Not What People Here Adore

 One of the gifts of being a writer is that it gives you the excuse  to do things, to go places and explore. Another is that writing motivates you to look closely at Life, life as it lurches by and tramps around. 

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I recently answered questions about any unmanifetsed desires I might have about being a social influencer or wanting to make money for the videos I put up on the youtube channel I created: Waking Up with Mindful Serenity Yoga. I have what others would consider to be a less than average presence in the youtube world.  I wanted to stress in my reply that I was perfectly okay with that! 

I want to make it known that I am okay with the semi-obscure reception of this blog as well. I also am not actively promoting this blog. Though it is in public domain...I keep it pretty quiet. I don't tell a lot of people about it for many reasons. Firstly, the topic matter is somewhat "personal" (though I am aware of the limiting nature of "personal"...I realize that others might find what I do here "too personal" and that it may reflect on any social or professional  role I may be presently active in. I don't like to cross over from professional to personal). 

Secondly, what I write about is also contraversial.  I discuss philosophical, psychological, scientific and religious notions  that others might find, "woo-woo, silly, ridiculous or even "blasphemous." I don't actively seek contraversy, just truth. 

Thirdly, I am also, by some form of conditioned nature, "shy".  I don't like to stand out. I find it much more comfortable to stay in the background, blending in with the walls.  I often speak of the ego twins I noticed active within me: "Shamer" and "Redeemer". "Shamer is still there reminding me to stay in the background.  It also reminds me  that "Redeemer's" reflex and compensatory tendency to stand out and be seen in a positive light...will likely not be received positively through this method.  lol.  So, I am not seeking to be seen and known here.  Such a possibility makes me more uncomfortable then it does comfortable. 

So, why the heck am I even doing this? 

My first honest answer to that question is "I don't know?"  This compulsion I have to come here is bigger than either the "Shamer" or the "Redeemer" parts of  this "me".  As a writer (which is just a part of my true nature) I have this internal compulsion to write...to express whatever this is inside me that cries to be expressed. This that comes out is a very honest and "real" expression of my experience of Life.  When I don't express...I feel inauthentic and somehow depleted. I need to honor this feeling and this page gives me the opportunity to do that. This truth that is emerging inside me is also all consuming and I feel pulled to share it with whomever might want to hear it. (My compulsion to come here is beyond this little "me" who would rather stay in the shadows.) 

That is it too...I put this out there without any expectations or demands.  I am not attached to any outcomes.  I do not actively seek readers but I welcome any that I get.  I definitely do not seek notoriety, fame, or riches from this lol. For the most part, ego is way in the background of this one. The more I write here...the more I reflect on my learning...and the less and less ego becomes a major player in this life.  Heck...the more I write, the more I realize this isn't my life at all lol.

This page, I guess, is just a canvas for me to paint on.  I write/create because that is what I feel compelled to do.  I am not even sure what I will create when I come here each day...I just throw the paint on and wait to see what happens. Not everyone is going to appreciate what is created.  They don't have to. But I cannot stop doing what I feel compelled to do just because others may not like it or never get to see it, can I? Art is all about the process, not the outcome.

Anyway, thought I would share that. And thank you for anyone who reads this and appreciates it. I am truly grateful that you are receiving the gift I share here.

I guess I am not what people here adore. and that is perfectly okay with me.

All is well!