A Hard Look at the Veil

 Lamp

 

Hold your lamp up high.

Let the small flame flicker

and glow as you swing

it back and forth

with every step you take.

Know that it can be seen

through the thick fog

and through the darkness

that surrounds this world at times.

 

Feed the flame with your sweet breath.

Let it grow and expand

as the borders of its golden light

extend in tiny arms of compassion,

reaching  out to the others

stumbling along their paths.

 

Fan it with your talk of dreams

and your laughter

and your love

as it ripples through the thirsty world

quenching an emptiness

and the never ending  need for more.

 

Watch as the embers dance and giggle

beneath the conduction of your joy.

There is nothing to fear.

Do not cup your hand over it

to defend it from others

who might want to blow it out.

 

Do not dim it

with the intention of

conserving it for darker times.

Let it shine as bright as it can,

now.

Let it grow

until the flames lick the stars

and until the healing light

that comes from you

pours over the world like

a glorious sunrise.

 

Shine your light brightly,

mesmerizing all who watch in awe

as you beam

in the way you were meant to beam,

warming and brightening the entire world

With your lamp.

©Dale-Lyn  March 2015

 

I have been thinking a lot about that little experience I had the other day in the grocery store.  No, it wasn't a "satori" or a consequence of "samadhi". I wasn't thrown up to the ceiling by some explosion of light. lol....far from it... but it was very significant to my growth and learning. I felt, for the briefest of moments, what it was like to exist outside the dark and heavy low energy veil many of us have draped over us...a veil that we have become so used to, we do not even know it is there. 

Sure, I find myself wanting to relive that experience...to grasp, cling and store it inside because it was so pleasant. I also know, however, that is not conducive to my learning right now.  Clinging and striving to relive it will not help this growth mission I am on.  What my "teaching" impersonal mind keeps bringing me back to is, "Why don't I feel that way all the time?  What is this thick heavy veil that exists between that experience of freedom and joy and my 'normal' daily experience of life? How has this thick veil interfered with the life I could be having?  How can I remove it once and for all so I, and others, could live in that state I now know is possible to live in? "

Every one of us has our holiness, because we have the Buddha within us. When the Buddha is alive inside us we don't suffer, and happiness is possible. Thich Nhat Hanh, Fear, page 78 ( Harper One, 2012)

I was shown ...randomly or by some higher curriculum design, I don't know, and I don't care who or what did the showing lol...but I was shown in that moment there was and is a better way to live and experience Life. It doesn't have to be all dark and heavy like a "midnight dreary", and we do not have to approach it all "weak and weary" anticipating that something gloomy and terrible is always about to happen. (Edgar Allan Poe)  There is...as the opening poem expresses... a light in us...heck...we are that light... that can brighten the whole world ...if we stop covering it up with this veil.    

I have been conceptualizing and intellectually exploring that reality for eons...but I never had the direct "felt experience" of it. ...or at least not enough to make me this aware of the true possibility of it. I wasn't ready before, maybe, to experience the comparitive differences between the two ways of experiencing Life: As a light  that is unimpeded or a light that is dimmed and covered up by something I wish to understand more about.

 This experience of contrast I was granted was so short lived ...so easily stored without too much thought but I am going to pull it up from my memory bank to really explore it. Most importantly, I have to look deeply into that which normally prevents me from experiencing it. We need to explore the veil that covers and dims the light we are. 

What the heck is this veil? I can tell you that it is called a layer of samskara in yoga, a psyche veil of stuffed and stored memory of events with emotionally charged energies. ..but heck those are only concepts, aren't they? So many of us feel that veil over our light everyday...we live and breathe through it thinking that what we are seeing is reality. What if this veil is nothing more than an illusion, a distorted lens through which we see and respond to the world?  What if what I felt in the grocery store was our true reality...what we are meant to feel all of the time? 

What I felt that day was a freedom from this veil so the light could shine freely. It was an "undimmed and uncovered" version of Life.  It was the total opposite "felt experience"  of what I experience unknowingly most of the time. Through having that experience then, I could begin to explore what was preventing me from having it all the time.  As a contrast it helped me to see that which has become so "normal" to my living, I fail to even notice it. 

What we could be experiencing all the time: 

I felt in that momentary experience positive energy flowing through me. I felt lighter, not weighed down by worry or fear; open, very confident, very worthy, like I belonged.  I was so sure I had a purpose in this world ...I could see so clearly that I had so many  unique gifts that only I could offer and that these gifts  were valuable. I could see so many ways I could help the world while doing what I loved to do. I knew that theses gifts I had offered already were, are, and will be appreciated in a wholesome way. I felt like a really "good" human being.  In fact, I realized all human beings were "good". This wasn't coming from a sense of  shame or need for redemption ...just an authentic sense of shared worthiness.  I looked about me and I knew everyone had a very important purpose, special and unique gifts to offer as well. I felt like I loved everyone and everything. I wanted to honor,  protect and care for it all. I found myself smiling, making others smile back.  I felt like they loved me (who I was beyond the 'me')  even if they didn't know they did. And if they "thought" that they didn't love me...that was just their egos having a problem with my ego.  It seemed so unimportant, in those moments, to have their egos liking me...to have their egos approving of me. I just felt loved and I loved.  What was cool...was that I could see past egos altogether...theirs and mine. Everyone was beautiful. I felt peace...like everything was going to be okay. I wasn't worried about what might happen tomorrow; how long my body would last and how well it would last; what choices my loved ones would make; how I would get by financially; etc...it was just so peaceful. The world just seemed to be this wonderful place to be in.  The future was suddenly full of endless possibilities. I knew I would be guided and supported in whatever I chose to do. I was happy, enthusiastic and excited. It was pretty cool. 

