oral surgeon because of my health history: mitral valve prolapse which increases the risk for IE related to a mouth infection and I was also on medication for osteoporosis that increases the risk for osteonecrosis of the jaw whenever the jaw is exposed during dental procedures. I agree.

I was referred for wisdom teeth extraction. I was told that the consult to the Oral Surgeon would be urgent because that infected tooth (whichever one was believed to be infected) had to be removed within two weeks. I was placed on antibiotics that were meant to cover me until I got into see the surgeon. I needed another course when the mouth flared up again three weeks later. 

Hmm! It took two months, not two weeks, to get into see the oral surgeon for a consult and during that consult there was little to no mention of the infected tooth that had to be removed.  I assumed it was all in the consult so I didn't say anything...assuming the infected tooth must have been the little extra wisdom tooth I had. It was more or less phrased that I was requesting to have my wisdom teeth out, like it wasn't so much a necessity...which confused me a bit. No real oral exam was done but another expensive Xray was ordered to base the plans for surgery on. I was also shown the inside of my mouth. The surgeon wanted to show me how the wisdom tooth on the other side was biting into the inside of my cheek and asked if I wanted that extracted too. I said no. 

I was also told, prior to surgery, that the sinus might be damaged during the procedure because the tooth was resting up against it.  It could be repaired but it might result in chronic sinus issues. I agreed to have the surgery done despite the risk because I assumed this was the only way to stop the infection in my mouth. That was my main concern all along. 

Two weeks later my wisdom teeth were removed. I maxed out the special insurance coverage I had for oral surgery and had to pay $ 300 plus dollars out of pocket. I did so happily assuming the problem was solved. 

When I was discharged after the procedure my responsible adult was told that I had an infected tooth in my mouth that had to be extracted by my dentist back home in two weeks time, that I couldn't risk an IE.  This didn't make sense to me so I assumed my responsible adult "got it wrong." I had this very expensive procedure done to clear up the infection...all the infected teeth must have been removed...there still couldn't be an infection in my mouth.  I decided I would call the dentist or oral surgeon in two weeks to get it sorted out. I was given a prescription of antibiotics upon discahrge...I assume now... to hold me over.

The recovery seemed smooth enough...though I noticed pain in my cheek and the gums felt swollen and tender with some bumps in the back of the teeth on that side but I just thought it was all a part of the post op healing process. It kept getting worse. And I sneezed and I sneezed and I sneezed...almost violent sneezes which the discharge instructions said not to do. I felt like I had a cold...but the pain in my cheek was quite intense. I realized it must be the sinus thing I was warned of. 

"Great," I said to myself. "I am going to end up with chronic sinusitis. At least the infection is cleared up and the risk for IE is over." 

Anyway, the following week I get a follow up call from the clinic that did the surgery. I asked for clarification about what D. was told about the  need for another tooth extraction. There was some humming and hawing but the nurse said that I had a cavity and as long as I made regular visits to my dentist it would be looked after??? I was confused.  

So, I called the dentist office here and explained that my responsible adult was told that I needed to see the dentist in two weeks. The receptionist went off to get more information and came back saying...that they had received a consult from the Oral surgeon and yes I should be seen right away. Why didn't anyone call me then? Why am I calling to make this appointment if I am supposed to be seen right away? crossed my mind.

I go in to that appointment very confused. I am told by the dentist that first made the oral surgery consult that he received a note saying that the surgeon found an abscess on the back of the tooth (that had the fillings in it).  Why didn't anyone call me then? Why did I have to call to make this appointment if I was  supposed to be seen right away? crossed my mind again. 

He then did a thorough checkup and said there is an infection in the pulp of that tooth. It made absolute sense to me ...that was where the pain was originating all along. That is the infection, I concluded, that brought me there in April! He told me that we could either extract the tooth or do a root canal...if we extract the tooth he would have to send me back to the "specialist". I was like "No! No!I am not going back there. I will do the root canal." 

I am really confused at this point, not putting everything together. 

So, I am discharged with no antibiotics (I still have an abscess in the back of that tooth) and I go back to the receptionist desk for an estimate of the cost and an appointment.  Thinking this was all supposed to be taken care of in "2 weeks time" 3 months prior I am almost expecting to be told to come in in a week's time. "September," I am told is the soonest they can get me in...two months from then. I am stunned.  Even more stunned when I get the estimated cost, "1400 plus" and even more stunned again when I am told my regular dental insurance is all maxed out and I have to pay for this and all following  appointments out of pocket.   

As soon as I get to the car, it hits me, "I still have an infection in my mouth...the reason why I went to the dentist in the first place...it has been there for almost three months and I have to go another two months with it. I had my wisdom teeth out unnecessarily. They were never the cause of the problem." 

I had one of those violent sneezes then. "I now have this sinus thing for nothing! I maxed out my insurance and have spent over 500 dollars out of pocket on a procedure I didn't need and that hurt me more than helped me." 

I wanted to cry but I said, "No...I am going to trust the system.  They must know that I am not at risk for IE...otherwise they wouldn't let me go home without antibiotics.  It was just an honest mistake anyone could make.  That tooth root is right where the wisdom tooth was. It would have been hard to tell etc..."

