Apparent Chaos

 

Growth comes from chaos, not order.

Rakesh Jhunjhunwala

I, as this human I call me, live and move in a state of apparent chaos. I have all my life.  I can see that chaotic energy pattern so clearly lately and I realize that  if I am seeing it, others are seeing it. And those who are less than aware are likely judging it as a "negative thing" and this human as "weird, crazy, a failure etc" .  I am fully aware of that judgement as well...on an intuitive and energetic level.  More importantly, I am aware of how I judged and still continue to judge this energy pattern as something that is bad, wrong, or shouldn't be. Why? Because it doesn't fit the ego's definition of normal and validation worthy.

How did and does this energetic pattern impact your life, crazy lady? 

I lived a life of chaos in the form of both external and internal struggle and challenge. It wore me down. :)

I stood on a bleacher platform the evening before last watching my son graduate from adult learning.  My grandchildren were running around me, the people in the audience were looking up at us because of the noise they were making...my ex husband was sitting on one side, D. was on the other.  I was a mixture of stress, anxiety, and exhaustion after trying to control the little ones and keep them safe....and I had the usual feeling I get in crowds...discombobulation...I felt that chaotic energy and I just wanted to escape this moment or get it over with. 

But there I was watching my son in gown receive his diploma...something I have been praying for for ten years... and I felt such a rush of emotion...pride and relief...and happiness for sure...but also a question, "What did I do or didn't do that led to this pain inducing ten year delay?" 

I imagined the people I knew in the audience asking the same thing. I started to shame and beat myself up a bit...but suddenly my life flashed before my eyes and I witnessed "me" as this human in a drama called "chaos". 

I watched this human I call 'me' proceed through 6 decades of life. I could see how chaotic the external circumstances I was born into were.  I could see how the hyper sensitive energy body I was born into  added to the chaos.  I could see the physical, mental and emotional challenges this human endured and overcame. I suddenly had the greatest empathy and compassion for this being  as I watched in my mind's eye all the things she had to endure...all the chaos she had to move through. Despite everything she kept moving; she kept giving; she kept loving. Sure, she may appear to be a mess on the outside and she is...at the physical, energetic, social, and mental level...but this human really is something else. She loved and transcended through so much! She deserves much more than the judgment and assumptions she may be getting from others because of what appears. She may never receive it.  That's okay too. The world doesn't need to know her story...others can believe what they want about this human.  She knows...she knows what it was like to walk through such challenge and chaos.....to experience life through these eyes.  Maybe, as others purport, I even asked for all this chaos before I came down into earthly form because I knew at the deepest level ... the perfect value of it? Who knows? 

My son has learned and grown through his challenges and he set himself on the path again. I see, too how I have learned and grown along with him. In a way, it is me up there holding that diploma too. I cannot help but to love him and that which made him who he is.  I cannot help but to love this human I am and the experience of life she offered me.  Yes, so much hardship and challenge and chaos...but finally...there is also so much learning, so much growth.

All is well.