Hope and the Finite

... Never seek for the Eternal in this world of finite things.

Vivekananda

Man I know what it sounds like when someone expresses a lack of hope as I did yesterday. Hopelessness is listed as one of the biggest symptoms of depression.  It is like one has given up on life.  I have, by no means, given up on Life.  I have given up on "me" and that maybe considered a problem to most who still identify as their "me". Though, I too still identify and am certainly struggling to find and discover the light and beauty in some of the moments that have unfolded  to satisfy this "me" (because man...is it whiney and complainy)...and this is where hope normally steps in......I realize that "me" cannot be satisfied because "me" is just a hungry little self concept. Who I am,beyond this "me", cannot be satisfied either by the things of this world. It is seeking the infinite not the finite.It is seeking the eternal not the temporal. 

Hope, is about satisfying "me" not the Soul or spirit or deeper Self...or consciousness ( whatever you wish to call it). Hope is about creating mental images of the temporal, not the eternal; the finite, not the infinite. I know now in the deepest part of me that the finite and temporal may satisfy "me" for the briefest of seconds but it will not satisfy who I really am. My practice is all about satisfying who I really am. Thusly, hope doesn't work for this human anymore. :)

I am going on a trip to Europe tomorrow...something I used to hope for like crazy.  Since I was little I wanted to travel and especially  travel to Europe. So much history! It was always on my vision boards and smart goals lists lol. I used to get so excited about the prospect of any trip away...vibrating and not able to sleep for days before hand dreaming about what it might be like. 

Now, that I no longer wish  to  jump from my moment  into my mind like I did then...now that vision boards have been put away and goal lists have been deleted...and now that the trip is a day away...am I excited, hopeful?  

No  I mean I am not adverse to going...I did the things needed to get ready to go...all the planning and packing etc...but I am not up ahead...I am not already on the airplane or walking the cobblestone streets in my mind.  My body and mind are still here in this moment writing you.  I am not envisioning what it will be like.  I have no expectations.  I am still trying to make the most of this moment...observing as the words come out as I drink my tea. I still have things to do to get ready to go but there is no panic or excitement.

Well isn't it good to get excited?

Of course, it is good to "be" excited. But it is important to remember that  excitement is a flow from inside. "Getting" excited because of some external thing  is not the reality...right? The actual or potential external event simply was a trigger that opened up what was already in us. We come to believe it is the trip that is bringing excitement but it isn't. Enthusiasm and excitement are natural flows of energy that are meant to pour through us freely. We don't think of it like that though...do we? We just know that sometimes we feel good and sometimes we feel not so good. We "assume" that some things make us feel good and somethings make us feel bad. Trips to Europe are things that should make us feel good and excited. We fail to recognize that we are so stuffed with blockages and expectations that the external world is here to satisfy us and make us happy,  that we are constantly looking for temporal and finite things out here to open us enough just so the energy can flow.  Like a trip!

The trip is nothing but an experience this human gets to have...one of a trillion number of potentials. It doesn't make it excited.

So am I excited at all?

The reason why I am not feeling the natural flow of abundant excitement in me right now is because I know, number one, that no finite thing has the power to give me that. So...the idea of this trip doesn't trigger a small opening. I want more than what the world can give me.  I know not to seek the eternal flow in a finite and temporal thing like a trip. Secondly, I am in the process of releasing that which is blocking me from feeling excited and open all the time.  These shifting samskaras that are getting ready for release are still blocking the internal flow of this beautiful natural energy. I am fully aware they are still there. My short term smart goal is to release what is there and to avoid putting anymore samskaras on top of them.  Looking for the trip to make me happy and excited will simply be another samskara slowing down the release of the stuff that so desparetly wants to be cleansed. 

So will I even enjoy this trip?

I do not know what the trip will be like but I know I am at the stage of my waking up where I can observe, appreciate and enjoy the human experience as it unfolds around me. I still have a mind that loves history and natural beauty and culture...so yeah this human and this "soul" will likley enjoy this trip no matter what happens in it. Long term forecast is calling for ten days of rain lol. So be it. I want to experience and enjoy each moment as it unfolds...in whatever way it unfolds. I don't wnat "me" in the way dictating how it should be and how I should feel. That make sense?

It is all good!

Note: Bringing this with me so I might be able to write a bit while there. (I can't imagine not writing for two and half weeks lol) 

A Bottle Labelled "Hope"

 

The world sold me a sticky syrup...

snake oil...

in a bottle labelled "hope".

I was assured by crooked smiles,

 this magic elixer would

help all humans  cope. 

It could make all moments 

bothering us 

simply disappear;

it could numb and put an end to  pain, 

taking away all fear.

So, I took it in my shaky hand

and opened up the cap.

I lifted the bottle to my mouth

as the world around me clapped.

I swallowed down the sweetened water,

leaving not a drop.

It burned my throat,  caught in my chest

 and made my breathing stop.

