Order in Chaos

The quality of the human experience is only actualized through our thoughts.
Wayne Dyer

Return of the Boulder

The boulder has seemed to roll back over on my path to seeing clearly. With a differing intensity and radiation of the pain I had been experiencing,  I am reminded again of my situation. Thus the familiar worry begins.

So, I made a call yesterday, to check up on the status of things...only to be told I would just have to wait for a call, that  I was more or less told by someone else  would never come. I was left with the realization  that  I will  still be floundering around in the pool of not knowing for God knows how long. That was such a heavy defeating feeling.

Treading Water

I  guess I just have to go on  treading water here as I wait for someone to throw me a rope.  Everyone standing around is assuming that it is someone else's job to throw it...so they innocently (sometimes not so innocently) turn their backs and walk away to deal with all the many other important cases and things they have to deal with.  And I just keep treading, waiting, as this thing on my body continues to change. If they are not looking, they cannot see how hard it is to continually tread water. Sigh.

Truth is...I am tired! It hits me every now and again...how tired I am.  I am soooo tired of treading water, of waiting.  There are times, I just want to put my hands up, stop kicking and  sink to the bottom. Can I call that letting go or giving up? I don't know yet...so I keep my head up.

Eleven Weeks of Worry

It has been  two weeks  since the last ambivalently -hopeful step toward knowing was activated, where  I was told another "necessary"  test would be ordered by the surgeon.  And it has been over eleven weeks since  I first noticed the changes.  When a mind is still caught up in time focus, Eleven weeks of worry is a long time.  If we let it, it can take its toll on mind and body, on living and loving.

For the most part, I see it as an opportunity for my growth.  I do and I am even thankful for it.

Other times,  I just let it bring me down. I feel  too tired to constantly struggle to see beyond this seemingly humongous border in my psyche.  I am okay with letting go to some extent...but I have people in my life who seem to need me now...people who are suffering and are crying out for my guidance.  I also have this strong desire and calling to be more compassionate. Yet, there are times, I can not seem to reach others  over this fatigue from treading and this mental boulder that takes up so much space inside me.  So on top of worry, fear, frustration and occasional hopelessness, I have guilt and shame. The distance between me and the pool's edge seems to get longer. The boulder just gets bigger.

Why the Chaos?

Why is this happening?  Why did this thing show up on my body and why am I having such a hard time getting it diagnosed? Especially now when others are hurting and need me.   It all seems so chaotic and unnecessary...so far from the peace I so long for. These life circumstances are like weeds that popped up on the perfect landscape I thought I needed in order to be peaceful.

The weeds just are

It is only when I judge them as "ugly" "unfair", "chaotic" "bad" and as things I need  to remove from what could be a perfect lawn that I suffer.  I know that.  This pain, this bodily change, this challenge I am facing getting diagnosed...is just seemingly chaotic in my  mind.  In reality it just is.  It is no different than the flowers that bloom in my life...the moments of peace, joy, love. It just is.

Remembering that Compassion is Healing

More importantly, I am not the only one in this big vast world of billions that feels this physical pain, this fear and worry, this occasional hopelessness and fatigue.  I am not the only one who is waiting, who is treading water without knowing when she can stop.  I am not the only one dealing with a massive boulder in their psyche and feeling guilt and shame for not being able to reach out to the others who are behind it.

Or can I reach out? I can still think compassion, can't I?  I can still feel compassion for myself and all others beyond the boulder.  Compassion is not restricted by stone or water.  It flows through everything. There is, after all,  so much divine order in what seems so chaotic. 

With compassion, there is even more  order to be found in this chaos. 

It is all good.

Compassion: a Blessing in Pain

I believe that at every level of society-familial, tribal, national and international- the key to a happier and more successful world is the growth of compassion.
-Dalai Lama

I am learning, the hard way maybe :), that there is indeed a blessing in pain. 

I love what Pema Chodron in Good Medicine  says about this.  I can't put it in her exact words but something to the effect that when we become open hearted and kind to our own pain,  we can begin to experience true compassion for others. In order to truly reach out and connect to others who are suffering we have to be intimately familiar with our own. It is this open allowing and accepting of pain in our own experience that allows us to be open to others. It is only from that place of openness can we begin to make a difference.

I have had pain in my life and because of my prejudiced reactions to it, leading to attack thoughts in the many forms they come in, I have suffered.  I used to  hear myself constantly saying , "Why? Why me? How could they? This is so unfair. Poor me."....

And now I find myself saying, "Thank You"...albeit...I am still at the point of doing so  quietly, with a question mark and an unsure shrug of the shoulders...but I am getting there.  And where I am right here, right now in this understanding is perfect.

I want to be able to look out at the suffering that is evident all around me and be open to it.  I do not want to continually struggle against it, resist it, run from it or close up to it. I want to breathe it into my life. 

Why on earth would I want that?  Isn't that dark and morbid?

I want to breathe in  the suffering of the world so  I can breathe out the refreshing, soothing, healing light of compassion.   It is my heartfelt wish that all sentient beings will eventually recognize the peace that is already in them. How cool that would be. That I believe will lead to a happier and more successful world.

And it begins with recognizing our own pain, seeing it not as something to  attack...to close to or push away...but something to be kindly and compassionately accepting of.

Hmmm!

All is well in my world

ACIM-W-21-30

Pema Chodron ( Sept 11, 2016) Good Medicine Part 1: How to Turn Pain into Compassion with Tonglen. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gzMOY1AI_M

Weeds of Life

We like flowers and we don't like weeds.  Never the less, the flowers wilt and the weeds grow...despite our preference and prejudice.
-Pema Chodron

The Decision to Push Away the Unwanted

 

So we decide we don't like weeds. We decide that they are bad, ugly and something that must be removed from our gardens, our lawns, our lives. We go to war on weeds...struggling against their growth...putting protective barriers that poison the earth all over our land so they do not grow and when they grow anyway...we fly into fits of anger and spend hours pulling them out and poisoning some more.  We become vigilant and defensively on guard waiting for these dreaded monsters to pop up on our preferred  perfect landscape and we run and attack at any sign of them.

 

How beneficial are your actions, I wonder, at getting rid of weeds.  How beneficial are they to the earth, to the people who live on it and to your own well-being?  Isn't your struggle exhausting and frustrating and fruitless? Is it not  interfering with what you truly want...your peace of mind?

 

And no matter what you do...the weeds keep coming, don't they?  And the perfect image of lawn and flower you cling to seems to wilt away regardless...and maybe  even faster with your struggles.  

 

Making Judgements: Prejudices and Preferences

 

The point is we do the same in our lives with everything .  We make preferences...deciding on the things that should be in our lives...like flowers, perfect lawns, pleasurable experiences, abundance, happiness inducing things and circumstances, the "right' people who believe what we believe.  We open up to these things and put effort into cultivating them and bringing them into a moment.

 

Our moments will be worth living if we have these things right? And if we don't have them in this moment we are in, right here and now,  we will use it to work very hard to bring them into the next...we will find the perfect life lawn and garden, the perfect  happiness then.

 

We also  make prejudiced judgments about  things, certain people, feelings, experiences that do not necessarily bring pleasure. We decide that certain things should not be  in our moment, that they are bad, wrong, dangerous, ugly. These things may include drugs, physical pain, terrorism, cancer, war, potholes, anxiety, depression and certain political agendas. So we struggle and fight against these things, we close up and retract away from them, we resist them and in so doing we close down to the moment they arrive in.