I decided to wait patiently.  The infection didn't just disappear though.  The bumps became more pronounced...busting and filling my mouth with this unpleasant whatever...then new bumps would form and so on and so on. The discomfort in my cheek and jaw kept getting worse as did the sneezing. My gums would swell up...the swelling would go down...they would swell up...the swelling would go down. Again and again and again.

Then one day I got what would prove to be just a tiny abscess on the front of the gum of that tooth, increasing that pain in my cheek. I said, "Enough is enough...I need to get this checked".  

Though, I hated the idea of being on another course of antibiotic my gut said I needed to do something. This infection in my mouth should not be.

So, I called the dentist office early one morning and asked to see "someone else." I explained everything that was going on...everything....I stressed that I had an active infection in my mouth. She said she would check and came  back to the phone after a few saying, they  couldn't get me in that week...the following week the office was closed...the week after that it looked like they were swamped with appointments...it might be a month or so. She did say if I was having pain to go into emergency. 

I felt like crying again but I hung up with the intention of going to another clinic...but I knew I would likely have to wait even longer since they didn't know my history. ...so, instead I went into ER and luckily landed a kind doctor who knew a kind dentist (who happened to work at that same clinic) who was willing to see me the next day.  

I had the abscess drained the next day and was put on another round of antibiotics. I was hoping this new dentist would do the root canal but didn't want to ask him right there. Decided I would call later and discreetly have my file switched over to him. 

When I tried to do that a few days later..I discovered that he was leaving at the end of the month. Sigh.  I arranged for someone else to do the root canal but they can only do it in October. (I am thinking now of going to another clinic...if I have to wait that long anyway.)...Well the abscess is back...my mouth is sore...crap and I need another antibiotic....

So, crazy lady? Is this the end of your boring tale of tooth and truth? You got wisdom teeth out unnecessarily when what you needed was a root canal ? You still didn't get the infection in your mouth taken care of when that was the reason for this tale in the first place?  So what? 

No, it is not the end. Remember how I said I was on a medication for osteoporosis?  

Well I have had to go off that medication in April and cannot resume it until this mouth thing is fixed. (The risk of jaw necrosis is not something I wish to entertain). It took me an extended time to get on this med in the first place being that once I discovered the osteoporosis on a test result...I had to wait 7 months to get into my doctor.  I would have waited patiently until I got in to see him but the test showed it was mostly in my spine. I already had one compression fracture in my spine.  I did not want another! So, I opted to get on the medication as soon as I could, finding another route to do so.  It took me maybe four months to get on a bisphosphonate. Anyway...I had taken no medication since April because of this tooth issue.  

So?

Remember the violent sneezing I have been doing since this procedure I didn't need? 

Well during one sneeze a week ago, I felt something pop in my neck. Never thought anything of it other than, "That's weird!" Now, I cannot look over my shoulder on either side.  I cannot roll over in bed unless I log roll. I have a hard time lifting my head to look up. There is this intense pressure in my neck whenever I bend to lift anything or when I wake up in certain positions at night.  This is not muscular pain...I know muscular neck and shoulder pain...this is the neck itself.  Even though I know cervical fractures with osteoporosis are not common, I strongly suspect that I have a compression fracture in the C-2 -C-3 or C-3-C-4 because of that sneeze. 

So?

It is not overwhelming pain or anything.  I can definitely handle it. Every now and again I even get nice tingles down my body or a rushing feeling in my head.  It is not unpleasant. Just the opposite. (I tell myself it is Shakti, lol) But at the same time I know it means something is going on in the neck spine! If anything, it is restricting my range of motion.

I made an appointment to get that checked. I get in to see someone in early September (usually have to wait months) but wondering if I need an Xray before I go to Newfoundland just in case I need a collar.   Sigh! If I am right and it is a compression fracture what are they going to do about it anyway? Not much. Just a collar. Maybe I can get a collar anyway? The thing is I can't drive because I cannot look over my shoulder with or without a collar. D. will have to do it all and that is a lot of driving. 

Cole's Notes on this not so "Divine" Tale

Regardless...that is the scene from this not so Divine Comedy that I am watching this human I call "me" star in...bizarre eh? 

This character has a tooth ache...fears the consequence of a mouth infection...seeks help...ends up with all these things done that cause problems... a sinus thing.... that causes a sneeze that (possibly) causes a fracture...that causes a certain disability for the rest of character's life....all the while the infection still remains in the background smircking and rubbing its claws together like one the demons in Dantes Inferno. 

Who would have thought this drama up? lol

Epilogue

I know I need to do something.  I have to take care of this mouth infection once and for all. I also need to look into this neck issue...to take it beyond my "educated guess" to  validation that it is another compression fracture (or not...I could be wrong...I was so sure that I had little stress fractures in my shins...but the Xrays did not pick anything up and the pain has finally gone away...after a year...so maybe I am wrong about this too.) 

I have to decide how I am going to treat this osteoporosis without a bisphosphonate...if I can. I think this tale might have spared me from even worse complications of the drug. My esophagus is pretty beaten up from all the GERD I have had over the years...this drug will just make it worse. So, during this appointment I am hoping to discuss the need for an Xray for my neck...another bone density to determine a treatment option to see if there is any more mineral loss...If there isn't, do I really need to go on this drug again? ...And maybe discuss the possibility of a gastroscope to see what is going on in there before I start on such a drug if it is determined that I need to. 

