Choosing the Voice that Says "Write!"

 I write only because there is a voice within me that will not be stilled.

Sylvia Plath

I tend to write and create things. Then, when I am staring down at what I created,  I will ask the quetsion, "Hmm! Now what am I suppose to do with this?" I guess, I have a tendency to want to still the voice within me more than anything else.  

That being said I do check after I write to see if what I wrote has meaning for others. I check to see, for example, how many people read this blog. I noticed, for the longest time, that the daily numbers on the blog stats page are really high. Recently, however, I noticed that the numbers on Google Analytics are high too. There are a lot more engaged sessions showing up on Google Analytics than there ever was.  Though, engaged time on each entry  from many of the areas  is not very high...it is high enough in some areas to make me question if this is actually getting out there. I begin to think ...maybe this learning is getting through to a couple more people...maybe it makes sense to another one or two people on this planet. Does that mean I am finally fulfilling this blog's purpose of reaching one or two people other than myself? 

I did not have high expectations of being read when I began lol. It is like "Oh Wow!...An 'added on' !" 

I do not have high expectations of "external" reward now.  I am seriously just doing what I feel so compelled to do with every entry, with every less than perfect video.  I listen to the inner compulsion and I write. If I don't, the voice will not be still. 

There is a bit of a tug- of -war going on in my psyche as I reflect on possible outcomes for what I do here. Part of me thinks "Cool...Life is taking care of this." The other part of me is not so sure. Ego is still around with it red-face, cringing in the background, wringing its hands, "Oh No!  How is that woman going to embarass us now? People could actually be reading this.  Doesn't she know she has to be careful about what she says?  What will these people think of us?" 

I have two voices within me, when it comes to this blog.  One says "Write!"; the others says "Don't expose yourself!"  Sigh!It takes a lot to quiet this ego which has manged my life for so long ...to tell it to shut up so I can hear the other voice. I feel this nudge to trust the voice inside me that says "Write!" instead of ego's. This voice that compells me here every day still meets a lot of resistance but it is louder than ego's voice now, more persistent.  It will not be silenced or stilled any longer. I am able to ignore ego's neurotic resistance somehow but I cannot ignore the voice telling me to write. Sigh! I continue to step up to the plate and do my best. 

I have been writing over ego's fear based warnings here since 2011?  (Before that if you count the time I used this platform as a private blog.) Crazy! That is close to 15 years...almost every morning ...becoming a ritual in my daily life. Never knowing why exactly. Never attached to any particular outcome. Just sitting down and sharing what I have been learning despite ego's protests. And the videos ...they put me even more out there. I guess it isn't "me" that I am putting out there. "Me" does not want to be anywhere near the potential less than favorable opinion it may receive from others for doing what I do and for doing it so imperfectly. So, it isn't this human I call "me" I am attempting to put out there but this learning I am gaining for some inexplicable reason that I know I am supposed to share.

It's all a little crazy.

Anyway...thanks to all readers! I appreciate you!

All is well.