Dizzy with the effect of it, my being

 began to spin 

and I was pulled so quickly 

from the present moment

I was in.

I was carried to another 

more pleasant time 

 that existed up  ahead,

 a wonderful place of joy and bliss

where all fantasies got fed.

The pain I knew  was back in the moment,

the one I left behind

and in this new time  Life was matching my desire,

and was being so very kind.

I could have staid in this new place  forever 

but the high soon wore away

and once sober,  I was pulled back into reality , 

back to the present day.

Here, I found myself  facing

 the world of twisted smiles

with an empty bottle in my hand.

 The pain and fear fell on my shoulders

making me heavy  once again.

Wobbling with the effort 

I made my way to the seller

with my bottle to ask 

 for more

of the sticky syrup, the magic elixer

I would, like most humans, come to adore.

I knew then that I was addicted to

this thing in the bottle labelled "hope"

and that if I  injested it daily, 

it would become nothing more than  dope.

Whatever it gave me or others,

I would learn,

 would never last.

The solution it offered was not real 

and the high wore off too fast. 

A magic elixer  is not what we need 

in order to get by.

What we need is reality, 

to embrace what's real without the high. 

A sober moment has its blessings

despite the pain and grief,

 acceptance and allowance of what is 

could bring us true relief.

A potion can never save us; 

it cannot give us what we need.

Once we realize the beauty of this moment, 

all humans could be freed.  

©Me, September, 2024

As I have written, this human I call me is going through a time.  One of the reasons life seems so challenging for 'me' right now is that I don't use the defense mechanism of hope anymore, not like I used to anyway. I kind of see hope as a snake oil sold by humans to other humans as a way to "get by". It is a defense mechanism that can quickly become a problem. I just see how it doesn't work. I mean, we project into the future to escape this moment...the only time there is...through hope. We do not live our lives...I mean really live our lives ...if we are living in some future in our heads, do we? Yet, the future never comes, right?  There really is no future. And that high we get doesn't last. It wears off and we will just need something more to hope for when we come down from each hope high.  It is a head game.  

This moment, right here, right now regardless of what is in it is our life...is the only thing that is real. If we want to truly live we need to embrace this moment!!! Not take a mind trip to another moment. Hope is just a mind trip to another moment.

Believe me, I would love to escape some of these moments I have been having lately. I want some more light...and for some reason I am still thinking the light is up ahead and that hope will take me there even though I know in every cell of my being that is not the way it works. I miss hope! I miss the high! I remind myself:

 This...right here, right now... is my moment...this...right here, right now... is my life...and it has a lot of things my mind judges as "crappy" in it...and it has a lot of things my mind judges as " beautiful" in it. This is my life. Not what hope gives me.  I want to make peace with this. Sigh!

Anyway, my mind also judges this poem as yucky but I put it down anyway .  Why?  because it is.  It came out in a moment.

All is well. 

Relax and Release

 The true essence of spirituality- relax and release.  As soon as the energies start to get weird inside...relax and release...let go as soon as possible and come back as soon as possible.

Michael A. Singer

Imagine holding on to a tug of war rope.  It may seem like you have to play this game...but you don't. As soon as you start feeling that rope being pulled, notice the tension. Don't pull back. Simply let go of the rope and lean back. You belong back here, not in the mud.

It is all good. 

The Lake and the Leaf

 It starts with understanding and it ends with realization.  All you want is peace.

Michael A. Singer

Still and clear reflecting the world, the lake glimmers from the sun's rays, like a million twinkling diamonds have landed on its surface.

Perfection, peace, and presence emenate from the deep depths of this water source.

I stand on the shore peeking in at the reflection of  my awkward human form. I inhale deeply, breathing in my only true desire...that which the lake is offering me now. ...perfection, peace, and presence...

Then, out of nowwhere, the wind blows ...and a leaf...a tiny browning leaf... is pulled from a nearby branch that once clung so tightly to it.

It falls, twisting and turning in effortless circles. I watch as it slowly and surely drops in one big exhale from my distracted Life to the perfectly still surface of the lake. 

It lands in the center creating a tiny ripple...a tiny disturbance in the perfect peace and presence I have been witnessing.

The tiny ripple extends outward creating another tiny ripple and another... until my reflection becomes blurry .

I gasp in resistance as the image of who I am, the clarity and perfection, the peace and presence of this lake is disrupted.    I spit out that disturbance from my struggling lungs. My peace is being swallowed up by these ripples and I shout out "No!"

I know I must do something about it. 

I jump into the frigid depths. Splashing and splattering I swim towards the leaf at the center. With great desperation and contempt I swoop it up with my trembling hand. It and the weight of  my  resistance are like a heavy anchor within me.  I am pulled down into the depths. Though there is something familiar and homey in these waters below the surface... I refuse to be swallowed into an abyss I cannot make sense of with my mind. I struggle to come back up to the surface of familiarity, creating more ripples, more disturbance with every movement I make. The ripples turn into waves, and the waves into rip currents...I choke on the turbulent water as it fills my lungs with each breath I take. I cling to the leaf even tighter. 