Sigh...at least the character Dante is not as stupid as some of those demons that gaurd the gates of Hell are. Can this human I call me be playing a role like Dante after all, in this Tale of Truth and Tooth? lol 

Regardless, I am impressed at how little this all bothers me. I am not disturbed...not angry and out to make people pay for mistakes...I don't have a lot of trust in the system, mind you...but I think I trust myself and I trust Life more than I ever did.  

This, I know, is just a Tale I am observing this character I call me go through and I find myself on the edge of my seat wondering with amazement, "What will happen next?" 

All is well! 

Vivekananda on the Science of the Mind: Yoga

 ...It [Yoga] is true and vast and wonderful. 

In The Powers of the Mind  lectures of 1900 transcribed in his "Complete Works", Vivekananda speaks to the siddhis...those occult or supernatural things the mind is capable of like telepathy, clairvoyance, Out of Body Experiences etc.  He stated that this phenomenon has been an accepted part of India's heritage for centuries and that is how yoga came to be.

These facts, the Hindus, being analytically minded, took up and investigated. ...they made a science of it. They found out that all these, though, extraordinary, are also natural; there is nothing supernatural. They are under laws just the same as any other physical phenomenon.  It is not a freak of nature that man is born with such powers. They can be systematically studied, practiced and acquired. This science they call the science of Raja-Yoga. 

(Note: Speaking of India's culture in the 1900's: you will notice an overuse of the masculine pronouns. He is reflecting his culture when he addresses mostly men and referring to men because India and yoga, at that time, was very patriarchal.)

What was discovered in the "laboratories of soul research" (Yogananda)? :

The conclusion they have reached is that all these extraordinary powers are in the mind of man. This mind is a part of the universal mind. Each mind is connected with every other mind. And each mind, wherever it is located, is the actual communication with the whole world...The real thoughts, new and genuine, that have been thought in this world up to this time, amount to only a handful.

Comparing philosophers to yogis and spiritual leaders (what Vivekananda refers to as religious men): 

The philosophers scarcely influence anybody's inner man, and yet they wrote most marvellous books.  The religious teachers, on the other hand, moved countries in their lifetime. The difference was made by personality. In the philospher it is a faint personality that influences; in the great prophet it is tremendous. In the former we touch the intellect, in the latter we touch life.

I agree with the force of the personality in "spiritual" teachers and leaders being different than that of the intellect and able to pull people in. Of course, I have a different view of personality and get kind of concerned when I look back on history to see how the charismatic personalities of some religious leaders led many people into cults and even into their deaths.  

He goes on to discuss the importance of the personality which I tend to have a visceral reaction to.  I think our definitions of personality differ.  His being that  the self is equal to Self , and mine being that  the ego is only there when the Self isn't. Where I seek the dismantling of the personality, he is calling all to strengthen it. 

In the life of the householder, in the life of the poor, the rich, the spiritual man. In everyone's life, it is a great thing, the strengthening of the personality. 

He states that within what makes up man (the five koshas...starting with the gross outer physical that tapers back into the finest body of all-the ananda body) is the microcosm like that of the macrocosm (the universe). 

The universe of ours is exactly like that; it is the gross external thickness, and it tapers into something finer and finer until it becomes God.

We also know that the greatest power is lodged in the fine, not the course...So it is the fine that really is the seat of power....But if by any science and investigation, we re helped to get hold of these finer forces which are the cause of the expression, the expression itself will be under control....Now, if there is a method by which we can analyse, investigate, understand, and finally grapple with these finer powers, the finer causes, then alone is it possible to have control over ourselves, and the man who has control over his own mind assuredly will have control over every other mind...And all minds are the same, different parts of one Mind. 

The more a person gains control of their mind through yoga, the Greater they will be in terms of their service to humanity.

And that is what the Yogis say, that all great incarnations and prophets are such men; that they reached the perfection in this one life.

Debbie Downer in my head says, "Isn't that what most cult leaders, with these charasmatic personalities, say to their followers...that they are prophets? " ...I digress..

Suppose we can investigate these laws and understand their secrets and apply them to our own needs; it follows that we grow. We hasten our growth, we hasten our development, and we become perfect even in this life. This is the higher part of our life, and the science of the study of the mind and its powers has its perfection as its real end.

As for things like "The Secret" and our culture's use of the "Law of Attraction"...

Helping others with money and other material things and teaching them how to go on smoothly in their daily life are mere details. 

Yoga is truly all about getting beyond our focus on this little life as "me":

The utility of this science is to bring out the perfect man, and not let him wait and wait for ages, just a plaything in the hands of the physical world, like a log of driftwood carried from wave to wave and tossing about in the ocean. This science wants you to be strong, to take the work in your own hand, instead of leaving it in the hands of nature, and get beyond this little life. That is the great idea.

