An exercise for understanding walls and clearing up the messy mind

Emptiness clears out the messy mind and charges up the battery of spiritual energy.
-Benjamin Hoff

Like many of you, I am good and stuck! I look at myself and my situation sometimes and I can't understand how someone who once skipped along all those roads I wrote about in previous entries finds herself so stuck now, seemingly unable to go forward, to move in any direction.  I am loose and fluid here in my writing,  like water heading for the ocean...but everywhere else I am experiencing one dam after the other.  Nothing is getting done and often these barricades seem to be threatening to crash onto me leaving me beneath their rubble.  What are those dams that seem to be  preventing Life from flowing through me? I really, really want to be free of these blockades...I want to live openly and freely. 

Concept Maps

I believe I/we need to know what the wall is before we can get through it.  What are my walls?  I asked myself that question this morning and took out a piece of paper to create a concept map around the word "Stuck". I drew a line from that word to other words "parenting/kids", "Health issues", "finances", "Social" , "House", "Writing" , "Relationship with D.," "grief/loss"

Around each of these subtitles I extended other lines extending to sub issues I am dealing with under each of these major categories.  For example, from "Health Issues" I drew lines around it: "Physical", "Psychological(encompassing thought and emotion), "Spiritual" and "Health Seeking". 

Around each of these I branched off further.  For example, with physical health I branched off to "Cardiovascular", "Muscle skeletal", and "menstrual. "

From each of these I branched off again ...for menstrual, for example, I wrote "menopause" and "pelvic pain" .

With menopause I branched off to "sleeplessness" irritability" "fatigue". 

I also connected all the things that were similar...For example..."Fatigue" connects many of my health issues even the "Health Seeking".

One Messy Map

I did that with all the issues...lines extending from lines, branching off into smaller and smaller more specific details and what did I end up with?  One big messy page. I looked down to realize that is what was in my mind, a  complete mess that was very challenging to understand.  A mental health practitioner would have a field day with me lol.

No wonder why I am stuck. If that was a 'map" that I was living my life by, how could a person be anything but lost. There is so much going on around me, apparent  walls sprouting up everywhere, only because I cannot see clearly enough through the chaos to know what step to take next.

The exercise: Control or No control

I knew I needed to organize my mess so I could at least make sense of it. So I took another page and made two columns:  One that said "Some Control", and another that said "No Control" .  I took each of the smallest categories on the map and created a separate list with that.  It is only the smallest, most specific detailed  branches that determine the quality of my life.  That is all I have to focus on.

That list would look something like this:

• sleeplessness
• irritability
• hot flashes
• fatigue related to menopause
• weakness related to periods of bradycardia
• dizziness, weakness and presyncope related to periods of hypotension
• chest pain
• fatigue
• risks associated with decreased physicality
• risks associated with pushing past bodily symptoms
• experience of 'high stress' because of excessive amount of external life events to process through at one time
• situational depression
• fatigue related to sit depression
• thought addiction
• resurfacing of shame and fear from past traumatic experiences
• shame and fear from health seeking
• opinions and assumptions made about me during health seeking experiences
• fear for family members not getting diagnosed
• guilt for my failure to help them through my experience
• lack of support
• fatigue from unproductive heath seeking

And that is just some of the small detailed categories that come from my lines around "Health Issues."  

Another Important step: Examine

Once this list of so called problems or issues to be dealt with is complete, it is really important to examine it thoroughly.  Know, before we go any farther that these are just your perceptions of your outer world experience, subjective thoughts that belong to you and not necessarily based on reality. They need to be examined.

Eliminate the redundant and repeated issues. Fatigue, as you can see, is repeated several times so we can just say fatigue.

Look at how you described the issues on your list, what terminology did you use? Remove all absolutes like "never, always", remove the musterbators like should, have to and must and remove the drama. For example in the above list I did my best to be objective and to the point without any drama but I did write "lack of support"...which implies that I have had  no support which is not the case.  In my health seeking,  I have had very supportive physicians involved in my care. It would have been better if I wrote " occasionally perceiving a lack of support from some individuals".

Next, ask, "Is this true?  Is this a real experience in my life right now?" For example, I wrote "situational depression" but I don't know for sure if that is true.  I assume it is true but can I diagnose myself with that label?  Do I want to? Maybe it would be best if I wrote,  "symptoms of depression in response to dealing with life events". Picky I know but it removes any absolute label from my thinking. So evaluate the truth of what you see as the details of your life struggle or your problems that are creating the wall around you, keeping your stuck.

Remove any futuristic or potential issues.  Life is "now" remember, not in the future.  Don't let your mind go there.  So I would remove the two statements I made about "risks". Stick with the actual issues not the potential.

These minor adjustments made on examination of your list should shorten it.  I began with over 100 on my list lol and now I am down to eighty.

The Control Issue

From that list and from that list only I  determined what I have control over and what I don't, placing the item in the respective column.  For example I might not have control over hot flashes and the weakness related to bradycardia so they go in the "no control" column. I do have some control, however limited, over the chest pain if I reduce my physicality...so that goes in the "Control column" .

The Control column

In this column of some control.  I create small steps that I can take.  They have to be "small" and clearly defined. For example, if my subcategory was fatigue" as it was for many of them, "what could I do to assist with that?" I could rest more, balance activity with rest, create a yoga sequence specific for fatigue. I can be honest about my experience of it to others and myself and at the same time change my perception of it.  I can change my thinking and my self talk about fatigue. That is what I have power over. 

The No-control Column

The rest in the "no control" column would be things I consciously released and let go of.    I have no control over other people's opinions about my experience of  fatigue. I have no control over outside help and lack of. This is the experience of my life right now. "And this is how it is."

Letting Go!

I intend ( have not completed this exercise yet)  to tear that column off the page when it is done and burn it. As a small ritual of letting go, I will watch this column of things I have no control over burn in the flames as if burning on a funeral pyre . I will surrender to them and let go all worry associated with them. Worry is a senseless emotion, right?  It is rendered even more senseless in areas we cannot change or make better.

Letting go...will not only clear away a lot of mess from my map but it will bring a certain relief and peace that I so want. It will allow me to take a step forward through the walls I have created.

