Working a Poem

He drove his mind into the abyss where poetry is written.
-George Orwell



I have not really drove my mind anywhere near the place where the Great Poets hang out.  The question is, should I be driving a little more?

Not a Poet

I am not a poet.  I am just someone who writes poetry...heck...I really do not write it at this point.  I really just allow it to come out.  I am fully aware...in the eyes of the poetically wise who judge and evaluate ...some  poems that come out here  would basically just "suck!" 

I mean I love poetry and have studied it at the university level.  I have a gut reaction to certain poems and at the same time I have a mind that analyzes and judges the merit of a poem on "how well it is written". I don't do that with my poems and I do not put them out there to be judged...just read.  I really don't see them as "mine", just something that comes through me.  I am not really, consciously at least, behind the wheel.

Do I Want to Be Seen as a Poet?

I guess, I  do not want to interfere with this "me" less function. It is just pretty cool to allow it and observe it happening. Yet, at the same time I recently have this pull to do up chapbooks and get them out there.  This pull to be published does not make sense being that I see myself as  more of a "plopper -downer", than  a poet,  like the ones I have studied. 

I usually just plop the poem down if it comes out here and leave it the way it is with maybe a few minor tweaks here and there, if I notice anything especially glaring...but I don't necessarily work the poem. I feel like more of a transcriptionist than a poet lol.

The question arises:  Do I want to see myself and be seen as a poet? And if I do...is that a higher level motivation or a lower level?

Either way, to elevate myself into the poet status...I need to "drive the mind into the abyss" and start working the poems that just "come-out".   Do I want to drive?

Do I want to get behind the wheel?

If I do that, am I interfering with something greater than ego desire?  I question: If it was something higher coming through me...why would it come out so imperfectly? Or are they perfectly imperfect...the way it was intended?

What is my real role here?  Am I to use this mind I have been given and drive into the place a so called poet goes?  Am I to tweak these poems/  I  look at this one I posted yesterday, for example, and say..."Wow!  That isn't great!"  Should I try to make it better...and if so, at whose judgment will "better" be?

Not that it has to be great or good even...but maybe it can be better than what it is...maybe I can learn to be a poet, rather than just someone who spits words embarrassingly out on the page when someone or something pushes a button at my core.  right now, I am kind of like a verbal Pez container. Maybe , instead, I can actually use the mind I have been given to spruce the few lines that get splattered on the page  up to make them "real " poems. Would that be helpful or would it be getting in the way of a natural creative process?

Why or why not would I work a poem?

Redeemer Ego likes the idea of me working the poems to meet some "other approved status." It likes the idea of me  being recognized as a "real poet"...having another label to hide the holes and cracks appearing everywhere lately. 

To do so,  I must slip back into judging what comes out here in terms of good or bad. Redeemer would like to take responsibility and credit  for whatever comes out of me if it is considered "good" by others standards  and blame someone or something else if it is "bad" .   It thinks of "my" reputation, how "I" appear. It wants "me" noticed so it is willing to put effort into repairing "my" image .  "Maybe if you tweak this poem," it says. "You might get recognized as a poet."

Do I want to appease Redeemer ego...mine or others for the sake of another label I can place on my cracked exterior?  No !

 Besides:

"What if I fail?" Shamer ego pops up, "What if I can't make them better with my prepping and preening?  What if I make them worse? At least when I  just plop them down...there is no pressure to create something reader worthy...it really isn't about me at all.  I am just an opening  to something within. It is not a job...I am simply like the canister of  a Bic Pen that allows the ink to come out when someone clicks the top. I do not need to put any effort into or be blamed for what comes out. 

If I consciously work it, I will have to take responsibility  for the less than good poetry. " Am I ready for that?  No.

Testing and Experimenting

Hmmm! I do not want to make poetry an ego thing but I do want to test myself to see if I can consciously use this mind of mine to polish off that which comes through me....to make it better (or what I believe will be better in the eyes of teh critics...but I really don't know what that would be lol).  I want to learn the art of creating image and feeling with words like the greats have done.

So I am not going to give in to Redeemer's wish to call myself a poet at this point, just an experimenter.   I am going to give it a try to spruce up a poem, just to see what happens when I do.

As an  experiment in learning to create unique images...I will use my mind, drive into that abyss and highlight all the things I am going to rework in the last poem I plopped out here.  Then I will go back to each highlighted piece and ponder over it for a minute to see what happens inside me and what clearer image or emotional expression I come up with. I am not going to force anything ...just going to open up to what is inside my critical mind as well as inside my non-critical heart.

We will see.


Sunflowers

I think of sunflowers,
bending gracefully in the breeze,
their big beautiful heads
vibrant and reassuring
offered up
so cheerfully
to the fluttering
and humming Life
 that passes by.

I think of the large strong stalks
that hold them up
so easily
and through which
their Life force flows.
I see their broad leafs
in my mind's eye...
extended outwardly,
ceaselessly asking
for more and more
of what is needed to
allow their big giant flowers
to flourish and grow,
accepting
with  shameless gratitude
nature's ever giving
bounty.