 

We either poison our minds and bodies with substances that numb or we put so much physical and mental energy into resisting our moment that we become exhausted and ill.  We complain and blame others and life for these things that "keep popping  up"...and where does that get us?  Does it give us the perfect life the neighbors will be jealous of?  Does it bring sustaining joy and happiness? Does it keep the unpleasurable weeds of life out of our experience?  No

 

Life still does life...creating contrast and variety just as it is meant to.

 

Don't Need to change the World, Just the Way We Look Upon It

 

The point is, as the previous lessons from ACIM point to, it is fruitless to attempt to change the world so we can find the peace we hunger for.  All we have to do is change our thoughts.  To put away our "attack thoughts" and to see the world differently. 

 

Our prejudices and our preferences are products of thought.  They lead to attack in one form or another.  They lead to us closing up  and away from the only Life we have...which is right here, right now.

 

We Don't Know

 

Do we really know what we are judging, condemning and closing to?

 



Take another look at those weeds and realize you really do not know what they are for...you do not know what their purpose is; you don't know them.  What you think you know is just a thought, a judgment, a conditioned belief...it is simply a thought in your head and it isn't real.  We do not know what these things we experience are for.  We don't know them. We don't know what the people who show up in our lives are for.  We don't know them. That is okay.  

 

Beneath our prejudices and our preferences, beneath our frantic thinking... a new way of seeing exists.  We can look out upon the world...knowing that though we do not know what the weed is for...God does. And it is all so perfect just as it is.

 

All is well in my world.

 

 

 

 

Lesson 21-30

I see only the perishable.

I see nothing that will last.

What I see is not real.

What I see is a form of vengeance.

...

Is this the world I really want to see?

ACIM-W-22:3:3-8

 

A form of what????

 

 

Yeah I can almost hear that coming from others. After all, I  heard myself saying it out loud when I begun to read the text for the first time in 2009.  I literally closed it and put it aside for weeks...so turned off was I by that proposition.  I understand it a bit better now. As we go through the next ten lessons hopefully I can explain it in a way that doesn't turn you off.  If it still does...that is okay too. Come back to it when you are ready...if you ever are.

 

Continuing with the Mind Training

 

Determined

 

So as we continue with this mission  to see things differently so that we perceive the world, Self, each other in a healthier way we switch that willingness to a full strength determination. In Lesson 21 we are going to apply this determination to specific things and specific situations without selecting, preferring or dismissing anything. There is no room for preference or prejudice, or for measuring in terms of importance.  All the things we think of or see or experience are equally important in this practice. I am determined to see_________differently.  

 

Attack Thoughts?

 

So getting back to vengeance Lesson 22 explains that anyone who has "attack thoughts" in their mind is going to perceive a world out to get them. What are "attack thoughts"?  Thoughts of anger, blame, being victimized, punished, attacked are all "attack thoughts".  If we are angry, we see an angry, vengeful  world that we need to defend ourselves against. If we are forming judgments about others in our mind, we are going to feel judged by others.  If we are villainizing others, we are going to feel victimized by villains.  We get caught up in a mental game of Attack and Defense which are key lessons throughout  ACIM.  To get past the fear this view engenders we simply need to remind ourselves that what we are seeing is not real and it is not the type of world we wish to see.

 

 

Giving Up the Thinking

 

All we need to do to escape from this vengeful world we perceive is to give up our attack thoughts. We do not need to change the world or complain about it...that doesn't help to change anything.  We simply need to go to our minds and change what we got going on there. We have to remind ourselves that we made the world...it is a projection of our thinking.  So therefore if we let go of our angry thoughts, our own vengeful blaming and accusatory thoughts, our own fear of being attacked ...we will see and experience the world in a different way.  

 

What are you angry about?  What are you defensive about?  What things do you believe, have happened,  are happening or will happen to punish you, hurt you?  What things do you feel you need to judge and condemn because you perceive they have, are or will  attack you or others?  Who or what do you believe deserves a punishment for being hurtful to you or others?

 

Do not prioritize these thoughts in order of how much they have or do cause fear, or how rightful you are to be angry in such situations.  If you are thinking about someone who committed mass murder or someone who pulled out in front of you in traffic...it is the same thing.  They are both equally disruptive to your peace of mind.  They are both equally vengeful as thoughts. Think of these things and with each one that pops in your mind apply: I can escape from the world I see by giving up attack thoughts about______.(Lesson 23)

 

Is This Way of Thinking Healthy?

 

It is probably hard at this point to see how these thoughts are disrupting your entire peace of mind. It is hard to see how such thinking, which is so justified and normal to most of us, is keeping you from being happy. Truth is what we would like to see happen when we have conflict is actually not what would be best for us in such a situation...it is actually not something that would bring peace. It is not usually healthy.

 

In such situations we need to reflect and be honest with ourselves to realize that we really do not know what is in our best interest. We tend to gravitate towards defense and attack which is not healthy for us in the long run.  

 

For example, say you had a fight with a life long friend who apparently was overheard saying something nasty about you and you were asked to apply the practice statement In this situation involving______________, I would like____________to happen, and ______to happen ...shortly after finding out about this...how would you fill in the blanks  if you were honest? 

 

I doubt you are going to say, I would like resolution and forgiveness to happen.  No, you are likely going to say...I would like her to choke on her sandwich at lunch ....or at best...I would like her to feel very, very, shamefully guilty and to apologize and attempt to make amends to me  for months.  Right? You want vengeance...you want her to pay for hurting you. That penance comes in many forms but what we want is for the other to suffer ( maybe not necessarily choke as we imagine we want them to do when we are feeling attacked)but to suffer in some form for their sin.  Guilt -making is one of the most socially acceptable and  conditioned forms of vengeance we use.

 

You may also begin to defend yourself by saying I  have a right to be angry...or...I would like some learning on my part to happen here so I  am never stupid enough to trust people the way that I trusted her again.  Neither of these are in your best interest, are they? ( Lesson 24).

 

Ego May Convince You That It Knows What it Is For ...But Do You Know?

 

In the next lesson we are brought back to needing to realize that everything is meaningless and we really do not know what it is for.  Ego has its own agenda as to what things are for.  It has its own goals but those interests and goals are not what is best for us beyond the ego.

 

If we take away the very personalized purpose ego places on things...we will realize we really do not know what anything is for. For example...the ego may say that phone we are holding in our hands is for us to evaluate how many people "like' us on a daily basis.  It will feed ego or it push  ego to make us work harder to feed it with "likes". It doesn't see the phone as a means of reaching out and connecting in a loving, compassionate way to others.  Is the purpose that ego prescribes to the phone healthy?  No...but most of us would see the phone like that and not think of what the real purpose is beyond ego. (Lesson 25)

 

 

The Thought Attacks

 

 

We have this erroneous belief that we can attack and cause damage and be attacked and suffer damage. If I project my anger out there...I am automatically going to feel threatened that anger and vengeance  and attack will come back at me. This makes us feel vulnerable and we do not like to feel vulnerable. 

 

So what do we do to end this uneasiness that would be best for us?  Put up massive barriers around us, continue to attack before we are attacked? Start a war?  Does that make sense when you think about that?

 

What we  have to do is go back into our minds where this idea of vulnerability and invulnerability exists and come to terms with this truth: Nothing except your thoughts can attack you."  The practice in Lesson 26 encourages us to think about our vulnerability inducing experiences and fill in the blanks for: I am concerned about__________.  I am afraid___________will happen, Then it is very important to leave the practice statement with That thought is an attack upon myself.

 

It is not the situation  we are afraid of that is attacking us...it is our thought about it.  Get that?