Somehow, I manage,with leaf in hand, to awkwardly and painfully make my way back to the shoreline where I, crawling on exhausted limbs, pull myself up from the lake with its now thrashing waves. I collapse into the sand with the cause of disturbance tucked neatly in the palm of my clenched fist. I will not let it go. I will hang on to it as a reminder of what I must do.

It takes a long time for the waters to return to their pure state...to  perfection, peace and presence... but they do.  I smile then, pleased at myself for my accomplishment as I watch the sunlight flicker and dance once again on the clear surface. 

I can rest.

That is until... the wind blows and another brittle leaf falls to the lake's surface to start the rippling all over again. 

All is well.

What You Call It...

 What you call matter, or spirit, or mind, or anything else you may like to call them, the fact remains the same: we cannot say that they are, we cannot say that they are not. We cannot say they are one, we cannot say they are many. This eternal play of light and darkness-indiscriminate, indistinguishable, inseparable- is always there. 

Vivekananda

The Most Important Thing

 What is more important than this?

Eckhart Tolle

I beleive tapping into the higher Self is the most important thing.  That doesn't mean that our relationships are not important; that our health is not important; that our living situations are not important or that our jobs are not important.  They are important but not as important as being in that Seat and staying there! 

When we are centered in higher consciousness, clear and wise in a way we can never be as 'little me',  we make all these other experiences better and healthier.  Our relationships will be better, our health will be better, our living situations will be better and so will our professional lives. 

Why?

Because there will be no reactivity, no attachment or need for these things to be a certain way. There will be no resistance. When we are centered we will be able to enjoy and participate freely and joyfully in whatever else is important in our lives.

Hmm!  All is well 

Eckhart Tolle ( September 8, 2024)  Is your State of Consciousness More Important than Your Life Situation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WL2oxXNd6zA

Responding to a Request in a Dream

 Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. 

Carl Jung

I had a dream last night.  I was hauled aside by a loved one of my GP and kindly asked to stop bothering him.  I was shocked but needed more clarification.  I was told that she heard I was saying unkind things. I felt terrible that I could be unintentionally hurting someone. So, I sat down with her and explained how much I respected him...and though I may have made comments when I did not agree with an approach or order as nurses tend to do, I never meant anything disrespectful. I wanted so desperately to ease her pain. 

One of Those Dreams

That was "one of those" dreams I get and that is why I am here. I was, in a sense, being asked to face my own darkness. I know some growth or action is required after those dreams. Of course, dreams are very symbolic, right? Though, I understood the person making the request was a particular someone ...they didn't completely look like that someone. They were a morphed combination of different people I somehow knew even if I never seen them before. And the person we were talking about (that I thought was my GP) was actually a collection of all individuals that I have the potential of hurting or that I hurt in this life (or another). In order for my mind to understand the karmic effect of  thoughts, words, and actions I was given a simple dream storyline to follow. An infinite number of beings showed up in one form; the multitude of life experiences showed up as one situation; and all the possible lessons in this curriculum showed up as one conversation. Universal laws like Karma, for the most part, go way beyond the human mind's ability to understand. Consciousness will often "dumb it down" for us as it did for me last night. :) 

Karma?

Now, I have been actually thinking of having a sit down conversation with someone over what they were saying in the community about a loved one of mine...bordering on slander...and what they were inadvertently doing to 'punish' him. I was actually going to say those exact words that were whispered to me, "You need to stop bothering him." So, in this dream that person who approached me was also me. 

The Learning

The big take away here was how bad I felt about possibly hurting another or having someone else hurting because they thought I said, did, or thought something hurtful.  The shame and remorse was very intense, as was my empathy and compassion. Her pain was my pain. It was like  a collective shame and guilt I was experiencing...as well as a collective empathy and compassion. I felt that connection. There was no "me". 

Consciousness Can Stretch

Why did this all come out in a dream? Consciousness is free to stretch itself out when this idea of "me" isn't in the way. When we are sleeping the controlling 'me' isn't in charge. 

Say what crazy lady?

The Effect of Doing What is Unnatural to Consciousness

I believe anything other than the higher energies of Love (and its little ducklings: compassion, empathy, kindness, happiness, peace etc) are foreign to Consciousness (or if you prefer to use the word 'soul'...that's fine too. To that who we truly are.) Even at the most physical level, any lower energy emotion or thought or deed makes us uncomfortable...because it is foreign to our true nature. It makes Life uncomfortable. When we hurt other beings intentionally or unintentionally it is very uncomfortable. So what do we do with this discomfort? Well...all of Life experience is meant to just come in, teach us something, help us to grow, and flow back out of us. We are meant to simply observe and experience not to judge or resist any of it. If we stayed 'clean' inside, all we would feel are these pure energies of Love. There would be no unkindness to another...no need to suffer. 

