What is real? That which never changes, the Self of man, the Self behind the universe. Then, again, it is said that it is very difficult to know Him. Knowing does not mean simply intellectual assent, it means realisation. ...The organs or instruments see outwards, but the self-existing One, the Self, is seen inwards. You must remember the qualification that is required: the desire to know this Self by turning the eyes inward.
Vivekananda
I am far from awakened. Yet, I do know on an intellectual level that there is a Oneness to everything. I comprehend the ways of yoga on a very deep conceptual level. I can see it so clearly in my mind that there is an essence in everything my senses cannot pick up. I see and understand the nature of certain laws. I know that everything I am looking at is 99.9 percent space...wavelets forming quartz, leptons and bosons which then form electrons, neutrons, and protons, which then form atoms, which then join up with others to form molecules...and molecules form those things we see, touch, hear, taste, and smell. Yet, below it all, I know there is a "nothingness", and at the same time it is "everything". I feel so detached from it all now and at the same time so connected to everything I look at. I know that which I seek will not be found out there. That I must look inward. I do.
I have turned my eyes inward to some extent. I have been observing my ego, my personality, this human I call 'me' for decades now...and I know its antics. I know I am not it. I know that! I know my body is not who I Am either. I know there is a Self that is unchangeable, omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient beating my heart and breathing through my lungs. A Self that is observing my thoughts and feelings.
I have intellectually ascended to a certain truth. I have and I am so grateful for that, but that does not mean I am awakened. I am not Self realized yet. How do I know?
My chariot ride is a little wild. I get pulled back into what my senses are picking up in a second. I get pulled away from my quest for Self into the dramatic world of self in an instant. I still get lost in that world of thinking through the ego with its problems and its desires and its fears and aversions. So much so I forget too often what my true goal is. I forget the Self.
I have a deep and genuine desire to look inward to discover this Self. I fully understand that my preferring, averting, and stuffing and storing are creating samskaras that are in the way of me fully realizing this Self. I realize that self is in the way of realizing Self. I am walking the razor's edge between life and death, between realization and ignorance; between dream state and awakening; and between self and Self. I am at this point of this difficult journey still being pulled by my senses and though my intellect knows the truth I have yet to experience it.
In his lectures, Vivekananda often relays the ancient vedic story of a young boy named Nachiketas who sacrificed himself to Yama (death) to save his father who had cheated death by providing a less than appropriate ritualistic sacrifice. In this discourse Yama is explaining to Nachiketas how to save himself through true Self realization and connection with God. He explained that one must be able to get beyond the senses and the intellect to know God.
This body, O Nachiketas, is the chariot, the organs of the senses are the horses, the mind is the reins, the intellect is the charioteer, and the soul is the rider in the chariot. When the soul joins himself with the charioteer, Buddhi or intellect, and then through it with the mind, the reins, and through it again with the organs, the horses, he is said to be the enjoyer; he perceives, he works, he acts.
The mind needs to control the senses or else they will run wild. It takes the right skill to rein in a way that controls the senses. Intellect is an amazing thing. It determines how those reins of mind are held and which direction the horses will go in. I want to go inward. My intellect knows that is the direction to go in...yet the horses are still a bit frisky and the reins are a little too tight or a little too loose in intellect's hands. I have yet to master the reining technique.
He who has discrimination, whose mind is always in the way to understand truth, who is always pure -he receives that truth, attaining which there is no rebirth.
I have faith that I am heading in the right direction, that the mind will soon master the reins and the horses will follow the direction of the Charioteer.
This, O Nachiketas, is very difficult, the way is long, and it is hard to attain. It is only those who have attained the finest perception that can see it, that can understand it. Yet do not be frightened. Awake, be up and doing. do not stop until you have reached the goal.
At least, I am gaining the intellectual perception.
For the sages say that the task is very difficult, like walking on the edge of a razor. He Who is beyond the senses, beyond all touch, beyond all form, beyond all taste, the Unchangeable, the Infinite, beyond even intelligence, the Indestructible- knowing Him alone, we are safe from the jaws of death.
We need to keep checking in with our progress on this chariot ride we call Life. We must learn to balance on this razor's edge. I, personally, have a long way to go but I will get there. We all can!
What about you? Are your senses still wild horses taking you all over the place or can you see them settling? Is your mind able to handle those senses more and more each day and bring them back to the path? Is your intellect developed enough to handle the reins of mind and keep calling out the most wholesome directions so your body, through speech and action, takes you where you need to go? How are you balancing on the razor's edge?
I hope your journey takes you to the Self. I hope my journey takes me there as well.
All is well.
Vivekananda ( n.d.) 2.6.8 The Way to Blessedness. The Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda. Kindle Edition.
Michael A. Singer (January, 2025) Learning to Channel Lower Energies. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ujIdIyvVAvY&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=1&t=2665s
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