 

Prioritize Seeing

 

What we really, really need to do, if we want to train the mind towards peace rather than its tendency toward stress and distress, is make seeing correctly our main priority over all the other things we think we want from Life.  At first we were willing to see correctly, then we were determined...now at this point we make it our priority.

 

Vision has no cost to anyone.  It can only bless. We need to repeat this again and again throughout the day, even if we don't think we mean it at this point. ( Lesson 27)

 

Seeing Differently

 

And true seeing means seeing things differently than how we see them now...differently than how ego wants us to see them. We need to put aside our preconceived ideas  about all the things we look upon in our physical world.  Put aside the names, the labels, what we have been taught, what we have learned from past experiences with these things and see each  for what it is...not what we believe it to be or "assume' it is.

 

Above all else I want to see this__________differently. ( Lesson 28)

 

God is in Everything

 

The next lesson may be a challenge for some depending on how they feel about the term "God" and how they apply it. This works well for me because It is a thought process and a reference for me that allows me to envision the Creator of all things in all things. 

 

This lesson  also touches on this idea of Oneship/ Yoga/ universal connection and shared consciousness. Nothing is separate because God is in everything. We also have to realize that our understanding of a thing's purpose is limited but God understands what it is for.  We will learn to look at everything with love, appreciation and open mindedness, if we see God in everything. 

 

God is in the coat hanger. God is in this body....etc ( Lesson 29).

 

Real Vision Begins in the Mind

 

Finally, in Lesson 30 we leap into "Real Vision" by seeing in the world what is in our minds. We are taught that Real Vision is not limited by concepts such as near or far, by space or distance.  It does not depend on our limited eyesight at all. God is in everything I see because God is in my mind. 

 

These are all very important lessons to understand before we are able to move on.  Take time and ponder them...hopefully while you study ACIM for yourself.

 

All is well.

 

ACIM Workbook Lessons 21-30



Five Mental Reasons Why We Suffer

Your Self is still in peace, even though your mind is in conflict.
ACIM-T-3:VII:5:8

I am back on the topic of uncertainty as the root of suffering.  I have to stress, first of all, that we know the difference between pain and suffering.  Pain , in terms of the challenges we face as we move around in the physical world,  is unavoidable. Suffering, in terms of how we react to those things,  is avoidable. The mind is where suffering begins and where it can end ( if we learn to see beyond its frantic tendencies).

So in yesterday's entry I wrote about how uncertainty is the chief cause of fear and fear is suffering...it is what the mind tends to do with pain. It creates False Evidence Appearing Real.  It isn't real as the lessons of ACIM have proved to date...we just believe it is. All suffering comes from things that don't exist. (Deepak Chopra).

In a presentation done with Eckhart Tolle, Deepak Chopra explains our root of suffering by using a new spin on the yoga Kleshas.  His explanation of ignorance, egoism, attachment, aversion and fear make perfect sense to me when I attempt to understand uncertainty in suffering. They echo what I have been writing  about and what I have been learning in ACIM.

Why we suffer

1.  We Do Not Know Who We Are

We have no idea  who we are.  All your difficulties stem from the fact that you do not recognize yourself...(ACIM:3:III:2:1)

We think we are what we have been taught, think and led to believe we are. We are confusing Self with a socially induced hallucination that does not exist. (Chopra).  We are mixing up ego with who we are. The ego is the wrong-minded attempt to perceive yourself as you wish to be, rather than as  you are. (ACIM-T-3:IV:2:3) .


Tolle explains that who we really are is often overlooked because we are hypnotized by the constant movement of form which includes bodies, objects, thoughts, emotions and the busy world around us. We too often do not notice the still, timeless spaciousness in the background of this movement...that is who we are.


We are not the concepts, ideas, images, roles, stories and thought streams we have created to define who we are.  This idea of self is always uneasy and uncertain looking for more things to identify with.  It can never be satisfied with pretending. This leads to suffering.

2. Craving permanence in a world that is impermanent.

We seek safety and balance behind walls we create because the  uncertainty of the world scares us.  We want something to cling to and look to the "solid" things around us not recognizing that they too are constantly changing or  moving in  some atomic way we cannot see.  We suffer because we will never find permanence in the impermanent and all things of the physical world are impermanent. The false walls we build and believe in make us feel separated and alone...thus leading to more craving for stability.   We will never find the stability we long for in a world that is in constant flux, constant change.



3. Fear of the impermanent.

When we recognize the flux and changing nature of life we fear.  We fear that the things we are able to attain will be taken from us, they will be lost or they will die...so we end up clinging and forming attachments to those things (including our special relationships)  our mind tells us to "prefer".  We cling because we fear loss and this leads to suffering.

Fear is a symptom of your own deep sense of loss. (ACIM-T-12:1:9:1)

4. Identify with self image instead of the Self.

A concept of the self is made by you. It bears no likeness to yourself at all.(ACIM-T-31:V:2:1-2)


We make choices about what we want and what we don't want; what defines us and what doesn't. We push away the things our "little me's" tell us are bad for us and cling to the things that help us to build this identity of self....the perfect job, home, person on our arm etc.  It is all image we build, mental construct of self we create...not who we are. This will never sustain us or prevent us from suffering.  Until we know who we truly are beyond this feeble constructed version of self, we suffer

5. We fear death

We fear death in all its forms, not just of the body.  We fear death of ego...this little self we have identified with for so long.  We wonder what we will be without it.  We fear death of an image, a role, an idea that we have identified with.  We fear death of other recognition of this self image we created.  If they no longer see or approve of this image who will we be?  And we fear death of the body.  Who will we be when the body is left behind?

The fear of death will go as its appeal is yielded to love's real attraction. (ACIM-T-19: IV:C:9:1)

All of this causes suffering but all of this is unnecessary as we will discover as we progress through the teachings.

ACIM

Eckhart Tolle & Deepak Chopra (2013) Present Moment Reminders. Eckhart Tolle TV https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNFHVWdqr94

Dissolving the Iron Heart

The basis for fearlessness is really knowing fear.
_Pema Chodron

Uncertainty

The review of the last ten lessons from ACIM has left me pondering this tendency we have as humans to make the world more meaningful than it is so we do not have to experience its uncertainty.  The world is uncertain.  We do not like that feeling of uncertainty and will do whatever we can to avoid feeling it.  Pema Chodron in Smile at Fear relays a study finding published in Times magazine that more or less proves that people are more afraid of uncertainty than they are of physical pain.  Man, that echoes what I have been going through.  I can handle the pain that I am experiencing with these bodily changes, I just feel like I cannot cope with the "not knowing" what  is causing the pain and what my future may hold for me and my loved ones. The world beneath my feet  feels more shaky than usual...not that it is...just that I am noticing it more and I am struggling to keep my balance. I fear this uncertainty.

Fear of Facing our Own Vulnerability

What causes uncertainty, which we would know as anxiety, uneasiness, worry in everyday life?  That is basically fear in its many forms. Chodron tells us the uneasiness comes from having to face ourselves in our armour less forms.  As the lessons showed when we have to face the reality that the world is meaningless and that we erroneously gave it any meaning it might have, we begin to blame ourselves rather than it. The beginning phases of the reversal [our mind training] are often quite painful, for as blame is withdrawn from without, there is a strong tendency to harbor it within. (ACIM-T-11: IV:4:5) We begin a process of self loathing. We also have to face that we are feeling vulnerable, separated and alone. Without the story we made of the world and our fictionalized parts in it....who are we and can we cope? We doubt self.  We do not trust our ability to make it in this world without our masks, defenses, armours and weapons....I guess...without our egos. Stepping out and away from ego ( who we thought we were) leaves us feeling very uneasy.   Whenever fear intrudes anywhere along the road to peace, it is because the ego has attempted to join the journey with us and cannot do so. (ACIM-T-8:V:5:5-6)

Running Away from Unworthiness

We do not want to put down the defenses the ego has given us, we do not want to get beyond the protective walls we have built around this idea we have of a separated and vulnerable little being.  Anything that threatens that pretense we have created is uncomfortable...it triggers us and we do anything we can to run away from having to experience it.  We run into our busy work or our outward projections ( blaming and complaining) or we numb. We do not want to feel vulnerable.  We do not want to sit with the fear of our own unworthiness.