 Is that we do? No!  We judge discomfort. We resist it! We explain it or defend our reasons for doing it. We suppress, repress, deny, avoid, supplement, numb, project and a host of other defense mechanism actions. We stuff it down and we store it. We clutter our pure Conscousness with junk, including our harmful actions be they merely thoughts or words.  That deeply stuffed stuff becomes who we think we are and we do anything to protect it...thus the emergence of the idea of the 'seperate self'. 

The seperate self is just an idea and our attempt to feed it, build it, protect it, explain its actions and therefore destroy the seperate self of others who we fear might harm it, leads to a lot more stuffing and storing, a lot more samskaras and a lot more karma. Consciousness just wants to flow. We end up having, however, all this lower energy stuff coiled up inside us that pure consciousness wants nothing to do with. That stuff is not meant to be in here. It is so ailien to conscsiousness that it is constantly getting pushed out but we, with our free will...stop it from coming up and out.  We push it back down in defense of the "me".  Consciousness just wants to be free of whatever is keeping it from flowing. When we harm others we feel the 'wrongness' of it merely because those actions are foreign to Soul. We stuffed the guilt and shame.  When we go to bed at night, though, we are like volcanos with layers and layers of lava waiting to erupt out of us.

The Cleansing and Teaching Power of Dreams

 Luckily, Consciousness doesn't push it all out at once. Our suppressed and repressed stuff  only trickles out when we are sleeping. With this idea of "me" out of the way the mind begins to teach and purify itself through our dreams . We dream to release that which we resist releasing in our waking hours. Me is not in control during REM...consciousness is.  Consciousness can do the teaching then.  Consciousness can do some purifying and cleansing then.  We can heal through our dreams if we recognizie what they are. What we think of as nightmares to be avoided are  simply an expression of  consciousness trying to free itself from under all the stuff we stored on top of it. Dreams can be so, so healing. 

So, this dream may have little to do with the forms of persons in it but I will respond to the obvious side of that dream as well.  Any of  my sharing here about my health seeking challenges over the years had nothing to do with the person in question...I expressed in caveat form how I felt, for the most part, support and kindness from him in each entry (or so I thought). I hope I made that clear. If not, I am making it clear now. Rest easy...I have no intentions of bothering him or anyone else. I just want to embrace my dreams and heal. 

Knowing your own darkness is the best method for knowing the darkness of other people. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The most terrifying thing is to accept onself completely. Your visions will become clear only when you can look inside your own heart. Who looks outside dreams; who looks inside awakes.  Carl Jung 

All is well

Watching It Unfold

You cannot control what unfolds in front of you but you can control what you do with it

Michael A. Singer

This pain that awakes me every morning around five is teaching me something.  I question what that lesson is. Sometimes I fall back to sleep as I ponder that question and other times, like this morning, I just sit up to meditate...not so much on that question but on Life in general.  I just sit there in my bed...in easy pose...watching my breath...watching what is coming in through my senses, mostly the sounds of early morning...watching body sensations (the pain being one)...watching the feelings and thoughts as they arise...and watching that space behind it all when I fall back into it. (I fall in to and out of that space many times during a practice). Today I sat for an hour,with kriya included in that hour. ( I have no idea what I am doing with Kriya...I mean I set a pure intention, follow Yogananda's directions and add a few mantras but I have no idea what it is doing.)

Anyway, I got up afterwards to embrace the day (or at least give it one of those awkward hugs we offer people we really are not in the mood to hug) and here I am. Others have already approached me with, "Can I talk to you?" and I smiled and said "later". I need some space. 

I listened to Michael Singer but as I listened I found myself restless in the moment thinking, "Maybe I need something a little more than a contemporary take on ancient wisdom...maybe I need to get a little closer to the source"...  but I sat anyway. 

Life is still unfolding around me. Some things are getting what my psyche deems as "better" ( which equates to simply matching my inner expectations), other things are remaining the same, and some things, like the pain, are getting what my psyche deems as worse. Such is Life. I think I am a bit more distanced from that unfolding and the coming and going of circumstance. I find myself back here in the Seat a little more and pulled out into the drama a bit less. 

Have I made changes in my outer world? I guess I made more changes in my inner world.  I made the decsion to let some things go...like my pears.  There will be no canning this year.  I might freeze some but I am not even committed to that. Sigh! I hate wasting nature's bounty but I guess my energy is nature's bounty too. 

I bought new flooring and we are going to try it again. I feel a little bit better about it this time and I am going to be more actively involved, possibly trusting less, but I am confident we will do better by using different flooring and a different method. 

Once the bathroom is done, I can put things back and clean up a bit. That will be such a relief. 