Anyway, that is how I identified my  walls and began to find my way through them.  It may help you or it may not but it is worth a try isn't it?  It takes some time to do this exercise and it is important to not rush through it.

I also cannot stress enough....that all walls are just barriers we created in our mind.  I am confident that if we clear up the mess in our heads we will clear up the mess in our lives one tiny step at a time.

All is well

And this is how it is

A happy outcome to all things is sure.

-ACIM -W- 292

Imagine if we knew that...I mean really  knew that.  We would stop fighting and struggling against the present moment and just accept what is, wouldn't we?

If only we could make our mantra,whenever we face what Life offers us in the form of circumstances :

And this is how it is.

-Eckhart Tolle

What is your wall?

The block of granite which was an obstacle in the pathway of the weak, became a stepping stone in the pathway of the strong.
-Thomas Carlyle https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/obstacle

So wherever we  'think' we are going or 'why' we often hit obstacles or walls.  We get to this point where we cannot seem to go further.  Most of us will begin by resisting the wall and doing our best to knock it down.  Fruitless effort expenditure when all we have to do is sit back and understand what the wall is. 

So what are your walls, obstacles, barriers that stop you from going forward?

Is it one of these?
 

·         Illness

·         Trauma

·         Depression

·         Exhaustion from carrying a heavy load that belongs to you

·         Exhaustion that comes from carrying a heavy load that belongs to others.

·         Unexpected and unpredictable challenging Life circumstances

·         A lack of approval (Do you ‘need’ approval?)

·         Loss: of material items, things you identified with

·         Assumptions and opinions with negative consequences from others

·         Over exaggerated sense of duty and obligation(neurosis)

·         Habitual negative thinking patterns

·         Attachment to past: Identity of self, based on past behaviours and choices…labels. Maybe you tell yourself things like: “I am and have always been depressed, I am one of those people who is never satisfied. I am emotional, I am an angry person" etc etc

·         Rigidity in Beliefs

·         Sense of unworthiness for more

·         Guilt: keep you from moving because guilt keeps you stuck in the past

·         Worry

·         A need for perfection

·         A need for security

·         Fear of the unknown…of moving into new territory

·         Fear of failure

·         Shame

·         Justice Trap: looking for fairness and justice.

·         Procrastination tendency

·         Anger

·         Growing up

·         “Junk “ stuck in you

·         Perception of the world as hostile

 

Think about that for a while. What seems to be stopping you (and the key word is 'seems')? Remember you are weak only if you think you are.  Your granite wall can become your stepping stone

 

All is well.

What road are you travelling on?

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.
-Buddha https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/path


What road are you travelling on to this destination you headed for?  Are you travelling the road of "More", the road of "Attachment", the road of "Resistance" , the road of "Distraction" or the road of "Endurance" like so many of us are?

Huh?

The Road of "More"

So many of us take this road. The road of more is a road that never ends.  You know this is the road you are on when you get to the "Welcome to..." sign that was your goal, to find that it says, "...now go to the next sign for more." 

It is like you set out  with a mini destination in mind. You  are so hopeful that it is the destination that makes everything right...the place where you will find peace, joy and happiness. When you get there, however, you realize you have to go on further. It is not the end of the road.  It in itself is not enough. 

The place with its sign might be a job you strived to get, a certain income, a certain relationship, a certain amount of recognition or praise. You stepped and stepped and stepped, strived and strived and strived to reach this point, only to find that it is not the 'special place' you were hoping it would be.  When you, exhausted and out of breath, reach one sign after another...you are just told to go on further. You have to work longer, harder and do more to find that happiness you are looking for.

The thing is...on this road to more, you will never  get "there'. You will never get to that 'special place' by striving, and doing. You may get a momentary sense of peace, of joy and of the happiness you are looking for as you stand huffing and puffing below each road sign (below each achieved goal, accomplishment or attainment)...but it will not last.  You will realize you have not yet reached your destination. So you will seek more and feel the need to keep travelling along the road you are on no matter how tired you are getting.


The Road of Attachment

The road of attachment is like walking on a magnetic field.  We become magnetic and cling to everything we encounter along the way.  Stories, ideas, and beliefs stick to us. We cling to the things of this world  we feel we've earned on these journeys or what we have been told is necessary to carry. We carry with us many things to explain who we are and where we have been. 

Needless to say, this road is a challenging one. It is painful.  The more that we have stuck to us, the heavier our loads are. Our vision also becomes blurred by the physical world things that are stuck to our eyes.  When things are pulled from us, we feel the sting and the pain of separation and loss. So we are either gasping for breath under the heavy loads we are carrying or feeling the sting of loss.  Yes it is a difficult road that many of us insist on taking.

The Road of Resistance

Or maybe you are taking the road of resistance?  If you find yourself having to thrash away at whatever is in front of you...clearing away all the unpleasant brush of life that springs up on the path before you  with your mental and emotional machetes , this is the road  you are on.

"No!  No! No!" is the swooshing noise your cutting instrument makes as it thrashes away at everything each moment of your journey offers. "I have to get up there so get out of my way!" is the mantra.

Everything before you becomes something you have to clear a path through and with the blind  momentum of a seasoned thrasher, you see nothing but that which has to be cleared away. The purpose of each moment is just to get it out of the way so you can get to some moment you mistakenly believe is up ahead.

This is exhausting!!! The machetes are heavy to carry and the work required to cut away the moments of your life drains the body and the mind.

The Road of Distraction

Awe, are you on this road? This is road that is full of distractions.  With these distractions all around  we do not have to feel the pain of each step. It is a path that offers numbing pain relief for the blisters and bruises we have earned in the past.  It also  blurs what is up ahead.

It is an enjoyable path to be on at first but eventually the distractions begin to overwhelm  and over take us. We can get lost very easily.  It is path that takes us around in circles, exhausting and painful circles. Addiction can become the only thing earned on this road

The Road of Endurance

Many of us are on this road. This is a very long and painful road.  It is a dark and narrow  one as well.  On this path we choose, on some level, to  endure the darkness and pain without hope of experiencing light and relief.   It is a road many martyrs travel on carrying with them the false notion that  the willingness to travel such a way will bring recognition and reward.  It is also the road those who feel unworthy for more or those who feel they deserve punishment travel on.