So how do we get past that?

How do we get past fear.  We stop running and go through it.

We do not run from it. Most, if not all the "horrors" we have perpetuated upon the world as human beings comes from our tendency to run from this vulnerability that arises when we put away our defenses. (Chodron; 2016).  When we are truly ready to open up in an honest genuine way, to put down our defenses we take a brave look at our own vulnerability. We begin to understand fear.

We learn to just sit with the feeling of fear that lay within the protective fortress of our Iron heart.  We allow the walls, the story, the concepts, intellectualizations and what not to dissolve and we simply sit with that feeling of uneasiness...that comes in my case, for example, with the form of  not knowing what is happening to me physically.  We learn to just sit with fear until it too dissolves.

We begin healing ourselves and ultimately the world...in the truest sense of the word.

All is well in my world.

ACIM

Pema Chodron (Aug, 2016) Smile at Fear. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=go5aNPKaXtc

Lessons 11-20

What God did not create does not exist.  And everything that does exist exists as He created it.  The world you see has nothing to do with reality.  It is your own making, and it does not exist.
ACIM-W-14:1:2-5


Meaningless World

In the next ten lessons of A Course in Miracles we, as students, are encouraged to begin correcting and reversing the way we think. We begin by  looking  at how our "meaningless" thoughts are effecting the way we perceive the world. (Lesson 11).  We seem to think the world out there is responsible for what we see and for what makes us upset.  We also think that we are upset because the world we see, with our distorted thinking, seems so frightening or sad or violent but we are really upset  because we see a meaningless world. We think we are happy when we see a nice world or a good world but it is the same distorted thinking.  There is no "nice" or no "bad" anywhere but in our minds.


Meaningless us?

Part of us (the ego)  wants to be able to describe things in this way...to look out and see these distinctions. When we see a meaningless world instead it is upsetting. (Lesson 12).  I believe it is upsetting because we realize that if the world has no meaning, it cannot be the source of our suffering. That would mean that we are and that makes us feel the vulnerability, self-loathing and inadequacy we have worked so hard to run away from feeling. If the world is not the source of the problem then there is something really wrong with us. That feels terrible to the ego dominated mind. We therefore need to write our own stories, dramas, roles, thought streams etc to give meaning to what is meaningless, to take us away from this sense of vulnerability that feels so uncomfortable. That is where ego comes in.

Ego vs God

 Recognizing  a  "meaningless" world, as we are encouraged to do in ACIM, also creates fear in us because what ego has created ( the story, the narration, the drama, the ideas, concepts and images) seems to compete with the truth that God creates.  We feel we are caught in a war between ego's version of reality and God's. Feeling separated and puppets to our egos which would rather us feel like victims to a harsh outside reality than responsible for teh way we "edge God out"  , we feel we are in competition with God. (Lesson 13) . 

God did Not Make the Meaningless World: Our Thinking  Did

Then in Lesson 14 we are encouraged to rationalize why God could not have created a meaningless world.(See the opening quote).  Reminds me of the teaching from Patanjali's Sutras, The entire outside world is based on your thoughts and mental attitudes. The entire world is your own projection. (Satchidananda, pg 5)  This concept may be hard for us to actually swallow and  believe at first.  Especially when we are instructed to think of the specific  things we fear and repeat to ourselves "God did not create cancer "( for example)...therefore cancer isn't real".   That is not going to initially feel like truth but the more we practice, the more we wake up...the more this truth sinks in. If God didn't create it, than it can only be in our mind.


Our Thoughts are Meaningless Images

Because our thoughts appear as clear images in our minds and we believe we think them...we cannot see them as the "nothing" they actually are. (Lesson 15). They seem so real. Image making using our thoughts and physical eyes takes the place of seeing clearly.  The practice in Lesson 15 encourages us to repeat This ____is an image that I have made, as we look around at whatever we see. 

Once again we are reminded throughout all the lessons not to be selective or to discriminate what we see...all of it is equally meaningless and equally as much an image in our mind as anything else.

Our Thoughts Are Not Neutral: They Create The  World We See

So if everything, absolutely everything, is a result of our thoughts we need to realize that our thoughts have an effect on how we see reality. Everything we see is a result of our thoughts.  (Lesson 16) Thought are never idle and will bring us either peace or war, love or fear. Though reality is neutral...our thoughts cannot be.  We are encouraged to look at all the thoughts that pop into our head (and not discriminate or level them in degree of importance) and remind ourselves  that This thought about______is not a neutral thought because we have no neutral thoughts. 

The good news is that though they are all equally destructive, they are equally unreal.  Thoughts are not big or little, powerful or weak.  They are merely true or false.

In Lesson 17 we are reminded that we cannot see neutral things because what we see is a result of our thinking about these things.  We are encouraged to glance around ( making no distinctions) and say out loud or to ourselves, I do not see a neutral _____[wall, desk, plant, body etc], because my thoughts about______________are not neutral.

Not Alone

In the next lessons we are reminded that our minds are joined and therefor we are not alone in experiencing the effects of our seeing (Lesson 18) and the effects of our thoughts. ( Lesson 19) Thinking and its results are really simultaneous, for cause and effect are never separate.

Willing to See Correctly

And in Lesson 20, we commit to being willing to see correctly.  The lesson reminds us that we are not seeing now.  It encourages us to train our minds so that we do..You want to be happy. You want peace.  You do not have them now, because your mind is totally undisciplined, and you cannot distinguish between joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain, love and fear.  You are now learning how to tell them apart.  And great indeed will your reward be.

In a nutshell...it is our minds that take us away from peace and Love when our thinking and vision is distorted.  We need to change the way we think so we change the way we see the world.

All is well.

ACIM ( 2007) A Course in Miracles: Combine Volume: Workbook Lessons 11-20. Foundations For Inner Peace

Have No Fear

The whole secret of existence is to have no fear.
-Buddha ( https://www.yourtango.com/2018313542/best-buddha-quotes-mental-health-mental-illness-find-peace)

Now I am not sure if this is a legitimate quote from Buddha or not but I put it here because it also summarizes the whole Course in Miracles as well.


A meaningless world engenders fear. ACIM-W-13

We get beyond the meaningless to the meaningful and we get beyond fear to Love.

All is well.

Recognizing A Shared Humanity

 

Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.

Pema Chodron

 

 

 Before I get to the next ten lessons, which do apply very much to what I have been writing about of my personal experience, I  need to acknowledge this big "blob of thinking" that my body and mind keep taking me back to.

 

The Blob on the Page

 

 As I sit down to write, I keep coming back to  my present worry and frustration about a change that is taking place in my body and the circumstances that are surrounding it.  It is not something I would normally share.  Very few people in my immediate surroundings know about my experience. I am not sharing it, off the page,  because I have not been told what this is yet  and  have no intention of worrying loved ones with it until I have been. Yet when I come here to write about training the mind, which is ultimately what ACIM and all the teachings I am delving into lately are about,...out it plops onto the page...like a big blob of ink I cannot hide.  I cannot seem to ignore it so I write around it.