I also got the ebook version of my book up so it will soon be available for those that might need it. ( I have yet to view the published version...I am quite sure I will open a copy up to discover  glaring mistakes but hey...it is up!)  It will be found on Kindle: All About the Sound: Making Learning English Easier with the 3 P Approach. ...over the next couple of days. The next step is the audio version as an audio companion to assist with reading comprehension. Of course, I am not looking for fame or fortune with it...just an opportunity to serve (that sounds so lame and corny, doesn't it? lol) It is a good thing I have no expectations because it too may fall into obscurity like most things I write. That outcome, I soothe myself,  is not up to me. I did my part. I created and I shared. I leave the rest to the powers that be. I feel some peace knowing that I have it out there. 

Actually getting things done for the trip too. I even had a moment of excitement the other day.  I had some butterflies in my belly which of course was somehow veiled by all the going ons I have in my belly these days...but I felt it. It was there under the pain. It made me realize, too, how the pain was a knot or blockage both physically and energetically in the way of the good stuff coming up...I am confident that once I cleanse whatever is blocked there, the pain is going to go....and feelings like excitement will be the norm. 

My daughter is on a medication to cover her until she gets into psychiatry...which is wonderful.We got through to a Nurse Practioner who both empathized with her situation and who prescribed. (I love nurses!)  Not sure how that medication will work. It will take a few few weeks but it is something and it gives her a little hope. 

I am still moderating the custody thing but I am confident that over time all that painful energy will diminish a bit and there will be less tension and more kindness and respect. 

It is all good.

All is well in my world. 

Learn and Let Go

Knowledge is when you learn someting new everyday.  Wisdom is when you let something  go everyday.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I want to apologize for sharing so much...then I want to apologize for apologizing. Like everything...or at least almost everything I do here...I feel compelled to share what I am observing and learning. I shared what I have been experiencing with you because it was there unfolding in front of me...and there I was, this very imperfect human, reacting to it all.  I felt compelled to share more than anything  the "and it is all wonderful " part. All this 'personal' drama...all these challenges...all this reactivity...is wonderful. It feels like absolute crap lol...but man I get to experience it!!  It is all just energy passing through and I get to watch this human experience it. I get to learn and grow because of it! Now...that is pretty cool.

For the part of me that overidentifies with this human experience...it isn't so cool.  It actually kind of sucks. This that identifies is twisting and turning in a coil of suffering. Yet, every time this part gets aggravated by this energy...the more it gets pulled away.  Our goal is to get rid of this part...this thing I created and called "me"....we speed that process along when we focus and allow the space between this part and the part that is watching get wider and wider. Hmm! 

Right now...I am looking at the space.  There is still utter chaos around me but because I am focusing on the space...I am not getting lost in the chaos.  I am outside of it watching it. I am not sure how long I will stay here...that stuff around me is pretty loud, demanding, and sticky.  It can pull one in pretty quickly ...filling in  the distance between object and subject in a blink of an eye if one is not mindful. So, I am doing my best to stay mindful...for everyone's sake. 

It is all good.  Heck, it is all wonderful.  I absolutely love learning and I am learning the most important things a student could ever learn.

All is well.   

Releasing into Truth

 Allow yourself to release the emotions you struggled all your life to contain. 

Ellen Bass

This human is having a time ...let me tell ya! Everything is bothering this psyche I call "me". Look at me sideways and I will start crying. Raise your voice in judgment or frustration- just a tiny decibel in my direction- and I will blow you down with mine. I am...well not "I am" but the "me" part of me is having a time.  

So, I know I let that floor sit for 24 hours longer than I should have but I just could not face it the day I noticed the issue. My goal that day was to push for my daughter and I did but I told off people; I broke down and cried more than once during the process in front of people who didn't need to hear it; and   I begged and I pleaded as I was referred from one place to another.  It was very triggering.  So much "energy" came out of me during this. I had no idea I stuffed so much worry, concern, helplessness inside me about what I was witnessing her going through. Oh yeah, and the old health seeking shame came up too in big pathetic clumps. I was completely overwhelmed. 

Then I had to deal with the custody support thing I was doing and man is that sucky being in the middle, feeling all that pain from both sides and wanting nothing more than for the children to be safe, well, and happy. And of course, that is triggering all the stuff I stuffed from my own divorce as well as some stuff that goes back to my teenage years because I am dealing with a person from my past who incidentally triggers old wounds. All the energy required to pump myself up to do this and nothing got done. 

And on top of that ...this mess that we are dealing with triggers my money fears because we had to obviously throw the floor out and I have no money to replace it. There is more damage done. All my appliances and the vanity and what not are out in the hall again.  I can't clean the other rooms.  It just reminds me of what I am lacking and how the environment around me is falling into chaos...entropy at its best...partly my responsibility for sure because I should have kept up on things.  I let things go. I own that. At the same time...how else would I ( this human...I have to keep reminding myself that I am simply watching this human go through this...) have fixed it?  I don't know...trivial stuff in many ways. 

I even feel my expression of these things triggering the "You should not complain" samskaras in me and I am almost expecting punishment, judgment, or condemntion  for complaining. That is all coming up on top of everything else.  It is just so crazy. It is all so crazy.