It is a long road and a very sad one.

So what road are you taking? So what road are you on now?

Some times we go from one road to another in an attempt to get to the special place. I have travelled on everyone of those roads for at least a bit until I ended up here in front of this wall. Hmmm! We learn a lot about our destination when we realize what road we have chosen. 

First determine what road you are taking and then you will have a better idea about where you are intending to go.

It is all good.

Where are you going?

Sometimes it is the journey that teaches a lot about the destination.
-Drake

Do you know where you are going? I mean seriously, do you know where all your busywork, your doing, your planning, your thinking and to do lists are taking you? I know you probably have goals be they visualized or just scribbled down on a piece of paper under the title ,"To Do List" ...but do you know where they are taking you?

Where do you really want to be?  I am sure you can tell me what you want to 'achieve', what you want to 'attain' , what you want to be recognized for... but where do you want to 'be'?

Like me, you might have your head down and you are focused on getting to some destination in your mind but do you clearly see what the destination is in terms of experience?  Why are you doing the things you are doing?  Why are you taking one step at a time?  Where are you going?

Sometimes, as Drake above says, we don't know what the destination is all about until we are moving toward it.  Sometimes we become quite surprised that we are going in the wrong direction or for the wrong reasons. Hmm!

We need to know where we are going and we need to question , "Why?" and is "This what I really want and need?"

It is all good!

Another Series

There is no way to happiness; happiness is the way.
-Wayne Dyer

Still stuck on this topic about being stuck lol. Synchronicity stepped in and brought the wisdom of one of my favorite mentors in this area to me.  I came across some videos from Wayne dyer recently that brought me back to some of the things he has taught me over the years.  

From his wisdom, and the wisdom I have gained from others and from experience.  I would like to start another little series on getting past these barriers or ruts. In that series I would like to talk about:

• Where we believe we are going before we hit the walls
• What those walls are for most of us
• How to get through them
• The Gifts in the Wall: What the process teaches about Life

Hmmm!  Once again I cannot help myself lol (Well I can but you know what I mean...I don't want to  lol).

It is all good.

These guys know where they are going....

What we could learn from them

Obstacles

If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.
-Frank A. Clark. https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/obstacles

Okay!  That story came out of me rather quickly and I am not sure if I should apologize to you or my ego for it lol.  In my defense, it made some valid points in an odd way. 

Being stuck, mental ruts, complicated life situations, problems, burn out or depression...whatever you see it as...creates a wall in our lives that we can not seem to get over or around. 

We usually begin by resisting it , "cursing' it for being in the way or for  stopping our brain dead momentum that we 'assumed' was taking us somewhere. In resistance to what is, we express internally and externally how unfair it all is, how it 'shouldn't be' etc.  and we struggle against the wall which is the present moment we are in. We want to get to some elusive place that exists in the future and therefore do not appreciate being stuck in the moment that is less than appealing by this 'obstacle'. 

After resisting we may decide to wait...we wait for someone or something outside ourselves to happen, to make it all better.  Maybe we are relying on circumstances changing, on people changing and giving us what we want.  Maybe we are relying on drugs like antidepressants to make it all better. Maybe we are waiting for specialists to take us seriously enough to help us get better. We can wait for the universe or others to come in to rescue us. The point is we wait for something outside of ourselves to tear down the wall so we can go on with our momentum. We can wait a long, long time. Again this is all based on externals...If we believe the cause of the problem is external, therefore the solution has to be.

Eventually we have to realize that it is up to us.  We are responsible for getting to the other side.  Sure we can use some help and support but the 'doing' is ours.

Can we climb the wall? Well if you are in a good enough rut, probably not. The wall may be tall and we may be very, very tired.  The mere idea of scaling the wall to get over it  is fatiguing.  So much so it seems impossible to begin.

What about getting around it? Maybe we have pondered and pondered ways to get around the wall or maybe our minds are too tired to problem solve.  Usually if we are stuck we do not see the way around the problem either . So getting  up and over or around the wall may require way too much effort and energy that we do not feel we have.

In frustration, we may attempt to resist and struggle against the barrier again...only exhausting ourselves even more.

So when that fails what do we do?  We may then deny the barrier and the impact it has on our lives.  We may settle into the rut /the life on this side of the wall...making it our comfort zone. That may keep us safe and somewhat 'content' but it isn't really living, is it?  As soon as we stop expanding, growing, moving forward...we are stuck as stuck can be.

Hmmm! So resisting, waiting, climbing over or around  and finding comfort in denial is not going to work to get us out of this rut,  right?

What do we need to  do?

We need to listen to the inner wisdom that comes in the silence.  Say what???  We just get still and quiet, stop spinning those darned tires and just listen to the wisdom that is within.  That old lady by the way was meant to represent the woman's/my inner wisdom...just in case you didn't get that one lol.

Ask the questions, ponder the answers.  See what comes up.

Usually what we will find is that the only way beyond a wall is to  go through it.  We have to accept that it ...whatever it is (the problem, the circumstance, the mental rut, the negative thinking, the illness, the depression) is there in front of us.  We do need to accept it and experience it. 

Then we need to  pick our way through it.  Take one small action after another. May seem like it will take forever and it is as tedious and challenging as digging a tunnel with a spoon but we do need to take one small action at a time.

Each little effort we make to get through it is going to heal us in some way.  We are trying! We are moving forward.

We will get through whatever it is, as long as we do not allow ourselves to stay stuck.  That part is up to us!

All is well.

The Wall

Story time!!!

I have another analogy to describe how I and my loved ones who are presently suffering from mental ruts  may be experiencing (I mean...I really do not know what others are experiencing, do I? I should not even try to presume or assume.   I barely know what I am feeling lol but "I imagine" it is something like this.):

The Wall

Travelling to the Special Place

Once upon a time, a long time ago there lived this ordinary, easy to forget middle aged woman.  Now this woman  had been travelling for a very, very long time with her head down: plotting, planning, walking, working, fixing, and moving to get herself and her children somewhere special. She was not sure what that destination was  but...assumed it was a 'good' place, a safe place where there would be  no more need for struggle, worry, or pain. She was determined to take herself and her family there. 