 

When I don't resist it from coming out  or when I don't beat myself up for spilling it all out here, I discover something. What seemed like an obstacle in the way of my understanding and my intention to share on a less personal level ... can  actually be  more of a doorway than a wall.  It can be  a doorway into  a greater understanding, and a portal into being able to teach at a higher level.  It could be an opening into  healing for me and others. Instead of being "blocked" by it, I can find a way through the worry and frustration and at the same time I can use it to do what I am here to do...teach and learn; learn and teach. That's pretty cool.

 

So how do I get through it and what do I  teach with it?

 

Compassion

 

I get through it with the thing that heals all and that is what we all need to teach and learn. That thing is compassion. Though, I really need to practice Maître ( loving kindness) toward myself which I honestly have a hard time doing when I am less than 100% productive,  I also have to realize that I am not the only one experiencing this. What a wonderful opportunity for all of us to learn to practice compassion.  I am going to use the Buddhist teachings and more specifically Tonglen.

 

First: Open to What is with Maître

 

Maître is all about being kind to self and whatever we are experiencing.  It is about accepting ourselves wherever we are at, lovingly and nonjudgmentally. We can use it in our compassionate practice as a first step in opening up to what is.

 

Once we  remove the  story, the words, concepts, ideas, judgments etc from around the experience, we need to simply feel what we feel.  We  need to compassionately sit with the physical pain, the worry, the fear, the frustration and the anger and resentment, without judging it or the self for it. I practice this but I don't always find it easy .

 

Staying Open to Physical Pain

 

My spiral, in this example of my personal experience, usually starts with pain. Physical pain is easier for me. I have a high pain threshold and I can tolerate a fair amount of pain.  I can naturally open up to it, allow it. I can sit with that.  What I am challenged by is how, when I become aware of the pain,  the mind just seems to automatically take off with it. It carries it into one thought stream after another. I suddenly, it seems without warning, find myself closed to the pain and all that follows. 

 

The trick is to know when I closed and keep bringing myself back to an open acceptance of what is in my moment.

 

Staying Open to Worry

 

Pain often leads me to worry. So I want  to catch myself before or during worry. If I realize I am worrying about what is going on and what the pain might mean, I want to be able   to just sit with the feeling...to allow all the words around it fade away and just sit with the worry.

 

The words, thoughts, story line will come back in throughout my practice again and again...and I just need to clump it all up into "THINKING" and gently, lovingly and kindly bring myself back to moment, body, breath...back to worry and from worry back into  the physical pain again if it is still in my moment. 

 

Accept  what is and allow it.

 

Staying Open to F.E.A.R

 

Sometimes, I don't catch it at worry and the spiral  escalates into a full blown fear response . I wake up and find myself there. The narrator in my head is even more persistent and dramatic at those times. Once again I gently remove myself and the feeling of  fear from the storyline created by the mind to keep it going.  I open to the fear, I accept it, I allow it and I  feel it until it subsides into worry Then I watch as  the worry eventually dissolves into physical pain again.

 

Staying Open to Shame, Guilt, Anger, Blame, and Frustration

 

Sometimes, the spiral pulls me so fast through worry and fear that I find myself frustrated and angry over the story created about my waiting and what is happening with the delays etc. I see that I  want to blame and lash out at others and life.  I catch myself there.  I breathe. I gently pull the anger, frustration or blame...whatever I am experiencing... from the story and I sit with that as the story slowly dissolves around me.  Guilt and shame might pop in...I sit with that. From there I watch as I am carried back to anger, blame and then frustration. From there I am guided back into fear and from there worry and finally back into physical pain. I am back in the body; back in my moment  and I breathe it out there.

 

This usually isn't an uninterrupted process.  Thoughts and story will often pop in, bringing with them a host of unexpected emotions.  Being open, means being okay with that...almost expecting the interruption  and allowing it. So we catch ourselves being carried away by story...that awareness that it is just a story allows it to dissolve.  We are left with whatever feeling is there and we stay open to that. Until the next interruption arises. We slip off, become aware that we have and we gently bring self back again ad again and again.

 

Be Open and Kind to Self First

 

Because this feels like such a big and heavy thing in the middle of my life it is hard for me to see around it to other people.  I know I have to put a great deal of my practice into opening up with Maitre before I can extend my compassion in a meaningful way outward to others.   

 

Just Like Me...

 

Once I am open I can begin to recognize and open up to  the suffering of others. I can breathe it in.  I remind myself that there are others going through what I am going through,  that are in some ways just like me.:

 

There are others out there that wake up in the morning with similar pain and who are being swept away by a series of thoughts and worries when they feel it...just like me. 

 

There are others who have experienced the same set of delays and circumstances I have ( I just need to think of the women who were in the waiting room with me that day)....just like me.

 

There are others who are wondering what is happening to their bodies  and feeling fear as a result. ...just like me.

 

There are others out there feeling powerless and at the mercy of the egos and decisions of others...just like me.

 

There are others who are frustrated with the system, angry, wanting to lash out and  blame others for being afraid  whether it is justified or not...just like me.  

 

 

Open up to the  Similar suffering of others

 

So if this is a formal practice I would meditate on breathing in the dark heavy cloud of the suffering of others with the wish or intention that they be free of it. If it is more of an impromptu in the moment  practice...every time I get a bout of pain I can think of others having similar pain and wish that they be relieved of it; every time I worry I can think of others worrying and wish that they be relieved of that worry etc.  Or anytime I run into someone who is experiencing something even remotely similar or any suffering in general...I can open up to that suffering, allow it into my being with a sincere wish they be free of it.

 

Extend compassionate thoughts out

 

In a formal practice I would breathe out light, coolness, fresh healing energy to all those who I imagine are suffering a certain way.  In the on the spot practice...when I feel pain I can wish that all those with pain are now healed and finding joy, well being, mobility, freedom, etc.

 

"The Bravest Step"

 

We can take this a step farther, only  if we are brave enough and open enough to do so.  We can say, "Since I am feeling this pain anyway, may I carry the pain for others.  May they feel less pain with the more I carry." I have done this before when I was much younger, not knowing then that I was practicing Tonglen, and it gave my pain purpose and meaning.  Though it did not take it away, it made it so much more bearable. 

Now I think I can do that with the physical aspect of my so called "suffering" right now.  I can take more physical pain for others. I am not sure I can do it with the fear though.  I am not sure if I am brave enough. And that is okay.  In my practice of maître, that is okay.

 

So those are the steps of getting through such experiences. I think I am finally ready to move on from this...at least on the page.  Hope my use of this example has helped someone else.  I know it has helped me.

 

All is well.

 

Pema Chodron (Sept, 2016) Good Medicine Part 1: How to Turn Pain into Compassion with Tonglen Meditation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gzMOY1AI_M

 

Pema Chodron (Sept, 2016) Good Medicine Part 2: How to Turn Pain into Compassion with Tonglen Meditation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3h5vPerR87s

 

Michael Singer (2007) the untethered soul. New Harbinger

Many Paths

Many paths, one journey, same destination.

Unknown

 (Man...I have to get out there and shoot some more pics...this is an oldy)

I am going to get back to the next ten lessons in A Course in Miracles very soon.  I am aware that right now it might all seem very confusing.

