Independent of the Good Opinion of Others?

Be independent of the good opinion of other people. 

Abraham Maslow

Do you need external validation for the things you do?

I believe most of us in human form seek that, don't we?  It has something to do with how we are wired to survive as we tramp around the planet in these space suits.  We, as social animals with an innate sense of 'inter-being' that we cannot even understand, need to belong, need to contribute, need to be of value to the groups we belong to for safety and security reasons as much as emotional.

I like to think of myself, especially as I evolve, internally validated with the things I do, and free from the need for the good opinion of others. I like to think of myself that way, but I am reminded again and again that I am just as much externally validated as I am internally validated. I still seek, much to my spiritual ego's embarrassment, some form of validation for the things I do. I still look to others, to life circumstance, and to the Universe to tell me or show me that what I give to the world is beneficial or worthy, or, at the very least, "enough". 

For example, I still check the stats pages everyday. I receive little to no feedback about my blog here other than stats telling me if what I wrote was read.  Though the stats page numbers are high, Google shows me that only a few people are reading it and I sigh in relief.  I feel somewhat validated, even when I am not sure if it is being read by a human or a bot, to see the possibility of legitimate readership. Where some are dependent on readership in the thousands or even millions range...I feel uplifted with what might be 2-10 legitimate readers a day.  When I see an increase in numbers, I feel a rise in energy because I sense external validation...when I see a decrease, I feel that "fatal resignation" I so mix up with acceptance creeping in.

I still also check the videos I put up to see how many viewers and subscribers I have. My far-off goal/dream, unlike other vloggers, was never 500,000, or 5000, or even 500 subscribers. It was 50.  And I now have 50. There was a lecture hall where I worked as a nursing educator for many yearsth, that I loved to lecture in.  It was small (small college) and it only sat 50 but there was something about standing in that lecture hall, doing what I considered was my best stuff, serving in a truly meaningful way, that always fired me up. Much to my surprise and amazement, I received so much positive external validation in my role as an educator. It fed me. To be able to hold the attention of 50 people at one time and explain complicated stuff in a way they could understand also validated me externally and internally.  For some reason, having 50 subscribers reminds me of standing in that lecture hall reaching others in that fired up way I did then.  It reminds me of how much I love to teach. So having 50 subscribers is like having the universe tell me that I am being validated for what I love to do. It is a sweet external validation.

I, like most unknown writers in the world, do not receive a heap of external validation for my writing but I still have a writer's ego that wants it.  I want someone out there to say, "Yeah! You can write. Keep doing it!" Even when I write books for the pure intention to serve, as I did with the Learning English book, I find myself secretly looking over to see if what I wrote was okay.  For months and months, I didn't get any of that...none. I put it out there. Nothing.  I even gave it to friends who helped in some small way with the learning I shared in the book, and they openly admitted they never opened the cover.  I offered it where I thought it was needed and instead of receiving even an acknowledgement that it was received...nothing. Instead of feeling good about my sincere desire to help, I began to feel that I did something "wrong".  I became very embarrassed, even ashamed, about my creation or at least my putting it out there. Then one day, I received an email from a newcomer who I was sending unpublished chapters to in hope it would help. She expressed her appreciation and explained how much it helped her.  I felt uplifted for a few weeks before that fizzled out. Then another friend expressed her appreciation for the book, and I felt that unquenched need for validation being soothed a bit more.  Next, a young student who saw a copy on my desk wanted to save her allowance to buy one...I gave her a proof copy and she literally carries it around with her. And someone reached out to me this week, after months of hearing nothing, to give me positive feedback on the book I sent, stating that it would be a beneficial resource. I felt that thirst even more soothed.  I also have a few buyers and four subscribers on my You Tube channel related to the book. I even receive little hearts as comments from one of the subscribers. That feedback might not seem like much to some, but it was all the external validation I needed.  But sigh...the fact remains, I still needed it. 

Why? I thought I was more evolved than that.

I can set out to do something for the purest of reasons: to experience the joy of the creative process, to honor wholesome internal compulsions, and to help and serve without, it seems, any attachment to outcome. That is a genuine and often actualized motivation in this human I call "me" whenever I take on a project or pursue an action. I have little expectations of how what I do when I begin, will be received by others or how it will impact the world. I have little to no expectations or attachment to what I, as this "little me", will get from it. "As long as it is wholesome", I tell myself. "It doesn't matter. It is just an honest and sincere expression and use of whatever gifts, talents, or skills I have been given in order to serve the human group and the entire world". 