When she started out, she was blessed  with a certain energy and focus.  She was able to pay attention to her goal.  She could easily swat away the interferences, and crawl over the bumps and find ways around the  pot holes. She  could easily ignore the blisters, the bruises, the aches  and the pains that her body endured as she travelled along this rather rough path.

Feeling strong and powerful, she did not mind carrying the heavy loads she carried...in the beginning. And it was a heavy load.  Even though  she was still clinging to her own past luggage that she was determined to bring with her, she carried much of her children's' loads as well. She believed it was her duty to make their loads lighter in this lifetime. So even as her children grew big and strong, she carried what she could for them, as she  huffed and puffed along the trail. In the beginning it was easy but eventually the load and the road got to her. She got tired.

Tired and Distracted

So much was going on around her as she marched along.  And feeling as tired as she was,  it was tempting to stop and give in to it. There was the musical melody of bird song in the canopy above her head that was like a lullaby to her tired mind.   There was the changing foliage and fauna that had the ability to mesmerize her and draw her in. There were mornings that erupted into golden displays of light and evenings that painted the world a magnificent red. There was also plenty of dark clouds,  cries for help, angry bursts of violence and travellers in need all around her. There was always something threatening to take her away from her goal or to slow her down.

Focus on the steps

She needed to keep going.  She needed to 'do' whatever she could to get her and her children to that special place.  By watching others up ahead, she learned that she  could close out all the unnecessary, the distracting things that slowed her down if she   kept her head down and focused on each foot and the step it was taking.   She  just kept moving forward, one step after the next.  A sweet, numbing momentum took over and she stepped and she stepped and she stepped. ...moving forward toward her goal. By focusing on each step all distractions disappeared...she did not see the beautiful sunsets, she did not see the changing foliage, she did not hear the bird song above her head and she did not hear or see the suffering that was taking place all around her.  All she could see was her foot leading her to the next step and the next moment. On and on the numbing momentum continued.

Not able to move

But...one day, out of nowhere, the momentum stopped.  She suddenly found she  could move forward any more.  She looked up to find  herself standing in front of this massive ice  wall (I am watching "Game of Thrones" now so I am picturing the ice wall lol).   She looked up, up and up and could not find the top of the wall.  She looked to the east and she could not find the end of the wall.  She looked to the west and she could not find the end to the wall. The wall seemed tall, wide  and thick...impenetrable. She could not go forward any more.

Resisting what is

She panicked.  She didn't know what to do. Her children, like her, were weakened by the journey and were failing around her.  They needed the hope her special destination would offer.  She needed to get to the other side.  She needed to continue moving forward.  So cursing and grunting she threw herself into the wall with all her might.  She punched at it, she clawed at it, she pushed, and struggled and did whatever she could to resist the  barrier the wall had placed between her and her goal.  But atlas it was no use...bloodied and bruised, exhausted from the struggle she  slid down the wall and crumpled to the ground.

Patiently Waiting

"Patience," she told her children.  "We just have to be patient and wait." So she stared up at the massive wall and waited. She waited for the wall to move.  She waited for the wall to fall down.  She waited for the wall to melt. She waited for a thousand others in their white coats or money lending suits to come with their pick axes to tear the wall down for her.  She waited and waited and waited and nothing happened.

Meanwhile, her children grew up around her at the base of that massive wall. Weakened from the journey and the waiting, they seemed to need her even more  to fulfill the promise of getting them to a better place.

Why?

With head heavy with shame for bringing her children to this place of going nowhere...the aging woman cried out to the universe, "Why are you doing this to me?"  To which the response was silence and then more silence.

The  woman cried out in despair and threw herself against the wall again. Tearing and punching, pushing and clawing she  cursed the people who put their axes down after one or two half assed picks because the wall was just too big, or because they couldn't see it or because they felt she  didn't deserve their help. She cursed the universe. She cursed the wall for being in her  life.  She  cursed it for showing up on her path, preventing her from getting where she wanted to go. 

She struggled against it one last time before falling in a heap of exhausted flesh to the ground beside the wall. Fighting the wall, she sadly realized,  would not help her or her children...it only weakened her more.

What was she to do with this wall?

Building a Comfort Zone through Denial

She decided to  close her eyes and pretend it wasn't there.  Turning her back on the wall, she told herself, she was exactly where she wanted to be, that there was nothing behind her.  She built  a comfortable  base camp at the bottom of this massive wall for her and her children. She settled into it, making sure there was no windows available to view the obstacle behind her.  She and her children  hid there for what seemed like  along, long time and she even began to enjoy the safety of it. 

She had built a cozy comfort zone for her and her children to live in. She told others as they passed by, "This is where we want to be.  It is all good."

Is this living?

When the children, who were also beginning to settle in to the limited space, asked, "Is this it mother?  Is this living?", She just smiled and nodded her head but the question ate away at her insides.  "Is this living?"

As she was pondering this question, one day,  a wise old woman approached the camp asking for a few moments of shelter and rest inside the younger woman's comfort zone. She was welcomed in and was made comfortable near a place close to the fire.

The Questioning

"Why are you here and not on the other side of the wall?" the old woman asked.  The middle aged woman was stunned by the question.  She had almost forgotten there was a wall behind her.

"We are where we want to be," she responded. "The children and I are safe here."

The old wise woman just shook her head and said, "What is safe when you are not living?  You need to get beyond the wall. Your children need to experience life outside your comfort zone."

The younger woman was becoming a little rattled by the older lady's probing. "It is not like I haven't tried!  See the bruises and blisters I still have.  No one is helping me! I am too tired to climb up over that wall and I see no end to get around .  How do you expect me to get beyond it?  You see how big it is!  It is impenetrable."

To which the old lady, with  a smile on her face and understanding compassion in her eyes replied, "Fighting against the wall is futile, exhausting and painful as you have experienced.  Waiting for someone or something to make it all go away is a waste of time. Denying its presence as a barrier in your life doesn't help you either.  The wall exists and it is up to you to get beyond it. "

"I know it exists", she admitted. "It is blocking my way and why would I exhaust myself any further to go nowhere?"