As you can see ... I often go from ACIM philosophy to Yoga to Buddhism in my explanations.  You will also  see me referring to traditional Christianity, Taoism, Kabbala Judaism, Sufism in Islam, the teachings of aboriginal North and South Americans and so much more as I go over the lessons and teachings in ACIM.  Why do you think that is?  (Besides the fact that I am like a 10 year old kid with ADHD or a bad meth problem at times. :))

There is one universal truth in all the teachings I have stumbled upon over the years...One destination even though there are many paths.  I just happen to love learning from a variety of teachers in a variety of ways. I like a change of scenery so I skip from one trail  to the other on my way to that One destination.

A Course takes us toward the same destination, has the same elements to be taught as all the teachings do.  Sure there is different terminology, different approaches etc but the learning is universal.  For me, to share the learning I gained from ACIM, I cannot help but to bring up similar  lessons from different teachers.

It is not my desire to confuse you or myself.  It is my desire to fully learn all I can on this path to the One Truth.  In order to learn I must teach and in order to teach I must learn.  (Now that is a lesson A Course  definitely pushes.)

I am a pretty good teacher.  If you can trust that and be patient with the confusing parts I may just be able to get you through the confusion to what I believe  A Course in Miracles wants us all to walk away with. I can't say I will take you to that Truth...I cannot even say if I will ever get there.  I am very, very far from being enlightened or a guru of any kind.  I am simply just a chatty travelling companion with a mission. :)

And you, have to be willing and ready for what I share if you want to understand what I am writing here.  If you are not willing, not ready...that is perfectly okay too.  Take your time...enjoy the scenery on whatever path you are on and with whomever you are travelling with.

It is all good!

Healing the Mind and Body with Compassion

Compassion is what heals us...
Pema Chodron

A Recap

As I discuss the body in terms of the teachings of A Course in Miracles I want to make sure we are all on the same page ( whether we agree or not is irrelevant).    My goal is not to convince you of anything...just to share what I learned from the text and lessons, okay?

I know my last few entries are all over the place and I did not successfully accomplish what I meant to in the teaching for myself...so I probably didn't make it clear for others.

I was just trying, however poorly, to make a point that the body is not who we are.  It is something "we" are in...it is a vehicle that gets us from point A to point B. It is also a tool that the mind uses. 

It is different from the mind in the power it has over our lives.  The mind is powerful and creative.  It determines, in a great sense, what is going on in the world around us and in the body (check out past discussions on the nocebo and placebo effect).

The body does not control what is going on in the mind.   It doesn't create or think for itself in the way we are conditioned to believe it does.  It doesn't randomly attack us with disease and pain and malfunction. The only power the body has over our lives is the power the mind gives it. 

The mind, in terms of our belief, tends to make the body more powerful than it is. The mind convinces us that the body is all powerful. That idea is just an illusion.  As amazing as the body is...it does not create our experiences.  The mind does. In other words, the mind controls the body yet  we tend to erroneously  believe it is the body controlling our experiences.

The body , however, can help us understand what is going on in the mind.  When the body gets sick...there is something going on in the mind that needs to be corrected. The body then can be used as a learning instrument to help us correct the mind.

Does that, what A Course teaches about the body,  make sense so far?

Ultimately we are on a mission to heal the mind.  Right?

So what tool can we use to heal the mind...especially one that might fear what the body is doing and fear what Life is doing? (As in my personal example.)

We know we want to train the mind( and thus the body)  to behave differently. We want to step away from old habitual patterns of reacting and do something differently.  We want to partake in a practice  that is more effective in reducing our sense of suffering. We want peace over mental stress.

So what do we do?


Let's look at two things before we go farther:

What is the old habitual way the mind responds to "unpleasant" things?


The habitual mind is one so many of us get lost in.  It involves a pattern of building  story, narrating, judging our experiences, creating preferences that we open up to and  defining the unwanted things we judge as bad that we close up to.  In other words, we habitually tend to, as human beings,   go toward and cling to the pleasurable in our outer world experience, and close up and push away the unpleasurable.

We tend to outwardly seek gratification from life experiences that we have been conditioned to believe are  pleasurable and that do feel good when we experience them.  We do feel good when we find a soul mate .  We do feel good when we land our dream job.  We do feel good when others approve of us. Is that enough?

We also tend to avoid, close up to or push away experiences that we have been conditioned to believe are bad...like physical pain, shame, anger, fear, other people who trigger us, and circumstances that do not gratify us etc.

In terms of the body...we open up to things that make it feel good and do whatever we can to avoid or stop it from feeling bad.  We get a pain, for example ...we judge it as bad because we have been conditioned to believe it is bad. We then automatically begin to use the mind to complain about it or create story about it (when we create story, narrate, complain...what we are doing is taking ourselves out of the body where the pain is and into our minds...so in a sense we are detaching from the actual  moment and escaping into the unreality of our thinking about it). If that doesn't work we do whatever we can to "numb" the pain with substances or we look to something or someone outside ourselves to end the pain. We are closing up to the pain.

Now I am using the body as an example here but that thing we close up to  can be anything we deem as unpleasant  like a boring experience waiting, dealing with an angry boss, having a fight with a dishonest spouse, or feeling ourselves becoming irate as we deal with misbehaving children. It can be as it is in my situation dealing with other individuals who for whatever reason have a different agenda than mine.

But since we are talking about the body we will use the example of the physical pain I am experiencing in my body and the circumstances around it.


What is suffering then?

The habitual conditioned and collective mind will tell us that suffering is having to deal with all these unpleasant things.  Suffering is the pain, the illness, the terrible thing someone did or said.  Suffering is the shame and the fear, the anger and resentment.

A Course in Miracles, and most Buddhist teachings , I am thinking most specifically of Tonglen at the moment)  tells us differently.  It tells us that suffering is not that feeling or situation that is happening in our moment.  It is what we tend to do with it. When we judge an experience as bad and then attempt close up to it ...avoid it, resist it , struggle against it...that is where suffering comes from.

What if the thing we are trying to avoid actually made us happy and more peaceful in the long run...would you still want to push it away? No...it is still the same thing...but because it was not something we felt the need to push away, we no longer suffer.

The problem is not the experience...it is our attempt to resist it and close up to it that brings suffering. Why do we resist it and close up?  Because we have come to believe it (whatever that unpleasant thing is)  is bad and to be avoided.  Why do we believe this?  Because we made a metal judgment about it based on what we were taught in the past. We judged it as bad.

When we follow the habitual tendencies, we make judgments and preferences instead of looking at everything in a neutral light.  If we were not conditioned to believe pain was a bad thing and that it should be avoided...we would not avoid pain. We would not close up to it.  If we were not taught that fear was to be avoided we would not avoid fear.  We would not build story and narration around our experiences and we would just feel and deal with whatever showed up in our moment.

Yes I have physical  pain and my mind wants to convince me that is a bad thing. It drags me, when I allow it to, on a big long story making journey from one thought, one judgment about it to another.  That is how I resist the physical pain.  I get lost in a story about it.  I end up "suffering" more because of it.  I fear, feel stress, anger, frustration...all because I get a spasm of pain.

What we can do with pain instead of getting lost in a habitual pattern of reacting? Tonglen

Step One: Remove the story Line and Feel

We can stay open to the pain...we can just allow it.  We get rid of the story, the narration, the thinking we have built  around it and we just feel! 

I need to put aside my "this could be..."; and my "I can't get a diagnosis..." and my "He did this or that..." that take me out of my moment.  I must  just be willing to sit with and  feel the pain. I may notice fear as I sit here with my physical pain that prevents me from experiencing it openly...I take away the words around the worry  and I just feel the fear.  I may notice I feel anger and mistrust...I remove the story line and just sit with anger and mistrust. I sit and feel.

