Conforming or Transforming?

And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind ...
Romans 12:2

Transforming

Wow!  This waking up is one roller coaster of a ride, isn't it? 

There are these wonderful moments of, "Oh!  I get it!"... followed by this awareness of being aware and that inexplicable  peaceful feeling that comes with it.  Ahhhh! Lovely! 

The world makes sense.

Then there comes, out of nowhere, a little urging from ego. It promises that we will find what will make us happy and "better" if we follow it into the doing, collecting, striving out here in the physical world. We follow and may even experience some form of happiness and may come to believe what ego says.  But it will not last.  The things that were suppose to make us happy...change, break down, get lost, go away or die. Suddenly we find ourselves face down in the muck of one's own thinking, one's own sad story...one's "stress or one's choices". It's like "Whew.  How did I get here?  I was doing so good."  

Nothing makes sense.

We get ourselves back up...shake it off and once again turn our tired bodies and minds in the direction of  truth. We begin to feel presence emerging and feel again like, "Oh!  I get it!"

We slip away from mind and all the crazy things it wants us to believe and we settle in the here and now.  We are no longer dominated by the needs of "little egoic me".  All our roles, our performances, our attachments, our ideas have no meaning. We see that our problems were ever only things the mind created. ...that in reality, without the story we attached to circumstance, there is no problem. There is no  need for constant striving, fixing, doing...just pure and simple being.  We  find ourselves to be so much more than what ego tells us we are.  We feel peace and joy and Love. 

"I'm here! I'm home!"

Going Back and Forth From Transforming to Conforming

Then once again ego calls, "Come over...just for a visit.  No harm in that, is there?''  And we go.

Again and again...we go, come back, and go.  We find ourselves in the mud of thought again...get up, go back home, get pulled away again and again.

Back and forth between mind and truth we go. Up and down we move. For the most part...it all feels very "unstable".

How the heck is this improvement, evolving, getting better?

I have to remind myself when I find myself shamefacedly making my way back home after a thought bender...that I am getting better.  I am indeed waking up.  The fact that I can see that I was lost and am in the process of going back home... is a conscious thing.  I am aware that I was lost so therefore I am aware that I am aware. I'm awake!

Sure I slip into sleep again and again...but I keep waking up too.  I keep recognizing that for a moment, an hour, or a day I was sleeping.  Then I stretch and shake off the sleep and I go back to Self.

Those times lost are getting shorter and shorter as well as less frequent.  Those times where I am sitting in presence are much longer and more frequent than they ever were.  That is progress!!!!

If I wasn't progressing I would still be face down in the mud trying to make the most of it, believing that that limited perspective was all there was of Life, wouldn't I? Knowing that I don't have to stay in the mind...that there is a better way...is progress too!

Not An Easy Process

It is not going to be easy because though truth, Self, soul, consciousness, spirit (whatever you want to call it) encourages us to transform...to just be here and now...the physical world around us still demands a lot.  We are in this world but not of it.  Tourists in a strange land...we definitely want to be real and authentic to our true selves and always know where "home" is but we do need to interact, exchange, "fit in" to this physical world too.  So there will be a lot of going back and forth between the inner world and the outer until we become so enlightened that the transitions are no longer necessary.

Most of us are not there yet.  And that is okay.  Wherever we are on this journey...be it face down in the mud or totally free of all of ego...is okay.  We are exactly where we need to be right here and right now.  We start exactly where we are.  We evolve from there.

Our waking up  is going to happen...it has little to do with us in these minds and forms we are in.   It is a much greater orchestrated thing that we are merely a part of. So it is all good.

The Consequences of Transforming; Of Waking Up

 When I am sober and awake ( mean that figuratively :), I am no longer attached to certain roles that I once used to define me ( for several reasons).  It makes me feel quite shaky, unsure and vulnerable. I feel more than a little lost a lot of the time.  The ground feels unsteady beneath me.  I am walking around without armour  or the defense mechanisms that once saw my little mind through the day.  I do not deny.  I do not project into the future.  I do not rationalize and blame.  I slipped away from my "victim" role which was a part of my life for so long... so self pity doesn't work for me.  I don't seek for others to fill me up so special relationships are no longer drugs for me to get by with. Nothing seems to "excite" me greatly...nor does anything "bring me down.".  For the most part and probably for the first time in my life  my emotions are stable.  And that is a strange thing in this world. It feels "strange."

An Example of Changes that Occur When We Wake Up

Yesterday I woke up on my 56 th birthday and it was honestly, to me, just like any other day.  I was not depressed over the fact that another birthday meant I was getting older nor was I excited about having a day that honored, "me".  In fact...I was confused most of the day.  It was like..."How do I do birthdays when I truly do not want to honor the "me" as special?"  It was so weird and I found myself a little "cranky" in that confusion.  My confusion over "me" was soon replaced by confusion over my new view of relationships.

Later that day I received the most beautiful engagement ring from my Fiancé.  My reaction was neutral and calm.  It was a beautiful ring;  he is a beautiful man; and...our relationship is beautiful but I did not jump up and down saying "Yes!  Yes!  Yes!" I just commented on the exquisite beauty of the ring; put it on my finger;   said "This is so nice!" and gave him a big, sincere hug.  That was it...we were engaged.

I am very happy to be engaged but for the first time in my life I know that another person can not make me happy nor can they make me unhappy.  I know that a "marriage" will not solve all my problems nor will it create problems.  I know that this ring on my finger...as beautiful as it it is...is just a "thing".  It does not make me "special".  There was point in my life that I believed an engagement ring set me off as "special" in the eyes of society...a symbol that said, "look at me...someone sees me valuable enough to put one of these babies on my finger" etc. Now I truly see the ego in all of that. This ring and this engagement does not "excite me' or fill me with romantic notions.  It simply is what it is .  Ego is still in the background trying to draw me in ...and yes I may go there some day...but for now...I am awake and in this awake state I am not attached to this ring ( though ego tells me I should be...it is so beautiful) and I am not attached to the idea of marriage.  I know I am okay with or without. :)  I did choose with though!

Like you, I will fall back and forth into and out of unconsciousness.  I will still go up and down but I know that when I am  in the most awake state it will be a nice easy ride without inclines or dips.  Sure that may not be as  exciting and thrilling or as "romantic" as society and ego tells me it should be but it certainly is peaceful. I choose peace. I prefer to move within the world of form knowing I am not of it. I prefer to be transformed by the renewing of my mind rather than conforming to a world that really doesn't make much sense to me...until it does.

All is well in my world