The Need to Go through the Wall

"Because you are getting too comfortable here when living is beyond the wall.  You do not need to climb over it.  You do not need to find a way around it.  You simply have to go through it."

"What?...How am I to get through that?" the younger woman asked,  pointing in the direction of the wall.

Accepting and Experiencing what is

The old woman stood up and held out her hand to the younger woman. The younger woman was escorted outside the camp to the wall she had been refusing to look at for too long. The old lady encouraged her to look up at it and to feel it, to taste it, to smell it, to hear it crackle beneath the ear.

"This is 'what is' ", the old lady instructed.  "There is no escaping what is."

The Tiny shovel

Then she handed her a small silver shovel the size of a spoon and she said 'Dig!'

"What?  You expect me to dig my way through this massive wall with a bloody spoon? I will be here forever."

To which the older woman responded, "Maybe.  Dig!"

"I will exhaust myself in the process."

"Maybe. Dig!"

"How tedious and slow this process will be."

"Maybe!  Dig!"

No luggage required


"Well I better get our luggage at least."

"No" the old lady put her hand up. "That stays here.  What you carry of your own past, and what you carry for others is just an unnecessary load that weighs you down and serves no purpose.  You will not need what is in those cases when you are on the other side, just as you do not need them now. "

Allowing Others to find their own way through

"And what about my children?  I have to dig a hole for all of us to get through."

"No!" The older lady said with a note of knowing authority in her voice, "They each have their own spoons and their own load to carry.  You just focus on  getting  yourself through.  You will meet them on the other side when you have made your way through.  Just dig, one spoonful of ice wall at a time.."

Transcending, Emerging  and Thriving

So the middle aged woman and her children each dug their own ways through the wall one spoonful at a time, finding a sweet and healing momentum in the shovelling...With each spoonful of ice the woman put behind her, as tiny as the pile of effort was, she felt more alive and more on purpose.

She and her children  dug and they dug and they dug until they finally found themselves on the other side of a wall that once seemed impenetrable , more whole, more strong and more wise than they ever were before. 

The special Place is within us all

The woman discovered, much to her surprise, that the special place she longed to take her children to did not exist in some unknown place beyond the wall.    It was in her all along.  The wall just helped her to realize that.

The End!

Mental Ruts

The rut of least resistance and least trouble is a mental rut already made. It requires troublesome work to undertake the alteration of old beliefs.
-John Dewey https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/rut

 I am on a bit of a personal mission, a mission many of you are probably on as well.  I am on a mission to get myself out of a rut I find myself in.  I have been writing about ruts, being stuck and getting beyond negative thinking for a reason.  I am writing about this because it is my experience right now. I feel stuck in a rut!

Stuck in the mud.

So what is a rut?  Well I use the analogy of being stuck in mud on your way somewhere.  You somehow veered off the easy driving highway on your way to your destination and onto some muddy back road.  There you  landed in a deep hole...rut....and your tires are stuck.  No matter how much you spin those darn tires you cannot seem to go forward.  Frustrating eh?  Depressing eh? 

You look about you and say, "What the front door?  Why does this always happen to me?"  After a bit of cursing, banging the steering wheel and kicking the vehicle (yourself)...you settle into the rut and stay where you are.  You decide to make the best of it.  Well at least it is comfortable, right?  Safe?  Whatever was up ahead will remain up ahead and not something you have to deal with, right?   Maybe being in such a rut is not such  a bad thing. If one is stuck they never have to deal with what is up ahead.

Someone comes along and says , "You are pretty stuck, do you need help?"

To which you answer, as you spin your tires for demonstration purposes, "There is nothing that can be done...see...I am stuck.  I have already tried spinning and spinning to get my tires out.  I will just have to wait until something miraculous happens with the mud...that it will disappear or something and the hole will fill in."

Insanity is doing the  same thing over and over again and expecting different results
-Albert Einstein

"Well I think if you do it differently...maybe try this or that...while I pull from here!" the stranger might suggest.

To which you will again respond, "Does it look that easy to you?  Do you not  see how deeply I am stuck...how big this hole is that is swallowing me up? I don't think anyone has ever been stuck as badly as I am!"

The determined stranger , if they don't walk away exasperated might respond, "Well...you are definitely stuck and it looks pretty bad but I think if we try we might just be able to get you out."

"Are you telling me that I got myself here and that I am not trying hard enough to get out of it.  Are you saying my being stuck is my fault???" you  might then answer.

Eventually the person wanting to help may walk away exasperated and you will remain stuck where you are...alone!

The Rut in real Life

Isn't this what happens when we get stuck, when we lose motivation to do or move forward?  Do we get lost in our negative thinking...seeing only the problem? Do we not see our circumstances as something beyond us...that we are victims to forces we have no control over?  That being stuck is not something we can easily get out of , if at all?  Do we not resist offers for help and suggestions to do differently because we feel  a certain familiarity and comfort where we are in our habitual thinking pattern? Do we push others away consciously or subconsciously?  Would part of us  rather just settle into the mental rut and make the best of it?  Is it possible we are getting something from being stuck?

Ruts can become Comfort Zones

 I am finding comfort here.  I am finding a sense of safety and security in an odd, unfulfilling way. Being a victim to life is a lot easier than being accountable and responsible.  If someone suggests that I might be responding to life circumstance in a depressed way , the claws come out and I hiss them away.  "I am not depressed", I will retort.  "Life is just hard, unfair.  People have made unfair decisions and judgments that left me here " I am simply making the best of it and finding a bit of comfort.

A ship in the harbor is safe but that is not what ships were built for.
-John A. Shedd

Hmmm!  I am just stuck.  I am feeling depressed and the only thing that will help me is if I admit that and am willing to move on!  The safety and familiarity this place offers me...is based on ego lies.  I may be  'comfortable' ...but I am a prisoner in my own mind because I choose to be. 

The only person who can set me free is me. It isn't going to be easy...I have spun quite a hole for myself ...but I can get out of this and be better for it! I just have to accept where I am, be willing to get past it and then I have to accept the help of all those kind others who have suggestions for me to do things differently...very differently than how I have been doing them.

I will write more on this later as it is really on my mind. :) .