The coolest thing was that I could see there was an  opposite to this...see that there was something blocking me from feeling this way all of the time.  I had a strong desire to explore that something so I could remove it once and for all. I had to look at what I tend to experience and why?

What Many of Us Actually Tend to Experience:

It is shocking to realize just how "negative" our thinking and feeling can be ...our energy? We've covered it up with every gimmick and distraction imaginable. We may be in for a big surprise when we take the time to honestly explore this veil and what we tend to experience becasue of it. 

When I looked at myself after the incident I realized that instead of feeling light, I tend to feel heavy and weighed down by worry, by fear, by life.  Even when I am not aware that I am chronically worried and afraid...I actually am. In almost every moment of my life I am...to my supprise... clenching up, and  anticipating what might be coming around the corner in terms of hardship. Wow! That was surprising.

Are you seeing through a veil of fear and worry too? 

It also blew me away to see that there is a deep core belief in me that Life is not supporting me...that it is out to get me. I have this sense that nothing is going to work out in my favour ...that "peace" is just a dream...so, I tell myself to stop thinking about "me" (which is also a positive and spiritual thing to do.  Knowing that, however, makes it easier for me to neglect my human needs). I have this inexplicable sense that life is all about "sucking it up", and  "surviving suffering" which I seem to be getting pretty good at doing. Because I see no end to suffering in my mind...I am trying to make the best of what I see as a series of "bad" situations by convincing myself that accepting is the spiritual thing to do. I didn't realize until recently though that I was confusing acceptance with resignation and giving up. 

How about you? Do you have the sense that life is all about "sucking it up" and "surviving suffering"?

Open? It is hard to stay open when you are constantly waiting to be attacked from out of nowhere.  I am more often than not, against my better judgment, closed up in protective mode. 

What about you? 

Though Redeemer Ego often steps up to the plate as masquerading self and creates this "illusion" of confidence...I am not very confident. When ego is leading, I am timid, shy,  and "backwards" as my father would describe this  family trait.  

How truly and authentically confident are you most of the time? 

Through experiencing the contrast, I became so aware of this deep sense of unworthiness that makes this veil so dark and heavy. Like many humans, I walk around with a boulder of unworthiness in my belly.  That makes getting around challenging. I feel I have to do more...and be more...just to pay my rent for being on this planet. I don't really feel like I belong anywhere.  I have actually found some genuine peace in solitude and alone-ness...but I also prefer to be alone so I do not have to deal with these feelings of inadequacy I have when I am around others.  I love my family and friends  but there is this deep penetrating belief that they don't...can't...feel the same way about me ...or at least they wouldn't.  I do not trust other people's expressions of love and belongingness towards me. I really don't...that is pretty surprising to realize...but I don't.  I honestly feel, despite the fact that I am surrounded by so many who profess to love me or like me,  that no one has my back...that I am doing it alone. I cannot believe, because of past experiences, I will get the validation, support, or help I might need from systems or individuals when I truly need it; that I have to learn to do without it.  I have. At the same time I have this conditioned belief that I have to put the needs of others above my own at all times. (I can rationalize that with my new understanding of 'no-self.')  I am pretty "strong" because of that but I also know that this is all very irrational.  I know conceptually we are all inter-beings on this planet but I have yet to have, other than in the odd moment, the 'felt experience' of it.

 What about you? Do you feel loved? Do you feel like you belong? 

I am not sure what my purpose is.  Sometimes, I find myself believing that if I have a purpose, it is to suffer. Though, I do understand karma, again and again, I find myself dragged back into this false notion that I am being punished for some past sins or that I am living out some heavy karmic punishment for the sins of my ancestors. Crazy, I know. I see myself as a victim to karma...to life...I therefore do not have much to offer.  When I become aware of any special talents or gifts I might have I find myself asking, "Who is going to want them if they come from me?" If I don't get external validation or support for these talents...I will tell myself, "Meant to be...you don't deserve it ...you are not good enough...or you are just showing off......etc" Then there is that core belief that life is never going to work out in my favour..."I will never have the opportunity to do what I love to do and make a living doing it."  or Shamer Ego will step in to say, "Who do you think you are for professing to be talented or knowing...you are not qualified to help others.  You will likely do more harm than good. Stay in the background where no one can see you. That is where you belong." So many of my talents, gifts, skills or genuine abilities go unexpressed or unnoticed if they are expressed...so they do not reach the people they could help. I feel what I have to give is "wasting away in obscurity." 

