If the book is true, it will find an audience that is meant to read it.
Wally Lamb
I just finished a five day stent of work, revisiting the work and the students I dealt with last year. It was lovely! Physically exhausting...I have not worked full days, let alone so many in a row, for eons...and my heart, I have been noticing, is just a bit more off than it was last year. So...yeah it was a challenge but a challenge I embraced.
When I left last year, I was contemplating whether or not this human I call "me" made a difference in the learning or in the lives of these newcomer students. When I received the many hugs I received on my return, I thought , maybe I did, just a bit anyway. Maybe this need to serve and make a difference was met to some degree at least. I question, however, if ego was stepping in the way of true service.
Ego, Service, and the Written Book
The same with the books I have written. Copies of the book I wrote for newcomer parents are boxed and collecting dust. I sent copies to where I thought it might be needed, gave a copy to the people I mentioned in the dedication, and I did tutorials and read alongs on a youtube channel...I did all that type of work ( it was a lot)...but I did not promote the book. Why?
Detached from Outcome?
From the beginning, I did my best to detach myself from outcome. I spent a great deal of human effort, time, and money from this book's inception to its conception. I truly enjoyed doing that! I really did enjoy the process. I knew the process was intended for others, more so than "me" but I did not get it out there. When I first came up with this idea, I said, if it becomes something people want and can use...wonderful; if it doesn't, at least I will enjoy the process of creating. And I did. I truly enjoyed the process...all of it. It filled me with a meaningful and purposeful distraction and direction. Selfishly, it also helped "me" to learn what I felt I needed to learn to do my job.
I suppose though that getting what we finished out there so it can be seen, heard, or in this case used...is also part of the process of creating. Maybe, promoting this book was part of that? I did not do much in that area. I have never felt comfortable promoting myself and my so called creations. Maybe, I would have promoted it more, but Ego had stepped in, as it sometimes does, to chatise me and shame me, "Who do you think you are writing a book for people who probably don't want it or need it? Who are you to hand it out to people who likley want nothing to do with it? Being a bit cocky, aren't you?"
I listened and stepped back, more than a bit embarrassed that I gave a copy to anyone. Sigh! I put the books in a box, walked away, and it all kind of fell into obscurity...which is okay. I truly wasn't that attached to outcome. Yet, something now tells me that I didn't do enough. This process was never about "me" but about serving those who needed, or at least could benefit from, what I have to offer. The book has to be placed in an area where it can be see, and used. I might take a copy to the public library. If one person gets something from it...it is all good. Sigh!
And with the "You Can Write" series I started and did so much work on: When I brought the books to school, I found myself so hesitant to hand them out...to bring them to the library like I originally planned to do...I questioned the cover, found other tiny little proofing errors in the text that I dwelled on etc. It was like, "Oh My God, What am I doing? Who do I think I am?" Instead of being proud of what I created, like I seemed to be the day before, I was once again embarrassed and ashamed.
Who Am I to Assume I Have Something Valuable to Offer?
No one asked me for either type of book. I just "assumed" a need from my observations and set out to fill that need in a way that served "me", the human who loves to write and teach, as well as any human who might benefit from it. Who am I to assume such a thing? Who am I to think I am the one to fill such a need?
At the same time I question this, I love the process of writing and creating. These books came so easy to me! There was absolutely no citation required because it was all "common knowledge" gained from my years of writing and teaching writing. It was easy and fun. I also got to include my daughter's illustrations with the hope that it would show her her potential. Writing these books was a wonderful experience...in itself.
Heaven in the Process
I do love the process of writing! That is until it comes to the submitting, or promoting stage. Yuck! That is when Shamer Ego rears its ugly head and attempts to gut punch any pride or fulfillment in the accomplishment out of me. Other than my spiritual motivation not to get attached to outcome, I also have this shame thing keeping me from attaching. Sigh!
So, anyway...I decided in one breath that I would give the copies I have to the students only....if they wanted them. They wanted them. And I told myself, I did what I intended to do...I helped a few students with their writing and I completed my part in the cycle. All good. When I hand out copies of my books...I never ask for feedback, nor do I intend feedback. I hand out copies to complete my part of the writer, reader cycle. That's all. Few people understand that. My ego doesn't always understand that lol. If I get feedback...be it positive or negative...it is just ego that gets stroked or deflated...not who I am.
The Added-On
Not attached to outcome, not expecting anything in return I went about my work. Then, one of my old students who I gave a copy to...approached me yesterday and gave me a big hug. "I really like your book," he said with the biggest smile on his face. "And my Mom really liked it too!" I just teared up knowing I just received an added-on. The writing and the desire to serve in some way was the "Heaven" part of the process, and the positive feedback was simply an "added-on". Who I am at the deepest level...that part that writes to write; that teaches to teach; that truly wants to serve ...didn't need that feedback. It was just a very nice added-on.
Shame had no idea how to respond to that realization...so it shrivelled and shrunk away.
All is well.
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