He goes on to question where the limit to the mind's power is. He questions science that disputes the possibility of such things as siddhis:

We dare not say that it is not possible. We can only say, we do not know how it happens. Material scientists have no right to say that things like this are not possible; they can only say, "We do not know."...But if we begin by denying the facts, how can a science be?

Vivekananda stresses the following using an example of a girl who was said to be levitating:

There is no end to the power a man can obtain. ..Now the Indian mind became so thoroughly persuaded that the mind could do anything and everything according to law, that its powers became the great object of study...Different sects of Yogis began to make all sorts of experiments,...The whole idea was to get at the basis, to reach the fine parts of the thing. And some of them really showed most marvellous powers. Many of them were trying to float in the air or pass through it...The power is all in the spirit.

He goes on to say these powers do not come easy. It takes years and years of dedication and practice to get to this level. Achievement is also complicated by the fact that yogis try to study the ever-moving mind and not some stationary thing. 

But this science deals with the mind, which moves all the time; the moment you want to study it, it slips. Now the mind is in one mood, the next moment, perhaps, it is different, changing, changing all the time. In the midst of all this change it has to be studied, understood, grasped, and controlled. 

The speaker goes on to share how long he has been studying yoga...thirty years, spending upward of 23 hours a day on it, sometimes living in silence and solitude for days on end...

And yet I know little to nothing; I have barely touched the hem of the garment of this science. But I can understand that it is true and vast and wonderful. 

So what about all of us non-yogis wanting to be yogis?

Now, if there is anyone amongst you who really wants to study this science, he will have to start with that sort of determination, the same as, nay, even more than, that which he puts into the business of life...so much depends upon the particular constitution of the person studying it. ...so, in the study of this science each one can get a glimpse which will convince him of its truth and of the fact that there have been men who realised it fully. This is the outline of the science. It stands upon its own feet and its own light, and challenges comparison with any other science.

And what about all those cult leaders I have read or learned about in this yogi world?

There have been charlatans, there have been magicians, there have been cheats, and more here than in any other field. Why? For the same reason, that the more profitable the business, the greater the number of charlatans and cheats. But that is no reason why the business should not be good. 

He suggest we listen to all the arguments...but...

...if any one of you really wants to learn something beyond that, merely attending lectures will not do. That cannot be taught in lectures, for it is life; and life can only convey life. 

Wow! That is quite a lot to think about, isn't it?. 

All is well.

Swami Vivekananda( n.d.) 2.2 The Powers of the Mind in the Complete Works. Kindle Edition 

Eternal Delight

 

Energy is the only life and is from the body and reason is the bound or outward circumference of energy. Energy is eternal delight. 

William Blake, "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell"

The Realization

Ten thousand functions, ten thousand things, one suchness...it exists of "now you see it, now you don't...here you are and here you aren't," because that is the very nature of energy to be like waves and waves have crests and troughs. 

Alan Watts

The Fear that Keeps Us Stuck

Only we, being under a certain kind of sleepiness or illusion, imagine that the trough is going to overcome the wave or the crest. The yin, or the dark principle is going to overcome the yang or the light particle. And that off is finally going to triumph over on. And we ...bug ourselves by indulging in that illusion. 

Alan Watts

In other words we fear the realities of Life which include: change, loss, and death. We may become consumed with this fearful thinking and become depressed. 

Sometimes Hope Is Needed

We may need hope at those times. Micheal Singer, like me, is not a fan of hope but he does say in the linked video below..."If you are depressed I want you to have hope that you will get what you want." 

How do we get hope when looking at the reality of loss, change, and death? Alan Watts words might help:

You Are that Energy

...death is just the other face of energy and its the rest, not being anything around that produces something around just in the same way you can't have solid without space or space without solid. When you wake up to this and realize that the more it changes, the more it's the same thing...that you are really a playing of this one energy and there is nothing else but that...that it is you.

Alan Watts

Contemplating Change And Reincarnation

...but that for you to be always you would be an insufferable bore. Therefore it is arranged that you stop being you after a while and then come back as someone else all together. And so when you find that out you become full of energy and delight. As Blake said, "energy is eternal delight". 

Alan Watts

Waking Up

And you suddenly see through the whole sham of things. You realize "you're that ( we won't put a name on it.) You're that and you can't be anything else. So you are relieved of fundamental terror...to live without hangups...to drift like a cloud and flow like water....seeing that all life is a magnificent illusion...a playing of energy...and there is absolutely nothing fundamentally to be afraid of. 

Alan Watts

What comes then is living this life, here and now, with peace, joy, and love as we find peace with what is and joy in being who we are. 

All is well

Alan Watts/T&H -Inspiration and Motivation (2024) Trust the Universe- Alan Watts on Finding Zen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBmuvR9QYLs&t=607s

Where It Is At

 

We don't have to go anywhere.  This is where it is at.

Alan Watts

I often wonder if I am doing enough with this Life I have been given.  It is rather "boring" as I make healing, purification, and waking up my main mission. I don't "do" very much and I do not "accomplish" a lot on society's terms. I am not out there seeking fun, and adventure as a means of distraction, either, like I used to.  I no longer see Life as a big amusement park full of activities only meant to "distract" us humans from the need to sit quietly in a room alone. I know better now and do not want to be distracted from my Life experience or that which is keeping me from it...I see the futility in running away from that which was blocking me from enjoying my Life. I am more than willing to sit with it even though it isn't necessarily "fun"...I sit...and I sit...and I sit lol.  

