Choices

 Life isn't about making the right choice. It is about the learning.  Make a choice and learn from it!

Tom Campbell PHd, author of My Big Toe: Theory of Everything

I was thinking about choices yesterday after speaking to a very wise woman who offered me the words, "Just do what lets the light in."  

As I mentioned many times, I always felt a bit "incomplete" because I never had my many years of ongoing education wrapped up in pretty degree ribbons. (Over nine years and I only have one degree). I could have two other undergraduate degrees right now if I tied up some loose ends. I could also resume my masters and possibly go on farther.   It is also my "hope" ( if I dare use that word)  to pursue educational certifications for this new path I somehow landed on of tutoring/teaching English as an additional language. 

That's the  "dream".

Why do I not just go ahead and do this? 

There are all kinds of logistical reasons...reasons that prevented me from continuing on with this educational path when I first begun it. Money is a big one! Health is another.  Then there is a big neon"needed elsewhere" sign flashing over my head.  These were the things that pulled me from this path in the first place. I got stuck in these reasons. They are still legitimate reasons. Do I have the strength to pull myself from their muddy grasp? If I can and do, will they be the only "reasons" holding me back? 

No! There is this question of why do I really want these things....that makes this choice making difficult. I want everything I do to be motivated by higher level energy and deeper stuff. You know?  Will it be higher Self or lower self making this choice? Did I pursue this educational path in the first place for "pure reasons." No! I began with the intention of redeeming myself from shame.  Redeemer ego was simply stepping up to quiet Shamer down by convincing this "me" that it would feel better about itself if it could say it had higher levels of education than others.  A few extra degrees would help to build  a better "protective personality".  Redemption from a sense of unworthiness certainly was one of the biggest motivators for me to seek more education years ago. Is that still the reason I want this?  Am I still being motivated by ego's need to redeem itself? 

The answer to that is , "I don't know!"  Possibly, for sure.  I may also be grasping and clinging for some external light as I plummet deeper into this confusing dark night of the soul. Even though I know...like at the deepest level now...that nothing 'out there' is going to give me the stable ground I long for...I still grasp. 

Regardless, it is true having more degrees would help "me" to feel better about "me". I am still thinking about "me".

Is there any "practical" reason for wanting this? Yeah...it would help make what I did with the language learning  book more promotional and valid. Not that I am trying to promote this book but if I want to help others by making this approach more accessible I could use some certifications and initials behind my name. (Shamer is kind of nodding his head, whispering in the background, "Yeah! You better verify that you had a right to write that book!" ) I also  have some physically doable job possibilities I want to explore in which some of these educational papers are required. So, there is a chance...as small as it may be and not enough to sway me either way...that it could pay for itself in the long run.  (Or maybe not...maybe I will slip farther into unrepayable debt...Sigh, Who knows?)

What about deeper or higher level reasons?  Hmm! Sometimes I think having certain intials behind my name will make this teaching form more credible so what I do here reaches more people. ("Do you really want or need to reach more people? Why would anyone want what you teach and write?" Shamer chimes in again. I am learning to smile at Shamer when it makes these comments and walk away. I realize it is noisier and louder only because it is fighting to survive in an environment that no longer believes it.) The idea of promoting myself isn't comfortable to "me"  but I do feel compelled to write more on this stuff and get what I have already written published and out there in case others would benefit. The initials would definitely help with that!

And when I think about the process of studying and learning, I get butterflies in my belly. It lifts me up.  I feel excited. I sense a bit of light shining into this dark night. Of course, my Shamer ego who has not quite left the building yet, will call out over its shoulder as it rolls its suitcases to the door, "It's just a dream. Without me there will be no need for dreams."

"It's just a pipe dream."

I do not want to focus on any possible future outcome as a strategy for dealing with my present moment. I don't want to get lost in a dream to the point that I am not embracing the reality of my now...but I feel light entering my now space when I think about studying again. I am not sure if the light is coming from the inside or the outside. The question is, does it matter? Light is light!

 I so love to learn...formally and informally. Thinking about pursuing other goals, I feel lifted energetically.  Lighter. I feel the space around me brightening up. I am not so squished in this dark night of the soul. I have not forgotten what is truly important. I know where I am heading...but the light this human needs might come from this pursuit. I think I made up my mind. I am making a choice to pursue my education.

Even if I go ahead and fall flat on my face financially, physically, and academically...that's okay. (At least, I don't have far to fall lol). 

It isn't about making the "right" choice, after all...it is all about the learning that we undergo with each choice we make. I want to learn!

Just do what lets the light in!...

and

learn, learn, learn...

All is well in my world!