Unsteady Transformation

I believe each human being has the potential to change, to transform one's own attitude, no matter how difficult the situation.
Dalai Lama

I have been seeking to change my attitude for so long now and I still have a way to go.  Oh it is changing...there is no doubt about that...I have come so far but I am not "there yet"...meaning only  that I am there where I always was...where we all are ...but my mind has not let me completely settle into that reality yet.  It is still tricking me and I am still foolish enough to believe it.  Well my ego is.

 "I" ...my aware Self...is just standing in the background watching 'little me' believe ego's lies and all the things I was conditioned to see as 'truth' and make choices based on it.

Sigh! Big pathetic sigh...lol

But I am so...soooooo much better than I was.  I feel the shift taking place inside of me.  The fact that 'I' am "aware" when 'i' am not aware...lol...is a sure sign of the transformation taking place. It is just a little draining, that's all.  That is not a complaint...I would much rather take the fatigue that comes with change over the constant anx I had before when I didn't realize I needed change.

In this stage, I feel like I am on unsteady ground that is constantly shifting under my feet.  I am struggling to keep my balance on it.  The sign of growth is found in the fact that I am no longer putting all my effort into  trying to get this ground to be "smooth" or to move in the direction I think it should.  I am no longer "blaming" the ground[ life circumstance, others etc] for being unsteady.  I now know that it has little to do with my peace of mind.  My focus is on my own "balance centres' within ...on finding inner equilibrium and peace so I can walk along this shifting earth without falling off. So I can serve without hurting.

I can see myself walking, stumbling, falling and I can see myself getting back up again and again...to continue on this journey.  I felt myself stumbling over the last few weeks.

So I ran away from home this weekend.  The ground beneath me was a little bit too wobbly for my liking...too many people needing me, too many things asking to be done or changed...and I aid to D. "Take me away."

He did...to a wonderful spot on the ocean where I could reconnect to my inner balance centers a little bit better.  It was what I needed.  Throughout that time my body made it known how much I needed it: a 72 hour cluster of coronary spasms leading to the need fro nitro five different times. I am grateful for that reminder and I am grateful for the trip. I came home and stepped up on the treadmill of this life I have been given once again and I feel I can hold my own...at least for a while.

Sometimes we need a break as we stumble along this path.  Sometimes we need rest, a change of scenery or outside support.  That's okay! Not all of us will transform in what we see as a "Holy Instant" ...For many of us  it will be an imperfect, sometimes painful, step by step process. We will lose our balance, stumble and fall and that is okay.

We will still get there...eventually! For now...we just need to appreciate and enjoy where we are...wherever that may be...even if it feels a little unsteady.

All is well