Not much gets done in comparison to what used to get done by this human I call 'me'. I have very little "fun" or "interesting" stuff to post on a social media page since I stopped seeking the doing  of that which promised this ego redemption and a few joyful recesses as a means of distraction.  Does that make sense?  Many of us spend our lives doing and then we seek to have a few few breaks of outer world enjoyments to distract from that which is stopping us from enjoying Life.  Bit of an oxymoron, eh? Using fun seeking to distract from that which stops us from having fun? 

 Yet, Life is still a play ground for the soul is it not? There is a place to go during recess ? Is there not? The experience of Life is meant to be frivolous and fun.

Alan Watts says:

The present moment is a field of experience which is not what we would call instantaneous.  It is much more than that. ...don't confuse it with a split second.  The eternal now is roomy, rich, and frivolous

The love that moves the sun and other stars is frivolity. God therefore might be described as being sincere but not serious...Playfulness is the very energy of the essence of the universe.

So, I find myself with little...and not a lot of doing ...But a being emerges within me the more healing and purification I do. I am not there in my moment as a doer but as a be-er.  I may not be much in society's terms but I am, in my own way, embracing  the beauty and frivolous adventure of Life in its own explanation. I am appreciating and enjoying its explanations.  That learning, that appreciation, that subtle joy cannot be measured by what I post on Facebook.

Even if we are not very rich, and live in a very simple way, never the less...the companionship of other people, the sight of the sun, the stars, the grasses, the sound of water is its own explanation

All is well!

Alan Watts /T. H. Inspiration & Motivation (July, 2025) When you Stop Forcing Life- Everything Changes.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6jUDtuWsp9Y

Exploring the Finer Things

 We see a man take up a huge weight, we see his muscles swell, and all over his body we see signs of exertion, and we think the muscles are powerful things. But it is the thin thread-like things the nerves, which bring power to the muscles; the moment one of these threads is cut off from reaching the muscles, they are not able to work at all. These tiny nerves bring the power from something still finer, and that again in its turn brings it from something finer still-thought, and so on. So, it is the fine that is really the seat of power. 

Vivekananda

What the heck are you talking about, crazy lady? 

I am referring to Vivekananda's take on the Koshas.  We do not tend to see where the power really exists when we focus on the "gross matter" , exterior, on movement, action, and the body.  We do not..cannot see that the power controlling all things is at the deepest and "finest" level.

What we cannot see.

There are laws, very fine, which are behind the physical laws as we know. That is to say,  there are no such realities as a physical world, a mental world, a spiritual world. Whatever is, is one. Let us say, it is a sort of tapering existence; the thickest part is here, it tapers and becomes finer and finer. The finest is what we call spirit, the grossest the body.

Here, he is speaking of the Koshas , right? The physical kosha is the grossest (most obvious to see) ...then as we taper down...to the Subtle body, the Mental body, the Jnana body it gets less and less gross...less material and form like...and therefore it gets harder to see what goes on at these levels. All power takes place in the finest and most inner layer...the Ananda body or what we refer to as the "spiritual" level. 

Of course, we can see the movement in the gross; but when fine movements take place, we cannot see them. When a gross thing moves, we catch it, and thus we, naturally identify movement with things which are gross. But all the power is really in the fine. We do not see any movement in the fine, perhaps, because the movement is so intense that we can not perceive it.

But if by any science, any investigation, we are helped to get hold of these finer forces which are the cause of expression the expression itself will be under control.

Vivekananda could not have predicted what they would discover at Cern 100 yeaars after his death, could he?  They discovered this fine material as the source of all power...wavelets that cannot be detected with the human eye creating all subatomic matter which in turn creates all matter. It was affectionaletly named the "God Particle" for a reason. 

Relating to everyday Life

We constantly complain that we have no control over our actions, over our thoughts but how can we have it? If we can get control over the fine movements, if we can get hold of thoughts at the root, before it has become thought, before it has become action, then it would be possible for us to control the whole. 

If we can control that which powers a thought or action we can control everything that happens mentally and physically in our lives and in this world. 

Now if there is a method by which we can analyse, investigate, understand and finally grapple with those finer powers, the finer causes, then alone is it possible to have control over ourselves, and the man who has control over his own mind assuredly will have control over every mind. ...And all minds are the same, different parts of One Mind...

Of course, he is not suggesting we all need this mile long equipment in our back yard...we simply need to start exploring our own minds and that which exists beyond the mind. This is yoga. We can create a better world. 

Now, a good deal of our physical evil we can get rid of, if we have control over the fine parts; a good many worries we can throw off, if we have control over the fine movements; a good many failures can be averted, if we have control over these fine powers...

We simply need to go deeper, depend less on what we can pick up with our five senses and explore what exists beyond that...the One mind shared by all. 

All is well.

Vivekananda (n.d.) Complete Works-2.2 The Powers of the Mind.  Kindle Edition, 

About What I said Yesterday

 Udana jayaj jala panka kantakadisvagana utkrantis ca.