Curiosity

The important thing is not to stop questioning.  Curiosity has its own reason for existing.
-Albert Einstein  https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/albert_Einstein

Am I mad for questioning so much?  Am I a sinner for questioning those religious explanations about Life that I was brought up and 'told' to believe? Am I crazy for stepping into the world of the 'unknown' when the world of 'known' offers a safe protection from all that may or may not be out there?

I used to think I knew so much.  I used to be satisfied and content to some degree with what I thought I knew.  I would sit at the dinner table of Life stuffed and pleased with myself  for eating so much. Now that I realize I really don't know anything...I am not so content.  I feel kind of sick on all I have eaten that does not make sense to me anymore.  It is a weird experience.  The more my body seems to limit me...the more my questioning mind takes over. 

But the truth is...I don't know...and I would like to know.  I am ready to put aside my pretentions and my false knowing for curiosity.  I want to know.  Hmmm!

What is Life all about anyway?  Who are we...really... and why are we here?  Where and what is here? Are we just streams of consciousness being manifested into physical form?  What is physical form/matter? What is consciousness? What is real?

Science offers some pointers.  Physics offer some pointers. Philosophy offers some pointers.  Theology offers some pointers.  Psychology offers some pointers. Metaphysics offers some pointers. Not one of these fields of thought, by themselves, however offers all the answers.  They just point in the direction of where the answer might be.

The answer will not come in an 'intellectual insight'.  It will not be something, if it comes, that I can jot down on a piece of paper to explain to someone else. It will only be experienced...and I really don't even know what that means. lol

I can gain some understanding of the pointers and I can learn and teach them but that in itself is so limited.   The answers are beyond words, intellectual understanding...us.

Hmmm!  Somehow I know that.

The human mind, no matter how highly trained, cannot grasp the universe. We are in the position of little children entering a huge library, whose walls are covered to the ceiling in books of many different languages.  The child knows that someone must have written those books.  It does not know who or how.  It doesn't understand the languages in which they are written. The child notes a definite plan in the arrangement of the books, a mysterious order, which it does not understand but only dimly suspects. That it seems to me is the attitude of the human mind, even the greatest and most cultured, toward God.  We see a universe marvellously arranged, obeying certain laws, but we understand the laws only dimly. Our limited minds can not grasp the mysterious force that sways the  constellations.
- Einstein
https://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/62g1qm/til_albert_einstein_believed_in_spinozas_god_who/

Despite my confusion in my very limited mind, all is well in my world.

Our limited minds cannot grasp the mysterious force that sways the constellations.
-Albert Einstein

Changing all thoughts that hurt

Loss is not loss when properly perceived.  Pain is impossible.  There is no grief with any cause at all. And suffering of any kind is nothing but a dream. This is the truth, at first to be but said and then repeated many times; and next to be accepted as but partly true, with many reservations. Then to be considered seriously more and more, and finally accepted as the truth.
ACIM-W-284:1:1-6

I'm back. 

Truth is I never left you...all through my wild days, my mad existence...I kept my love for you don't keep your distance...lol...do you know what that is from?  

Okay I am back...not like a normal focused human being who understands what she is writing or why...like I had hoped to return to you. I am  still as confused and 'all over the place' as I was before I left. I am just a little bit more accepting of it, I guess.  :)

Truth is...the week away did not answer any questions for me. I am still not sure why I come here but I find joy, purpose and passion for whatever reason and that is enough. 

I also find escape from my stressors out there.  When I use the word 'escape' I do so with reverence as in 'finding freedom'.  I find a way through the muck and mire of day to day existence in the physical world of limitation, scarcity and 'dukkha' to a peace that exists in the inner world. I don't have to spin my tires here no matter how stuck I may feel out there.  Everything just makes sense. That has to be a good thing, doesn't it?  And if I am not spinning my tires maybe others can stop spinning theirs. Wouldn't that be the next course of action then...to share what I am learning so others can find a certain peace as well?

So here I am.

I can elect to change all thoughts that hurt.

What I am learning is that I can change the way I think.  If I change the way I think and perceive the world, I change the way I live.  I am not saying I have mastered the lessons yet...I am just stepping beyond my reservations into serious consideration.  I cannot  apply them with 100% efficacy out there...but I am learning and I am gaining a little bit of mastery in practice  bit by bit. That has to account for something, doesn't it?

I listen to the wisdom that comes my way.  I do my best to interpret and make sense of it (what you get here) and then I practice it.

We can choose to change all thoughts that hurt.

I came across this video yesterday from my mentor (though he will never know he is my mentor lol), Eckhart Tolle, on getting beyond negative thinking. This is not the first time I spoke of this.  I believe I have a video on negative thinking somewhere on this blog.  But to believe it, sometimes we need to hear it from an expert.  I am, after all, no expert ...just a student of Life, like many of you are.

Tolle, in this video, explains how we get sucked into negative thinking...the muck and mire of our life situations which exists only in our minds. Negative thinking is an addiction.  Something in us does not want to let it go.  We get something from it.  We cling to the thought pattern at certain times in our lives because it serves a purpose.  We want to spin our tires in it.  We want to get stuck in it.  We resist letting it go because ego loves it.  Ego wants us in that mud.  The emotions brought about by negative thinking  like anger, for example, inflate the ego and give identity to it.  

Not on a conscious level, of course, but on some level....we can become " a grievance looking for a cause."  

Tolle offers us steps to follow to help us get out of the negative thinking ruts we may find ourselves in.

 Steps

1.       Be aware.  We need to find that small stream of awareness that allows us to see self while we are in the stream of negative thinking.  We must recognize that  a part of us  “likes it” and does not want to let it go.

2.       Notice part of you that likes the negative thinking and is identified with it and is getting something from it as your ego

3.       See how mind activity of this nature is absolutely futile and serves no purpose.  Ask “Does this thinking pattern change anything in my life for the better or does it  just continue to drag me down and keep me in this hole?”   “Do I have a conditioned belief that I learned that expression of unhappiness will bring reward of some kind…that things will change to my favor if I express unhappiness to self and others?"

4.      Question the truth of those old beliefs and thinking patterns. Need to see how unhappy thoughts actually make life worse and harder, not better.