I imagine the roots,
I can not see,
extended deep below
the top soil
....
stretching and reaching out,

trusting without sight,

latching on  
to  mother' earths
mammary glands
and nursing freely from
 the loving  Source
of all that is.

I find comfort in this image.
I find myself relaxing
and letting go
into the breeze of my own
little existence,
supported and fed by this body
that holds me upright,
reaching out and asking
for what is needed
to sustain me,
feeling but getting past
my shame of needing;
and slowly,
ever so slowly learning
to appreciate all that
lands on my
outstretched appendages,
transforming it all
into what will help me grow
and expand  up into the sky.


Though I can not yet
see my own roots,
...
I imagine them there
extending
and reaching out
to the Source of everything.
I let go and do my best
to trust that
this connection
will sustain me.
Like the sunflowers,
I am free.

© Dale-Lyn (Pen) July, 2020

Reworked.  The analysis.

1. bending gracefully in the breeze:   Thinking of  a happy, cheerful ballerina...a scene from swan lake maybe...so nothing comes up rather than bending gracefully...maybe rather than "in the breeze"...I could say "in the arms of breeze"...that gets too wordy? ...go back to original supported by the wind?  
2. big beautiful heads? I want to indicate head in there and that it is" big"  ...that is what we first notice about a sunflower, isn't it?...that is what I see when I think of sunflowers...but "big head" is not very poetic is it lol.? ..if we are talking "swan Lake" style we might want to use the image of a crowned head? "Large majestic head?", " Great, yellow crowned head"?..." great majestic head crowned with rays of sun"???
3. large strong stalks: Hmm...that is what they are but in reference to the ballerina image...we may take it a bit further and say "long strong torsos that hold them up and  make them tall"
4. allow their big beautiful flowers to flourish and grow. Repeated image ...what if I say "beings" ? Do we grow before we flourish? What about dance?
5. first ..... Keeping with the body scan of the ballerina we probably should add the crucial element...the pointed toe? "like elegant, pointed toes"?
6. latching on to all that is? okay...now I am branching off into another metaphor all together...lets keep with the ballerina? "delicately connecting and spinning into all that is"
7. then remove part about the latching on
8. I find comfort in this image...simple, to the point...may balance the complexity of the other images...or I could say, " I breathe and settle into this comforting  image."
9. period after "upright" to break up this long winded sentence. I don't think we should ever have to take more than a breath to read a sentence in poetic verse.
10. "Reaching out my trembling limbs I  ask for what is needed to sustain me."
11. What about instead of "feeling"..."blushing but getting past my shame of needing"
12. remove "it"
13. "stretch and lengthen into my celestial home within the sky"...yoga terminology for upward sweep lol
14. next ....: have to get back to ballerina...keep that image going..."my own tattered and worn point shoes" to indicate years of trying and practice?
15.to trust the  connection... "I let go and do my best  to trust the  flow and rhythm of nature's dance"?
16, "allowing the  music of Life to sustain me so, like the dancing sunflower, I am freed."
17. Because there is so much reference to a ballerina...we should make this "Dancing sunflower"?

Okay Let's Put it together:



Dancing Sunflowers

I think of sunflowers,
bending gracefully
in the arms of breeze.
Their great majestic heads,
crowned with rays of sun
vibrant and reassuring,
offered up
so cheerfully
to the fluttering
and humming Life
 that passes by.

I think of their long
strong torsos 
that hold them up
and make them tall,
through which
their Life force flows.
I see their broad leafs,
in my mind's eye...
extended outwardly,
ceaselessly asking
for more and more
of what is needed to
allow their beings
to grow and flourish
and dance,
accepting
with  shameless gratitude
nature's ever giving
bounty.

I imagine the roots,
I can not see,
extended deep below
the top soil
like elegant, pointed toes,
trusting without sight,
while delicately connecting
and
spinning into all that is.


I breathe and settle
into this comforting image.
I find myself relaxing
and letting go
into the breeze of my own
little existence,
supported and fed by this body
that holds me upright.
Reaching out
my trembling limbs
I ask
for what is needed
to sustain me.
Blushing,
but getting past
my shame of needing;
I slowly,
ever so slowly,
learn
to appreciate all that
lands on my
outstretched appendages,
trusting all
will be transformed
into that which  will
help me
stretch and lengthen
towards my celestial home
within the sky.


Though I can not yet
see my own roots,
my own tattered and worn
point shoes,
I imagine them there
extending
and reaching out
to the Source of everything.
I let go and do my best
to trust the
perfect  flow and rhythm of
of nature's dance.
Allowing the music of Life
to open me up,
like
the dancing sunflower,
I am freed.

©  Dale-Lyn, July 2020

 

Hmmm! I wonder which one is better and better to whom or what?  

All is well.

 

Respond...

Watch your thoughts; they become your words;
watch your words, they become your actions;
watch your actions, they become your habits;
watch your habits, they become your character;
watch your character, that becomes your destiny.
Lao Tzu ?

I am not sure for certain that Lao Tzu said this...I have studied the Tao Te Ching but do not know which verse or translation they come from.  But it sounds like something he would say lol and many sources credit these words to him.