By mastery over the udana nerve current (the upward vital air), one accomplishes levitation over water, swamps, thorns etc, and can leave the body at will. 

Yoga Sutras: Book III: 40 ( Sri Swami Satchidananda, 2011, Integral Yoga: Yogaville.)

Say what, Crazy lady? 

I am timidly peering around the corner to check the reaction of people to my last entry before coming back out on stage. lol (Well the stage of Life in some form of public view). I shared that I had a very weird experience that could be included as one of the Siddhis.  

Siddhis in yoga are simply "accomplishments". When one accomplishes mastery over parts of the body and mind, it is believed that we break down physical world barriers and gain what some might call "supernatural powers".  It sounds so weird when I write that.

I do not think I have supernatural powers lol.  I just had an experience!! Now as I clutch the curtain to look out to see what the crowd is doing in reaction to my sharing I imagine this conversation going on: 

"Did she say she had an 'Out of Body Experience' and some weird dreams about being in another body and trying to save her soul?"

"Yeah, I knew she was a bit off...but that's ridiculous. "

"I know.  This yoga stuff is really, really woo-woo isn't it? It is all a bunch of mystical BS. And she isn't even a real yogi...just some western wanna be." 

"Crazy! She probably dreamt the whole thing and now thinks she is some highly enlightened and spiritual being! Imagine even sharing that with anyone."

These voices may not be coming from anywhere but my own mind lol but I do hear them. In response I say: 

I did have an OBE (a tiny little mini-one) and I did have those dreams.  Were they anything more than some persistent dream state or some type of hallucination brought on by eating too close to bed time? I don't know. Does it matter?  Whatever they were, they were very real to me. (Well a schizophrenic would say their visions and voices were very real to them too...so that doesn't say much about objective reality, does it?) 

It did get pretty woo-woo. The part of yoga that speaks to what happens to our connection with consciousness when we reach samadhi is pretty woo-woo even for me.  I am not seeking the Siddhis (supernatural or occult powers)...at all.  I am not seeking any accomplishment through samadhi! That is not what I am in this for.  Far, far from it. I am merely seeking the "Truth" and the "Peace that surpasses all understanding" through my practice. I did not intend for anything "woo-woo" or "weird" like this to happen.  Though it was cool, I really don't want it to happen again either because I am not ready for it. At this point I would accept any plausible scientific explanation to debunk the mystical out of what happened. 

And yes, I am more than a little "off" lol and I am not really a yogi. I will call myself a yogi some times because I practice yoga but I also try to remove all such labels from my being...Most importantly, I definitely do not think of myself as enlightened or extra spiritual just because I had this weird experience. I just wanted to mention that I had it  and then quickly push it behind me. Sigh! 

So...let's forget about it from here on in.  This is not what yoga is all about or what I am all about here.

 It happened. I shared. It's over. 

All is well

Not Attached To the Body

The body is neither yours, or mines, or anybody's. These bodies are coming and going by the laws of nature, but we are free, standing as witness. This body is no more free as a picture or a wall. Why should we be so attached to a body? 

Vivekananda

I want to share a night time experience I had with you but am hesitant because I don't want any 'mystical woo-woo' attached to it. This experience I had, I truly believe, is something we are all capable of having. Consciousness, I have learned as a yogi, is not limited to the body we are in! Who we are is not the body...It is that which uses, witnesses, and experiences Life through the body. This is what I have learned. Sometimes...learning becomes actualized to reinforce our learning! 

Okay...I have been having some neck discomfort over the last few days. I know it is a C-1-C-3 vertebrae thing and want to make sure the muscles don't clench up around making it more painful or limiting movement any farther. So when I am sleeping and I wake up with the discomfort I change positions so I am moving the neck.  Last night, I woke up on my back at some point. When I tried to move, it was so hard to lift my head. There was so much tension around the neck and head. I took a deep breath and said, "I am going to relax as best as I can, lift my head up, and it will be free of all tension."

 That is what I did. I took some nice slow breaths, lifted up into a semi-sitting position and there was no tension. When I put my head back down on the pillow it hit me like a ton of bricks. "Oh My God...I was beside my body watching it lift up and go back down...I wasn't in it when it happened...I was watching it from the side!!"

I automatically discounted the experience. "I must have been dreaming it!" Once again my neck was very tense and it was hard to lift my head, convincing me it was a dream. I told myself I was going to do it again and if the movement was difficult it was a dream. So I did...I took a few breaths, got very relaxed, and lifted my head again. Again, I sat right up.  There was no tension or difficulty but I was fully aware that I was in the body the second time.

I am convinced I had a mini-OBE last night. I was watching from right beside my body this very relaxed body lift up from a painful state to a tension-free sitting position. I wasn't watching from inside. I was watching from outside.  

Now, there are a million different explanations for this.  There are the mystical woo-woo explanations and there are the scientific, neuro biology explanations. Part of me wants to jump right into this and explore all those explanations...but...another part of me says, "I don't care what the explanation is!! It was cool! "...and leave it at that. I leave it at that. I will not seek to have another such experience, either. One is enough. 

