If we practice and are able to release, we can be free and happy right now, today. If we can't let go, we will suffer not only on the day when we're finally forced to do so, but right now today and everyday day in between, because fear[and shame] will constantly be stalking us.
Thich Nhat Hanh, page 35
I am reflecting on two samskaras that arise from deep inside me, for investigation purposes, when I attempt to expand that pause that exists between my realization of what Life is giving me and what I tend to do about it ( mentally, physically, or energetically). Both samskaras are wrapped in the emotional charge of fear and shame.
Let's look at a couple of equations that may help us to understand our own growth and evolution, before we explore what is going on in "me":
A Stimuli - an Extended Pause= A Reflex, or a Reaction ( unconscious, potentially unhealthy action for self or others. Leading to "negative" consequence /karma.)
A Stimuli + An Extended Pause= Response (conscious, clear action or nonaction that does not lead to harm for self or other...little to no "negative" consequence/karma))
Samskara Observation
When Life hands me something that is a bit challenging...a stimuli that triggers some old stored stuff within me...I am really trying hard to slow down my reaction time, as part of my yoga practice. I am fully aware of the potential for reactivity. I am aware, now, of that tendency I have to jump into some unconscious action ( a physical deed, a thought stream, an emotional pit, or a negative energy flow) that potentially may not be healthy for me or others. I have made a strong commitment to "work the pause" before I "do" anything. In that pause I am now stepping back, breathing, and observing objectively, as best as I can. I am taking time to observe the stimuli itself, the habit pull I have to react a certain way, and, most importantly, I am observing all that is coming up from inside me that I would normally avoid or do anything to push back down below conscious awareness. My samskaras! I know that this stored stuff and my habit tendency to want to resist and avoid experiencing it, is greatly responsible for my reactions in the past. I know my reactivity, my resistance to the stimuli and what the stimuli triggers is keeping me stuck in a karmic loop. As long as I am stuck in this loop, I am not healing or growing. I will not heal or grow until these samskaras are released and there is nothing inside me left to be triggered by stimuli.
So what emotional charges are coming up the most?
Shame and Its Derivatives
Though I have released so much "shame" already, there is still an underlying force field of it in me, that is easily triggered by life events...the "stimuli" in this equation. That shame is more of a guilty feeling now and it borders on remorse. Remorse, some teachers say, is healthier than guilt. Remorse is equated with empathy...feeling the pain our actions may cause other people. When we feel the hurt we knowingly or unknowingly inflict with our actions, we are more likely to learn and grow from it...making other healthier choices in the future. Remorse serves the higher Self. Guilt, on the other hand, is the uncomfortable feeling we get when we believe we are not meeting social expectations, when we are displeasing others, therefore not serving our own egos or other egos. Guilt serves the ego. There is a big difference between hurting others ( and hurting our Selves karmically by hurting others) and not meeting unhealthy ego needs. One is an emotion of compassion, the other is an emotion of self deprecation.
Both remorse and guilt are derivatives of shame. Shame is a deep sense of not being good enough. In shame, it is not so much what we "do" that is deemed as being wrong or bad but who we are that is. The original wounding, with all its messaging about our inadequacies, whether it be something that happened in our life span or something we are carrying from our ancestor, will remain as raw and tender as it was in the beginning...until we heal it. Most of us, do not work to heal our shame. We do whatever we can to keep it down from conscious awareness. We carry a samskara of shame whether we know it or not.
I have been investigating my own shame for years and have developed enough awareness and understanding of it, that I have been able to release a great deal. I am truly healing and there is less inside me to be triggered by Life's stimuli. Don't get me wrong. I still have a lot left to heal...I am still reacting...In fact, just today I was reflecting on the guilt I was feeling over the possibility of not pleasing my employers by choosing my health over being more available for them. I was so aware that teh people pleasing tendency was still there and that I feel guilt when I don't meet the expectations others have for me. but the more I practice, the more I am releasing. I am more likely to feel remorse for my unwholesome reactions than shame or guilt, and therefore I am more conscious to respond rather than react. I am working the pause.
Fear
Fear has always been the greatest samskara within me...the one thing that leads to a great deal of reflexing and reacting. (As it is for many of us). Not only have I been scarred, as we all were to various degrees, by what the Buddha called the "original fear"of our birth ( Hanh, page 8), I carry with me the fears of my ancestors. (My parents and grandparents have had to endure a lot). Past trauma has also left me with a very overactive amygdala. I therefore desire safety over everything else and I seldom feel "safe" enough. Deeply stuffed fear wounding, then, is easily triggered by the stimulus of Life events. I believe fear is the biggest aggravator, if not the cause, of my current health issues...especially this thing in my gut.
Working the pause, because it so often pulls us into a reflex, is a bit more challenging when it comes to fear. Yet, I am determined to expand the pause between the time Life presents a stimuli I would normally react to with fear and my reaction. And I am really observing my fear, calling it up even, sitting with it.respecting it, and honoring it. I find myself saying, "Oh you are back fear. I can feel you in my gut and that desire habit I have to run from you. I am not going to follow you blindly into reactivity though...not this time. I am just going to sit with you, get to know you a bit better without any judgement or blame. I want to understand why you are here and where you came from. I want to give you a way out through the front door when you are ready too. No pressure. Just want you to know you have a way out. " I am working the pause. This creates a completely different experience.
Anyway, how I ramble.
All is well in my world.
Thich Nhat Hanh (2012) Fear. New York: Harper One
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