Yet, that pure motivation often gets disrupted, by not only the innate need we all have for love and belonging, but by my own internal scarring. I realize sometimes that this pure and wholesome internal validation, this desire to express, to serve, and this "nonattachment to outcome" is contaminated by a not so wholesome messaging from the battling duo: Shamer and Redeemer Ego. A core belief is still oozing through the trap door of my subconscious that whispers as it slithers into my day-to-day life, "Remember you are just doing your penance here. You must serve, sacrifice, and give more than anyone else. Don't dare expect forgiveness, let alone any positive rewards for what you do.  Do not expect others to notice anything but a sinner pathetically trying to redeem themselves. Don't expect Life to be kinder to you because you do a few selfless acts. Expect ridicule or disdain for your pitiful offerings. You should be embarrassed about what you give and offer the world...not redeemed."  

And Redeemer will chirp in and say..."No! Keep going!  You can get recognition and reward for what you do with your gifts to prove to the world and yourself that you do deserve to be here. Do more and keep doing it better. Then keep watching for that external validation from the universe. You need it. It will save you from your shame. It will save you from who you are." 

This battle goes on in my psyche despite the sincereness of my motivations. The duo wrestle, stumble, roll around over the pureness of my intentions, knocking things down, destroying what is good and decent as they battle each other, drowning out my true internally validated nature, my sincere desire to serve.  They make a mess of this life! Sigh.

Pretty sad and pathetic, crazy lady! Why would you share that?

Yes, it is sad and pathetic,  and I share it because I am strongly convinced that I am not the only one whose life experiences and intentions to serve at the highest level are being thwarted by such core beliefs.  I bet, if you are truly, truly honest with yourself and are willing to look deep inside those trap doors of your own psyche, you will find some of that same messaging. You will discover these twins battling it out...at least to some degree. 

Many, many of us are living 'unfilled' lives despite our pure intentions to evolve because we are ignorantly being dominated by the core beliefs stored inside us. We can't see, beyond these dark veils of conditioning, that the universe has our back.  We can't hear that it is constantly saying "Good job! You are on the right track!" when we attempt to serve with the purest of vibrations.  We are stuck in certain stages of our development and are unable to expand consciously because we have this big fur ball of belief of our 'undeservedness' caught in our sushumna. The energy is not flowing beyond the low frequency level we seem to be trapped in. We do not operate in the belief or knowing of our potential....so we may not tend to get from the universe that which may help us to live more fulfilling lives. We may not receive enough validation for our greatness.  

Often our goals and dreams feel bigger than we are. We want them but almost instantaneously think, "Who am I to think I can have that?" and "How can I possibly achieve that?" But if we don't believe something-if we don't own it-means we are not tapped into the energy of it or that its energy is not really alive inside us. And as we know, if it's not there,in our core, and in our energy field, either it won't happen at all, or it won't last. Dr. sue Morter, page 254

I know my open expression of what I see inside me is off putting to some. Believe me. it is much worse when we are not even aware that these damaging core beliefs are there. At least, when we are aware of what is hidden in the trap door of our psyches...we are not taken by surprise when Life doesn't seem to be recognizing our gifts or rewarding us for them; when Life doesn't seem to be giving us what others are getting for theirs. We are less likely to see a lack of external validation and reward as a form of deserved punishment. We are less likely to see the messages from these twins as being the truth; less likely to believe that there is something wrong with our gifts, that we are meant to sacrifice in obscurity, that we are not worthy of either internal or external validation. The more we are aware of our core beliefs, the more we are able to release the hold they have on us, and the less dependent we become on external validation. Our inspiration will become pure again, free of ego contamination when we begin an 'extraordinary project'.  

When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a far greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be. Patanjali

I do want to be free of my need for external validation.  I want to be free of my battling ego twins.  I want to be free of those core beliefs that hold my energy down and therefore my life back. I want to expand consciousness, transcend limitations and find myself in a new, great, and wonderful world. I want all my talents and sleeping faculties to come to life as I remember Who I am...a person far greater than I ever dreamed myself to be.  I want the same for you. I want the same for all...that is why I share the mess in my own mind so openly. 

All is well!