Throughout the night I also had some fairly lucid dreams about terminal illness.  For some type of miracle cure, there were these people dragging their loved ones to others who promised to save the body but keep the soul. I, whatever character I was playing in this dream...not the form I am in now...male maybe?...taller it seems...anyway this form became ill and my loved one...an only daughter... was plannng on sneaking me out of the hospital? one night to take me to this person or these people in order to save my body.  I was terrified and adamant about not going.  I was trying to tell her that this body meant nothing to me...that who I was, was the soul and there is no way I was going to give that up. I must have been unconscious maybe because no matter how I screamed and yelled these truths about consciousness...even calling her selfish for wanting to keep this soulless body alive so she could have company....she didn't hear me or understand what I was saying. I was being taken there against my will. I could see the voodoo like things set up that were to heal my body and the clay pots full of blood (souls?) ...I was screaming and crying "The Soul is the only thing that is real! Don't sacrifice it to keep this illusion of body alive! Let my body die!" 

I am not sure what happened. 

Man...that was a weird dream.  I didn't really connect it to the mini-OBE until now. 

These are not mystical experiences...koo-koo maybe, and I might just be crazier than a bag of hammers...but not "woo-woo mystical". 

I am, I believe having some learning actualized. I am  just receiving this amazing synchronistic reinforcement during the night that what I am learning and internalizing is true. We are not the body. We are the eternal witness standing and watching. Why should we be so attached to it then...physically (as stuck inside it) or mentally, emotionally, or spiritually? The only part of us worth being attached to is the soul, the Ananda body. Sigh! 

Pretty cool, isn't it? 

All is well

Holding Life Gently

 Effort without awareness is chaos and control without trust is suffering...you must learn to let go...not because you have given up but because you have woken up....The more you relax, truly relax not just physically but mentally, emotionally and spiritually you become open...open to guidance, open to answers, open to joy...

Alan Watts

I so want to open to Life. Do you? I have been exploring and practicing self-hypnosis to help me to stay open by helping me to relax enough to float. This self-hypnosis practice is just that a "practice"....it is an imperfect attempt to help this human I call "me" to relax deeper so she opens to the unconscious mind where true wisdom is housed (jnana body) and to the part of us where joy is housed (ananda body). This is not a meditation.  

What is the difference between a meditation and self-hypnosis? 

People are sometimes confused about the difference between hypnosis and meditation. I would say they are very similar states, the exception being that hypnosis has a direction to it, an outcome you decided before you begin, while meditation is more formless. Bandler, pg 106

So, I still meditate...giving up to the formless, directionless, goal-less nature of it.  I also know what it is I am seeking through my practice...purification, realization of, through access to, Who I am at the deepest level. Being that self-hypnosis sets a clear direction, I am experimenting with it to see if it can direct me there faster. (I am not saying it will...I am just "trying" it to see if t does.) Both meditation and self-hypnosis require deep relaxation. It is all about relaxing the body, and then relaxing the conscious mind so we can tap into what exists beneath the conscious mind. 

Self-hypnosis is a little trickier than meditation. It requires getting the conscious mind all rattled and confused so it steps back and says, "WTF?" ...And the unconscious mind is therefore forced to step up to do the listening. There are many different techniques used to do this. Ambiguity is one technique used by hypnotists to do this. This "writer's brain" and "educator's" brain that has been trained to do whatever it can to make things clear to the conscious mind, struggles with ambiguity. These scripts make no sense at all, breaking every grammatical rule know to man-kind. And there is sooo much to learn. Anyway, I will learn it and I will try it.  I share only because of this darn habit I have of sharing what I am learning. 

 I am by no means saying that what I create during my practice is perfect...that it is anything that will help anyone other than me....I just know I am relaxing more as I listen to these imperfect scripts and as I learn about self-hypnosis. It is too soon to tell if it will help me to become more Self-realized. 

Please note: in these videos I make suggestions. It is not my intention to "hypnotize"  anyone other than myself...so, if you are adverse to someone else in your head making suggestions...you might not want to listen. 

If you want to hold onto something valuable, you must learn to hold onto it gently. That is what relaxation is.  It is the art of holding Life gently...

There is a quiet intelligence behind everything and it works best, not through force, but through flow.

Alan Watts

All is Well!

Richard Bandler (2008) Guide to TRANCE-formation. HCI: Deerfield, Florida

Alan Watts/Alan Watts Philosophy (August, 2025) You're Blocking Your Life By Holding On...https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5UC06PCWBs

Boredom: "Pervasive Dissatisfactoriness"

 All of  humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.

Blaise Pascal

That takes us to: 

What is the next thing I can do or think about? Eckhart Tolle

In the linked podcast below, a questioner asks Eckhart Tolle about boredom...describing boredom as a state of "pervasive dissatisfactoriness". I love that term...like hitting a nail on the head. There is, I believe, a sense of deep pervasive dissatisfactoriness in most of us...that we tend to run from into our diversional activities which include thinking about something other than the moment we are in. Without enough distracting diversional activity we are forced to be in this moment. We are forced to be with this sense of discontent with what is...a sense of discontent with ourselves. We feel bored.  