Anyway, I was reminded of them during another fantastic dharma talk by Tara Brach.  (I really, really like her teachings.) And because I was thinking about "thinking" lol and more specifically our propensity to go negative and what that does to the version of reality we experience.

The last two dharma talks I listened to from Tara Brach have come to me at the precise moment I seemed to need them, helping me deal with an issue in my life.  Helping me to respond rather than react.

The Programming and Core Beliefs

In my programming, my store consciousness, my conditioning, the memory center of my brain (hippocampus) are core beliefs.  These beliefs are triggered and become further ingrained in my mind as "truth" because of past experiences.  One of the core beliefs I have is that "Drugs and addiction, like some social and rampant curse,  are everywhere and I need to protect my children from them. They are all so vulnerable . "  And believe me... I have had plenty of circumstantial evidence to convince me that this was true. Whether my fear driven belief actually led to the manifestation of the evidence, or the evidence before me led to the manifestation of the belief is still not 100% clear.  I am learning to lean more toward the idea that our thoughts create our reality.

I recently had another activation of this core belief which led to intense fear, worry, anger and this reactive mode of judging, assuming, and fighting off the "evil" doers or influences.  I reacted big time.  It started as a little thought leading to a little fear and built into a full reactive mode of thinking, feeling and behaving in a way that I knew was not helpful. I once again, found myself rocking back and forth in the rocker all night, as I have spent many nights as a mother doing over the years.

I would see some possible "evidence" and I would fly off into reactivity. 

Certain individuals entered my home, through someone who knew someone who knew my loved one. I had the  strongest "Mama Bear"  sense they were seasoned addicts with an ulterior motive, seeking a place to hide out.  What was even worse, they were from  out of province and though I was assured by someone that they had already completed their two week self isolation, something within told me they didn't! I saw these individuals, I didn't know, as the "enemy" and I wanted them out of my home! I made it clear.  They came in again, after we were thought to be in bed,  even after I said no more. I felt my mind spinning ...fear, anger, resentment, worry, confusion. The emotions would have been okay on their own, passing through me in about one and half minutes, but my core belief, now activated, kept feeding them...making the reaction stronger and stronger.

Because everything seemed to be  done so secretively and suspiciously, I seen my loved one at the center of some addiction spiral, out of control, fed by these individuals who I assumed were probably hiding out from the police.  I built this tremendous story up based on this gut feeling I had and the  strange behaviour of the visitors who showed up. You see I do have a strong intuitive sense especially when it comes to things like this...but I couldn't tell which was gut and which was pure egoic reactivity.  I couldn't tell if I was seeing through the eyes of gifted insight from the higher Self, or from a place of fear based memory and conditioning in the lower self. All I knew was that every hair on the back of my neck was up and I was in fight mode.

Responding in a Loving, Healthy Way

 I knew in order to handle this situation from a place of responding rather than reacting, a place of Love rather than fear, I had to be able to step back and create space between my thinking and myself.  So that is what I did.  And thanks to Tara Brach's video  I was able to stop the "sub cortical looping" to a great degree.

Steps to Responding

Firstly, I asked myself to stop believing what my mind and my physiological reaction was telling me. I had to realize that though there was probably some truth in what I was thinking...a great deal of it was brought on by stored memory of past situations with others. The fear I was experiencing could have been a result of old triggers just as much as from what I was witnessing in the present situation. I don't have to believe all my thoughts.

Secondly, I asked myself for permission to "stop" acting so I could pause and just  feel what was happening in my body and in my moment.  I was indeed too uptight to do anything responsively rather than reactively.  So I breathed.  I meditated.  I brought myself down and into the spacious non-judging place where there is no "evil doers", just unconscious, lost and suffering individuals who needed and deserved my kindness and compassion more so than my judgment and the war I was starting against them.

Thirdly, I intentionally felt compassion for myself for going there..(.I certainly have some legitimate experience in this area and the circumstances were strange)  and I had compassion for all involved. The feeling/thought stream  that the behaviour was dangerous, that drugs and some breech in social consciousness was taking place did not go away...but with the compassion and kindness story becoming louder than the fear story...I was able to relax into a space between it and me. I felt myself able to respond rather than react.


Oh man...this compassion place is a much better place to be in than the fearful closed up reaction place ego tends to take us.  I see more clearly now and am inspired to take the next "productive" steps necessary.  Hmm.

Post Note: after taking the next step of opening communication around the subject, I realize my mind once again created a story with only a tad of reality in it lol.  It was mostly F> false E>evidence A>appearing R>real.

Moral of this story..."Please don't believe everything your mind tells you." lol

All is well!

Tara Brach (Sept, 2015) Learning to Respond not React.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ymPF0q7U5oM

Sunflowers -First Draft

Sunflowers

I think of sunflowers,
bending gracefully in the breeze,
their big beautiful heads
vibrant and reassuring
offered up
so cheerfully
to the fluttering
and humming Life
 that passes by.