And it is so wonderful!!

I keep thinking that something is being cleansed inside me with every tear and with every emotional release, And that is what I want more than anything- to have all that stored stuff gone.  I might not be able to purge my house but I can purge my heart and soul of all this heavy stuff I have been carrying along with me for what seems like forever. I tell myself that it isn't just my stuff I am purging...it is my mother's, my father's, my great grandparents and generations of collective unconsciousness that was somehow stored within me. This experience of release is so different than any other release I might have had in the past.  There is a pure realness to it that I cannot really explain. It is painful but it feels good at the same time. I like to think I am burning off karma. I stood in the center of the chaos yesterday and shouted out to whatever or whoever..."Bring it on!! I am  not going to resist anymore!"  I think as I was saying that the one sink we have now got clogged...sigh...and the one washer started doing funny things with its lights as if to say, "Be careful with what you ask for!" 

I keep thinking this physical pain I am having every morning is some stored stuff that is just a bit trickier to get out. ...that is stuck in the sacral chakra. Physically I know it is a combination of the diverticulitis and a cyst that is much bigger than the ultrasound reporter said it was...(it has to be.  Having this much pain doesn't make sense unless it is bigger)...but there is more to it, isn't there? This pain awoke me years ago with an internal warning in my mind..."Change your life situation before it is too late."  I look around at the chaos that surrounds me now and I hear a quiet, "I told you so." Sigh! I know what changes I need to make. I just dont know how to make them.  

This is indeed an internal process and progress...involving the Self more than the self...but at the same time external changes need to be made. These changes go beyond household renovations. 

All is well. 

Noisy Minds and Tug -of- War

 

When you can stand in the presence of reality than your being, your inspiration, your divinity, your wholeness, your soul interacts directly with what has been created in front of you and that brings about such beauty,...the Tao...complete wholeness...

Who is interacting with this crap that is being created in front of me? 

I have been having a tug-a-war with many things lately...my circumstances have been getting a little overwhelming in number, if not by quality and intensity ...definitely by number...boom, boom, boom...one hit from Life after another...(though there has definitely been some very "intense" things amongst the multitude of stressors that unfolded in front of me).  And they unfolded...I didn't go looking for them lol. 

Life said, "Here! Deal!"  and I shocked, thinking , "Wow! Didn't I kind of advance beyond all this crap?" found myself grabbing the tug a war rope and gripping on pretty tightly.  I had this intense inner  experience of stress and reactivity, like I had to play this game mind was challenging me with,  like I had no other choice. My mind was so noisy: "OMG look at this!  Look at  that! Deal with this! Deal with that! Do this!  Do that!  There is so much that has to be done.  You need to do something about the suffering taking place around you. You need to finish that book and get it up.  You need to find a way to deal with the pain so it isn't stopping you from doing the things you need to do. You need to get ready for the trip and find some way to pay for it! Why or why did you agree to go on a trip you cannot afford???? Look, how nothing works out for you.  You are digging into empty pockets to get  a bit of renos done ...and everything that could go wrong is going wrong! ( We discovered yesterday that there is a leak from our bathroom down into the basement kitchen.  It isn't from the leaky sink...it is from the toilet...the wax ring was not applied right. All this time we have been using the toilet.  That means there is no salvaging any of the new floor...but we also have to replace the floor beneath and all the ceiling tiles downstairs...not to mention the amount of sanitation that has to take place. I can't even go there right now...sigh. Yep! There is so much right now that I am closing the bathroom door and not dealing with it until I can. )  

Today is a day for trying to ease suffering, possibly saving a life,  and for pushing against some other doors that are so hard to open. ...I feel my grip tightening on this rope as I think of that. 

Life is just doing Life, I know that! I do.  It isn't personal.  And for some reason...for a host of different varibles and causes I will likley never understand...all of these things showed up at the same time. 'This human' I call "me" is slipping just a bit from my practice and  giving into old habit energy.  I am reacting. I do know that all this reactive energy I am experiencing in response to this little onslaught from Life  is not who I am.  I do know there is no "pole star in here"... nothing healthy guiding me . Mind is a a noisy mess right now...and I do know that I do not have to listen to it! 

Believe me, I want to stay detached and centered in the seat of consciousness....but...sometimes it feels like this tug a war rope is not only in my hands but tied around my waist.  My heals are dug deep into the earth but I am moving toward the mud.  I am moving. I don't want to go down but I can taste the mud in my mouth already.

Don't make everything....every life choice...every direction you go in a servant of the noise in your head...reactive energy...there is no guide in there...no polestar...nothing is guiding you...you are thrashing around trying not to drown....

anxiety...depression...need ...are just pictures the lower self holds up...these pictures have a nature

These pictures are being shoved right in my face.  It is hard not to look. My focus on them is bringing me down

 You can analyze the pictures or you can analyze who is looking. 