Step Two: Remind self that others feel the same

This is where the compassion comes in.  We sit and feel our own sense of pain but extend that feeling to all others out there that feel a similar pain. There were other women that day that had lumps, were fearful of what that might mean for them ,  and from what I have been told received the same lectures, and are therefore possibly feeling the same frustration and confusion that I am feeling.  There are others who have physical pain without knowing what the cause is ( the cause is the story...the pain is the reality). There are others who are feeling fear, worry, anger and frustration for whatever reason.  (The reason is the story, the feeling is the reality) . That could even include the person we may feel frustration toward...maybe they too feel fear, worry, anger and frustration and that is what is leading them to act in the way they are.

Step Three: Set your intentions for others as well as self

So we breathe in a genuine desire that all those who are just like us in their suffering  be free of such suffering and we breathe out the hope for a peaceful, healed mind and body for everyone.

That is Tonglen...that is a compassionate practice. That is what I wish to master.

All is well in my world.

Pema Chodron (Sept 2016) Good Medicine Part 1: How to Turn Pain into Compassion with Tonglen Meditation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gzMOY1AI_M

Getting to Know Fear

If you do not get to know the nature of fear, you will never know fearlessness.
Pema Chodron

So as we begin to understand the teachings of a Course in Miracles which beautifully echoes many old, wise and trusted teachings like Buddhism, we come to realize how fear stands in our way of being truly at peace.

The premise of A Course is to take us from what is unreal to what is real by changing the way we think of the world, ourselves and each other. We need to let go of old habitual ways of thinking and reacting so we can open up to the moment and all it is, regardless of what form it is taking. Of course it takes a bit of courage to do that.  It takes courage to see how our mind needs healing and be willing to do so. What does healing involve?   A Course teaches  All healing is essentially the release from fear. ( ACIM-T-2:IV:1:7).

According to Buddhist teachers like Pema Chodron, it is fear that keeps us stuck in the past and that prevents us from moving from a state of narrow mindedness to an open understanding of the world, from rigidity in belief to flexibility and from resistance to accepting . (Pema Chodron, ) Being willing to look at the errors of our ways so we can open up and expand beyond the habitual mind takes more than a bit of courage. We need to be willing to face our fears.

I don't know how brave I am but I want to use my health experience as a medium for growth.  I want to be able to sit with the fear I feel, the mistrust and confusion and let go of any resistance I have to it.  I want to just allow it all to be.  It isn't easy...I am goofing up big time but I am confident with practice I can turn this fear ( maybe not into complete fearlessness lol but...) into something I can grow from.

All is well in my world.

ACIM

Pema Chodron (April 2017) The Noble Journey from Fear to Fearlessness . https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6t_SGso_1PY

 

Place the fearful mind in the cradle of loving kindness.

Pema Chodron

The First Ten Lessons

This idea will release me from all that I now believe.
ACIM-W-10:4:3

As promised:

I will begin going through the lessons in ACIM but cannot stress enough this is my interpretation only.  If you are interested in learning through this curriculum, get a copy of the workbook and do the exercises yourself as expertly directed there.

A Summary of the First Ten Lessons ACIM: Workbook

The first ten lessons from A Course In Miracles basically signifies what the whole course is about: the importance of training the mind to get beyond what it has been conditioned to believe, to the truth of who we are.  I guess, it really isn't a training but an undoing of learning, a guide that allows us to see what is important by getting beyond our preoccupation with what is not important.  Each of the ten initial lessons encourages the student to look around their external world surroundings (very briefly) and then  into their minds to question what they see there. By so doing, the student should realize that what they see is never as it has appeared to them for so long. 

This teaching in regard to looking outward and inward to examine  reality is not unique to ACIM. Many wise masters throughout the years have taught the need to examine our reality. Socrates said "A life  unexamined is not worth living." Buddha taught, "We live in an illusion and appearance of things."  Patanjali taught that the entire outside world is based on our thoughts and mental attitude (Satchidananda pg 5)

Lesson 1-10

The things of the external world once examined do not really mean what we have come to believe they mean.   They in fact, don't  mean anything (Lesson 1) . We have given all objects of form  a false meaning and once we remove that meaning,  we realize we do not understand any of it. (Lesson 2 & 3)

If we take this questioning gaze into our minds we will realize that our thoughts are like the things we see and they too mean nothing nor do we understand them. (Lesson 4).  That means when we get upset about something we are never upset for the reason we think we are.  We have a  usual tendency to grasp at an external reason for our being angry, sad, offended etc and to categorize our  forms of upset into a hierarchy of degrees.  When we examine our thoughts and feelings  we need to remind ourselves that there are "...no small upsets. They are all equally disturbing to our peace of mind." (Lesson 5) Whether we are upset by someone forgetting to put the toilet seat down or upset about a diagnosis of cancer...it has the same effect on our peace of mind.

We are upset because we see something that isn't there in each of these forms of upset. (Lesson 6).  And what we see is the past in each object and thought or upset we experience.   We think we know what a cup is, for example,  because we were taught in the past about a "cup".  Everything we label... be it an object, a thought or an emotion is based on what we were taught about it in the past so we really do not see it as it is now ( Lesson 7).  We seem to spend most of our  time stuck in thoughts of the  past and  we are usually so preoccupied with the past that we see nothing as it is now.  (Lesson 8) All the past conditioning, labelling, naming, and teaching that we received about the things we see now is in the way of us really seeing them. ( Lesson 9) 

Once we take each thought we are thinking and own it, recognizing that it doesn't mean anything,  we will be able to let go of some of that conditioning and the beliefs that hold us back. (Lesson 10)

Other teachings say the same thing

The initial lessons hint at the need to get beyond our preconceived notions about things, our mental modifications that stand in our way of finding the peace of mind that is our natural inheritance. This is also what yoga is all about. " If you can control the rising of the mind into ripples, you will experience yoga."(Satchidananda, page 3) It is also the premise of Buddhism that the root cause of  all suffering is in our minds.

So these very potent and effective lessons are just one way to get to a very universal truth.  If you want to explore this curriculum,  I encourage you to try them one at a time in the way you are instructed to by studying the workbook.

All is well

ACIM: Workbook, lessons 1-10

Satchidananda, Sri Swami ( 2011) The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. Yogaville: Integral Yoga publications

Body Thoughts: Real Evidence Appearing False Vs False Evidence Appearing Real

The Presence of fear shows that you have raised body thoughts to the level of the mind.
-ACIM


I just sat here, thinking I would write about some great learning from  ACIM but the following came out.  I then discovered I was  stuck on fear because body thoughts have risen to the level of the mind.  I realized that I have a situation in my life where there is Real Evidence Appearing False and  I am worried about it repeating itself in this recent health scare I have been experiencing. It is actually the possibility of Real Evidence Appearing False that is causing me fear right now.

Ongoing Evidence: Real or Unreal?

I am sometimes  lost in body thoughts again.  I am looking for evidence to rationalize my slips.

I am stressed. Stress makes my body sooo tired.  It has this strange effect on my pulse and blood pressure...kind of the opposite effect it would have on most people.  Instead of causing  an increase in these two things, prolonged stress leads to  a decrease.  My systolic blood pressure will hover around 80 and 90 after extended periods dealing with a stressful situation (I don't think 90 is an issue but 80 with drops into the 70's...yeah, that's fatiguing...and I have recordings, witnessed by others, as low as 64 when I was still conscious . I don't know how low it gets before I faint?)