I think of the large strong stalks
that hold them up
so easily
and through which
their Life force flows.
I see their broad leafs
in my mind's eye...
extended outwardly,
ceaselessly asking
for more and more
of what is needed to
allow their big giant flowers
to flourish and grow,
accepting
with  shameless gratitude
nature's ever giving
bounty.

I imagine the roots,
I can not see,
extended deep below
the top soil
stretching and reaching out,
trusting without sight,
latching on  
to  mother' earths
mammary glands
and nursing freely from
 the loving  Source
of all that is.

I find comfort in this image.
I find myself relaxing
and letting go
into the breeze of my own
little existence,
supported and fed by this body
that holds me upright,
reaching out and asking
for what is needed
to sustain me,
feeling but getting past
my shame of needing;
and slowly,
ever so slowly learning
to appreciate all that
lands on my
outstretched appendages,
transforming it
into what will help me grow
and expand  up into the sky.


Though I can not yet
see my own roots,
I imagine them there
extending
and reaching out
to the Source of everything.
I let go and do my best
to trust that
this connection
will sustain me.
Like the sunflowers,
I am free.

© Dale-Lyn (Pen) July, 2020

Door

 

 The door is always open to admit the positive, the good, the beautiful and the aspiring.

Andersen, Uell S.. Three Magic Words . BN Publishing. Kindle Edition.

Technically, not a great shot but it reveals that a door between specie understanding is opening.

 

 

All is well. 

Wearing a "Space Suit"

Space Walker

Navigating around this place,
in this suit of many layers
 of reptilian scales
and mammalian glands,
I follow, however reluctantly,
 the robotic directions,
from a woman's
monotone voice,
 not my own.
She  echoes from within
a hidden  circuit
of programmed directions.  

The downloaded data tells me
to take that left and this right,
as I make my way
to the flag before me.
I am also instructed
to fight, to flee, to freeze
with each zap of current that
courses through me
from the exposed
and tender roots
of the  electrical network,
humming on the outer layer
of this suit I think I am.

This entangled wiring,
with its preprogrammed function
to warn and protect,
makes the fleshy portion
of me within
jump and retreat
like a skittish fawn
to each bump, each change in atmosphere,
each misstep.


I walk carefully,
slowly,
feeling the weight
of mechanical
and social gravity.
Each foot I lift
is heavy and slow,
precisely calculated
to be acceptable,
just like those
of the walkers before me,
leaving a deep
irreversible imprint
on the ground beneath  me.

I reach out my hungry  
telescopic limbs
to grab what is valuable ,
collecting  the moon rocks
and galaxial gems
 that will make
this journey worthwhile,
placing them in the suit's
many  storage compartments,
feeling somehow lighter, 
the heavier the container
and I  become.


I decorate my suit
in the beads of star dust
that fall around me,
making myself,  
even in this heavy garment,
as attractive and unique
as I possibly can.
I display my hard earned titles
and initials on a well lit placard
that dangles around  my neck,
making sure it is especially visible
as the light around me fades.
I am told by this robotic voice
that I must stand out
amongst the other walkers
and
at the same time
I must blend in.


I hear my breath
panting and heaving
within the confines of my suit
as I make my way
to the center of my Life.
I do my best
to heed the directions,
to avoid the zaps of pain,
to make my imprint known,
to take what I can,
and be as noticeable
and recognizable,
yet as similar
and unobtrusive 
as a separate walker
 can be...

But the suit is so heavy,
and the programming  
so restrictive,
and the flag
that does not move
in the windless air
seems to get farther away
with each step
I take toward it.  

Something within me,
some little voice
beneath the programming
and the installed
external  reactivity
whispers..."stop".
I do.

I stop in my tracks
and remove the helmet.
I breathe
for the first time
without the need
of external support.
I remove my heavy garment
and feel the weightlessness
of unlimited space
as I rise untethered
into emptiness.
I watch from
an elevated  distance
as the rocks and gems
that were once
tucked within the suit's
many pockets
 roll away.
I am free.

© Dale-Lyn (pen) July, 2020

 

I can't help it okay? They just come out. lol

 

I owe this one to Tara Brach. I was listening to her speak in the below video and she said a few words: "space suit", "Navigating" , "reptilian", "mammalian" "nervous system wired" and a few others, close to the beginning of her talk.  I had to write them down...knowing they were going to be a part of a poem...Whether they, she or I liked it or not lol. Just is!

 

All is well.

 

Tara Brach (May, 2020) Remembering Goodness; Three Gestures of Love. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EcjUw6fnkMY

Observing The Programing & David Bohm

The ability to perceive or think differently is  more important than the knowledge gained.
David Bohm

Learning

Sometimes, I find myself in complete awe of the learning that is taking me somewhere I really, really want to be. I am in awe of how it shows up on my lap at a time I am seeking it, answering questions I am asking or have yet to ask. I am in awe how it feels when I take in these teachings ...how it reminds me of what I already know.  I am waking up!  Hmmm!

