At the Intersection.

 Pain is a pesky part of being human...But then I have also learned that because of pain I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing.

C. JoyBell C

I am at a junction in my journey that leaves me standing in a strange place shaking my head...making others shake their heads as well. As I fall back a bit more each day into being Self...I realize I am less and less my 'self'. I am slipping out of  this tight, little, neatly-contained package that took so much of my energy and time to create and maintain over the decades ( the person I and others thought I was). It is confusing for me.  I can only imagine what it is like for other people to be around me now.

It is like I am standing at an intersection. I see that I can go straight ahead, and that will take me to Self...to a lot of stuff people are not comfortable considering; that I am not yet comfortable considering fully because it goes beyond what is known. Or I can turn right or left which will simply loop me back around to where I am .  Most people I know, I have the sense, are expecting me to do the loop as is considered normal for what is deemed as "humans having an odd spiritual experience".  There is a silent voice I am hearing from others, but mostly from myself, that says "Okay you had your spiritual experience, you tested the bounds of  normalcy. Now come back around to where we are etc. It is getting uncomfortable watching you along those fringes of 'woo-woo'.  You are going to go too far and you will just be 'crazy'. That, of course, will mean we will have to ostracize you from the pack. "  

I don't want to loop around.  I am so very sick  of doing that same tired route of repeated patterns that gets this human I call me nowhere but dizzy from going around in circles. This-that-is-within-me-that-I-do-not-quite-understand-enough- but-know-I-would-understand-better-if-I-just-keep-going-forward, however, is telling me that forward is the only true way to go. It tells me, in the most convincing of voices that opens something up within me that so wants to believe it, that I am not a human having a spiritual experience. I am a spirit having a human experience. 

It makes so much more sense to keep going forward but I feel the pull to repeat the loops. Pulled in both directions so I am still stuck at this intersection shaking my head.

Even though I am stuck at the intersection right now, I have already gone far enough to make others a bit uncomfortable, I am sure, and to make me uncomfortable around others. I have this desire to withdraw from society more and more for my benefit as well as theirs. This social anxiety I have always had and denied or covered up is intensifying.  I see me in social situations acting in two certain ways: 

I am either talking too fast or too loudly when I believe I have people's attention, embellishing my story- telling to create images that make "me" enough, always trying to have a new accomplishment to share that will somehow "redeem" me, make me appear 'special' in some way, and prevent others from seeing where I really am at. If that doesn't do it for this "me," I will seek a big life challenge that I am dealing with and causally  mention it so I can appear like a heroic martyr to life circumstance, or at least have an excuse for being such a mess. (Luckily, I have a lot of crazy challenges in that treasure chest to share). 

Or, 

If I do not get the attention my broken little ego wants, I drop my eyes and withdraw back into the shadows of social interaction.  I become the "listener".  This is how I interact a lot with others when I a sense I have to be very careful around them.

At this intersection I see so clearly how this "human I call me" behaves in social situations and in life.  Everything is meshing together into this human "mess" it seems. Because I am still at the intersection between ego-looping and soul-progression, I feel myself both very embarrassed for this human and very sad as I watch.  When I ask why am I here,  I hear two different answers.  

The road behind me tells me my embarassment and social anxiety stems from being a fear and shamed based person as a result of past trauma. That seems like a "normal" answer that my remaining ego can agree with; what others behind me can agree with it.  I feel this urge to go back there and explore those memories so I can cope better with it on a psychological level. That, I know, would be an acceptable approach.  I would not be ostracized for that. 

The road in front of me tells me that I appear to be such a "human mess" because the ego is dissolving and it is a confusing and painful process. It tells me I do not have to keep looping around. In fact, the right or left option will never take me to where I need to be. It will confuse me more. I can, instead, go forward into a new Life. Being able to observe ego objectively in action is the first step to healing. Witnessing the ego mind shaming and redeeming itself is opening me up to what "I am" not. It is showing me that I am not that which I am watching. I cannot be the Seer and the seen at the same time. An eye cannot see itself when there is no reflective glass around. If I walk forward I will be able to shed the ego all together and experience what Life could truly be like when "I am" my Self. If I go this route, however, I will leave everything behind me that does not serve the Self.  (That is very scary to consider at this intersection). I will also heal in the truest of ways but I will be deemed crazy and likely ostracized. Especially by my siblings and friends. Sigh!

The Choice Deception.

Being in this intersection is very uncomfortable as it is to be between two choices. I suddenly realize I stepped over some imaginary line. If I look down the left road from this spot and if I look down the right road...I will see barricades up. Won't I? Those roads are blocked.  Aren't they? If I look behind me, I will see barricades there, as well. There really is no going backwards.  There really is no going back when you get this far.  The real choice I need to make now  is to either stay in the intersection or move forward. 

Being at this intersection, this feeling of being "stuck" in limbo is painful.  Going back or looping around will not take this human to healing. There is only one true way to heal. I need to take the road ahead. I need to lift my foot and take a step forward

All is well.