My pulse will go through days hovering  around 45 with drops into the 30's, as it is doing now.  If you ever experienced a pulse in the 40's and 30's for more than a few hours  you would know what I mean by tired! There is also a connection obviously between the brady and hypotension with the chest pain I get.

A History with Real  Evidence Appearing False.

I have "whined" and  "complained" about this phenomena for over 20 years and  I am not sure if people  "out there' really  believe me or  understand the impact it has had on my life. Even with all the recorded evidence...both on my personal monitoring reports  and those performed through physician orders...I lack a sense of external validation. My circumstances of the last ten years tend to hint at the fact that I am not only not validated but I am being punished for seeking help. (This part may very well be False Evidence Appearing Real).

 More concern was always shown for the tachycardia.   I also go to the opposite end of the spectrum ( not so much now because I am being treated for coronary vasospasm with a calcium channel blocker that incidentally keeps the tachy and palpitations at a minimum...and no ...anything that vsaodilates does not lower my BP like it would in most...it actually stabilizes it or increases it...so the medication  I have been on for years is not responsible for my recent bradycardia and hypotension. ) There were many times, for no explicable reason, my pulse would shoot up past the 200 mark and man would those palpitation be wicked.  (And yes I have lots of evidence of that as well). 

What I thought was "real evidence", often just got passed off by too many  specialists  as, "probably only happening when you sleep...no big deal". ...or..."as long as there is no symptoms with the bradycardia, there is no need to worry. " (Ummm...I have been brought by ambulance to the emergency room more than once for doing nose plants and I have been complaining about overwhelming fatigue, palpitations, dizziness and chest pain for over 20 years...is this not enough  symptoms???)   or my favorite , "this bradycardia, atrial fib and flutter that is showing up on these medical recordings...is not bradycardia, atrial fib or flutter...there is nothing wrong with your heart."

Figure that one out!

I stopped trying to get validation for this very obvious heart thing  a long time ago.  My motivation, in the beginning, was not only to get relief for myself but to help out my family members.  I always knew this was  a familial thing...so I pushed to get a diagnosis in the beginning to prevent someone else from dying like my sister did.  Once other siblings started having their MI's (heart attacks)  in their fifties or were  being diagnosed and treated for their atrial fib, flutter and V tach...I backed off.  My getting a diagnosis did not seem that urgent anymore. The familial tendency was finally out in the open. My loved ones were being taken seriously.

What is my point?

We need to validate our own experience by living it!

The lesson I need to learn here is: Living on outer world evidence , be it real or unreal, leads to fear. Fear is a doorway into letting go of our need for outer world validation and accepting the truth of who we are.


My situation seemed to be one of Real Evidence Appearing False, rather than False Evidence Appearing Real. Not having what I thought was real evidence validated as such lead me to mistrust a system, mistrust myself and mistrust life.  A lack of trust is a great cause of fear. I feared.

The Less than Brave Way to Live

My rational mind says...This is not False Evidence...it is very real ...It is Very Real...In order to survive with this under validated condition, however, because the  evidence appeared false to so many...I began to believe it was too.  It was easier to do it that way than to constantly push and struggle against other opinion and assumption about me.

As a result, I began to focus less and less on the evidence.  I stopped collecting it and trying to prove to others and myself it was "real".  Up until a few days ago, I seldom took my BP and Pulse...it was only because I was getting so symptomatic and I knew the stress was having an effect on me that I began to monitor it again. I don't talk about these symptoms or these findings with  anyone but D. because he sees the obvious changes in me.  (Other than blasting it publicly all over the page here lol I don't try to prove my situation is real)

For the most part, I deny the reality of my situation. I  push past the symptoms.  Even when I got a bad bout of chest pain during my yoga class yesterday, I kept going. I will take  nitro...I am not stupid...I know I need to but I will do so almost shamefully...ducking down and holding the bottle behind my hand so no one sees me doing so.

The Lessons will Keep coming Until We Face Our FEAR

I don't recommend avoiding evidence this for anyone...if you have real evidence make sure it gets validated by others whom you may need support from.  I only withdraw from evidence collection and sharing   in my case because I am too shamed and traumatized by my experience to do otherwise (that has a lot to do with my pre-established beliefs about seeking health validation in the first place). And because of that I am often confused about what is real and unreal.  I carry that mistrust into this new health issue I am dealing with.  I do not trust and assume that others will view real evidence as false. Until I become the validated and validator  of my own evidence I will continue to face similar health seeking experiences.

It is so funny how we keep generating these learning experiences again and again until we learn.  New  health seeking experiences have come into my life but it is the same lesson just in a different classroom with the same  teachers wearing different pants.

I only bring this up because my fear based on body thoughts  is in the way of my going forward as a teacher or as a learner, like I so want to do.  Sigh...so I share my fear...in hope that I can move on past it.

The next time I write it will be from a better place...and I will be able to share my learning.

All is well.

F.E.A.R.

All aspects of fear are untrue because they do not exist at the creative level, and therefore do not exist at all.
-ACIM : Chapter 1:VI:5:1

FEAR: False Evidence Appearing Real

Hmmm!  I really do not know who created this acronym for fear.  I have heard Wayne Dyer use it so many times I cannot cite it here but it is a definition of fear that makes sense to me.

False Evidence Appearing Real: As much as that sounds like an oxymoron...it does make sense.  It is just saying that what seems to be so real...as evidence to our minds' based on information provided by the five senses is false.  It isn't real. What we think is real isn't. It is an illusion, a distorted perception. 

In other words, what we seem to be afraid of is only an illusion.. We have somehow created this image of the world and it scares us because it seems so real and we have somehow come to believe it is. The fear becomes an overpowering entity.

You can never control the effects of fear yourself, because you made fear and you believe in what you made.
Chapter 1: VI: 4: 2

So let's look at the situation I am dealing with to better understand fear.  A bodily change has showed up in my life.  This body change is not false evidence...I feel the physical pain and the mass.  Other people, who try to, can feel it too.  It is there.

It in itself is just a bodily change, neither good or bad, right or wrong...it just is what it is.

The false evidence comes in when I think about this mass...I build story around it. I focus on what it could be. I selectively collect and cling to all pieces of information that supports my story. I gather socially and culturally enforced beliefs. I dig into history related to such changes.  I soak up the story of "cancer" that is all around me.  I begin to believe in this evidence even though the only real evidence is a  change in the body. I build it all up so this "just a bodily change" becomes a potential life threatening disease. I created a scary story around the bodily change and I begin to worry.  (Worry is just one of the many faces of fear). I have fear...F.E.A.R.

It is all just false evidence appearing real...it is just a story in my head.

So even if I were to have a diagnosis of cancer...it is still just a story  I would use it to label, explain and narrate myself through an experience of having a bodily change.  In reality it is nothing more than a few mutating and extra cells...that is all.  The fear...comes from believing in that story I created...the false evidence...not from the bodily change itself.

Get that?

The presence of fear shows that you have raised body thoughts to the level of the mind.
ACIM: Chapter 2: VI:1:6

Fear is a belief in something that isn't true...a belief in a story that we created in our minds.  It is false evidence that isn't real even though it appears to be.

There is a way to sort out the false evidence from the real:

Perfect love casts out fear.

If fear exists;

Then there is not perfect love.

 

But:

 

Only perfect love exists.

If there is fear,

It produces a state that does not exist.

 

ACIM: Chapter 1: VI: 5:3

 

 

All is well! 

 

ACIM ( 2007) A Course in Miracles: Combined Volume. Foundations for Inner Peace.