5.       Question what life would be like without unhappy and negative thought?  “Could I actually feel peaceful presence without this type of thinking?”

6.       Choice comes in…choose to put down  the pattern of negative thinking. 

 

7. If you decide to seek peaceful presence be patient…negative thinking doesn’t go away that quickly.  It has taken years to develop its power and strength and it will take time to let go of it.

8.       Don’t fight negative thinking…don’t resist the thoughts as they  come…just be aware of them. Likely they will come back…it is a familiar pattern that was developed over a life time…just go back to being aware of the futility

9.      Continue to honor and appreciate moments of awareness. When you see what you are doing, you are the awareness…you have separated from the negative thinking.  When you don’t see it…you are the negative thinking, the depression, the anger.  You have identified with it.  Awareness detaches the reality of who you are from that false identity with ego's thinking pattern.

10.  Have faith.  Freedom from negative thinking will come eventually.

 

It is good to be back. All is well in my world.

 

References:

ACIM-W-284

Tolle Video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j91ST2gtR44

Rethinking My Purpose Here

Still pondering over whether or not I should take a break from this and rethink my purpose here.  In the mean time,  I came across these words this morning that have settled in my core when it comes to the healing and finding purpose that I have been writing about lately. 

For Your Voice will tell me what to do and where to go; to whom to speak and what to say to him, what thoughts to think, what words to give the world. ACIM-W-275:2:3

I Don't Know What to 'Do'

I don't know why I am here. 

And I don't know what to do 'out there' ( by that I mean this messy world around me :)) I don't know how to fix the things that are broken (if they are broken).  I do not know where to begin to put things back into order if this is indeed chaos.  I don't know what I am supposed to do, to say, or to give to my children, my loved ones, a reader, the world  or this tiny little pile of flesh and bones I over identify with.  (Some may argue about the 'tiny' descriptor I am using lol).  In fact...I don't know anything any more, if I ever did!

That's a strange sensation...to realize one doesn't know  anything but at the same time it is quite freeing.  Needing to know what to do, where to go, what to say and to whom, what to think...are all about me and this isn't about 'me'.  Is it?  This idea of 'me' besides being so darned exhausting, just gets in the  way    of me doing what I am here to do.  (And I don't know what that is)

 Gut -Thing                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               lol)

I come here to the page because I hear that Voice to some degree.  I am definitely not saying I am having a divine calling, that I am channelling or having auditory hallucinations...I am just saying I feel a gentle call for 'inspired action' that brings me here....a gut thing.   I do not understand it.

The Ease of Here

Maybe my writing here  is just some form of addiction, some numbing activity that keeps me away from dealing with the life events going on around me.  Maybe it is an excuse, a form of rationalization so I can feel like I am doing and accomplishing "something' when I feel 'useless' and unproductive out there. There is a certain ease, a certain flow...a certain order to Life  that transpires so effortlessly while I am here.  It is so much easier being here than it is out there.

Not What 'me' Wants

It is not what my little 'me' wants though....far from it.  This idea I have of myself does want to write and play with words but it  wants to write 'normal' stuff...fiction and psychology books based on science and years of other-expressed philosophy. It wants to teach but in the classroom like most 'normal' people.  (Man...I miss my Anatomy classes).  It also wants recognition and praise for what I do...money lol... which would require more readership. This little 'me', this ego, this idea I have of myself...doesn't want me stepping out in to the unknown like this, risking social rejection and failure by writing about such a delicate and controversial thing that I absolutely  have no expertise in, no mastery of.    

Besides the kind comments from a reader or two I have no idea how it is being received by the world or if it is even being received.  I imagine there is a lot of , "Who the %^&* does she think she is writing about this stuff. Is she odd or what?"  To which I would have to honestly answer, "I don't know who I am and yes I am definitely odd because I can't seem to  help doing what I am doing."    It really is beyond me.

Sigh!   The biggest concern of mine lately is what type of example am I setting for my children when they see me here.  Do they see someone who is passionately driven by a creative force and will they be inspired to listen to their own inner callings despite what society deems as appropriate?  Or will they see a lazy, unproductive someone running away from the world, from doing, from Life and learn to do the same?

I don't know!  I don't know anything! Yet here I am.

I need to meditate on this and pray on this and then we will see what the future holds for me and this blog. Chances are I will be back. I have been here before, haven't I?  Many times, I have asked the same questions, taken a break and have come back.  Something keeps pulling me back in again and again...Something much bigger than 'me'.

All is well!                                                                                                                                             

Still pondering Rumi's words of wisdom

The only advantage of not being too good  a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are.
-Eleanor Roosevelt https://www.brainyquote.com/topics/guests

Eleanor and I would have been really tight if we got to know each other, I think.  :)

Am I one of those uninvited Guests?

 I might step away from this for a while.  It is pure compulsion that brings me here and I cannot explain why or what I am supposed to accomplish by being here...I really do not know.  All I know is that it is the one thing I can do, I want to do, that I am committed to doing. At the same time, it doesn't make a lick of sense to what is left to my rational mind.  Do I need time to ponder my purpose here?

Why am I writing in a blog about waking up when I can barely get out of bed some mornings? There is little readership besides a few devoted souls whom I appreciate immensely but how do I know what I am bringing when I step over the  threshold of their guest houses?  I may be showing up as an undesirable guest in someone else's life, just as these spammer sites are showing up in mine.  Who knows?

Is this good for me?

While I spend the hour or a bit here each day, things are piling up all around me . Despite my love of Being I know things need to be done. I am not 'doing' enough.  I do not even know what to do.  I haven't the mental and physical energy to resist entropy :).  I do not have the desire or motivation to put things in order...by that I mean my life, my house, my family.  And man am I hiding out! I seem to be ducking from anything that requires energy. This blog does not seem to require energy of me.  Isn't that strange? The rest of my life does!

Welcoming it All in!

 To be fair to myself, I am allowing everything Life offers me  in...even the dark thoughts, the shame and the malice for all kinds of positive Self developing reasons but mostly because holding the door closed is too darn tiring. :)

But I am certainly not a gracious host like Rumi suggests we should be. I am not enjoying the company. 

