What we really want

Let us resolve today to ask for what we really want, and only this, that we may spend the day in fearlessness, without confusing pain with joy, or fear with love.
-ACIM-W-339:1:9

Are you asking for what you really want or are you confused about the things you want and the state you will attain from your request? Are you getting the things you ask for and are those things bringing you happiness?

According to ACIM, you will get what you ask for, "I will receive whatever I request."  Too often we ask for "things" that we assume will bring happiness but that only bring pain.  Too often we confuse suffering with peace because we live in fear rather than love. Most of us are pretty mixed up in the request department of our lives.:)

I am finally coming to terms with the fact that what I really want from Life is peace not pain.  I was asking for pain for a big portion of my life...playing a victim of suffering thinking it would get me somewhere.  It didn't.  It only brought more suffering. As I started asking for peace, Life started testing me, pushing my faith to the point so my seeking would become more purposeful.

As I sat where I was on Thursday, intending to  find peace by finally  putting  closure on my health seeking journey, my family (who didn't know where I was at that time or why) was desperately trying to get a hold of me to tell me that our 61 year old brother had infarcted and was rushed to Calgary General for surgery. If you knew my whole story you would realize just how ironic that is!

If they were to reach me in those hours, I would never have made the decision I did.  I would have opted to continue my "crusade" as it was referred to. You see... I embarked on my mission to find answers and retribution as somewhat of a  Templar Knight...seeking to protect future pilgrims from nasty and unfair decisions and to protect my family from further injury. For the longest time...I thought I was doing the "right" thing no matter how unsuccessful I seemed to be at it.

While my brother was unknowingly being wheeled into the cardiac OR...I was in a room miles away from where he was, making a decision that could change all our lives.   I had decided to put down my sword and my red crossed cape and accept a life of peace instead.  I was so tired from carrying that heavy burden for as long as I did.  No matter how I tried I was not getting anywhere...not helping anyone. I wasn't a very good knight :) Selfishly,  I just wanted closure.

It was more than coincidental  that my brother infarcted in those very same hours of my deciding to let go. Why was I not able to get my sister's messages at that time when there was no reason why I should not have been able to? That was indeed serendipity at its best.  Though part of my argument was my family history, he was not one of the siblings on that list.  He was added to it that day...making it six of us. Who, but the most close minded or fearfully defensive, could call that coincidence?  

I don't know what I am to learn from this yet.  I don't know what to ask for from here on in ..except...except... peace.  It is still what I ask for...for myself and all those in my life. I want peace for me and I want peace for others.  Hopefully I will live long enough to attain it and to share it.

All is well