The Self is behind the mind...and when you return to that place there is nothing but love. From here you can be inspired to act instead of being driven to act as the lower energies do....

The only reality is that which is in front of you...the rest is mind (unreal/maya) 

I get all that from Singer's podcast (these statements may be paraphrased to some degree). We only have to deal with what is in front of us. Yet, what do we do when reality  is so challenging...like when what is right in front of us is so much and so intense all at once?  How do we deal then? 

you do not have to listen to the noise inside....

apply the will and you can transcend

The only thing that works with habit energies is transcendence

I want to transcend this I do.  I want to transmute all these negative energies into something beautiful.  I want to use this multitude of experiences unfolding now as part of my practice.  I want to open not close. 

...blocked energies: anger, lust, greed, envy...can be transmuted to the love, peace etc...the real energy trapped beneath these blockages

I know I, as 'me',  need to pull back.  It is this idea of 'little me' that is in the way...resisting what is unfolding.  I need to get out of the way.

...by you pulling back you make room for it to release inside...you are the blockage

If I hold onto this rope and continue to resist what Life is giving me, I will not win. I will get pulled into lower self. What I must do is let go of the rope and then untie what is around my waist.  I can do that.  All this negative energy of fear, anxiety, sorrow, stress that I am experiencing can be transmuted into compassion, first of all, (and I do see that happening in me) and then from there into something even more beautiful. 

I have to trust that there is something much stronger and beautiful beneath these reactive energies.  I want to focus on that more so than this that is unfolding in front of me and how my busy mind reacts to it.  I do not have to listen to the noise it makes.  I am only complicating reality when I do that.  (Right now reality is challenging enough :)) .

...water finds a crevice...it finds a way to flow through...take what Life gives you...and you can raise the moment that passes by...you can become an instrument of Divine Will instead of little me's will

Hmm! I, who I really am, will get through this. The personal self  might not but  I will.

All is well! 

Michael Singer/ Sounds True/ Temple of the Universe ( August, 2024) The Yoga of Letting Go. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w64NK2Ar5_s&list=PLyOuAoSmZkKoESr2acNWwhznusbBkKXsT&index=2

GoingThrough It

 The Only Way Out is Through.

Numbers waxing and waning and then jumping up again. I don't really care...or do I? It has been absolutely chaotic in this household over the last few weeks ....and I am, as 'this human', feeling swallowed up by it. I, as 'me', seem to be going through it. Why was it so chaotic?

Desperate to Complete a Project on a Self-Imposed Deadline

 I was busy trying to get the EAL book finished, up, and available for anyone who might need it. (I did get some lovely feedback from someone recently that it was helpful...and just like when I have two or three solid readers on this page...it makes it all worthwhile. I truly do just want it to be helpful.) I put about 20- 40 hours a week into it since May. It never felt complete. So, to complete it, I wanted to create a read along audio version with my voice. I didn't have the proper equipment but I was determined...just needed the space and uninterrupted 'quiet' which was next to impossible to achieve. Every chapter took much longer to record (and re-record) than I expected.  Probably spent another 60 + hours on the recording alone. Sigh! Still I was determined because I think that it is pretty much essential to have a read along version when teaching an additional language through a book. Anyway...so as I was trying to get that all done before school started (I can't believe how fast the summer slipped away), I let everything lse on my summer to-do list wait. . I don't even know why I worked so hard and why I gave into this pull to complete something I probably had no business writing, at teh expense of everything else. Though it was received well by one, will it be received by others? Is this going to be like many of the writing projects I have completed so far...and just sit there doing no good?

 I was also trying to get done the other things on my summer to-do list...a bathroom reno and a major cleaning out of all that that was not essential from my house. I really need to declutter.  

DIY Reno Disasters

We wanted to do the renos ourselves...well we couldn't afford to do it any other way lol. I had a very tight budget for this reno and I even ended up exceeding that. Sigh. We didn't get started on the bathroom until two weeks ago...found a beautiful vanity at Habitat for Humanity (was so grateful that I could get what I needed for a great price and at the same time contribute to a very worthwhile charity!!). Anyway... it became one DIY issue after another. The vanity we realized was set up for wall plumbing and I had floor plumbing.  We had to modify the vanity itself. It took us a long time to figure out how to do that. We had two saws but the saws' blades either broke or wore out while we were working and out of desperation we had to take a hack saw to the back (not pretty...Thank God, I am the farthest thing from a perfectionist one could be). Then we had one plumbing issue after another. Had to figure out how to fix it and each attempt led to leaking. (I could see this morning how it was still leaking...sigh) On top of that we bought flooring that we should not have bought for the bathroom (were told that it was perfectly fine though my carpenter son told me later wasn't). It would not click right no matter how hard we tried. After days of flooring attempts, we thought we solved the issue but now after everything is back in place, we see how it all needs to come up. (Did I say I had a very, very tight budget?) We had issues with the painting...and during it all, when I was trying to keep dust to a minimum the dryer vent got completely clogged from beginning to end, and that required a six hour emergency cleaning and a big mess. The door wouldn't fit with the elevated floor...how did we solve that?  The same way we did the vanity. (Not pretty).  I ran out of baseboard, need transition strips, and the little things that make a bathroom a bathroom, but we have to wait until floor and plumbing issues are fixed. Sigh! 