Do you have gifts wasting away in obscurity?

A good human being? I am fully aware intellectually that "good" and "bad" are dualistic terms that we do not want to be too attached to but ...no, I do not always feel like a 'good' human being. My religious and childhood conditioning is still quite ingrained in me.  Though, rationally it seems so absurd...I do have a deep core belief that I am a "sinner" and that my life is a walking penance. I still sometimes confuse innocent mistakes I may make as sins that deserve punishment.  Crae-Crae, I know. 

I do see the goodness in others or at least I strive to. I definitely believe that others are better and more deserving than me (not healthy psychologically or spiritually)  ...but I also still confuse the behaviours of others with who they are at times.  I have become remarkably good at forgiving most transgressions against this human I call "me", but there are some unconscious personalities I have a hard time seeing beyond to their inherent goodness. The behaviours of some unconscious personalities have done great damage to this body and mind  and to the beings I love. My ego still gets triggered by the egos of others.  I am more aware of the "ego against ego" battles when they arise and am much less emotionally attached to them but sometimes I still get lost in my ego. 

What about you? Do you see yourself and all other humans as "good" the majority of time? 

During this short lived experience of positivity and peace...I was not weighed down by the battling duo: Shamer Ego and Redeemer Ego as I most often am. It showed me what I have suppressed and repressed so deeply within me...how I am weighed down to the point of exhaustion most days with the heavy weight of a shame I can barely explain. Even though I understand where it comes from, it is hard to deal with such a heavy weight every moment. This shame is responsible for most of the internal dialogue that is so intent on reminding me that I am a "sinner", "an unworthy loser", that "I am getting what I deserve from life, that I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking that I had special gifts or was capable of helping others" etc.  Shamer Ego is pretty nasty. Redeemer ego is not so nice either...leading me on an endless pursuit to prove shamer wrong...to make me okay in the eyes of others.  Such a crazy battle. For a brief moment that  day I felt that weight lifted; I felt like I didn't have to cringe in shame which takes so much energy; nor did I have to expend energy trying to be better than others at something just so I could feel like enough (if only in my head),  and it was amazing not to feel that! 

Are you aware of a shamer and redeemer ego in yourself? Have you ever experienced the relief from shame that didn't come from some false egoic redemption tactics? 

I don't always feel love pouring through me.  I feel compassion and empathy a great deal of the time and I know that love is not something we get from the outside, but I have always been a little afraid of sending my love out there in case it wasn't received well. So, I never really had the "felt experience" of unconditional love pouring from the inside out...like I did that day.  That was the first time I was fully experientially aware of that inner flow and its unconditional nature. I wasn't afraid to send it out in case I didn't get it back. It didn't matter if others wanted it on the egoic level...I knew somehow it would reach them on a deeper level. I knew they loved me through their egoic veils, whether they knew it or not.  It was a love where there was no ego in the way of its flow.  

Have you ever felt that love pouring through you?  Are you still caught up in egoic attachment and conditional love?

I don't tend to look at the future anymore because I am afraid of getting more of the same.  Once I put away my notion of dreams and "hope", seeing them as egoic tools more than healthy ones...I fell into accepting the now as it is. I don't allow myself to get enthusiastic or excited about the future.  I also learned not to be attached to outcomes which is a very healthy spiritual practice.  I put away expectations which again is healthy but in my case, I realize it was due as well to a fatalistic resignation that the future likely won't turn out in my favour. I also felt I had little to no control of my future life Supported by Life? I don't feel supported very often by physical things let alone nonphysical. lol. I feel like I am doing this on my own ...so I walk into the future a bit apprehensive. I do not have the confidence that no matter what happens I can handle it.  I just face what is potentially up ahead, reminding myself how much I "endured" over the years and I tell myself that if I handled that, I can handle anything.  I don't believe my future is going to be bright enough to require shades. Hmm!

  How do you view your future? You got your sun glasses on?

So, as you can see this veil is made up of a low level energy...what we might call negative. It is therefore "denser" and therefore heavier than the high energy I experienced for a few minutes a few days ago. It colours my view and I act accordingly. If I am being honest, I must share that I have ...despite my spiritual practice which has taken me so far...still been operating  like a "Negative Nellie" or a "Pessimistic Penny" or a "Debbie Downer".  It is hard to admit this to myself but I know that if we truly want to be heal we need to be honest. Sigh!

Do you see yourself operating from negativity?

I want to know through the "felt experience" that I am light.  I want to share that light with everyone so they can shine brighter too...therefore helping others to shine until the whole world is one bright light. In order to do that...the veil has to be removed.  For most of us that means "a past has to be healed".  How? First, recognize how your clinging to the  past may be affecting your life today. Next, be willing to let it go. Then, allow whatever energy that is stored because of that past to rise up, be experienced, and then released. This is purification in yoga. 

What does purification do? It removes the veil.  It cleans out the channels so the high and beautiful energy of who we really are can flow through, so our light can shine unimpeded.  That is what I felt that day. Imagine  if everyone felt that all the time. Wouldn't life be wonderful??

All is well in my world.