Spiritual Physicist

Last night I was drawn to a video of David Bohm and I have read and listened to some of his teachings before but this time it was like, "Ya!"  I mean I get tripped up on the mathematical component of physics...big time...and I still don't quite understand "Plasma", "Hidden variables", "Particle theory", Implicit vs Explicit order " other than one comes from the other, and relativity vs quantum theory.

Beyond Science

What I do get is that there is something beyond what contemporary science can explain that explains reality. There is an "undivided whole" and what we call our individual self is an "abstraction" of that whole.  I also get  that we cannot separate the observer from the observed bringing us to this understanding of consciousness that rings true for me.  There is one unifying force that exists and unifies all of us...what Einstein called, "The Field," what Andersen called the "Universal subconscious Mind," what Yoga refers to as the One True Self, what Buddhists refers to as "awareness",  what more Western religions would refer to as God and what many others who  are more scientifically minded  but willing to explore beyond science would call "consciousness".

Bohm and his contemporary  and spiritual teacher Krishnamurti explain that  thought is a powerful creative energy! On top of true creative and harmonious consciousness, however,  is a veil of "programming" and "conditioning" that gets established as (what I and Bruce Lipton call) "core beliefs".  These beliefs determine how we perceive the world, how we respond and react to it and are the source of all our problems in the world.

So how do we change the world for the better?

We change the programing, individually and collectively...it starts, however, in the so called "individual" mind.

How do we do that?

We stop looking outward to feel better about the mess our thinking is reacting to and somehow creating and turn inward.  We go to the programming, the core beliefs and change those.

How?

To do that we must first get through the veil that exists between the harmonious essence of who we really are, this indivisible wholeness, and the illusionary and fragmented world and separate self we are experiencing through our five senses.

Huh?

We observe our programming and reactivity to that programming through the mirror of relationship and feeling.  We watch how we react and respond to one another and the world at large. Our relationships reflect our inner worlds of thought and belief.  And we observe our feelings closely.  Feelings also reflect thought and belief  and are often a direct result of such.

By placing our attention and awareness on these two things we become the observer and the observed. We must become still to do so, to slip beyond the pull of thought that drags us "out there" into our doing, seeking, grasping, clinging and aversion.

Like scientists in a lab, we examine closely the phenomenon in front of us, assuming nothing, staying non bias as we watch and learn.  Since it is, in a sense, self  we are observing,  we eventually find the essence of who we really are beneath the "programming".  Just like the particles in the double slit theory react differently when observed, so will our egos.  They will lose their hold on us. The Self will then naturally emerge. Once many of us find that Self and operate from that one universal subconscious mind, from this field of infinite potential, from this Divine God nature...we can put an end to suffering and heal the world!

Of course, this reflects the Buddhist teachings, does it not? Everything is indeed connected!

All is well!

Full Film-The Life and Ideas of David Bohm (June 2020) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDpurdHKpb8

The Best David Bohm Interview (Sept 2015) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-jI0zzYgIE

What Is Beneath

Chipping Away

Sitting separate from the sculptor   in the center of this ever changing world,

You pose so elegantly, so stoically  and proudly  in your many layers of clay.

For a moment you  stand so tall, beaming  as this perfect image that you made

But find yourself gulping and blushing  when  the fingers of time begin to chip away

 

at your perfect,  protective armour , all the clay coatings that you identify as you

and you curse and swat away  the circumstantial prying digits that you blame

for picking so mercilessly at the fragile tender coverings and causing so much pain.

Sadly, the more that gets chipped away, the more you feel the  burning weight of shame.

 

What a defective piece of ornament, you figure, you must now appear  to be;

how broken and ugly you  have become  for having so many cracks and gaping holes.

Strategically you strive, then, to change the weather and strengthen  the protection that you wear,

not noticing  that what is being exposed  beneath each ugly chip,   is a perfect statue made of  gold.

 

© Dale-Lyn, July, 2020

Wow!  That imperfect piece of poetry came from listening to another lovely dharma talk from Tara Brach today on shame...one of my favorite topics ( Well I did write a book about it lol and it will get published someday even if it is by myself).  I love the story about the golden Buddha and this is the first time I see how it relates to the exposure of our true nature. 

 

I spend a lot of my time looking at and writing about  this  idea that we are covered in layers of protective armour , seeing ourselves as that armour ...identifying with it so much we will do anything to protect our protection...blaming others and life when it begins to chip away at it, so afraid of being less than and diminished because of that flawed outer self...experiencing  shame for its flaws...not realizing what lay within the armour... is so much more valuable and precious...so much more of who we truly are!

 

Hmmm!  Thanks Tara Brach, wherever you are,  for reminding me and inspiring me.

All is well!

 

Tara Brach (July1, 2020) Shame, Healing, and Transformation, with Tara Brach. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dlFbtbivOLw

 

Real But Not True

To live inside the belief that "I am bad" or "you are bad" is suffering.
Tara Brach

I think I found a new mentor to add to the list of many mentors who have helped me to see clearly over the years.  Tara Brach, for some reason, has entered my life and seems like a much wiser, more evolved version of myself. lol ...well this "little self" I still tend to see me as.  Her teachings show up right when I seem to need them, perfectly applicable to whatever situation I am dealing with.  How cool is that?