House Falling Apart? 

The washer downstairs is leaking.  On top of that my carpenter son also noticed that my kitchen cupboards are starting to rot (they are  40 plus years old). How the heck am I going to fix that problem?

Unable to Declutter 

So renos make a big mess, right, both physically and mentally? The rooms I want to declutter are so cluttered with more clutter that I cannot get to what needs to be removed! The household itself is so chaotic I think all this moving around and recluttering does something to the energy in a house.  Do you think?

Disturbed Fung Shui?

Life seems even more chaotic now than it did. I mean since we started with the idea of renovating and decluttering, I have been carrying a ten pound weight in my gut and Life seems to want to slap us all around a bit. 

Physical Pain

I wake up at five every morning with this pain in my LLQ and I have to carry that around with me throughout the day.   It gets worse and worse with the more I do. Then, of course, because of the stress, pain, and interrupted sleep my ticker is acting up.  I can hear a murmur now where the click was.  Sigh! This is minimal compared to everything else.

Suffering Loved Ones

I have a loved one in the basement who is in desperate shape but despite my attempts to get her in sooner, she cannot get in to see someone until November. ...almost three months away! We have been waiting for this urgent consult since July! She gets sicker and sicker as she waits.  She was taken off her medication (that was causing pretty severe physical issues) with the intention that she would be seen on an urgent consult by a specialist and placed on something else. That urgent consult was a five month wait!  So, if she does not get help soon I fear for her very life.  I told the people who could help that and all I got was , "Well...we will put her on a cancellation list but there is nothing else we can do." Now, I have to come up with the extra energy to push like a Mama Bear against all the doors that get slammed in my face.  She is way too ill to fight for herself! I don't know if I have the energy. (Accessing health care is one of my biggest personal triggers of deeply rooted samskaras). I am not sure I have that energy but I have to find it somewhere.  The chaos of my physical surroundings, unsuccessful attempts to clean and declutter, and this pain just pull me down but I somehow have to find a way to get past all that for her.

I also have a sister-in-law who is very ill in hospital.  I haven't been in to see her yet.  I fear that will be the straw that breaks the camel's back leading me to avoid,  but I feel so guilty!!

Then there is a recent and very unpleasant break up of a family unit within my family that I have been asked to moderate through for custody purposes etc. I just want my grandchildren to be happy and healthy but I feel the pain of everyone involved and man is that overwhelming to deal with. It is so hard to detach from that suffering. My other children, too, have been coming to me with issue after issue(fairly big issues). There is just so much suffering!!

My dog is very sick.  I worry about her.  My cat is in desperate need of a dematting but everytime I go near her with the scissors and dematter she fights me and I have not the energy to keep trying.  I feel sick to my stomach every time I pat her. Guilt.

Seasonal Pressures

The pears are dropping and I need to take the time to collect and preserve what I can. I have a little over a week of time left to do so, Preserving is so much work and in this chaos??? 

School is starting back and I am not going to be able to make myself available for work because there is too much going on here! 

A Trip We Can Not Afford

Then...on top of all that...we are supposed to be going away in a couple of weeks. We already bought our flights. We were not thinking straight when we agreed to go.  We cannot afford it and how on earth can I leave these sick beings behind? How am I going to enjoy it with this constant physical pain...and the worry over my loved ones that I will have to carry with me.  There is so much that has to get done before we go. 

This Human!

This human feels so overwhelmed right now! It feels crazy!

I even tried to drink my troubles away last night.  I do not drink very much but last evening we were invited out.  I brought a bottle of wine for the host and hostess, and I ended up drinking most of it. I literally wanted to just numb from it all!  It only numbed me for a short period of time, but I knew that it wasn't the way to go.  The pain still woke me at five and I, because I had alcohol in my system, did not feel like I should sit to meditate...so I had to forgo that much needed practice this morning. Sigh! I have been literally in front of this computer "expressing" for too long, in hope it will relieve me ...but as I do I know it won't.  

The only way out is through! 

Sigh...this is the experience of 'this human' right now, the one I call "me". How is this human going to get through all this? 

Maybe, it doesn't matter what happens, maybe it doesn't matter how the human gets through this...It is not the human that has to get through anything. Is it?   It is the 'I am' that simply has to sit back and watch it all go down. I mean...this human...this 'rent- a- body and rent- a -mind' still needs to be driven through these circumstances. Things need to get done but the 'I am' can do the driving, can't it? 'This human' probably should not be behind the wheel right now...it needs a much calmer, and experienced driver to take it through this chaos.

Hmm!  All is well!