The mind wants to be stimulated...it is always hungry for the next thing. E.Tolle

I struggle with that dissatisfactoriness...and am on a mission to "sit with it" as I sit with what is. Though I don't necessarily like boredom, I am soo, soo tired of running away. I wrote an article in 2017 on my desire to stop running...or should I say...about how I learned how fruitless it is to run from Blais Pascal. (Ambiguous sentence , isn't it? I am not running from Blais Pascal lol...I learned from Blais Pascal)  Running, busyness, thinking, compulsive distraction hunting does not take this sense of pervasive dissatisfactoriness we are attempting to run from away. A lack of diversional activities is not the cause of this dissatisfaction. The boredom is simply the reason why we are avoiding the opportunity to sit quietly in a room.  This mess inside was there and will be there until we deal with it. 

I woke up this morning thinking about how "boring" my life seems to be. I "do" so little of the stuff I once used to fill my time with. I seem to do so little period. I was once a bit of an adventure seeker, especially in the summer...but lately my days are filled with the same "boring?"activities...meditating, listening to some wise person, writing here, maybe making the odd video, some other writing task: last year it was the ESL book...this summer it is the "You Can Write" children's series (I am not sure why I wrote these things...good chance that they too were meant as diversional activities to keep me running from boredom...sigh! "Something to do." ) I am also reading novels, doing a bit of housework (but not enough...it would take more than boredom to put the fire under my butt necessary to clean this house the way I should, lol), enjoying my time with grandkids which is anything but boring, the odd walk in the woods, yoga practice, yoga class, odd dinner out with family or friends....and of course, there are those Netflix binges in the evening. Sigh! All this is not diversional enough it seems...because I am constantly tapping into this pervasivse dissatisfactoriness inside me. Sigh! I want to grow this ability of being rooted in the present moment, within this self without needing an external stimulus to feel alive...

We need to break through the mental barrier...

The thing is...that is why I am not doing more. Oh at least, that is what I tell myself.  I want to sit with what is no matter what it is.  Purification from that which is preventing me from going deeper is my goal! I do not want to keep running from one distraction to another in an attempt to avoid having to deal with the mess inside.  I want to deal with the mess!  It is a bit of cunundrum, though.  Like I know all that activity I feel I am "missing"  is just distraction that keeps me from experiencing and working my way through the samskara layer of " pervasive dissatisfactoriness" to that which exists beneath it. I really, really want to get beneath it. At the same time, I miss "being busy". 

The greedy search for the next interesting thing...that is the disfunction...Why is it so hard to fall into boredom joyfully knowing that it is necessary to get to what exists behind it?  

It is like I am pulled by two forces. I am pulled by Life...which is giving me all these opportunities to go deeper. I want to embrace and use  boredom as a means to purify. So, I tell myself , "This is good. I don't want to do anything". And in the next minute, I am reflecting on my life thinking, "Man! I don't do anything. This life is boring. I feel stuck." I convince myself not to be bored and find myself seeking something to do.

If we do not run away and stay with boredom...you suddenly realize you go deeper into yourSelf...

...just endure the discomfort of the mind not getting enough stimulus...food

....go through the threshold of the boredom into something deeper...and suddenly you feel alive without the need for mental stimulus...even more alive

Eckhart Tolle

I have had sooo much opportunity to sit quietly in a room alone lately right at the time I began to wake up. A huge part of me knows this "not doing much" is a wonderful opportunity provided by Life and this human I call me to go deeper...to go through boredom into being. That is what I want...to be....it is my ultimate goal. Sometimes I break through that barrier between boredom and that being and it is amazing. Other times I only touch the barrier and bounce back into the mental and physical body looking for diversion again...I am still at the stage of the waking up process where  I keep going from the internal pull to be and the external pull to do. 

Be at ease with the here and now...that is all there ever is...Life here and now...to feel at home here and now...without needing to escape into some mental realm that is not here and now...

What I am seeking to distract with now, ironically, is also meant to help me not distract lol. I am spending a lot of time learning self-hypnosis to help me purify and enhance the meditative state . The study of self-hypnosis is a stimulating diversion that keeps me from the pervasive dissatisfactoriness of my now.  The outcome meant to be achieved through self hypnosis, on the other hand, is a way to get beyond diversion and the barrier of boredom to that which exists beneath it.  I am seeking a way to purify...to get through this samskara layer between the self and the Self so I can settle peacefully into my now. All this learning and practice may  prove to be nothing more than another distraction that wastes my time, that keeps me running from the what is of my moment, and that never takes me to where I want to go. I don't know...but here I am.   

I am not sure how it will all turn out. For now, it would be nice to just feel peace in this here and now exactly as it is, as boring as it all may seem to myself or others. I do see how boredom can be a tool for taking us all deeper. I want to fall through boredom into what is there beneath it. Do you?

I have arrived; I am home...

in the here and the now.

I am solid.  I am free.

In the ultimate I dwell

Thich Nhat Hanh

Thich Nhat HAnh ( 2011) peace is every breath. Harper: New York

Eckhart Tolle (2024) Stop Running from Boredom. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRXRnDYwePk

Nancy Daley/ Wisdom Daily ( August, 2017) What I Learned from Blais Pascal about the Power of Stillness. https://thewisdomdaily.com/author/nancyd/