I was feeling a couple of old core beliefs activated today when, Lo and behold, what video is there staring at me in the face when I open to you tube this morning (I begin each  day with an inspirational video/dharma talk  and select from the first three that show up)  but Tara Brach on Real but Not True: Freeing Self From Harmful Belief. Wow! Serendipity is so all around me lately when it comes to healing.  I ask for guidance and I receive.:)

I am going  to step into a vulnerable place and  use a little honest and open self disclosure here in hope that it will help someone, somewhere.

Concurrent Triggers

For some reason, one of the most joyous occasions in a woman's life, becoming a Nana, has triggered and activated this core belief that I am deficient, bad, harmful and unworthy.  Many of us have this belief.  Do you? Of course, this belief can be related back to the question, "Was I a good enough parent? Was I and am I there enough for my son and can I be there in  the best way possible for my grand daughter?"

 This belief activation   is compounded by the shame, deficiency and unworthiness I feel when it comes to health seeking.  The more I am reminded of what ego calls "unfairness" through other people's stories and my own physical symptoms I am gripped by a certain fear and anger.  I want to make someone else "bad" with a thought conviction.  This projection outward as "real" as it may be prevents me from feeling the absolute vulnerability of shame, deficiency and unworthiness.

Both situations have showed up concurrently ( days apart) and are leading to a compounded sense of suffering. They are here, I guess, to reinforce a need to look deeply into these core beliefs and loosen their hold on my life.

My reaction to photography failures was just a superficial distracting reaction that took my mind away to some degree from the core being level sense of inadequacy I have been carrying around with me for decades.  I really want to let go of these beliefs that have been making my perception of life so very heavy.  Though the thoughts and beliefs may keep popping into my head, I want to get to the point that I don't believe them!  And that is where Tara Brach comes in.

Freeing Ourselves From the Strangulating  Grip of Belief

In her video, she suggests that there are two things we need to do in order to free ourselves from our tendency to believe that which is harmful, that which is "real' in the sense that our nervous systems are wired to respond to this collective idea that we are separate little beings, vulnerable and at the mercy of a big bad world but at the same time  that which is "not true".

First thing we need to do is inquire, look deeply into the truth of each belief and secondly,  we need to do so from a place of spacious presence. Thich Nhat Hanh describes the second step as "wrapping the arms of mindfulness" around those things that are causing us to suffer, gently and compassionately allowing, embracing and then letting them go.

Byron Katie and Beyond

We can use the methodology of inquiry that Byron Katie discusses in  Loving What Is and we can take it a step further so that we can examine the illusionary nature of our thinking and believing.   Brach offers us a possible five questions we can ask ourselves when we determine the core belief that is infecting our Life.
1.What am I believing right now?
2. Is it possible that this belief is real but not true?
3. What is it like to live with this belief?  What is it like to be guided by this conceptual map?
4. What does this wounded place within me so badly need?  What will bring healing?
5. What would my  life experience be like if I wasn't living inside this belief?

As I question I know that my belief, as your beliefs might too,  takes on many forms of "I am bad!"  I know that this belief is real in the way my body responds to life because of it but I also know it is just a thought and thoughts are not true. I know that living with this belief has led to a great deal of suffering, fearfully pinching me  off, self protecting and closing down. It has led me to build one layer of ego redemption over the other in order to protect this wounded core, leaving me exhausted from having to walk around with this armour on all the time.  With those ego shells gone now...I feel red and raw but at least from here, healing can truly begin. This wounded place needs my loving and gentle attention, compassion and forgiveness.  It needs to be reassured that "I am not bad".  Removing the duality of judgment, of "right" or "wrong" , "good" or "  bad" from my experience will begin to bring healing.  Accepting myself as I am and life as life is will bring even more. If I wasn't living inside this belief I would be free, open, loving, confident, joyful, fearless, creative and fully alive! I would be the most loving imperfect flawed but real parent and grandparent...fully accepting of self and others, truly wise and present.  I would also know what this is in my body and I would be dealing with it head on...without fear, without shame or a need to blame or vindicate others.  I would be assertive in my health seeking not passive or aggressive...healing in the truest sense of the word!

Hmmm! What would your life be like without your core belief dragging you along?

All is well in my world.

Tara Brach (November 2017) Tara Brach on Real But Not True: Freeing  Ourselves From Harmful Beliefs. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yn8c1ex_eWs

Byron Katie (2002) Loving What Is. New York: Three River Press

What I never was at all

That which I thought I was, ego, I never was at all, for it was a changing thing, mirroring the seasons and the tides, a thing to be born and grow and die.
Uell S. Andersen Three Magic Keys  Twelfth Meditation

The Ouch of a Reactivated Ego

I don't know why exactly, though I can guess at several reasons for it...but my ego is so inflamed and reactive right now.  It is "ouching" at everything and when there is no reason to "ouch" it goes on a wild ride to find a reason. I could guess that the circumstances in my Life are responsible for triggering ego or I could look to the body,  like the usual physical reaction I have to July heat and humidity and to add on to that menopause and about ten hot flashes/night sweats a night that leave me awake more than I am sleeping...as the cause .  (Don't worry...I already switched my bracelet to the other side and after one full complaint free week, I am beginning my 21day mission again today.)These things are legitimate...off-setted to some degree by the pleasant circumstance that has come into my life.  I am a Nana to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. Yet ego can be heard hissing in the background...criticizing everything I do or don't do, even in that regard. 