And I get pi$%ed  off from time to time. Some of those little jerks,  the ones that  come in groups (sorrows) seem to be  sweeping everything away from my house, my life, leaving it empty and bare in so many places.  You  think I would appreciate  someone cleaning up around here because I certainly am not. Besides we need more than a little de-cluttering in this place  and the furniture...man...really though...they can have all those fur collectors. I would rather sit on the floor. :)

Still...I cannot seem to appreciate this little gang of hyperactive party thieves simply  because I 'can't control them'. I want control, peace and quiet ...they don't bring that. They(life circumstances) bring unpredictability, chaos and then a sense of emptiness I am not yet used to, when they leave with all my belongings on their backs. So I do not honor them enough for their 'clearing' potential. 

Not an entertaining Host!

As far as being an  entertaining host...  I am not.  I am the kind of person who says in not so many words when I open the door..."Come in, make yourself at home but don't expect me to go over and beyond for ya!  I am not going to stand on my head and spit out nickels for ya.  As soon as you walk through that door, you are treated like family not royalty, k?"  I never liked small talk or gossip nor do I appreciate the energy it requires to put on masks or be anything but what I am.

So when Life shows up in the many ways she does (each moment), I do not go out of my way to entertain her. If she is nasty and hard to handle ...well I want nothing to do with her lol.  I tend to walk with my extra depressing and mean  guests as they go on and on,  towards  the back door  in hope they will take the hint and  leave through there.

Laughter

I do love to laugh though.  I am not laughing enough these days. Oh man...I miss laughing.  I had one little bout a week ago over an email I wrote.  I was describing my life to a couple of others and seeing the absurdity of it struck me so funny...and I laughed. I laughed and laughed until the tears came out and my belly hurt.  D. and the kids thought I finally went over the cliff I was wobbling on ...they couldn't understand why I found it funny.  I was reminded of how wonderful it feels to laugh and to make others laugh.  Man...I miss laughing!

Now I will accept all the unexpected and undesirable guests if I have to but what I would really like is for some experiences to come to my 'guest house' carrying bundles of hope, sunshine and joy...to just fill up every corner of this place with it. That would be so great.

I know that these desirable guests will not be able to stay here for ever though, that they too will just be temporary visitors passing through, but  if they could...just  for a bit... bring a little of that good stuff in, in  such an obvious way that I can't help but to laugh... I would really be grateful then.

Rumi's Point

Ahhh!  But that's not the point of Rumi's teaching is it?

I need to also be grateful for those guests who come into my house carrying their garbage and their baggage, who are unpleasant  and who get my attention with their misbehaviour.

Those guests that bring darkness are just as valuable as those that bring light.  Those that bring tears are just as valuable as those that bring laughter. Those that take away are just as valuable as those that give. (That's a good thing then because they seem to be arriving in flocks lately).

Each  so called "Guest" is sent by Something Greater- a guide from beyond.  Each comes with a purpose to teach and enrich my Life with the magical experience of being human....even if I cannot see or understand what that purpose is.

Who am I to judge them, to deny them or  to discriminate against any newcomer? They are, after all,  all guests in my house. I pray that I will learn to welcome them all in with laughter.

All is well in my world!

The Guest House (translated by Coleman Barks: (http://www.scottishpoetrylibrary.org.uk/poetry/poems/guest-house)

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness, 
some momentary awareness comes 
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Jalaluddin Rumi

Meet them at the Door Laughing

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
 and invite them in.
From Rumi's, The Guest House


How many of us, I wonder,  can meet these things at the door laughing? Most of us do whatever we can to pretend we are not home when these types of visitors knock on our 'Guest House' doors,  don't we?

"Sh@#!!!"  we might say, as we, with the reflexes of a NHL goalie,  duck below the window frame and turn the light switch off with whatever object we are holding in our hands.  Crawling on hands and knees we are going to try to get as far away from the undesirable, unexpected ( and sometimes expected) company, are we not?

Many of us do not  see our human lives  as"Guest" houses, anyway.  We hide, instead,  in  private houses with "Beware of Dog!" and "Keep off the Grass!" signs where 'Welcome' and 'Come in! We are Open' signs should be.  We have bolts and locks and double alarms for protection. And many of us do not open our homes to the friendly visitors, let alone malicious ones.

Dark thoughts, shame and malice are among the many  life events  we do not want in our private mental  spaces.  So we shut them out with repression and suppression; we turn our backs on them with denial.  We pretend we are not home by numbing out on senseless activity or substances.

And if after all this... these 'guests' continue to push their way in we, with tongue protruding, push with all our might against the opening door.  We resist!  We do not care how many toes we break in the process or how much peace and effort we must expend.  The message is "Keep Out of my house!"

 

At what cost?  Does this bring us the protection we long for?  Does it keep our mind's safe and calm? Our lives peaceful and serene? No!

There is no running or hiding away from life's contrast.  These visitors were sent to us for a reason.  They are on a mission and they will get in, one way or another.  If we fail to accept them, they can become intruders pretty fast.

When you are sleeping at night, exhausted from the battle of defending and resisting...they will break in and out of vengeance wreck your home.  They will hide in closets and dark corners and attack you when you are not looking.  They will pop out when you least expect it!

Resisting them only makes them more persistent. Resistance makes them enemies and violent intruders when all they really want to be are guests!

It is not they that destroys your peace, wrecks your home and leaves your life in a mess.  It is your resistance to them, that does that.  They have to come in one way or the other and they will.  It is up to you to choose whether they will be guests or intruders in your mind.

The next time they come to your door/your Life...try not to resist. See them as the guests they are...welcome them in with a laughing attitude.  Know that as long as they are guests they can not harm you.  They will come in, stay a bit, do whatever they do but like all 'guests' they will eventually leave.  See no harm in them and they will bring no harm. 

Learn to laugh at their arrival and their silly antics knowing that there is no reason to fear. You are after all a 'guest house' meant to be  welcome and open to all kinds of experiences.  Enjoy all guests without resistance and just see how much easier Life will seem!

(This is clip art I am not sure how to cite it)

 

 

Today belongs to love.  Let me not fear.

ACIM-w-274

 

All is well in my world!

References:
http://www.scottishpoetrylibrary.org.uk/poetry/poems/guest-house