Thinking will not overcome fear, but action will.
Napoleon Hill
The way out of shame is to own it, and go on being your best, showing up rather than hiding because of it.
Lanre Dehunsi
Sometimes it is good to see how samskara triggers work in others. I have a samskara being activated now and I am challenged by it.
Sigh! I need to face a shame/fear inducing thing and am working up the courage to do so. I know the sooner I do it the better, not only for health reasons, but for my peace of mind. This is taking up so much of my time and energy. The idea that I have to do something for my mouth infection has been filling my mental space nonstop over the last 24 hours. I know I have to do something... soon. I have no feeling in the tooth...thank God...assume the nerve is dead but the gums and palate are red and swollen and I am having pain in cheek, jaw, and ear now. I can only open up one side of my mouth half way and I cannot smile without pain. Sigh! Of course, a tooth abcess is not going to go away on its own. I know that but somehow I was hoping it would. I had hope that others knew more than me and they had my best interest at heart...that allowing a dental abcess percolate for five months was okay. Once I accept that truth that isn't the case, that I need help for the body, the mind goes crazy. "It's up to you to do something and you better do it soon!"
I was challenged to settle peacefully into the here and now since this realization and I know I won't settle until something gets done.
Shame and fear have come to the surface big time! I want to avoid but I made myself call the dental office today. I explained everything to the receptionist ...from the trips back and forth since April, the mistake in assuming it was my wisdom teeth and my getting them removed unnecesarily, the oral surgeon's discovery of an abcess and his instructions to have that tooth dealt with within a two week period...the fact that a need for a root canal was discovered to be the problem all along and that I now have to wait until September to have one. I explained that I could barely open my mouth now. I pretty well pleaded to get in to see someone else rather than have to go into emergency but was calmly told "there is no openings for weeks or possibly months". More or less, a big, "Suck it up, buttercup!" So, ...that just got this shame and fear thing percolating even faster.
I want to handle this calmly with clear mind. I do not want it "disturbing" my peace. I want peace and clarity guiding wise, inspired action. Instead, I feel temporarly stuck in non-action. Thinking about it must be easier than doing it? I am constantly getting lost in past story and future worry about this situation. I catch myself and try to relax enough to bring myself back into the moment but it seems like too much. This samskara being triggered is a big shame and fear one built on my experiences over the years accessing the health care system for help with my heart condition, my pelvic condition, my intestinal condition and other things. Regardless of how or why, regardless if others were shaming me or not (some were, for sure) ...I perceived it all as very, very shaming. I developed an intense fear of more shaming. I developed an intense fear of accessing health care. It is like a big heavy boulder in my gut being triggered by the mere thought of "going back in there to fight for help for this body."
I tried to sit with the shame a couple of times. I allowed it to come up and be what it was. I spoke to it. I was compassionate toward it. I even felt like I was "dealing with it" but as soon as I think, "I have to get help." I am pulled right back down in the muck and mire of little self. Off the mind goes on another tangent. I get lost in the tangent and forget my Self...then I catch my Self pulled down and lost...I then pull Self away from this mental drama and this intense emotional reaction. I realize I am just triggering samskaras...past is past. Its done and gone but man does it feel so real like it is happening now!! Then before I know it...I am pulled in and down again. It is so cra-cra to watch, let alone experience.
The thing is...I am not overly worried about this body anymore. I am so appreciative of it and all that it does for me. I want to honor it and treat it well. I have no grand plans of leaving it any time soon. But I am not worried or afraid of any potential outcomes from this infection. I am not afraid of pain. I am not afraid of illness. I am not afraid of death even. I just have a very rational thought, " You have a tooth abcess that was likely there before April. That is too long of a time span! You know the infection from a tooth abcess, if untreated can spread. It does not go away on its own. Waiting longer, until September, for a root canal to have the infection treated is likely not a wise thing to do. You know that something has to be done about it 'sooner rather than later' (as one of the dental hygienists shared on you last visit). Your body. Your responsibility."
This discomfort will not go away until long after I do something. Doing something for this shame based human that has the potential of triggering more shame is such a terryfying thing. Others would think me completely ridiculous I am sure. When I made the call this morning...it took a lot of self talk to work up the courage to do it (almost like I knew what the result would be). An hour later I felt a certain peace and relief for doing something even if it did not turn out the way I had hoped. That lasted for an hour tops lol.
This is not going to go away until I go into emergency and explain my situation. I keep imagining how no one will have the time to listen or care...that they will likely refer me back to where I was. I fear that so many past experiences will repeat themselves...that nothing will get done to help and on top of that I will be shamed for coming in to a place meant for "real" emergencies. My mind spins off into the maybes. Maybe, I don't need to go in? Maybe I don't need help? Maybe it is perfectly okay to wait until September? I truly don't know, do I? Do I really have to put myself through all this crap? Is it worth a 4 to 20 hour wait in an emergency waiting room?
This mind spinning stuff is not going to stop until I do something and that, more than anything else, is why I have to go in. Truth is I do not know what the right thing to do here is. I do not know what will happen. I can not predict what will happen. Mind likes to predict but it can't. Regardless of what happens I just have my truth to share. Fear and shame may be doing their thing. That is okay. Just fear. Just shame. I cannot ask them to stop. I can only do my best to accept that they are there...allow them to be...and continue on despite them.
I will let you know how it turns out.
All is well.
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