Ego and Photography

I see ego , at play, especially with photography. Though it is definitely amplified now with this emotional roller coaster I am presently on , I am realizing with a shock that photography  has always been an ego thing for me.   When I take good shots I get blown up a bit and when I "fail" at taking good shots that cause people to go "Wow!  What a shot!'  I deflate like a pricked balloon.

I am not a professional photographer , by any means.  I still use a couple of DSLR's rather than pro cameras.  And I have yet to master these shooter-friendly tools of the trade.  Yet I cling to this idea that "I am a good photographer" and I work hard to make that idea a reality. I do believe I have somewhat of an eye and sometimes I get some, what others would call, "Wow" shots because of that eye.

Ego can get in the way of our learning from mistakes

 I am still far from skilled enough to take consistently great pics.  I probably take much more "bad" pics than I do "good" pics. I have a lot, lot to learn.  The best way to learn, I rationally know,  is not through the great shots I take but the less than great shots.  Still...I am over sensitive to people's opinion of my pics and I think that gets in the way of me exposing the imperfect shots and learning from them, also it restricts me from exploring creatively...this eye...I believe I have and creating images that express what I like, regardless of other opinion. Ego still tells me "This is good!" and "This is bad!" and I listen.  And if the pic is bad than "I am a bad photographer" becomes my mantra.  Shamer ego is there to tell me I am an imperfect being.  And if the pic is good "I am a good photographer" is what I tell myself .  Redeemer Ego is there to blow my little sense of self up a bit.

Long story short...my son wanted me to get some pics of the baby in the hospital.  I was so flustered over seeing and holding my granddaughter for the first time, over the rushed situation ...visiting hours were coming to an end...and over a certain pressure to take good shots  that I didn't. ( Can you hear ego rationalizing? lol)  

I thought I got a couple that were okay, maybe even good enough to push shamer ego aside for redeemer ego.  When my daughters viewed them, however,  and commented by saying, "That one isn't bad, I guess."  I felt crushed. 

Ego jumped in with its rampage, "Who do you think you are...Ansel Adams?...Come on, step back and let someone with more skill...which would be anybody at all...take the pics.  Just because you have a couple of cameras and some good glass...doesn't mean you are a photographer by any means. That is just an idea you have in your head."  I now have this feeling that I let others down and myself down.

Just an Idea in the Head

Hmmm!  That is what ego is, isn't it?  Just an idea we have in our heads about who or what we are, an identity we cling to on the surface level.  It is also the use of adjectives and judgments, isn't it?  ...the good, the bad...the right, the wrong? As I have mentioned before, I believe, ego is as two faced as they come.  Shaming us one moment by placing a negative adjective in front of our labels and identified roles, redeeming us the next with a positive adjective.  But all of it is just thought, idea, judgment, concepts and terminology ...not actually what is or what we are!

I am not a good photographer.  I am not a  bad photographer. I am not even a photographer. I am just someone who likes to take pictures.  Sometimes those pictures are pleasant to me and others, sometimes they are less than pleasant and sometimes they just have a neutral effect..."Not bad".

Really not about the photography at all.

My happiness should never depend on me being identified as a "good photographer" by self or others. Your happiness should never depend on you being identified as a "good" baker, painter, doctor, accountant, grandmother or housekeeper  And when it is...there is something more at play than an evaluation of  skill.  Ego is getting involved, maybe, because it gets threatened when we get too close to discovering who we are beneath these labels, roles and identities we erroneously  take on as a self.

The Closer We Get to Truth, The More Desperate Ego Gets

I think I was taking another step towards transformation recently when Life stepped in to challenge me as it will do when we step closer to truth. Circumstances, sleep deprivation, the adoption of another role...led to a reactivation of ego, a now desperate and dying ego that wants to cling to whatever it can to ensure its survival. It got nasty in its desperation...the way an abuser often will when you make the effort to leave an unhealthy relationship. It was criticizing every role I thought was me to make me small and controllable, itself powerful again.

I realize though...that none of it is me.   My roles are not me.  Your ever changing roles and identities are not you. The adjectives used to describe you and your roles are not you either.  They are just words and concepts.

You are so much more than that.  You are that which exists beneath each role  the mind uses to limit you, to judge you and restrict you. You are unlimited spaciousness, creativity  and Love where no such judgments of good or bad exist.

Ego doesn't have to drag us back into "little me" need for shaming and redeeming. We can stand back and simply notice ego doing what it is doing in its attempt to prevent us from leaving it to go to that better place  "of being" we are all heading.

A Little Detachment from Our Roles

We do not need to be so attached to our "roles" and these "ideas" we have of who we are.  We can still perform them but from a detached spaciousness. Imagine performing our roles from that space, rather than from ego's.  Those times I luck into getting  a great shot...are times I was shooting from there without ego in the picture.  The times I am offering the most to others, be they strangers, my children or now my granddaughter, is done from the center of who I really am...not some "idea" I call me. Our roles do not need to define us or limit us!

Hmm! Isn't that something to think about?

All is well. .

Hope and Serendipity

Hope is the thing with feathers

that perches in the soul

and sings the song without the words

and never stops at all.

Emily Dickinson

 

 

I have yet to hold my grand daughter  but hopefully that will change today.  With COVID regulations and an exhausted Mom I patiently wait for the perfect time for all. For now, it is what it is. I will hold her soon enough.  :)

Emotions Arising

I have actually been a mixture of emotions this week. The news that came to may attention on Sunday evening about a loved one's future and the news about how an individual, who I  had repressed concern related to my treatment about, made similar decisions that affected another very negatively...left me reeling a bit.  Then the birth of my grand baby added another dimension to the up and down roller coaster in my mind. On top of that there was sleep deep and humid weather (that tends to effect my body in a negative way) to deal with.

Regardless of the story, the circumstances or the thinking reaction I had to them... I was feeling a little "off" all week.  Happy, excited, full of love,  and at the same time exhausted, worried, anxious, angry, resentful and very restless.

Ego says "Run!"

I have been trying to deal with all this and ego offered it's usual advice: "RUN!" It shouted.   "Escape into thought, story, dramatic validation, busy work, numbing, avoidance, denial, projecting outward, blaming etc. Push away the adverse and cling to the pleasant!"

Serendipity and Tara Brach

I was about to run until serendipity once again stepped in to help.  Serendipity brought Tara Brach into my life.  (Not literally, lol, she does not know I exist) but I was compelled this week  to buy and read "Radical Acceptance" which I am still doing.  As I continue to read this, seeking radical acceptance in my life,  I sit with the intense realization this morning that I also need a little hope.   Then when I flick on you tube to begin my practice of inspirational listening, right there in front of me is a video of hers.  I have never noticed other videos of hers before ..in fact I didn't even know of her until I saw this book I bought but as soon as I open up the YouTube page there she is. The video was  entitled "Spiritual Hope" .  It was like an OMG moment lol.

Hope for Real Hope

I asked for hope and I got it or at least a very obvious sign that I can have it...we all can.  And not the egoic hope that leads us in our attempts to manifest "things" of the external world that never satisfy for long...but that which helps us to open our hearts to all Life is, to trust which I realize I am having a hard time doing.

Skeptical Doubt

The source of my discontent is this deep feeling I have that I can not trust others (always anticipating situations like the one  I have encountered a few months back) , Life ( I stand on guard  wondering what other challenge it is going to throw at me, what other blessing it is going to strip away from me) and myself ( Can I get beyond my brokenness to  be more loving for self and others?  Will I be able to get beyond what is broken in me to  give this new child that has entered the world what a grandmother should?).  This all came to the surface while I was listening and reflecting on the video.

  This, what I am experiencing, leading to a series of negative emotions and thought experiences  is what Thich Nhat Hanh calls " skeptical Doubt."  And doubt is the opposite of hope, isn't it?  The opposite of trust.

Though I have been getting glimpses of egoic hope over the years, I knew to my core that this hope would not sustain or lead me to fulfillment.  Still I attempted to manifest with my thinking. I would almost beat myself up for not manifesting "enough good things" for myself or others, blaming myself for thinking less than positive thoughts. The heaviness I have been carrying with me, based on stored memory of past experiences, has left me with a certain hopelessness, a doubting so pervasive I have stuffed it way down deep.... and that has interfered with my ability to maintain positive hopeful thoughts for my self, others and Life.

A Big Yellow Doorway

 I at first thought that skeptical doubt was in the way of my getting what I really, really want...peace of mind, an open Loving heart, freedom from the second and third arrows of suffering. Now, after hearing Tara Brach  speak and reading her words,  I see that this doubt arising to the surface of my awareness can actually be a big yellow  doorway to "spiritual hope".   Ya...that is it.

Pushing away negative thinking, denying a certain internally stuffed suffering, telling ourselves we have hope when we have an underlying vulnerability to doubt...is not how we get what we truly want from Life; it is not how we transform. Recognizing, allowing, embracing this doubt  and vulnerability with awareness and compassion will allow us to find the hope that we are made of.

And the serendipity by which this realization came into my life is enough to offer such hope, isn't it?

Hmm!

All is well in my world.

Tara Brach (2003) Radical Acceptance. Toronto: Bantam

Tara Brach (June 2020) Spiritual Hope with Tara Brach. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9erb6HJWP-0

Happy Canada Day!!

A mighty truth is at the center of my consciousness, where no work is difficult, where peace always reigns, where all things are possible.
Uell S. Andersen  Ninth Meditation

My first grand baby is entering the world as I write this. I hope she has her father's kind and compassionate heart.

A Canada Day baby!!  For that reason alone, she will have to have his red hair then, don't you think?   :)

All is well.